I found a skillet and said
hey you i love your soul,
they told me i was invincible,
i said nah i was just ardently worshiping
they said i'm an alien youth
i rebelled and collided with scary truth
that made me comatose
but then a bunch of things happened
and now i'm awake....
SKILLET'S ALBUM DROPPED TODAY!!!!!!!! GO PURCHASE AWAKE!!! IT'S AMAZING AND IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!! YAYYYYYY SKILLET!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Looking Back.
While cleaning my room the other day, I came across a notepad with something I had written and I decided to share it here. I don't recall how I began writing it, what it was for or why I even wrote it, but I thought it was decent so here it is:
Two voices. A struggle.
"You can't do this" voice one cries, "I love you too much!"
As I sink to my knees onto the floor, dark stains appear on the carpet; tears splashing down right beside. The other voice speaks more clearly:
"There is nothing you can do anymore-you don't belong here, just say goodbye"
More tears and my body begins to shake.
Quietly, from far away the first voice whispers, "Stop. I love you. Please don't."
Quicker tears, less shaking.
Slowly the blade falls from my fingertips, hits the floor without a sound.
This time, I win.
I feel so free.
The pain still grips me...but...
His peace is strong.
So much stronger.
Two voices. A struggle.
"You can't do this" voice one cries, "I love you too much!"
As I sink to my knees onto the floor, dark stains appear on the carpet; tears splashing down right beside. The other voice speaks more clearly:
"There is nothing you can do anymore-you don't belong here, just say goodbye"
More tears and my body begins to shake.
Quietly, from far away the first voice whispers, "Stop. I love you. Please don't."
Quicker tears, less shaking.
Slowly the blade falls from my fingertips, hits the floor without a sound.
This time, I win.
I feel so free.
The pain still grips me...but...
His peace is strong.
So much stronger.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Expeditions Unlimited--Because Students Matter
Because Students Matter-
a phrase i have heard quite often over the years from my youth pastor, Ben, and i've always agreed with him-- students matter, they deserve attention from adults, it's not right when funds for students are taken for other groups and such, students are where the future lies and they need to know they are worth it, worth everything.
so Pastor Ben's vision was to show students that they matter and prove it to them and that the leaders would live out that motto. as a student leader, we should be calling the students and making sure they're on the right track, be praying for them and pursuing them and trying to make them realize that they are worth dying for in God's eyes. we need to get them involved in church and OWN their own faith, just because their parents are Christians does not guarantee them a way into heaven, they need to own their faith, live it themselves, its not a free ride. so this is the task with which we were placed a few years ago.
where does that bring me today?
well this weekend, friday and saturday, was/is (cuz i'm sitting here at expeditions typing this) our leadership "retreat" if you want to call it that. basically its a couple days every year before the teaching year officially starts and all the leaders get together, bond, go over curriculum, fellowship and discuss the up coming year and past issues and we work together to (hopefully) make the next year the best for the students. if we're prepared the best we can be, the better that is for the students...or so we hope.
yay for expeditions unlimited! i'm excited for this upcoming year and even though i'm not leading a small group this year, i simply cannot wait, it's going to be a great year.
i want to leave you all with one last thing, the curriculum we are using this year is through LifeWay and their homepage has downloadable podcasts...very good podcasts that i encourage you to check out, at least one =)
http://www.lifeway.com/known/
a phrase i have heard quite often over the years from my youth pastor, Ben, and i've always agreed with him-- students matter, they deserve attention from adults, it's not right when funds for students are taken for other groups and such, students are where the future lies and they need to know they are worth it, worth everything.
so Pastor Ben's vision was to show students that they matter and prove it to them and that the leaders would live out that motto. as a student leader, we should be calling the students and making sure they're on the right track, be praying for them and pursuing them and trying to make them realize that they are worth dying for in God's eyes. we need to get them involved in church and OWN their own faith, just because their parents are Christians does not guarantee them a way into heaven, they need to own their faith, live it themselves, its not a free ride. so this is the task with which we were placed a few years ago.
where does that bring me today?
well this weekend, friday and saturday, was/is (cuz i'm sitting here at expeditions typing this) our leadership "retreat" if you want to call it that. basically its a couple days every year before the teaching year officially starts and all the leaders get together, bond, go over curriculum, fellowship and discuss the up coming year and past issues and we work together to (hopefully) make the next year the best for the students. if we're prepared the best we can be, the better that is for the students...or so we hope.
yay for expeditions unlimited! i'm excited for this upcoming year and even though i'm not leading a small group this year, i simply cannot wait, it's going to be a great year.
i want to leave you all with one last thing, the curriculum we are using this year is through LifeWay and their homepage has downloadable podcasts...very good podcasts that i encourage you to check out, at least one =)
http://www.lifeway.com/known/
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
...cuz i know You can save her, Jesus, Savior
tonight, very triggered very afraid very alone.
had some music on random like i do, you know that whole needing-music-to-get-you-through kind of thing...well earlier today i had "romance me" by disciple on repeat and when i turned my ipod on and started playing it, romance me played and then "whatever reason" also by disciple came on and i was like ok cool, 2 disciple songs in a row.
well that was about 2 hours ago that happened and i had shut my ipod off while i cleaned and popped a cd in instead and just a few minutes ago when i turned it back on to listen to some music to maybe calm me down and help me stop thinking the thoughts i've been thinking, this song came on and i just started crying because a very special and close friend once when i was struggling, gave me a link to this song in a message and told me she was praying the lyrics about me that night and... when i turned my ipod on, this song came on and i just started crying and thinking of that friend and i found a reason to hold on tonight...
had some music on random like i do, you know that whole needing-music-to-get-you-through kind of thing...well earlier today i had "romance me" by disciple on repeat and when i turned my ipod on and started playing it, romance me played and then "whatever reason" also by disciple came on and i was like ok cool, 2 disciple songs in a row.
well that was about 2 hours ago that happened and i had shut my ipod off while i cleaned and popped a cd in instead and just a few minutes ago when i turned it back on to listen to some music to maybe calm me down and help me stop thinking the thoughts i've been thinking, this song came on and i just started crying because a very special and close friend once when i was struggling, gave me a link to this song in a message and told me she was praying the lyrics about me that night and... when i turned my ipod on, this song came on and i just started crying and thinking of that friend and i found a reason to hold on tonight...
"Savior" by Disciple
Laughter, that’s so part of her
Is something that we haven’t heard
In such a long long time
Replaced with crying long sleepless nights
She needs your power Lord
Pour it all over
In her darkest hour Lord
Pour it all over
‘Cause I know You love her more than I could love her
You’ve already given more than I could offer
So I put my hope in You,
‘cause I know You can save her
Jesus, Savior
The problem hidden inside
Is screaming something’s not right
And I would lay down my world
To reach out and fix what’s broken in her
Deep within every stripe is the hope that I find within You
Is something that we haven’t heard
In such a long long time
Replaced with crying long sleepless nights
She needs your power Lord
Pour it all over
In her darkest hour Lord
Pour it all over
‘Cause I know You love her more than I could love her
You’ve already given more than I could offer
So I put my hope in You,
‘cause I know You can save her
Jesus, Savior
The problem hidden inside
Is screaming something’s not right
And I would lay down my world
To reach out and fix what’s broken in her
Deep within every stripe is the hope that I find within You
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Year Goes By and I...Can't Talk About It.
8-18-08
After a summer of hardly speaking and hardly seeing each other, a friendship ended. The first person I ever trusted to let "in" and see me for who I was decided that riding horses and going off to college and her "new life" were more important than staying friends with the person who had been there for her since the 2nd grade. Over 8 years of friendship ended that day.
To me, it was just enough to send me over the edge so I decided if she didn't want to be my friend, that was it, I didn't need to be on this earth.
A split second before committing suicide I was saved in an unexpected way and ever since life has been so surreal. The only times it's real, it's like I rise above everything and then have to come crashing back down whenever something happens. I sincerely wonder if I will ever be able to just smile and have fun again without the hurt and the ache, that missing piece of me she once filled.
Self-inflicted wounds.
I blame myself for all the hurt.
So today, when I awoke from a dream about us, I have decided to dedicate the song "Don't Wake Me" to you....cuz "this is as good as it gets".
It's been a year.
And Katie...
...I miss you ♥
http://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd211/bandmonkey08/SpringandSummerof2008061.jpg
After a summer of hardly speaking and hardly seeing each other, a friendship ended. The first person I ever trusted to let "in" and see me for who I was decided that riding horses and going off to college and her "new life" were more important than staying friends with the person who had been there for her since the 2nd grade. Over 8 years of friendship ended that day.
To me, it was just enough to send me over the edge so I decided if she didn't want to be my friend, that was it, I didn't need to be on this earth.
A split second before committing suicide I was saved in an unexpected way and ever since life has been so surreal. The only times it's real, it's like I rise above everything and then have to come crashing back down whenever something happens. I sincerely wonder if I will ever be able to just smile and have fun again without the hurt and the ache, that missing piece of me she once filled.
Self-inflicted wounds.
I blame myself for all the hurt.
So today, when I awoke from a dream about us, I have decided to dedicate the song "Don't Wake Me" to you....cuz "this is as good as it gets".
It's been a year.
And Katie...
...I miss you ♥
http://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd211/bandmonkey08/SpringandSummerof2008061.jpg
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Such a Bother.
I just want to sit in a corner,
curled up as small as can be
maybe if I could be invisible
i could be happy.
If i could have a corner,
just a small one would do
i could sit and cry and not
be a burden to you.
Such a bother i am
always needing something
never okay, never alright
But if i had a corner,
i could be happy.
curled up as small as can be
maybe if I could be invisible
i could be happy.
If i could have a corner,
just a small one would do
i could sit and cry and not
be a burden to you.
Such a bother i am
always needing something
never okay, never alright
But if i had a corner,
i could be happy.
Monday, August 3, 2009
trying.
so i'm trying to be happy and not live depressed.
i really truly am.
and i try to make sure i eat something and that
i'm not purposely harming myself by being unhealthy.
and then....
days like today happen.
where i just want to curl up in my bed and cry.
(even though i'm clueless as to why i still get like this)
and where i go all day until 5-6 o clock without
eating anything and my mom makes me eat even
though i'm not hungry at all.
and even though its hot & humid today, and i'm not
even close to hydrated and when i stand up i feel dizzy,
a big part of me wants to go for a long walk with nothing
but my music to keep me company.
i HATE days like this because i hate feeling like this
and getting out of this mindset is hard. *sigh*
another day in the life.
thank goodness for the stars ♥
i really truly am.
and i try to make sure i eat something and that
i'm not purposely harming myself by being unhealthy.
and then....
days like today happen.
where i just want to curl up in my bed and cry.
(even though i'm clueless as to why i still get like this)
and where i go all day until 5-6 o clock without
eating anything and my mom makes me eat even
though i'm not hungry at all.
and even though its hot & humid today, and i'm not
even close to hydrated and when i stand up i feel dizzy,
a big part of me wants to go for a long walk with nothing
but my music to keep me company.
i HATE days like this because i hate feeling like this
and getting out of this mindset is hard. *sigh*
another day in the life.
thank goodness for the stars ♥
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