what kind of noise does a baby bird make?

ahh life is SO AWESOME!!!

lately it's been changing a LOT and i've been hanging out with a lot of different people so it's been sooo different but it's also been a blast! from hangin out with my friend kate to my sisters and i being crazy and fun to jumping into a lake completely spontaneously with my gabby friend...which is mostly what this blog is about.

okay technically, gabby was my sister's friend first but ever since the first time she was at our house, we just kinda clicked and we are texting buddies so we talk allllll the time, like the most random stuff ever it's hilarious. she's my girly girl frannnn. haha. we do our toenails and talk about guys and drive to the dells just to get starbuckss cuz we can :)

well, tonight, val and i decided we both REALLY wanted starbucks which is how this all started. i've not had starbucks in about 3-4 weeks give or take so i'm like, okay i can treat myself and make this a perfect day off (i didn't have to work today at either job so it was just awesome). so, i texted gabby (who lives closeish to me) and was like "what is gabbbbby doing tonight?" and she didn't respond foreverrrr then when val and i were already halfway to the dells she's like "just layin on my couch what's liz doin?" so i'm like "coming to get you! be ready!" and she didn't believe me so it was really funny. we got to her house and i honked obnoxiously cuz it's what i do then we took off to go to starbucks and omgosh driving in the dells with gabby and val is the besttt. we ALL like to yell at people walking (ha ha tourists!) so we were doing that and saw this truck with a carseat in the bed of the truck and we were mortified like, people put their kids in like that?? it wasn't just sitting in the truck bed, it was STRAPPED in and upright!! seriously people!! so we were laughing and already having a fun time and the song "california gurls" by katy perry came on the radio && that's our summer song so we jammed out of COURSE and by then we were at starbucks...got our drinks and i decided we should go to mirror lake since we had nothing better to do.

well, we got out at my favorite trail out of all of them and gabby's like "oh!! oh!! i know this one! we go swimming here all the time!" and i was surprised, i didn't know she even knew it haha. so we went down to the secret spot that only locals know about and climbed around on the rocks a lot and took some kraaaaaaaazy pictures

then Gabby turns to me and goes "let's go jump in the water!" and i'm like "uh...we didn't bring other clothes or swimsuits..." and Gab is like "so what? let's do it anyway!" so i'm like "alright what the hell let's do it!" so we did :P

okay so the sun was almost down now and where we were, there WAS no sun so the water was quite chilly where it was deeper and the part of the lake we were in has this ridiculous drop-off and Gabby goes "let's jump off the drop-off and get totally soaked!" (up until this point we were only sitting in the water so our shoulders and such were still dry. i looked at her and i'm like... "there's a DROP OFF?" i was honestly not too excited about that but it ended up being an absolute BLAST.

our pants were getting really heavy from the water so they were like FALLING OFF while we were swimming around oh gosh it was so funny! then we were splashing around and this bird like DIVE BOMBS us and Gabby's like "oh look at the little baby birds in the rocks!" and then she turns to look at me and goes "Hey Liz, what sound do baby birds make?" and we both started squawking it was the funniest sound in the whole world, and it was even FUNNIER because val was making a video of us at the time and if you're my facebook friend you can see it ahaha we were sooo hyper from the coffee xD

well then we got cold enough and decided to get out of the water and climb back UP the rocks before it got so dark we couldn't see properly.

and...as we were wringing out pants out, i discovered a little bit of seaweed that was clinging to me so i joked with Gabby that i found dessert for her and we pretended to eat it and then it was our "special" "mistletoe" haha it was so much fun :)

after that we walked back the long trail to get to my car and we realized that val was the only one dry yet (because she hadn't gone in with us) and that it was why people were giving us funny looks....it looked like she was the jerk who pushed us in hahaha. so we took THIS picture as a joke:

ohh such great fun!

finally, Gabby and i were STILL covered in algae and dirt and such so we decided to go to the shower buildings and get ourselves sorted out a bit better and we went in the same shower and Gabby thought it would be funny if she hid behind me so we took this pic and it wasn't until after we realized it appeared as though she was naked...which she actually wasn't!! hahaha. she was definitely wearing clothes xD

finally the day was ended with this GORGEOUS sunset as we drove back to our house :)

I. LOVE. SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

playlist.

i love music and decided to post some of my recent music obsessions...

no judging!

~whatcha say -jason derulo & imogean heap

~love drunk -boys like girls

~impossible -shontelle

~what do you want from me -adam lambert

~two is better than one -boys like girls ft. taylor swift

~bad romance -lady gaga

~in my head -jason derulo

ok i might add to this later but these are the most recently added to my itunes. check 'em out if you haven't yet! =)

((ps, better blog post coming sometime this week, i promise :))

"love your enemies"

i am not good at loving my enemies.

to understand that Jesus, while He was dying for us,

was LOVING us just as much as He loves us right now?

that is an AMAZING depth of love.

i really struggle with this...i realized it tonight when my family and i

went to the grocery store so my mom could order a cake for my sister's

graduation party. my ex-best friend's mom was working at the deli and

my mom was chatting with her and they were laughing and joking around

just like they used to, like nothing changed. however, i refused to make

eye contact and i wouldn't even acknowledge her. it wasn't until we were

walking out the door that God spoke to me and said "you know, i love her too."

it was a very sobering moment for me and i started to think just what would

happen if ever i came face to face with any of my old friends, the people who

hurt me so badly in the past. i realized i have no idea what i would do but that

i still feel bitter towards them and then well that made me question whether or

not i have/had actually legitimately forgiven them or not. obviously, if i haven't

this creates a real problem within me and hurts me a LOT more than i realize...

i WANT to forgive them for what happened yet we all know actually doing said

task within the heart is much more complex, it's not just a one time decision.

reminds me of a very great lyrics

i will forgive you, but it will take some time to forget.

"liar" by disciple.

learning.

please note, this is not my own writing, i have only copied it here because it was so eloquently written and it stirs my heart.

Father to you, O Lord, glory is defined and wonder is displayed in your majestic garb of holiness.

O Lord, I have not seen you in flesh, but I have seen your faithfulness. I have tasted your goodness and survived by your abundant grace.

My Savior, I have something to confess. In a time of little peril and small trials, I have fallen victim of unbelief.

The feet of my identity was shaken by waves of doubt. My mind was like a calm water, suddenly unclear, raging and dangerous by floods of confusion.

I cried out to you, and you pulled away. Why?

Why would you desire to watch your servant struggle; your beloved child suffer so?

My hands grasped for you in the stormy tempest, but I was pushed under the waves by lies and false testimony of the enemy.

“There is nothing to save you.” He laughed defiantly. “Doesn’t this whole God thing seem mysterious to you?” They taunted me relentlessly.

O Lord, I wasn’t hearing your voice, so these torments went without rebuke. A stronghold of darkness had been established and it laid a shadow of fear and confusion in my mind.

My worship felt incredibly empty, and my praise was a labor without relief.

“Come and rescue me!” I cried to you. “I yearn to hear your voice. This is all! This is my plea! Without it, I am lost and I cannot bare to live.”

Nothing I do prospers and my body begins to take toll in weakness. I confess my sins to you and the brethren, though it earned me no peace, or gift of manifestation.

Finally in a moment, in a silent moment of day you answer my supplications.

The Lord said to His son,

“Have you not asked me for a deeper faith? Did you not request for me to refine you, to strengthen your identity in me? Haven’t I told you that I would prepare you for greatness?” The Lord paused for me to ponder and agree. Then He continued. “Will you forsake me in such trivial moments? Will you so easily forget my promises in times of trouble? Is my Word like dust that it just blows out of your heart and soul without effort? Do you so easily forget what price your never ending grace has cost me? Was your identity so fragile and your foundation so inconceivably unstable?”

Then He lifted me up with encouragement, in His bosom of love and grace. “Stand under the power of my might! Humble yourself in my sight and I will lift you up! Put your trust in me and you will be healed. Remember that I delight in you and I have planned to make you prosper!”

I Worshiped Him

I am in awe of your ability to forgive me Lord. I held my heart at bay from a lack of trust. I confess my trust is in you, O Lord, and my heart is completely yours. My life is in your service, My King!

My shackles are gone, my burden has lifted and my joy has been restored! Praise to the Everlasting Father the Prince of Peace!!! Amen.

wrung dry.

just when i think i don't have any tears left in me, i start crying again.

over whatever, anything.

a hurtful comment from my parents, a situation that shouldn't bother me but does.

them talking about everything they're going to get my sister for when she moves to minnesota...how they're going to pay for her car, her rent, her apartment stuff... how they just hand her $50 but get angry at me when i ask them to buy me shampoo cuz i need it and i'm trying to save money for school.

when i try very very hard to be available for the friends i have left yet they don't want to hang out or have anything to do with me, and then we fight because i miss them and want to work things out but it never ends up happening. it's only getting worse.

i want out. i just want out.

of this life.

of everything.

i've lost sight of the light, of joy, i'm not sure i believe in real happiness anymore.

i'm wrung completely dry.

not seeking anything for myself anymore, just doing my best to get by.

stressful day and oh how i wish i could sleep!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

that is how today felt.

i didn't go to bed til late because well...i almost never do, i don't really sleep... ha.

and i planned on getting up for church this morning and going...but when my alarm went off and

i stood up to get movin, i felt so nauseous i was like okay back to bed.

so, with a sigh, i lay back down and after about ten minutes of feeling sick i passed out.

had to get up at noon cuz i had to bed to work at one, and when i rolled out of bed this time i felt better. i wasn't nauseous but i still didn't feel at one hundred percent. but oh well, i had to go to work. so i showered and got dressed and left the house about 5 minutes later than usual...great.

my day was already starting off with super stress because i had to speed to even think about getting to work on time...and i really hate speeding. i get very anxious when i speed but i have an irrational fear of cops so go figure right?

well, i sped the whole way to work (minus when i almost hit a deer. yep. typical right?)

and i got there and NATURALLY the parking lot was fulllllllll so i had to park practically in the buffalo phil's parking lot (um suck much?) but praise God i found a spot RIGHT away and it was on the very end of a row so that was super awesome. alright, i booked it into the store and discovered i was doing alright for time, i still had time to get my uniform straightened up and clock in WHEW! i breathed a sigh of relief.

welllllllllll... after about 20 minutes working it was very apparent that it was gonna be a pretty steady day... ok cool, busy is fine. well, once it got to be close to closing time i was not pleased. i filled everything 4 times in 5 hours. that's nuts! and you know, i like to at least TRY to keep things in the store somewhat neat looking but nope. tonight was just chaos. (my personal favorite are the people who totally destroy everything and then buy nothing, really people really???) *inhale*

anywho, then we were closing and that was fine but right at the last second this lady brings her two kids in... wonderful. so that a) kept me from finishing closing stuff b) made more of a mess to clean up 3) was just all around annoying. since i was already crabby none of this was helping in the least bit.

okay CLOSED. hallelujah right? not exactly.

now, store meeting...with like MAYBE 2/3 of the team? it would have been better with everyone but oh well you take what you can get. so yeah, that meeting was long. not that i dislike our team or anything because i definitely LOVE where i work, no questions asked, however... i was crabby, tired and really wanting to not be around people.... unfortunately. there were some really great ideas brought up and a few new things, more reminders of older things than anything else, i mean the meeting was to get us ready for summer as a team so in retrospect i definitely think we accomplished that, i just was crabby and wanting to not be there.

well i went home after that and relaxed for awhile, put on some comfy clothes and then i was reading and just chillllllllllllllllllllllin then i decided to go online for awhile, chatted with some of my favorite peeps (miss polska!!!!!!) and just when i decided to get offline and attempt sleep, my favorite duck popped up on aim "hey how's it goin?"

truth: i want seclusion from people and sleep. i feel like crap.

what i actually said: "good, and you?"

well... it was good conversation. i really needed it and i didn't even know it at the time.

and truthfully, i did more listening than i did talking but after we chatted i felt sooo much better...more relaxed? relieved? gosh i don't even know exactly what, just BETTER. so we said goodnight and i went to go take my contacts out and what happens? i turn around to grab my glasses and she's popped back up, sent me a song that totally made my night that much better.

♥ very grateful to have her in my life. :)

and um...I WISH I COULD SLEEP LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!

i wake up at like 10 a.m. every day whether i want to or not and it doesn't matter what time i go to bed!! for instance, it's 4:22 a.m. yes right now! and i'm tired yet i'm not tired. i probably won't sleep very peacefully. if i DO fall asleep i'm sure i will toss and turn all night long.... it's just been that way for about 2-3 weeks now. SUCK.

okay insomniac signing off so she can go take her melatonin & try to be normal with sleeping and such!

♥liz

deuteronomy 8.

"the Lord led his people into the wilderness. To humble them and to test them, to discover what was in their hearts--to see if they would still follow Him." (not a direct quote from the Bible, but a paraphrase from a friend)

this thought struck me.

maybe that's what God's been doing this whole time.

removing certain people from my life, bringing in others.

no one that i've come to rely on though, like past friendships i've had where i needed

to talk to people, needed to hear from them...no this has been different.

at first i thought "okay either i'm changing or other people are... and i'm scared."

i didn't want to lose touch with people i trusted, after all, i was trying to learn what living in

relationship with others was like...and how do you do that when there aren't people with accountability

in your life?? needless to say i was very confused.

and then i would grow closer to the Lord, hear Him better, when He would lead me to do something and i would

do it without hesitation, it was the most amazing thing. it felt like i had finally stopped fighting and was really

GROWING. i was inspired, excited, even joyful.

but... we all fall. we all have breakdowns. ultimately i think they are God testing our hearts (something new i've

been exploring, hence the blog post). well, mine entailed facts of life and my future and things that have been

hiding in darkness for a very long time finally coming to light. fears. a LOT of fears.

i spoke with kal about school of worship and how my application was going and he had some questions to get to know me better which i was completely okay with, it's not my story it's God's and i know i gain nothing by telling it. that said, speaking of my darkness and failures has never become easier, though i managed to get through without getting choked up this time (that was a relief...it's hard to explain to someone over the phone that you're choked up, they just assume you're being silent ha ha). well that was all okay for me then we started discussing finances and i panicked. i'm not one to hide it that i don't come from a wealthy family, not that they support me as it is, or that they would if they were, my family isn't like that. you fend for yourself unless it's something you cannot absolutely handle yourself. anyway, after this conversation i really got discouraged even though i know in my heart that if this is truly where God wants me it's going to happen. i had these fears. fears of not being good enough, fears of wasting my time in the past when i should have been doing other things i wasn't. fears that what i had been praying about and planning was suddenly not going to happen anymore... all of these STUPID fears. they just kept attacking me and being flawed as i am, i set out to achieve something, that is what i do, i try to achieve. so instead of waiting on God & trusting Him i took my own initiative and in my heart basically said "screw you God i'm not waiting, i'm independent i don't need you." and went and applied to all these places which ultimately was somewhere between 7 & 8 but they were all i knew were hiring that could work with my current work schedule... i wasn't even trying to hear Him. my attitude was very defiant and i didn't care. i didn't really have anyone to keep me in check so it just kept getting worse. instead of spending time with Him i was filling that time up with other things, watching tv, reading, projects that never really end. i could hear Him calling but i was so angry that kenosha and everything i'd been dreaming of had practically come to an end, i didn't want to face Him.

then one day i went to the store where my friend H works and i hadn't seen her since...well a long time. with me the way i get, i get so reclusive it might be months before i hang out with someone again. i think i hurt her by doing this but if people don't ask to make plans or take the initiative to talk to me, they drop off my radar. not something i do intentionally it's just a flaw that i'm working on. so anywho, i had texted her the day before asking when she worked and i worked that day as well but she got done later than i did by like an hour or something, so i said i'd come visit her. she had told me they were hiring and i'm like "cool i could never work there" but since it was in the mall where i already work, i was like hey i'll go visit her, no harm right? well she mentioned that i should fill out an application after i mentioned how stressed i had become about not having any response for getting a 2nd job...so i said what the heck and filled out an app right there in store. hung out with her later that afternoon but we were both so tired that it definitely wasn't the most fun we've ever had so i just went home and napped. when i woke up from my nap i could hear Him calling again...i was home alone and He knows that when my house is silent i have a very hard time ignoring Him...and as He is, persistence eventually wore me down and i just sat down on the floor and cried.

"what do you want with me? haven't i done enough? i don't even want to talk to You so why i am i such a mess?"

transparency.

it's SO freeing knowing the person who matters most knows the worst about you already. He already sees the dirt and loves you in spite of it.

i poured my heart out to Him but i still wasn't ready to be happy again. and i told Him that.

there's something about misery that i find so familiar and comforting at times, masochistic though it may very well be, it's something i know and maybe that's why i am so open to letting it rule me, not sure.

after just screaming for a good ten minutes or so, i just put my head in my hands and (hopelessly) tried the very old, very familiar "why won't You just let me go? let me die." but He didn't scream, no. He whispered,

I love you. you are worth more to me than my own life.

gulp. right, as if, in that state, i needed reminder of how little i deserved Him.

truthfully though, it was exactly what i needed.

it rained for 2 days straight following that day.

day three, i worked a morning shift, and when i left work the sun was shining.

i didn't really think anything of it, but then i got home.

began talking to my mom (who i had been giving the silent treatment to for about a week).

sat down and started smiling (without having to fake it) and suddenly the phone rang.

i'm like "phone's ringing. i'm not getting it." (haaa i HATE answering the phone) and so i just ignored it

figuring it was for one of my siblings or something and the next thing i hear is my sister "you want Liz? okay. LIZ!!"

and i rolled my eyes and was like who is it? and my sister goes... some girl named A? my eyes must have gotten

really wide because i WASN'T expecting it and she goes "someone you're expecting?" "not at ALL" i replied, taking

the phone from her. after a nervous "hello? this is liz" i discovered i had an interview the following day if i was

interested (YES!!) so next day i got all dressed for it and went for this interview. for the first time in AGES i prayed

while i was driving, thinking that this might all be part of His plan (why am i so slow to catch on??) and my sister is

sitting in the seat next to me, just babbling about anything and everything and she goes "we're going to starbucks

after this right?" and i joked "yes. either i will need it to sulk or need it to celebrate" so with that, i went in for my

interview.

what was i worried about? it was all planned out before i got there.

the questions were super easy, i already knew what they asked of me, pretty much everything i was asked wasn't

hard to answer because i DID know it from my experience already and i live it (customer service etc etc) and when

she asked about bad things i've experienced and good things i've experienced and how i handled both situations it

was really easy to explain because, obviously, it's something i've experienced and know so it wasn't hard to be

honest about it.

i walked away from that interview extremely positive.

A, who interviewed me said that i had a job as far as she was concerned.

walking out onto the sales floor, she goes to another associate "i LOVE her!"

i couldn't help but grin the whole way to starbucks.

then at starbucks i ordered chai tea frappes for my sister and i cuz i wasn't really in the mood for a coffee crash.

while we were sitting there waiting and waiting i thought "you know it would be cool if someone came up behind me

so i could buy their drink for them. i've always wanted to do that and God i know You'll give me the right timing to

do it someday."

next thing i know, the guy comes to the window and says "we accidentally made a double chocolatey chip instead

of your chai...would you like both?" i was so speechless my sister had to answer "yes thank you" for me.

it was the biggest size they have.

still thinking about it gets me super choked up.

like... whether or not i'm paying attention and whether or not i want it, God is going to show me He loves me.

after the desert comes a cool refreshing place, right?

and if we can hear His voice in the worst part of the desert, and if in spite of our circumstances we refuse to

leave Him, then we have passed the test.

i am in no way near perfect at passing tests, but maybe now i will be able to see these

hard times differently. instead of just trudging through them, trudging joyfully with hope.

HOW we live makes all the difference, not just that we have lived.

hopefully this jumble makes sense, being coherent when tired and overwhelmed is not my strong suit.

this "little" update i planned on doing (seriously i had only thought it would be like a paragraph!) has taken

me an hour to blog out haha. feedback always appreciated =] ♥

forever His,

~liz