explosion.

"all i want is You and all i need is found only in Your heart"

this little catchy worship hook has been sung fairly often lately in the prayer room.
(ihop.org) and it's been stuck in my head.

it's forcing me to focus on what i ought to be focusing on.

it's so hard for me.

i want to be out there.

DOING.

making a difference.

i honestly feel so useless.
it probably wouldn't be so bad except i think i have cabin fever

in the way that i want to get out of town, do something adventurous.

truthfully, it's been since November and my life needs more excitement.

i keep longing for and wishing for a way out of the drab of normal living.

i've never liked routine. waking up, going to work, doing chores, church on sunday,

homegroup on wednesday..like... it just doesn't ever feel good to me. i'm not content

with the same thing for weeks on end. i CRAVE unpredictability and change and more.

i've been wrestling with the question lately of "what if God means for my life to be

simple like this?" and the only answer i've come up with is one of not understanding.

why would i be longing for something else then?

i swear. i need something unpredictable to blow me away. preferably soon.

barely getting by.

since no one even reads this blog anymore i've basically chosen to continue using it for more personal thoughts. everyone thinks i'm so great and good on the outside but i've been dying on the inside for awhile. i think it started when God wasn't speaking to me anymore. i didn't know what to do. i had been doing everything right, everything He asked... i'm going to homegroup and church and attending V&C on monday nights. i babysit for the Cowens whenever i possibly can and i try to help out around the house... i was praying every single day and just being WITH Him for hours on end... i'd never been happier, never been more full of life in the Spirit.

and then one day i woke up really cold.

and i tried praying in tongues like usual.

but nothing.

and i tried talking about it to a few people, to no avail.

it wasn't helpful what they said and the only thing i knew was

that something had grabbed me and yanked me under.

i was desperate to laugh.

desperate to smile again.

i wanted to hang out with people.

to get invited.

to be part of a group.

to have friends.

but... it's been weeks now.

thursday night i'm supposed to go to Serita's show with Cara

and i definitely will if it works out...i just don't know how i will handle it.

i've been crying everyday again.

it might be a situation or a stupid song that sets me off.

and i have a nasty cold too.

my nose is SO SORE.

i missed church today because i felt so cruddy.

i hate missing church.

oh yeah. my car got hit by someone too.

huge dent in the driver's door.

hello something else i don't need.

i have to work floorset this week.

10-4:30 and then a 6am to 2:30pm.

i have wednesday and thursday off.

work the weekend.

then it's sunday again.

i don't really have any friends here in Kenosha anymore.

at least not any that ever have time for me.

my heart is so very alone and lonely.

people have told me it gets better than this but i don't believe it.

my birthday is in April and i don't plan on telling anyone at all.

i just want to disappear.

the light meets the dark...years later.

relentless.

He is so relentless.

after a week and a half of very hard days and nights, i believe He is changing me to see something new.

You make all things new.

i think that if we didn't resist Him, there would be so many things we wouldn't learn.
don't misunderstand me... i wish my heart could be completely His 24/7, every second of everyday.

but i know that i fail.

and i do hate that i fail Him.

it does cause me deep sorrow.

but in brokenness, there is restoration.

in emptiness, there is a filling.

where there is death, there is also new life.

even Paul says that the darkness only shows the beauty and brightness of God's perfect Light.

in the infamous words of Jon Foreman,

"the shadow proves the sunshine"