what He saw.

“What was” A man Righteous in the sight of God, condemned by the men He was destined to save. Crucified by the ones He loved beaten by the ones He held. Cursed by the ones He forgave. “What I saw” It was my pride that pressed the crown of thorns into His brow. My transgression held the hammer that pounded in the nails, my anger that held the whip tightly between my fingers. “What was” It was my sin that He bled for, my sin that He carried the cross to the hill on Calvary, my sin. “What He did” He uttered not one curse, He breathed not one breath of anger. For my every grin and sneer was a tear He cried. His lips last utterance was forgiveness and love. And there I stood before the cross cursing Him with all my sin. But that’s not “what He saw” He saw a man before a cross, on his knees with his face to the ground. He saw not a hammer in my hand but the living word of God, He saw not the whip between my fingers but the laying on of hands for the sick, He saw not pride pressing in the crown of thorns but humility pressing for the crown of His sufferings, He saw not a man cursing in sin, but a man praising in righteousness made whole and standing before and empty cross for the Savior had risen! What we saw and what was are stark differences. He saw what was, because He saw what the Father saw. He lived in faith, not believed in it, but lived in it. He saw the evidence of things unseen. We could not see, for we did not have faith, not even of a mustard seed. He saw it and His tears were also the rejoicing of His sufferings and the reward of His promises! Why do you think He said, when I come back… Will I find faith? Will He?

"I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?"

losing expectations & changes.

please note, i have a new blog and currently post there more frequently than here. web address is www.bandmonkey08.wordpress.com i may copy some posts here, but for the most part that is where i will be posting. thanks for all those who read along, if there are even any of you left.

change is a good title to my blog post today.

i chopped my hair off. like...REALLY off. it's extremely short, not like buzz cut but it's definitely shorter that i have ever gone before.

but that is exactly what i wanted. i contemplated going even shorter than this. didn't do it thought. everyone keeps asking for pictures but i don't currently have any sorry. i mean i took a few but i don't think any turned out really, plus it's almost 11 and plus my hair is really curly since i showered. i hate that it does that. why can't it just lay flat or be in ringlets? why this messed-up, i'll-do-what-i-want-to business? anyway, i digress.



changes! yes. oh and lowering of expectations, which is included in the changes.

you might ask what expectations i'm lowering and i will tell you.

when i first moved here i was excited to meet new people, excited to have new friends to hang out with and enjoy life with.

i was excited to stop being such a flippin introvert.



these ideals have proved to be completely inaccurate of how things really are here.

i have only 3 people that i've hung out with, 2 of them being friends that i had before i moved here and the other one? oh in a few weeks she moves back home to Canada, i'll probably never see her again. strike one.

this all just really makes me curious...what makes me such an outcast? do i give off a weird vibe to people? am i awkward? is there something i'm supposed to DO that i've not DONE? i don't know. but today i made some changes to me. my hair is gone, and i bought a sketch book.

give me some utensils, my sketchbook and my notebook, a warm slightly breezy day by the lake filled with sunshine and my ipod, and i am perfectly content.

lonely perhaps, but it's what i'm going to have to get used to. i've determined you see, to get better at writing and get better at art since i suck at both. considering i don't hang out with anyone or really know anyone and i don't work THAT much, i do believe i will have tons of plenty of time to do this.



here's to becoming better at being alone. huzzah.

a new blog and some changes.

dear friends who read my blog, i have created a new blog at

www.bandmonkey08.wordpress.com

possibly i'll still update this one, maybe i'll be able to link it but no promises.

i really love the layout and theme of wordpress, so yeah.

that is all :)

hope you still follow along! :) :) :)

my soul will dance with You.

i wrote this while at the lake today.

Listening to worship music by the lake.

There's nothing quite like it.

As Hillsong plays on, the seagulls are swooping and the seagulls are rising with the wind.

The waters today are steady, so calm it's nearly intimidating.

Every now & then a few droplets of water spatter across my windshield.

Gazing at the beach and the slight crashing of the waves, I can't help but dream such romantic ideas:

...a group of people who have been touched by God, gathered around a single guitar player,

just freely worshipping, lifting praises to the King, raising their voices high beyond the ceiling

of clouds above them.

...walking along a beach.

one guy.

one girl.

together.

laughter. getting to know each other.

chasing seagulls. chasing dreams.

...a bonfire mere feet from the lapping of gentle waves.

joyful faces lit by the yellow-orange glow of the flames,

a grin on every face, simply enjoying each others company.

...sheets of rain, creating one giant muddy sandbox.

two friends laughing, shouting and jumping in the puddles,

not a care in the world other than this moment, right here, right now.

i can't wait for summer.

Your love.

this song has been on my mind all day...and i've been thinking.

it's not a coincidence that i've always been more drawn to the Kenosha congregation,

it's not a coincidence that the teaching series there currently is the love of God, something

that i have questioned and struggled with for a very long time.

where have i ended up living? 2 blocks from the building.

who prayed with me to receive the Holy Spirit? one of the elders from LLCC-K.

all of this has just hit me recently, revelation or call it what you like, but i put it

together for the first time. and well, lately i've been questioning whether Kenosha

is right for me and i have deduced that currently and in this season, it is right.

-------

in other news, spring is TOTALLY here, the temperature is rising and i'm just getting

more and more thrilled for warm weather. thrilled to spend hours by the lake, thrilled to

be OUTSIDE again in the glorious sunshine, and the rain too. thrilled to get to know more

people and do more things. there is hope and happiness in the near future and i am excited.

my spirit is stirring. something is going to happen soon, something significant.

i don't currently know what it might be, but i am pressing into God and as of now

He is just speaking to me to ground myself in the Word more and more and more.

get to know people, form RELATIONSHIPS, something i tend to not do, i tend to be socially

awkward and also i tend to seek solitude rather than be with people. i don't want to be

like that forever though, i want to be a relational being. that's how i was created afterall:)

you know what i think the BEST part of lately is?

the colors and life that are sprouting up everywhere.

every morning when i get up, i look out the kitchen window and rain or shine,

i see squirrels chasing each other, digging for treasures and scampering after each other.

i notice the subtle changes in the earth and plants around me, one day its slightly green

and the next day flowers have burst into life, as if only so i can see them.

i never realised how much i missed colour.

goodbye winter.

fighting...something.

to everyone who reads along with my posts, i'm sure you can tell that by the title of this post, it's not been an easy ride to living in Kenosha. now, please do not mistake me. i am 100% here because of God, but it has not been easy for me. i knew it wouldn't be though. growing and stretching, dying to yourself are never easy. they are always hard for a reason, the pain makes it worth it.

it's been beautiful but very hard at the same time.

i know that God's hand has been in bringing me here, every single part of it.

that makes the hard parts bearable, it makes it easier to know that when i'm crying out that He hears me, He's holding me, He's just plain there.

adjusting to a new way of life, new work environments, new relationships with people, that stuff hasn't been the hard part. it becomes a routine after awhile you know.

i just hate... certain things. things that are even hard to write.

i hate that the people i care about here most, i rarely see.

i hate that it's nearly been a month that i've been here and still i barely know anyone.

i hate that it's still nasty weather (ok that one i'll just suck up and deal with)

but mostly?

i hate that something is not okay and i feel like i'm screaming but no one is hearing me.

i am not a person to ever say that something is wrong, i just deal with it.

i don't even know who to turn to anymore, everything is so complicated and really people are busy so i don't have anyone to talk to. i just keep hoping and praying that i stop having nights like my birthday, because let's face it, crying until you can't anymore just sucks and exhausts a person.

off to sleep now. work tomorrow, then hopefully getting to see Lyssa.

maybe even homegroup if i can force myself to be around people.

remembering.

"i can see you as you're falling on your knees,

you're not invisible to me."

i'm trying to remember this tonight.

trying to remember that moment.

trying to make myself believe the truth of these words.

women's worship night.

ok this is very brief and not detailed really but at LLCC-Kenosha there was a women's worship

night. teresa was leading and it was just amazing. no words to describe except that God was soooo tangibly there. it was just beautiful how all of us sisters got to come together and be in the presence of our Father. the words brought and the songs brought were all so perfect.

it was significant for me (this night i mean) because it was the first time i've ever brought a word...

at first everyone was bringing words about water and going deeper with the Lord and i'm like

uhh...fire? haha. but i was obedient and brought it, i wasn't afraid, just a little unsure of what to do, so i approached maggie and she encouraged me to talk to teresa about it so i did and teresa was like YES! and so i went up front and 2 other people after me TOTALLY affirmed it. it was pretty much amazing for me and it was interesting too because i wasn't afraid even though i knew less than 5 people in the room, i didn't have any fear. that was totally awesome and of God :)

also, another thing, maggie sang a song in a tongue and while she was singing, i just

started CRYING because i knew what she was saying. an exact translation? no.

but the meaning? yes. it was about love and it was beautiful.

yeah.

oh and it's my birthday now.

and in 7 hours i'm getting up for church. haha.

best wayyy to start my birthday! with Jesus! woohoo!! :) :) :)

creativity has returned :)

so just a few days ago i did a photoshoot with the epic, the amazing Cara :)

i have a few shots here from that. these are my favooooorites from the shoot.

following the photos is a graphic i recently finished that i am in LOVE with.

it's got a lyric from the song "where the love lasts forever" by hillsong united

that i've fallen in love with recently.

and finally :)

my soul will dance with you.

"So I throw my life upon all that You are,
‘Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever."

-hillsong united.

a vision.

teresa was bringing a song about soaring with God, soaring high to the heights of His love

and soaring low to the depths of His heart. well i've never had such a vivid vision before like

this and certainly not during worship so this was pretty cool for me. anywhere, here goes:

My vision was of someone flying high with God bit being hesitant about things and they were just above the clouds.
All of a sudden the two soared past a huge fluffy white cloud and looking down there was the deepest valley and shadows and darkness below and the one soaring with God became afraid and started to become insecure in their trust and faith and they started to sink lower now just below the clouds.
The enemy was below and he saw this fear rise up and he began shooting his fiery arrows at the Beloved.
However the Lord stretched out a strong arm and said "do not be afraid"
as the arrows began to fly upward and the Beloved cringed, the Lord shielded His Beloved.

No matter which direction the arrows came from, He was there taking the darts and it was a joy to Him.

A JOY to protect and keep safe the one He loves, the one He longs for.

upset.

i haven't even been gone a full week and what happens?

my sister informs me that my mom is going through my closet where

i have a few things yet that i didn't get to, and throwing everything away

she comes across. not only that but she is going to be taking my posters

down off of my walls and repainting.

i asked her to not touch my posters.

that is the only thing i asked her not to do.

WHY AM I SO DISRESPECTED BY MY FAMILY!?!?!

my posters and pictures remind me of beautiful times in my life

and if ANY of them get ruined i will be seriously upset.

i told my sister if they touch my posters i will not come home ever again.

and i am completely serious.

this is it.

it's midnight.

i should be sleeping.

instead? i'm dreaming about tomorrow.

tomorrow is my first day living in kenosha.

i do not yet know where i will be actually LIVING.

but some very gracious people are allowing me to

at the very least stay short-term.

i am in love with my Jesus.

He is so good to me.

so. so. SO. faithful.

peace. be still.

why is it that i always expect God to follow my own timetable?

just this week for example, i've not known and not known, and not known

where i will be living yet when i get to kenosha.

God spoke to me about it, and i just kept doubting.

the place I will put you will be short-term, but it has purpose.

okayyy... and where might that be?

talk to Ian. talk to Kal. talk to Beth.

talk to Cara. talk to Heidi.

still nothing, no ideas.

"Okay God, any day now would be great."

be patient. I need you to trust Me.

"i trust you... i do. now just let me know where i'm living please?"

in my distrust and lack of faith,

He was silent for a few days.

heart aching, i searched and hungered to hear Him.

i would dive into verse after verse of Scripture, seeking

guidance, reassurance, anything to quiet my anxious thoughts.

"this isn't going to work."

"i'm not going to have a place on time."

"what am i going to do THEN??"

and then in the midst of it all, when least i expected it,

Peace. Be still.

and everything was okay.

wake up the next morning and it would be the same thing all over again,

yet still, those very same words would echo in my mind, and in my heart.

in the deep recesses of my soul, they would resound.

stillness.

and so i would drop everything i was doing and cleaning and packing didn't matter.

that moment, i was to respond.

grab my Bible, maybe put on some soft worship music.

and listen.

sometimes speak, but mostly, listen.

and be comforted.

building trust in me.

woke up this morning like i used to wake up from nightmares,

gasping for breath and feeling like the carpet had been yanked out

from under my feet.

it's that feeling i used to get on my days off, like i was late for work,

or had missed some important thing and ruined everything.

anxiety i guess you could call it.

it came back strong and i was NOT happy.

as i drove to town to run some errands, my heart just would NOT

quiet down and my mind was racing.

i voiced my thoughts to a friend in a text and her reply

hit me really hard:

uh, don't worry about it? hun you HAVE to let go.

trust Him with a faith that says, You HAVE to come

through for me because You HAVE to, because i'm trusting You.

and i was like...

wow she's so right.

and then i was reminded of a quote from a House episode that

i still love but am only starting to understand,

"you have the choice, either faith or fear."

and i realized that was SO TRUE.

i had been choosing to be afraid of the unknown instead of

believing it was completely known by God and i was safe

because of that.

so i stood up, grabbed my phone and attempted for a fourth

time to contact the person i believe i will be living with.

this time she answered.

and though we were only able to chat briefly

since she had class, i know everything will

be okay. it's going to be allllllright =)

that's what faith can do.

"and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise"

Psalm 143

1HEAR MY prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, and in Your righteousness.

²And enter not into judgment with Your servant, for in Your sight no man living is [in himself] righteous or justified.^{A)" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">(A)}

³For the enemy has pursued and persecuted my soul, he has crushed my life down to the ground; he has made me to dwell in dark places as those who have been long dead.

⁴Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed and faints within me [wrapped in gloom]; my heart within my bosom grows numb.

⁵I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your doings; I ponder the work of Your hands.

⁶I spread forth my hands to You; my soul thirsts after You like a thirsty land [for water]. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

⁷Answer me speedily, O Lord, for my spirit fails; hide not Your face from me, lest I become like those who go down into the pit (the grave).

⁸Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on You do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You.

⁹Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; I flee to You to hide me.

¹⁰Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; let Your good Spirit lead me into a level country and into the land of uprightness.

¹¹Save my life, O Lord, for Your name's sake; in Your righteousness, bring my life out of trouble and free me from distress.

¹²And in your mercy and loving-kindness, cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my inner self, for I am Your servant.

God gave me this tonight, to comfort me, and to remind me that i CAN rely on Him, though my family and friends and people i care about and care about me will fail, HE WILL NOT FAIL. He can't even THINK of failing!! how incredible is that??

i'm thankful that i have friends who when i speak of worries or fears, they simply, but sternly tell me "go get into the Word. spend time with God"

and i am SOO glad that i have those kinds of people in my life.

i love my new family

crunch time.

one week.

that is how long i have.

to move, get settled and be ready to start my new jobs.

plenty of time, no problems, it'll be easy.

oh.

yeah.

i still don't know where i'm living.

right.

i've been in pretty much constant panic & worry mode lately.

my stress level has been so high that i'm not eating or sleeping normally

and to focus on something is almost impossible. the ONLY way i've

been making it through without total meltdowns is music. (however

that does not include the numerous mini breakdowns i've had...and

those are happening at least twice a day. at least.)

what song were they playing on the sound system in church this morning?

"God Is In Control" by Twila Paris.

song from when i was little.

yeah okay the words are great and sure i believe them,

but i feel so helpless right now. in one week i have to start

my new job and as of right now i don't know where i'm living.

it's really easy for me to give into the fears that keep coming cuz

man, with this short of time, i hardly believe it possible. i mean

honestly who is going to agree to let me live with them and then

let me move in within one week?

stress...

"overwhelmed i say goodbye"

"welcome back my innocence,

how i have so longed to see your face again

overwhelmed i say goodbye,

as the pages turn i say goodbye,

passing by the end of my life.

pages turn, memories burning away,

ashes celebrate,

You're washing me, consuming me,

as i'm falling on Your sword,

You're washing me, branding me with grace,

innocence reborn"

-----------------

this is my last week living at home. my last week working in the Dells.

my last week of this season of my life.

everything is about to change.

-----------------

February was an intense month for me.

my life changed completely.

for those of you who do not know what all went down,

let me recap it for you the best i can. (also let me state that

if you wish to talk about it further or have questions, you can

comment here or catch me on facebook, twitter or anywhere

really :)

alright.

February. the beginning of the month.

the state of my mind and body and soul was terrible at best.

i was in an extreme depression, often thinking suicidal thoughts,

and for the first time ever, i began to battle intensely with anxiety.

going to work was a fight for me, and just interacting with people drained me

so much that a 5 hour shift would cause me to sleep for 14 hours and still feel

tired. honestly i was not in a good place with my relationship with God, i was

pushing Him away, running from Him and just plain not accepting His love.

to anyone reading this you might say "well DUH there's your problem" to which

i would reply, "well DUH i know" but when you are in the middle of depression,

fully believing you deserve the pain and suffering you are dealing with, and when

the enemy has a strong grip on you because you let him, it's NOT that easy to break

free.

this was me.

February 5, 2011. The Rock and Worship Road Show in Madison, Wisconsin.

the lineup consisted of, MercyMe, Matt Maher, Anthem Lights, The Afters, and...surprise

performers? Disciple. i had already planned on going to this because TFK and Jars of Clay

were supposed to be there and perform but due to illness, both were not able to play that night.

But Disciple was in the area and agreed to play one show on the tour. i was amazed that it was

the one show i went to. God was clearly starting something.

shortly before the rock and worship road show, i had corresponded with Kevin Young about

something related to the band and promoting them for their tour etc. i had planned on going

to a show in Ohio which ended up not working out, and because i was promoting that tour date,

i was supposed to get free tickets to the show, well, since i wasn't going, i emailed Kevin, letting

him know that i would not be able to make it, thank you for the kindness of the free tickets,

and hope to catch you at a show sometime soon. purely business. well, i was completely shocked

when his reply was "cool. thanks." and then he went on to ask about me. how was i doing, what

was going on in my life. he finished the message by saying i was special to him and for some

reason i had the hardest time with those words. i wasn't anything special, why did he say that?

why did he say those things? didn't he have better things to do than waste time on a paragraph

in an email to a fan? i replied, utterly confused by why he offered this kindness out of nowhere.

i wasn't used to that. people never wanted to know how i was REALLY...and he did?

eventually it ended up where i opened up to him and with such tenderness and kindness, he

replied to my hurting and pain-filled words. for the first time in ages, someone cared. that gave

me hope.

fast forward back to the road show. i was a nervous wreck. i had been vulnerable and open with

him about darkness in my life. it was hard to do through email, and now i was going to see him

in person? talk about anxiety problems. even though we hadn't been talking much, i was more

thankful than she probably knows, that jen was with me. surrounded by that many people at

the show, if i would have been by myself, i would have had a melt down at that point in time.

lots of people, lots of activity and tons of noise of course. all of those things with an intense

anxiety problem? talk about a recipe for disaster. but...it didn't turn out that way. the bands all

performed and jen and i were hanging out by the table with amanda who we looooove :) she's

basically the best chick in the band...oh wait... the ONLY chick. yeah. we love her to death :)

so yeah, we got to hang with her and then the band came out to sign after the show was over,

and jen and i could care less about autographs, we just wanted to see the guys! er...jen did. and

i did too... but i was also afraid. no, terrified. and anxious. and full of nerves. and dizzy because

i hadn't eaten anything in two days. great combination. anyway, we got in line and jen made me

go in front of her, so in case i fainted, she could catch me (told ya, i love her!) well i had my copy

of 'southern hospitality' to get signed just so i could see the guys cuz there were a LOT of people

and going through empty handed got you glares from security. so, kevin was first in line and i

was shaking. i set my cd down and he looked at it, noticed my tattoo, signed the cd, did a double

take, looked up at me, grinned and yelled in excitement. i was SO nerved up that i JUMPED and nearly knocked jen over. he then grabbed me into a hug across the table ( i swear, he loves doing that xD and i am SHORT!) and he just looked me in the eye and quietly asked "how are you

doing?" i whispered 'okay' but it was loud and i didn't think he heard me, much less believed me.

i moved on down the line and we joked and chatted with the guys and once we got to the end, we

turned to walk away and kevin goes "Liz! we love you! and i am SO glad you are here" still full

of nerves and anxiety, i walked away totally shell shocked by what had just happened. he was

aware of the darkness and terrible things in my life, and he was HAPPY to see me? what was

wrong with him? i was so lost in thought, jen and i got lost. haha. anyway, that was weekend #1.

February 12, 2011. Rules of Engagement Tour. Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

just a couple days before this show, i had had a TERRIBLE day followed by an even worse night of insomnia and being attacked by the enemy. self injury was a reality once again and i was contemplating worse things. everytime i would start to think of "escape routes" i would be reminded of one particular night in Rhinelander, Wisconsin, where Kevin Young made me promise him that i would not give up. i promised and no matter how hard i tried, i could NOT break that promise. something in me held me to that promise. well it was about 4 am and i still hadn't slept, was EXHAUSTED, weary, crying and hurting, and very out of it due to the sleeping pills i had taken that weren't working. i tweeted something along the lines of "having a terrible night. can't stop thinking about the promise i made @DiscipleKevin months ago now." after tweeting it, i dropped my phone on my chest and just cried and cried as i listened to "eternity" by Disciple. that song kept me going months earlier and on this night, it was okay, but it wasn't really helping. then my ipod switched and the song "invisible" came on and i was SOBBING. that was me, i was invisible. no one cared and i was hurting. all of a sudden in the pitch black of my room, my phone lit up and my first thought was who on earth is awake at this time of the morning? i opened the text to see this from twitter: "DiscipleKevin: @bandmonkey08 I am a big fan of that promise. Philippians 4:13. You can all things THROUGH Christ who gives YOU strength" it was now 5:19 am and i was in complete shock. i didn't even THINK he would read my tweet. what were the odds? so, with tears rolling down my cheeks, and my very very tired and confused brain just churning, i passed out from exhaustion finally about 6am.

this was the only show i actually PLANNED to attend. i chose to drive an hour out of my way

just to pick up the amazing alyssa kristine so that she could come to the show too :) lyssa and

i both got to the show at like 3:30 in the afternoon...for those of you who are unfamiliar with

show timings and such...we were about 3-4 hours early for the doors to even open. however, i

was ready to talk to kevin in person and i fully believed i would get to, though, i was still under terrible anxiety and didn't know exactly how i would be able to speak. my heart was ready, but

my soul and mind were still afraid. lyssa and i met up with trent shortly after arriving and that

was pretty much epic, we got to chat with him and hang out for a very long time and that was

definitely a highlight of the show for me, with him being fairly new to the "band" part of the

band, i feel like he gets skipped over sometimes, when, in fact, he's a pretty much amazing

person. if you haven't met him yet or talked to him, you fail, and should get on that :) anywho,

we hung out with trent for awhile, then micah and andrew showed up and started getting their

instruments together and were hangin around by the stage, and then yay amanda showed up

and that was a great time because i was able to help serve and carry in merch for her, and i

LOVE helping out more than anything. they do so much, giving back pales in comparison :)

then amanda went to go eat with andrew and she asked us if we wanted to come with her and i

said, "if you don't mind" and she smiled and said "of course not!" so lyssa and i followed her and

just hung out some more. this time, we were chilling with trent and micah, who, when we sat

down, were in an intense debate about cheese, which, being from wisconsin, i had a thing or two

to say about cheese, so i joined right in the discussion, like it was ridiculous. we were arguing about it like it matters :P haha. it was great though, i was so involved, i had forgotten my anxiety, wasn't nervous, and felt like i was among family. shortly after this debate was underway, i was saying something about how awesome wisconsin cheese is and how sucky california cheese is and all of a sudden, lyssa, sitting next to me, just FREEZES and i noticed (i'm very observant when it comes to people) and only then did i notice Kevin had walked in. that

was all it took for my anxiety to come back hardcore and all of a sudden i could barely breathe and my hand were shaking. at this point, i was SUPER thankful for my amazing friend mary

who just so happened to be texting me and reminding me that it was okay, and that i was safe with these people. kevin grabbed some food and sat down across the table from me, and before he even started eating he just kept smiling at me and i could barely make eye contact, i was still very much consumed with darkness and dark things. after silence and a few bites of kevin eating, he looked up at me and our eyes locked and he asked me how i was. i couldn't answer, and my hands were shaking so badly, breathing was difficult. the anxiety just would NOT let me go. i tried to say "i'm okay" but as i went to pick up my phone, he could see my hands were shaking and he looked at them then at me again and said "i saw your tweet." *pause* "do you want to talk?" my heart skipped a beat and i nodded, but then kind of looked around panicking at the amount of people there, and he lowered his voice and asked "later?" and i nodded again and whispered "yes please". he smiled and said okay and then went on to ask me what kind of music i listened to which somehow resulted in me handing over my ipod and him going through it.

fast forward to later, during the show, as the first few opening notes of "Invisible" began, i felt my knees instantly weaken and i had to grip the stage to keep standing up. God was speaking to my heart. walls were crashing down. i was FINALLY starting to feel His love, to understand it in a small fraction of it's fullness. for the first time since i first heard the song with the album's release, i let myself get carried away by the lyrics and the melodies pulled me in. several times as he was singing, kevin made eye contact with me and that pierced me to my core, completely shattering walls that i'd worked so hard at building up. then, as they got close to hitting the bridge, Kevin kneeled down, singing with intense passion the lyrics he had written for the lonely and broken,

I can see you as you're falling on your knees

and the next thing i knew, he was reaching out his hand and gripping my shoulder

you're not invisible to me.

i broke.

tears came flooding out, as lyssa and i gripped each other's hands and i just CRIED.

my heart was still hurting, but i knew everything would be okay. somehow. it just would.

----

February 19, 2011. Rules of Engagement Tour. Peoria, Illinois.

this show wasn't planned until the last minute. i was in Kenosha for 4 days, visiting friends and

was staying with the amazing heidi :) somehow we knew we had to go to this show in peoria and

even though it was a 4 hour drive from Kenosha, we were doing it. we spent the entire car ride there just TALKING and that was incredible and seriously healing for me, and also worshipping. the last 2 weekends had just totally blown me away and i wasn't angry at God anymore. my heart still wasn't in good shape, but it was the best it had been in a very very long time. and i was smiling again. jen met us at the venue and once the guys got there, they invited us into the venue to hang out and it was pretty amazing. by this point, andrew and israel both had (and now have) nerf swords (so if you're thinking of stealing anything from them just watch your backs!! they sleep with their swords in their bunks!!!!!!!!!) and we got to watch them battle pretty epicly. it was a very relaxed kind of day in which andrew told us the venue was our playground and we could go wherever we wanted. (ha for those who wondered, no, we didn't do that :P we were very respectful) and being females, the first thing we did was go in search of a bathroom when suddenly! we got arrested by security (they were very GOOD security! *nod*) and when we talk about it now we still laugh because jen was the one who used the term getting "arrested". later, when we were chatting about it, kevin got upset but we had to reassure them that we thought it was funny and we would MUCH rather them be safe with good security than them get hurt with relaxed security. (so next time security annoys you, remember, they ARE a sign of good). this time, we got to hang out with andrew quite a bit while he changed strings and tuned guitars (dude's a beast! he did double duty with project 86 on this tour, and that just raises his awesomeness level) then after while he went to go eat and was like "food's this way, c'mon" and we all just looked at each other and laughed and followed him downstairs to where catering was. he glared at all of us and refused to get food himself til all 3 of us had food (except i got away with not eating...haha long story but let me just say i cannot eat food before concerts. it neeeeeever ends well). so we sat down with him and amanda and a couple other awesome ladies and talked and hung out and laughed. a lot. (that just seems to happen when andrew's around) and after everyone else had pretty much left and eaten, the wild and mysterious Kevin Young appeared to scavenge some food as well. (ha it was a joke because he was almost too late haha) and he sat by us and we got to just hang out and talk and it was really great.

if i could never say anything else good about the Disciple gang, i would say that they LOVE and they love WELL. in the end, that helped my heart change and heal more than almost anything else.

after the show on this night, Kevin got up and spoke for 20-30 minutes.

and the topic?

LOVE.

i was blown away.

that was what God had been speaking to me, telling me.

going to ANY lengths to show me.

the walls around my heart were almost gone.

i was filming Kevin speaking and finding it very difficult because his

words were impacting my heart and i kept finding tears sliding down

my cheeks. it was SO weird for me, i'm usually very good at keeping my

emotions under control.

i knew i was getting close to a break down and alls i could do was hope it

wouldn't manifest itself in front of anyone.

after the show was over, jen and i went up on stage to help tear down and got started firstly

on trent's drums then i noticed kevin by the side of the stage drinking some water and i went over to him and threw my arms around him, hugging him super tight. i just needed it and i was

SO glad he just let me. finally i pulled away and with tears in my eyes i smiled at him and said "i need to go help trent. but thank you" and as i went one way, he headed off to another. so we helped tear down as much as possible then once i started to feel like i was just in the way (there were a lot bigger, stronger guys around lifting more than i could :P ) so i wandered off to see if i could help amanda out with merch at all, since i had a decent amount of experience with band merch and inventory (woo the fun side of road life!) and i was able to help her out which was fantastic then i got to give kevin another hug and just hang out there for a little while as i waited for heidi and jen to come out to where i was while the big strong guys loaded the trailer. after kevin finished the compassion paperwork, i asked if he'd like help carrying anything and he laughed because we had just said the same things one week before. i picked up the tube for the poster/sign and he said "alright follow me to the bus!" and so we did. then after hanging out on the bus for what felt like 2 hours of pure amazingness, it was that time for them to go so we said our goodbyes, gave our hugs and headed out ourselves.

not even 5 minutes after we'd gotten into heidi's car, did i feel the emotions begin to take over. neither one of us really felt like talking yet and she suggested i put on music and so i did. i started out with dear x, which i was singing strongly, yet in a terribly croaky voice because i might have yelled a lot earlier that night. and then it just HIT me and i apologized for changing it mid song but i HAD to put on "whatever reason" and as the song started, i realized the words cara had spoken to me weeks what seemed like forever ago, were about to come true:

the reason you have anxiety & panic attacks is because you are not secure in Christ, & the enemy has a severe hold on your life. i saw a picture of you in this dark cloud, like you were pushed down on the ground within it, but there was light all around the cloud of darkness...& occasionally little rays of light would begin to permeate the cloud, but you would actually push them away & not let them touch you. you could see them from a distance, but never wanted them to touch you. & God showed me that those little lights were people who love you & care about you, but that they can never dispel the darkness. HOWEVER, next i saw a change in you - you stood up in confidence & then the little rays of light began to seep through the darkness & touch your face. & once you let them touch your face, this BRIGHT light just ENGULFED you completely, & you looked completely different than you did before. as i was pondering this, realizing that the brightest light was God, i asked Him why He didn't just do that in the first place. & He said, "because i want her to CHOOSE me first. & then freedom will come." i believe that the two go together, once you choose to overcome, & you choose God over all other things in your life, you will be forever changed. you won't have stress & anxiety anymore. you will even LOOK different!

and as heidi drove, the music played on, i tried to sing but i could not.

the words "whatever happened with what went wrong,

i just want you to come home"

and i was crying and shaking from crying.

gasping for breath because all i knew right then was

LOVE as this prodigal began running home.

finally the song finished and the tears slowly dissipated.

i didn't have any anxiety anymore.

no nerves.

my mind was clear.

and free.

and i KNEW that God had wrapped His arms around me.

for the first time in over 3 years i felt perfect peace.

----

the following day (sunday morning, church/meeting)

----

the next day i attended LLCC-Kenosha with heidi and

EVERYTHING that day was about love.

the spark led with "your love is strong" which i was able

to shout and KNOW in victory. God's love that morning

was so THICK and REAL you could see it in the smiles of

children who were walking past. the word that was brought

was all about love as well and the word that i kept hearing in

my heart and in my head that morning was

RELENTLESS

and throughout that whole time, God was telling me, showing me especially visually,

through memories, evidences of His love and it's unrelenting passion for me.

-He used my favorite band to show me love when i wouldn't let anyone else in

-those timely instances with Kevin (ie: email and twitter)

-conversations with friends

-Disciple being at the rock and worship road show

-people at work saying certain things

...and it just went on and on.

then during announcements, Tim announced that V & C that night would be on

being baptized in the Holy Spirit and heidi just turned to me and was like

"Liz you need to go to that" she had to work and i was supposed to hang out with

cara so i was like "well i dunno...maybe we'll see" but something in my heart really

wanted to go...i didn't really know much about it other than what i'd learned from

cara and on my own in the last year and i was very curious. i knew it was something

i wanted, but i also was afraid. not of God, but of the life change i knew would follow

if and when it happened to me.

----

fast forward to v&c that night

----

cara and i got there super early and were sipping away at our starbucks and

ian (one of the church's elders)was there, he was teaching that night and

so as we tried to warm up a bit

(it was absolutely frigid!) we chatted and also talked with ian who remembered

my name and that i had wanted to do the school. i was amazed at that because

i hadn't talked to him in person before ever and for him to know who i was

definitely meant something to me.

well, ian went through the teaching and as i was sitting there throughout the

teaching, i was very much relating to ian's own personal testimony and also

i was being attacked by the enemy. he was trying to instill a fear in me of God

by putting thoughts into my head like "you'll be a freak if you do this" and

"do you want to be any weirder than you are now?" and on top of that, he

was attacking me with anxiety again. however, i was DONE with him and

even though it detracted from me listening to the teaching completely, i had

a couple of moments where i had to close my eyes and just speak out Jesus'

name and power over the situation and declare that i was NOT afraid of my

God and my Lord. there was nothing to fear with Him, not in the way the

enemy was trying to attack me with. finally ian finished the teaching and he

stated "alright, tim and i will be up front here, willing to pray with and lay hands

on anyone who would like to receive the Holy Spirit" and as soon as he spoke

that, i knew i needed to go. God spoke to me and just whispered "obedience"

alls i had to do was go up there and i knew He would be faithful. i knew what

would happen. He whispered for me to not fear His power, but to embrace it

and embrace Him.

Cara turned to me and smiled and asked 'so are you going to go up there?' and

i smiled weakly and replied "i think you already know the answer to that" so

she smiled back and stated "alright let's go!" she stood up and i felt so torn. i could

choose to say no and sit there, or stand and drag myself up there. i was afraid but

He kept whispering "I simply want your obedience" and so i began to stand up,

and i didn't even finish standing up before it could feel Him lifting and carrying me.

i did not walk to the front in my own strength, He carried me. i am sure of it.

once we got to the front, we went up to ian and began to pray.

ian prayed over me, then encouraged me to speak to God myself and out loud,

and then he lifted my arms up for me and physically i could feel the change.

ian instructed me to start to take deep breaths and as i did, i could feel myself

being filled like a jar getting filled up with water. i was concentrating on breathing

because it was just SO MUCH and as i was breathing, i was mouthing words and

then ian encouraged me to speak what i was mouthing (which i didn't realize i was

doing at first!) and i began to speak in a tongue and was praying and then very shortly

after that, we closed out of prayer and i had tears streaming down my face and i

practically tackled cara in a hug because she knew what it meant to me, and that i

had longed for this for a long time now. i was grinning and could not stop.

i hugged ian again as well and then we went back to where our stuff was and i just

FLOATED.

everything that was still holding me just VANISHED.

i have not had anxiety since that day.

yes, i've had hard moments and tough days, but

i have a JOY that i cannot explain, and a HOPE

that i cannot let go of.

everything has changed.

----

shortly after leaving the building, cara and i agreed we were starving and needed

food so we went to Ron's and just talked and still i was grinning and finally i looked

Cara in the eye and said "i'm moving here" and she smiled back and replied "i know."

----

fast forward a couple days to when i came home from that weekend and i was at work

talking to the assistant manager at my one job and told her that i was going to move

and that i'd love to transfer with the company and when our store manager was in the

next day i'd ask her to email for me, but she was like "oh i'll email for you, it's fine" and

within the hour the store manager from the store in Gurnee Mills called us saying he

had a spot open and was i serious. a mere 2 hours later and it was confirmed that i had

the job.

i was speechless at watching God move.

my current situation is waiting on a place to live, i have about 2 weeks.

am i nervous? yeah a bit, but i also totally trust that God knows what He is

doing and He will put me where He wants me. i have peace in that.

hopefully this gives you all a somewhat decent picture of what has happened to me in the last month. this week is my very last week working in the Dells and then i have one week to get moved and then i start working down in the Kenosha area.

He is faithful.

SO faithful.

note:

to anyone and EVERYONE who has taken time to talk to me, pray for me, do anything even remotely KIND, i would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, especially those of you who didn't give up on me, when i gave up on myself. just a few that i have named are Cara, Heidi, Kevin, Mary and Jen but i know there are TONS more of you out there and i am forever grateful for you all ♥

this new season of my life is going to be intense and a huge challenge for me,

but i have counted the cost of following Him. and i have found it to be worth it all ♥

‎"where the desert is covered in roses,

where i can outshine the stars in a single day,

the face of God isn't hidden,

when i wake into eternity,

where the shadows are never discovered,

tears are nothing more than a memory,

death isn't alive any longer,

when i wake into eternity."

[[Ecclesiastes 3:11.]]

♥

Luke 3:4-6...PREPARE.

Luke 3:4-6 Isaiah had spoken of John when he said, "He is a voice shouting in the wilderness, 'Prepare the way for the LORD'S coming! Clear the road for him! The valleys will be filled, and the mountains and hills made level. The curves will be straightened, and the rough places made smooth. And then all people will see the salvation sent from God.'"

I love this verse. It talks about mountains, valleys, curves and rough places. I just imagine a road construction crew building a road through the mountain. They have to use dynamite to blow up big hills... or dig tunnels under the mountain. They have to move huge amounts of dirt to fill up the valleys and straighten out curves. They have to bring in the heavy equipment to smooth out the road so people can drive on it. That is the picture that John used to tell us to "Prepare the way of the LORD. Clear the road for him!"

Mountains = Addictions, and bad habits. Things that seem insurmountable. But mountains could also be our achievements, and our possessions. We have to get these things out of God's way. Clear the road for him. Blow up the mountains...... better yet, speak to the mountain "Move!"

Valleys = Times of depression and loss. When are depressed, we can sometimes believe the lie that we are alone. God does not want us to be alone. He wants to be with us. Don't believe the lie that says, "You are alone." Believe the truth that says, "You are loved! You are wanted! You have purpose!" Clear the road for him. Fill in the valleys.

Curves = Unexpected events that just show up out of nowhere to try to distract us, make us angry, get us off track. We must ready to straighten out these curves. Clear the road for him!

Rough Places = Areas in our life where that we keep secret. Hidden bitterness, anger, lust, jealousy, pride, not being content....... a horrible attitude towards life and serving God. These rough places must be smoothed out. We need God to bring in the heavy equipment and crush our pride and bitterness. Smooth out the rough places. Clear the road for him!

Let's make a clear path for God to work in our life. Crush the mountains, fill in the valleys, straighten the curves, and smooth out the rough places. Amen!

the following are Kevin Young's thoughts on the above section that we are reading together in Luke on the Disciple boards. i really felt what he posted was significant and very well written so i shared it here. if you'd like to read along with us, go to disciplerocks.com --> boards ---> the word ---> then find whichever topic you'd like to post in :)

sin.

we just talked about this in church this morning.

the sermon was on how as Christians, half of the good news of the Gospel is that

we are freed from ever having to sin again!! and listening this morning reminded me

SO MUCH of what john bevere had said in 'extraordinary' so i was definitely into it

and taking notes and really paying attention.

and...

my day just was GREAT. i mean, i'm physically tired but that's to be expected

when you work crazy shifts in retail for 4 days straight (i know, i know not a LOT

of hours, but BUSY CRAZY hours, VERY high volume and high traffic days this weekend)

so yeah it was an overall good day... and i was doing well i believed.

and then when i got home, just like i'd been waiting for and just like i'd been

warned by sooo many people, i just got SLAMMED by the enemy. it was

RELENTLESS. and i know, i know that i am still learning to fight and that

failing this time didn't bring about death and destruction... or did it?!?

pastor made it VERY clear this morning, just SO concisely that sin has severe

consequences and even ONE sin can completely alter the path God has for us.

and how i feel right now?

well okay, for you harry potter fans, this will help explain (for those who are not,

you'll just have to bear with me here as i attempt to use an analogy) well anyway,

in harry potter, voldemort has horcruxes and professor slughorn explains to harry

(er,, i think it's slughorn) that killing rips the soul apart and that's how you can create

a horcrux. well, that is how i feel right now, like i have had the sharpest knife jabbed

into my soul where it seemed perfect with God before has now been disturbed and changed.

oh and believe me, i am on my knees before Him already... getting filled with the Spirit

just CHANGED me and i am grateful for that, and grateful that i know that there is so

much more than just being okay. this rotten guilt will be lifted soon, and i have wronged

Him, and i know it. also though, i know His love for me never ever changes. for that i am

also thankful♥

i think my point in this post is a) it's my blog and i like to write about good and the bad, and

b) to remind everyone that even though i've been doing well, yeah, i do still mess up, and i

definitely don't have a 'holier than thou' viewpoint on my life. i just have grace, by the

incredible and undeserved blessing of God. and that is how i shall get through.

our God is greater,

our God is stronger,

God, You are higher than any other,

our God is healer, awesome in power,

our God, our God...

and if our God is for us,

than who could ever stop us?

and if our God is with us,

then what could stand against?

2/24/11

"Watch Me as I work.

Have faith.

Trust me.

My hands are mighty, and you are safe within their grasp.

I move in power and violence.

This is ALL for your good.

Everything I do is in love."

"in brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility,

reminding me of nail-scarred hands, reaching out to me"

-mercyme 'undone'

psalm 73.

1 Truly God is good to Israel,
to those whose hearts are pure.
2 But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.
3 For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.
4 They seem to live such painless lives;
their bodies are so healthy and strong.
5 They don’t have troubles like other people;
they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.
6 They wear pride like a jeweled necklace
and clothe themselves with cruelty.
7 These fat cats have everything
their hearts could ever wish for!
8 They scoff and speak only evil;
in their pride they seek to crush others.
9 They boast against the very heavens,
and their words strut throughout the earth.
10 And so the people are dismayed and confused,
drinking in all their words.
11 “What does God know?” they ask.
“Does the Most High even know what’s happening?”
12 Look at these wicked people—
enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.
13 Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
14 I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.

15 If I had really spoken this way to others,
I would have been a traitor to your people.
16 So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper.
But what a difficult task it is!
17 Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
18 Truly, you put them on a slippery path
and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.
19 In an instant they are destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors.
20 When you arise, O Lord,
you will laugh at their silly ideas
as a person laughs at dreams in the morning.

21 Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
22 I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
23 Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.

27 Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.
28 But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.
-new living translation

so i was just reading this passage and totally STRUCK by so many things in this.
for example, the world makes sinful things appeal to us so much and we know that they aren't actually any good, even though our hearts chase after those things. we see people of the world (non-believers) who live lives full of sin and it just SEEMS like they are SO MUCH better off than us, their lives appear glamorous and we start to believe that they have everything that we should want.

it's funny bc i had started to feel this way, and then chased after things
of the world, ended up empty, miserable and very very lonely, pushing people
away, oh how much i can relate to "22 I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you." because that is exactly what happens and exactly how i feel once God shows me that the things i chased after and believed in, really are only an illusion of contentment and happiness. and His forgiveness is so evident like verse 23 says, "Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand"

yup God is amazing

i just thought i'd share this and maybe someone else could get revelation out of it too!

so... my life just changed forever.

so for anyone who doesn't know, i'm in kenosha for the weekend and have been hanging out with my friends Cara & Heidi and God has been changing me and preparing me for awhile now, and i had no idea why, what was going on and then this morning at the meeting, it was announced that tonight's Vision & Commitment class (learning foundations and such, i can explain more if anyone wants to know) was on being baptized in the Holy Spirit and when i heard that i was intrigued, i mean it's something i've wanted for a long time now and i knew God wanted it for me and it's something i've never learned much about, just bits and pieces from what i've learned from like Cara when she did the school of worship and things like that, nothing very substantial though and so when Heidi turned to me and said "Liz you need to go to that" i didn't honestly take it very seriously at first but the more i tried to shrug it off, the more it nagged at me and then when i met up with Cara later, she said the same thing so i'm like okay well i'll go, and it's intriguing to me, i want to know more and so it'll be good. and it TOTALLY was!!!!!!! ian gave the teaching on it basically and told his own testimony about being filled with the Holy Spirit as well and i was really able to connect with what he had to say in a way that was VERY real to me, and while he was teaching i just started to KNOW and hear God speak to me that tonight was the night, that this was going to happen, but it all depended on me. i could embrace it and trust Him, step out in faith and have what i desired or i could turn away and run from it, and let me tell you the enemy was ALL over that. he was trying to push fear and anxiety into my mind and IMMEDIATELY when i started feeling anxious and afraid i just KNEW what was happening and because i could see what the enemy was doing to attack me, i knew how to fight it, and i began praying and just asking God to shield me and give me the strength to trust Him in this. it was a SERIOUSLY relentless attack the whole time during the teaching and i just kept fighting whenever it got bad enough to distract me. then, once ian had finished going through the outline and information, he simply stated that they were going to hang around for a bit up front and lay hands on people and pray for them and i was hit HARD by a fear attack but i just spoke "NO! i TRUST Jesus" in my head and in my heart and it dissipated. then everyone was suddenly chatty and Cara casually turned to look at me and said "So. You going up there?" and i replied "you already know the answer to that" and i went to get up, which was physically hard but God just spoke to me, "if you are obedient, I will be faithful to meet you in this." and He DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ian started praying for me and Cara did as well, they both laid hands on me and then ian led me to speak out and just TELL God how much i desired this and i just spoke my heart to Him and He heard me and met me there and i could just tangibly feel and just KNEW the manifestation of Him in that place and ian instructed me to just breathe DEEPLY and feel myself being FILLED and i wasn't really breathing good breaths, it was shallow and emotional and once i started breathing deep it was so INCREDIBLE and my lips were moving but i didn't notice, i was focused on breathing and my eyes were closed and ian noticed and stated it, "i noticed your lips moving, just SPEAK it out" and i DID and began speaking in tongues and just talking to God and it was a moment of HUGE rejoicing for me. it was like a floodgate broke loose and it was just me and it was God and He just LOVES me and He WANTED this for me but it required FAITH from me to TRUST and BELIEVE in Him and His strength, relying on His strength and not my own. and then we finished praying and i had tears streaming from my eyes and i just opened my eyes and it was blurry because i'd been responding to God with joyful tears and i looked at Cara and she was grinning and i was too and i just like bear hugged her and sobbed into her shoulder. i didn't know what else to do, it was just RIGHT. and then i hugged ian and just kept GRINNING for the rest of the night and i'm still just overwhelmed.

the crazy part is, this was just PART of this weekend, PART of what has changed in me this month, only ONE thing and God is just SO INCREDIBLE that He is doing SO MUCH in me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because He LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES!!! and then to see both of my friends rejoicing with me in this, i am just so amazed, overwhelmed, and totally CRAZY about Jesus right now!!!!!!! and i feel so CHANGED and DIFFERENT. this is like being saved times like 5 thousand. it is so. much. MORE!

i love Him. ♥

time for surrender,

spread out your open hands,

and He will raise you up,

repairing all that's broken,

and watch the healing come.

spread out your open hands,

admit you've held them shut,

be swept away by this.

-flyleaf

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the end.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

currently?

aside from my family & sisters?

these two ladies ♥

31 days in pictures... i am totally stealing this from you kelly!! :)

31 days of pictures

my friend kelly started doing this on her blog & i decided it would be kind of fun to do too :)

i tried one like this on fb and it didn't go well, but on my blog i think i might finish it :)

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts

1. Disciple is my favourite band ever. no contest.

2. i don't like the color pink...but it looks good on me.

3. my hair hasn't been it's normal color for nearly 5 years now :P

4. this is the longest my hair has been in 2 years.

5. my eyes are blue. and i love my eyes. they're like the only part of me i LOVE.

6. i really could use a nap right now. or sleep. but i am an insomniac :)

7. in 2 days i get to see my amazing kenosha friends!!

8. i have to get an oil change on thursday =/

9. this is my fave pic of me and heidi EVER. it makes me happy.

10. you are more than the sum of your past mistakes. you've been remade (lyric)

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your night

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture and a letter

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 31 - A picture of yourself

i don't blog anymore

i just realized that i don't really blog anymore.

and i wondered why that was and i remembered that

i'm working on closing my thoughts off from people.

i'm getting tired of being judged by the people i consider

friends, just because i'm not living up to their standards

and because we have that "friend" status, they feel like it's

okay to say things that normally one would never say to someone

else. not only am i tired of being judged, i'm tired of everyone

trying to FIX me. i wasn't asking to be fixed, i wasn't expecting

to be fixed. i just wanted a FRIEND. someone who will say

"i'm not going to try to change you, but i will be here if you need me"

i can't even COUNT the number of times i've listened to other

people's problems and stories and situations and never ever judged,

never said a negative word, maybe offered up ideas of encouraging

thoughts when asked or warranted but i've never ever tried changing

anyone. i only really have ever known one person (in real life, no offense

meant to my online friends) who has just sat there with me, not even

needing to make conversation, but also not judging what i say when i DO

talk. no. after high school when i was struggling, even though this person

hated me, they still sat with me one day through a movie and gave me

company. someone to feel safe with. this person is still willing to listen

even when they don't know what to say, who is, despite what they think,

a good friend. but i shouldn't be asking for that from anyone anymore.

it's an expectation i shouldn't ask of people, their lives are too busy. whatever.

but then who am i kidding? i'm a horrible friend. so how can i even tell

what makes a good friend?

anyway. the point of this blog is to say that if you're following along and

reading, that you shouldn't be surprised if i don't post anything of

substance for a good long while.

the conclusion of this jumbled mess?

i should not blog at 5 a.m.

even if i AM wide awake.

“you’re not…invisible”

the story behind this pic was the most unexpected moment of

the whole night.

“you’re not…invisible”

so my little sister took this picture

and she had no idea of the story behind this moment.

i’m amazed she captured it.

photo taken at the Rock and Worship Road Show in Madison, Wisconsin on 2/6/11

this is my identity.

today has been a quest for identity.

i woke up, worked, came home and napped and the day feels so split up, it's crazy.

anyway.

out of curiosity, i google searched the meaning of my name moments ago and

was just AMAZED by the meanings.

let me share.

Elizabeth: "God's promise (oath)" "Oath of God" and my favorite "I am God's daughter"

WOW!!

anyone who knows me, knows i struggle with those exact things.

He is so amazing. i am astounded by how well He knows me. knows my heart.

so much more than i.

overflowing ♥

the further the clock strikes past twelve, the more me i become.

"i feel like i need to come to Kenosha"

"then do it!!"

these words have been spoken to me twice in the last week by two people who did not know the other had talked to me. let me explain a little further.

i feel change coming.

and i am afraid.

i know there is a time of growing and changing coming up, it's in the distance, yet i can make out the blurry outlines of some of it. within me, i can feel excitement brewing, my heart is leaping at the opportunity, but's it's also very guarded. i have been hurt and it's not quick to let me forget that pain... but i know that i must choose to move past these fears, move past the familiar, far beyond comfort, to something completely new.

what do i know? what do i see?

i see moving. to a new town, a new place.

i know i am going to be stretched and grown.

i know that i am going to have expectations of me that i cannot fulfill.

i see myself trying to please people and failing.

because i know i must learn to fail.

i must learn to not look for the approval of man.

i must only seek the approval of the Lord.

i've forgotten that.

....

this post is really scattered. it's very reflective of my current mind though.

i was just listening to 'desert song' by hillsong united and was totally wrapped

up in that for some time. i was definitely captured by the line

"all of my life, in EVERY season, You are still God,

i have a reason to sing, i have a reason to worship"

why is it so hard for me to remember that? to believe it??

it's nearly 3 in the morning and i am trying to wrap my head around all of the situations

in my life, every different season i have been in and how God has ALWAYS been

there SO FAITHFULLY. He loves me SO MUCH. just loving.

and He hasn't ever once given up on me. it makes my heart so faint

to even think of, to comprehend just a mere fraction of the love He has!

through the season of school, through the low time afterwards, trapped in depression, then to the year i was in college and so uncomfortable with everything, so very alone...and then to finding new friends, to that moment in lifest where i was alone but given a promise, and then when He led me to my job and then to my second job and the visits to kenosha and ALL OF THESE THINGS HE HAS BEEN THERE. i'm just very overwhelmed with love right now. and yes, writing about it. it's been far too long where i've not spoken of these heart matters with hardly anyone and i've hidden them, pushed them aside, ignored them even. i know now that doing so will never amount to anything good.

dear friends who have been standing with me, even those who have distanced themselves, but have continued to pray and to encourage. especially to the ones who have continued fighting for and with me, most noted in my mind, with the times that i have been too weak to do so myself. if you read this, you ought to know who you are, you also very much need to be aware that i appreciate your friendships more than you probably know ♥ c,h,m,j,m and a. thank you.

i'm getting very much fuzzy headed right now since it is 3 a.m. so i believe this is a solid post now. thank you all for reading and i'm sure i will posting more in the next few days because i have much more to say especially on the topics of trust and faith and friendship, alas the words are all mooshing together =)