In Chains or Simply Losing It?

Do you ever feel like there are two of you? Like one of them is actually going through the motions of life, walking, breathing, eating, speaking, while the other one is trapped somehow? I kind of remember being like this when I was numb, but then it was much more obvious and I was in control of both "me's" (for lack of anything better to call it). However, now, it feels like the 2nd "me" is trapped, like there is some sort of barrier from letting her out, it's almost as if it's my soul & it's in chains. I'm not even sure if this makes sense, but I just fully realized it tonight. I was walking to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take my contacts out before bed and I was fully aware that I was having a conversation with my sister while totally thinking of something totally unrelated, and I was able to do both fully without one interrupting the other. Then, as I was brushing my teeth, I realized that I wasn't really feeling the toothbrush in my mouth, nor was I really controlling my arm doing the movements. It was incredibly freaky and even as I sit here and type, I can feel the difference between the two. If anyone else understands this or has had it happen, I would really appreciate feedback on this because I've never experienced this before and it's really weird. It's almost as if I'm watching myself live life, but from the inside I guess? It's all just so weird. =/

an old poem that i like a lot & just found

I simply wish that

you and I,

would get along, a sweet lullaby,

something soft and something sweet

something quiet, discreet.

I simply wish that

you and I,

could coexist in harmony.

But wishes never surface and

love is never real,

What is real? Life is real,

death is real, pain is surely real...

But who can say how it shall end?

It must be either enemy to enemy or

friend to friend.

For,

As complicated as it seems, it's possible

for you to like me too...although the barriers

exist create a doubt, a pain, something too...

cold.

never forget. always regret.

"never forget. always regret."
9/26/09

she's crying out, she feels so alone
wouldn't life be easier, living on her own?
everyday gets harder. surviving's the game.
ever since you left her, nothing is the same.

her thoughts are of what was
her dreams awake her with tears
though you almost died
she's unable to voice her fears

she has regrets, but she'll never tell
blame is heavy on her heart, she feels at fault
she knew you were anorexic, she knew it well
unable to speak to you, tears fell while she knelt

the pain inside finds its way out
she's stopped eating, her arms aren't whole
if you die, that will shred her heart.
if you die, suicide is her goal

this is the darkest poem i have ever written.

when i'm gone

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn/ Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice/ Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling/ And I didn't feel a thing,/ So baby don't feel no pain/ Just smile back.
-eminem-

i love this song chorus. a lot.

are dreams only that? dreams?

so i have dreams in my mind and in my heart. and lately i can't help but wonder if they'll only ever be dreams. for instance, my #1 dream would be to be a photographer and have that job for the rest of my life. my #2 dream is to go to LLSOW and follow God where He leads me. what does this all have to do with anything you ask?

in order to do both of these things, i need a job to fund them, money basically. you can't buy a good camera without money and you can't go to a school without paying either.

now, i know God will provide, but i also have the usual doubts. mostly i think they're doubts within, me doubting myself. like, the reason i can't get a job is because i'm not smart enough, good enough, etc, etc. i've been looking for one for over a year & yes i refused to apply in the dells this summer but i didn't feel like it was RIGHT...and it bugs me now because i doubt myself like, maybe i didn't hear God say that, maybe it was just me thinking that you know? so doubts. yay. ((not)).

i don't really have a ton to post about tonight because that's really it, are my dreams only meant to be dreams? or will they become a reality? sometimes it's hard to believe.

is it okay to be sad about your life?

i've been thinking about this tonight: is it okay to be sad about my life? i mean, honestly, i only have a few friends in this area, all of whom have commitments that are much more important than i am, and that's okay you know? but i've been thinking. and listening to the Skillet song "would it matter". the lyrics feel like my daily struggle. would it matter if i was here? would it matter if i tried to help someone? i try to be bright and happy for people, to show them that love and goodness are, to give them hope, a reason to live. and then i have nights like tonight where i just want to hug myself and cry and cry and cry. i don't even know why i want to cry. i'm just sad and it hurts so deeply inside. i don't know what to do with it. crying seems like the only thing i CAN do.

for anyone who reads this regularly, this is not the normal me. this is me in a depressed state of mind. please do not judge me on this post. thank you.

i will not look away this time.

She’s everything to everyone
Wish I could have seen it come down
But I heard incorrectly

It seems everything she knows is now
Five minutes ‘till closing
that’s not a lot of time when you’re nervous

And they say, daughter look away, don’t be afraid
When you want to turn back a million times
And it might get colder, but wait ‘till it’s over
Darlin’, you’ll find your way

But she said...

I, will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
And all this pain I’ve held inside
So I can find my way home again
I will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
Don’t want to be perfect, just alright...

He’s on his way to nowhere
‘Cause he heard it was safe there
And safe is something valuable here
He’s spent half his life searching
And the other half working
Hard to find out if Jesus is real

And they said, son look away, don’t be afraid
When you want to turn back a million times
And it might get colder, but wait ‘till it’s over
Son, you will find your way

I, will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
And all this pain I’ve held inside
So I can find my way home again
I will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
Don’t want to be perfect, just alright...

But he said...

Every time, every line,
Every time you wanna say goodbye, sing..

Every time, every line,
Every time you wanna say goodbye, sing..

I, will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
And all this pain I’ve held inside
So I can find my way home again
I will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
Don’t want to be perfect, just alright...

She’s everything to everyone
Wish I could have seen it come down
But I heard incorrectly

It seems everything she knows is now
Five minutes ‘till closing
that’s not a lot of time when you’re nervous

-"look away" by thousand foot krutch

This song has been in my mind all day. I feel regrets for many things in my life, and lately, when my mind reverts to thinking, all I can ponder is what would happen if Katie didn't make it. What if one day I wake up and she is gone? Someone told me "Well hasn't she already been "gone"? " And I responded with "Not in my heart" I don't know how to let go, especially now when any day could be her last. I mean, I guess all of us face that, but not like this, not with being sick, not with a heart problem. I feel like it's partially my fault. She wasn't eating for so long...or eating not enough...and she got so tiny...and I saw it, I could have stopped it, I could have said something to someone with more power than me. Maybe I could have prevented this. I don't want to blame myself, but I still feel responsible. She was my best friend for over 10 years. How do I let go? How do I say goodbye??

Skillet: Awake and Alive Tour!!!!!!

EVERYONE SHOULD GO!!!!!!!!!

SUPPORT THE BAND!!

don't want to be perfect, just alright

tonight. i found out. my ex-best friend had to have surgery. she got a pacemaker put in. and is still not doing good. my mom told me. out of nowhere she dropped that bomb. now i can't control my emotions. i want to hug her and tell her it will be okay. but i can't. i can't and it's killing me.


"i will not look away this time, take all these cuts and make them shine, don't want to be perfect just alright."

An Unusual Kind of Blog.

So...for my blog it's usually me having something to say or something to explain, or a piece of writing that i want to share. I don't think many people read my blog, but I believe at least one person does? I don't know, but this is what i call an SOS blog. It's basically me asking all of my Christian friends to pray for me with a decision i am in the process of making.

it started pretty much last year i guess i'd have to say. i was going to a school where i didn't feel like i was doing any good and after several incidents, it was like God was screaming at me to try and get my attention: STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING! my car broke down, i lost friends and i ultimately failed a class due to circumstances out of my control. failing that class really knocked me down, me, perfectionist me, and i just needed to know what was going on what i should do, WHAT SHOULD I DO??! i could retake the class but teaching would most likely be out of my life, an F on a transcript is practically a death sentence for so many things.

at the time, i was doing things for ME and living life for ME. i wasn't really going to church, my excuse was that it was my only time to get the sleep i was missing during the week. towards the end of the year, i could barely concentrate in class and felt like i was missing out on life. i kept asking myself, "why am i here again? why am i putting myself through this??" i was getting frustrated with everything and not sleeping well and not eating hardly at all.

then this last summer, i went and visited my older bro & his fam for about 2 weeks and then came home and pretty much left again for lifest in oshkosh. if you never read my blog about lifest or you don't know what it is, Lifest is a Christian music festival. its a week long occasion and you camp out and go to concerts and fellowship with people. well, this summer, i didn't know it but i really REALLY needed to go. at the time, i only wanted to go because i really wanted to see Skillet, which is my all time favorite band EVER :) and plus i got cheap tix from a friend, only $60 for the entire festival and that was awesome and when i look back now, it was a God thing. my original intentions were to only go the one day...but God had other ideas ;) for the full account, read my Lifest blog which is a ways back, but its got all details.

basically, at Lifest God started to change me radically. i finally gave Him some things that i was holding onto and refusing to forgive myself for, things He had long since forgiven ME for...but i couldn't forgive myself. once i let them go...it was like i opened my heart back up to Him. i was opening up for friendship relationships and people's words of wisdom and such that i hadn't let in my life for so long. towards the end of Lifest, i asked God specifically for a revelation, during the Third Day concert to be precise, and...did He ever give it to me. He told me to NOT go back to the school i attended the year prior and to not go to school at all. my initial reaction was "WHAT?! MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL ME!" but then i settled down and was reading some stuff in my Bible and felt a lot better about it. how appropriate that the day's devotional was on complete trust in God...so i decided to Let Go and Let God. (a phrase i had seen on a shirt that day that seemed utterly appropriate). so i've been trusting and believing, and not really knowing much of anything except the one thing i really felt God press on me then was to get involved in the worship team at my church again...i played flute a few years ago but i've never done anything else really and i let myself just leave the team and i didn't look back. however, i've felt more and more powerfully that i should learn the bass guitar. it really hit me that maybe thats what God wanted me to do the night Cara pretty much told me to go to LLSOW and play bass cuz Kal was apparently looking for bass players. at the time i laughed and said "yeah right i'm not good enough to play bass" but now with what i am feeling and the way God is moving, i am completely reconsidering my original ideas.

anyway, to cut to the chase, i came back from Lifest and talked to the associate pastor at my church, Ben, someone i'm pretty close with, i consider him a great role model & mentor pretty much and i talked to him openly about what happened at Lifest and about the worship team thing (he leads our worship teams at church) and he told me he wasn't surprised that God wanted me in music. he knows music is one of my biggest passions and the fact that he wasn't surprised made me wonder if i wasn't seeing myself very clearly anymore, if i had really let my view of the world and life cloud who i am. (which is for another blog ha!) anywho, Ben mentioned to me that if God was pressing worship and music on my heart, that there were plenty of things in life that involved that path in life, music festivals etc etc. which really got me thinking that maybe, (probably!) i was pursuing the wrong thing in life, maybe teaching wasn't what i was meant to do, maybe there was something bigger planned for me.

basically for the next couple of months, i drifted through life going to church and doing things here or there like babysitting & hanging out with friends. i started getting a friend to come to church and God was everywhere. I began talking frequently, VERY late night chats with an amazing person who likes those Sooners for some reason ;-) [[haha love you missy!]] and i don't know how she feels about the friendship we have but i myself feel like God put us as friends for a reason, we've talked about so many things that we both care about and believe, and of course with the occasional girly stuff thrown in [[GUYS! *facepalm* haha]] but really, she has become such a great friend to me i'll prolly cry when i get to hug her for the first time :) she's been a light to me and such an awesome friend. well anyway back on topic, the things this friend was telling me and saying, even things i don't think she realized, were all pointing to this it seemed. and when she told me she was going to LLSOW, i was excited for her and my exact thoughts were "too bad that's not for me! i would probably love it" and so we talked about it and how nervous she was but how excited too and we talked about how i had no idea what God was up to or wanted from me, but she encouraged me so SO much to stay strong and trust Him completely that she didn't know for a long time what God wanted from her either...so i listened and decided to just trust. sounds easy and simple and well, it IS simple, but it's not easy, especially for me. but i pushed that aside and just trusted.

not too long after, i had a conversation with another person who has meant a lot to me this last year, i'll call her H so her name's not out there LOL, anyway, i explained to her how i just wished i knew what God wanted and she told me we were kind of in a similar point in our lives and we didn't talk in an actual conversation again too soon after that, but on twitter i said something and she replied to me with "yay :) you need some refreshing in your life. go run after jesus." and the last part of it REALLY resounded within me: "go run after jesus" and well...after maybe 2 days, i REALLY just...KNEW that's what i had to do. and i wanted to. badly. i wanted to chase after God more than i wanted anything else. the next day, i went to the church library and i checked out about 15 books. one at least i know is a gold mine that i was unaware existed in our church library... "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer....i literally flipped out when i found it. to me, this book has been an insane life changer already and i haven't even finished it yet. i've been seeking God and praying more and last sunday in church...it was unreal for me, like nothing i've ever experienced within the walls of my church building. i am incredibly happy about it. recently, i wrote a blog about that, about how God is changing me and making me someone new. i'm so happy...like...all the time. i don't have those dark thoughts really anymore...and i'm falling in love with jesus. He saved me and i don't know why i never felt this way before, loving Him so much...but all of that is not the focus of this blog.

after a million words, the purpose of this blog is this: to ask for prayer.
all of the above and God's prompting has led me to believe He wants me to go to LLSOW, Living Light School of Worship. http://www.schoolofworship.us/

i have not told a lot of people about this yet, because i am still praying and unsure, i don't take decisions like this lightly but i know God has something major planned, i can feel it. i KNOW it. someone asked me that tonight, how you can KNOW something God is telling you...the answer i think is that we can never be 100% sure, but that is the faith part, that is when we push our fears aside and believe God, trusting Him to take care of us. so really, please, if you read this, be praying for me and this decision... it's hard for me and right now i do not have the money for it, nor do i currently play the bass lol, but i believe God can do anything. Anything.


side note for 2 peoples:

1. my duck friend-- if you read this, thank you for how awesome you have been to me, you've helped me remember what it's like to have girlfriends. ♥ i CANNOT wait to come visit you.
2. my twinner-- blogging at the same exact time??? i love it =) and you. thanks for being a faithful blog reader, it means the world to me. ♥

Know the Things that God Speaks are True

Ages ago, I found a photo somewhere, I don't even know where, but I had saved it to my flashdrive and just found it again yesterday. What it says struck me then, and it still strikes me when I read it now. One of those times was just the other day. I was kind of feeling a little glum and not sure why so I'm like, "Okay Heidi told me to run after Jesus, so I'm going to do that. I know He is here because He said He will always be here. Just because I do not see Him or feel Him does not mean He isn't here." This thought occured to me several days ago, last week sometime, and then I found the photo & it really hit me that I wasn't truly believing all the things God said as true. For example, I have always listened to & believed the lies about the way I look. When God said I was beautiful, I didn't believe Him. Anyway, the exact wording of this photo really really convicted me & hit me hard. I couldn't NOT blog about it. The exact wording is as follows:

"the promises of God are true.
the things He speaks are true.
if i don't see them
if they don't seem to be coming to pass
He is testing my faith
KNOW the things God speaks
are
true."

Because of this, I've been re-examining myself and my heart and the things I believe and live. I went to the library at my church, which is quite extensive for donations only, hundreds of books easily, and I checked out about 20 books. Ones to help me grow, ones to confirm my faith, ones to give me knowledge.

I'm ready for God.
The season of darkness is over.
The season of light is beginning.

I am ready.

left alone with only reflections of the memory, to face the ugly girl that's smothering me

tonight i got some of my closest friends together at an Isaiah 42:10 concert. jen & abbie know each other but they'd never met liz yet, and tonight she came too & i was so excited to hang out with them all at an Isaiah concert with some of my other really good friends. i thought i looked okay and i had on my new jeans & was feeling great, it was going to be a great night.


...and then an accident with a soda bottle and now i have a huge chunk of my front tooth missing. i look hideous, feel hideous and couldn't stay for the night. not only that but i didn't get to hang out with my friends. i couldn't laugh or smile or even talk really, i didn't want people to stare and laugh at me... so i went home.

abbie didn't mean to do it at all, she just tossed the bottle at me, i mean that could happen to anyone. when she felt bad it made ME feel bad but there was no way i could fix it =( i hate people being upset & down & sad and so i always try to make them smile & laugh and be happier but i had no way to fix this and that made me feel awful...it was my fault she felt bad & i just felt bad that i ruined everyone's night and then i pretty much left liz there with everyone she hardly knows which made me feel like a jerk, but she seemed ok with it & her & jen seemed to get alone okay when they stopped at my house to drop my wallet off later so i don't even know, maybe they'll be like other friends i've introduced who then become great friends & forget about me. *sigh* oh well. it's been one of those FML nights.

i feel so ugly and stupid and like such a freaking burden to everyone right now.
on days like this i hear that nagging voice in the back of my head that says if i would have just finished things a year ago, i wouldn't have to worry about this right now. that same voice was telling me that this was God telling me i wasn't meant to be beautiful. what does it matter really? guys don't like me nor do they care if i exist *shrug* i just took a handful of tylenol & naproxen so my mouth will quit hurting & my sleeping pill so hopefully i'll get to sleep soon. goodnight world.


tonight, "sorrow" by flyleaf is my song

The Proof is in the Pudding...er...song?

So, literally less than 5 minutes ago I'm looking at some stuff online that's making me feel less than myself, you know, trashy media. The stuff that makes us women feel like ugly, fat, worthless pieces of dirt. And I'm thinking, "Why can't I be beautiful like that?" "Why can't I be skinny and tall and why do I have to have such short legs" and blah blah blah blah. And I have Pandora on right? What song comes on? "After the World" by Disciple which is a love song from God to His children. If I wasn't so out of life right now from taking those pain meds, I'd probably have a break down cuz it was just one of those moments. Instead I'm blogging it out & thinking maybe I'll come back some day and read this and remember what I was doing, trashing and beating myself down & then God tried to remind me of His love & I just blew Him off. I know I shouldn't do it but then why do I? Why do I constantly feel worthless & like I deserve my pain & sorrows? Why do I burden myself with things that I should let God have? Does everyone else struggle with this like I do or is it easier for you to let God be who He is? I hate the rebellious spirit in me but anymore I don't know how to tame it & control it & sometimes I wish I could just be like the Skillet song "Locked in a Cage" because if it was like that, if I could just be locked in a cage for God, then I couldn't do these things ya know? Okay I'm done rambling now I really need to get to bed. Peace everyone. Listen to Pandora. It really rocks!!