explosion.

"all i want is You and all i need is found only in Your heart"

this little catchy worship hook has been sung fairly often lately in the prayer room.
(ihop.org) and it's been stuck in my head.

it's forcing me to focus on what i ought to be focusing on.

it's so hard for me.

i want to be out there.

DOING.

making a difference.

i honestly feel so useless.
it probably wouldn't be so bad except i think i have cabin fever

in the way that i want to get out of town, do something adventurous.

truthfully, it's been since November and my life needs more excitement.

i keep longing for and wishing for a way out of the drab of normal living.

i've never liked routine. waking up, going to work, doing chores, church on sunday,

homegroup on wednesday..like... it just doesn't ever feel good to me. i'm not content

with the same thing for weeks on end. i CRAVE unpredictability and change and more.

i've been wrestling with the question lately of "what if God means for my life to be

simple like this?" and the only answer i've come up with is one of not understanding.

why would i be longing for something else then?

i swear. i need something unpredictable to blow me away. preferably soon.

barely getting by.

since no one even reads this blog anymore i've basically chosen to continue using it for more personal thoughts. everyone thinks i'm so great and good on the outside but i've been dying on the inside for awhile. i think it started when God wasn't speaking to me anymore. i didn't know what to do. i had been doing everything right, everything He asked... i'm going to homegroup and church and attending V&C on monday nights. i babysit for the Cowens whenever i possibly can and i try to help out around the house... i was praying every single day and just being WITH Him for hours on end... i'd never been happier, never been more full of life in the Spirit.

and then one day i woke up really cold.

and i tried praying in tongues like usual.

but nothing.

and i tried talking about it to a few people, to no avail.

it wasn't helpful what they said and the only thing i knew was

that something had grabbed me and yanked me under.

i was desperate to laugh.

desperate to smile again.

i wanted to hang out with people.

to get invited.

to be part of a group.

to have friends.

but... it's been weeks now.

thursday night i'm supposed to go to Serita's show with Cara

and i definitely will if it works out...i just don't know how i will handle it.

i've been crying everyday again.

it might be a situation or a stupid song that sets me off.

and i have a nasty cold too.

my nose is SO SORE.

i missed church today because i felt so cruddy.

i hate missing church.

oh yeah. my car got hit by someone too.

huge dent in the driver's door.

hello something else i don't need.

i have to work floorset this week.

10-4:30 and then a 6am to 2:30pm.

i have wednesday and thursday off.

work the weekend.

then it's sunday again.

i don't really have any friends here in Kenosha anymore.

at least not any that ever have time for me.

my heart is so very alone and lonely.

people have told me it gets better than this but i don't believe it.

my birthday is in April and i don't plan on telling anyone at all.

i just want to disappear.

the light meets the dark...years later.

relentless.

He is so relentless.

after a week and a half of very hard days and nights, i believe He is changing me to see something new.

You make all things new.

i think that if we didn't resist Him, there would be so many things we wouldn't learn.
don't misunderstand me... i wish my heart could be completely His 24/7, every second of everyday.

but i know that i fail.

and i do hate that i fail Him.

it does cause me deep sorrow.

but in brokenness, there is restoration.

in emptiness, there is a filling.

where there is death, there is also new life.

even Paul says that the darkness only shows the beauty and brightness of God's perfect Light.

in the infamous words of Jon Foreman,

"the shadow proves the sunshine"

i hate the week before joint meetings (journal blog)

i always dread the weeks prior to joint meetings.

(preface: for anyone who reads my blog & doesn't know, i belong to a church body that has several congregations and once every few months, all of the congregations get together on a Sunday morning and have our church meetings together. we typically gather in a school auditorium though, we've also been known to meet other places. we call these joint meetings.)

the week before joint meetings, the enemy ALWAYS (it NEVER fails) attacks me. hardcore. emotionally, spiritually, physically...whatever he can get his grubby hands on... that's where the attack is.

well this week has been one of those weeks.
i went home last weekend to visit my family & my brother was home visiting from Utah so it was a great time, better than most times when i visit my parents anyway. minor things irritated me and i did get into a pretty serious fight with my dad, but we made up and moved on right? so...why do i say it's been such an annoying week?

just little things i suppose.

everyday i seem to wake up ridiculously irritable.
cranky as all get out.
physically, i'm just exhausted.
emotionally, i feel so empty and i don't want to be around people at all.
i've been really off kilter at work and the things that usually come easy to me feel like i'm swimming upstream.

a friend of mine asked me to do this art project for him.
normally? not a problem at all right?

not this week.

the only thing i can accurately feel is irritation and frustration this week.

i don't even know why.

i just know that i hate the week before joint meetings.

whatever you're up to God, i hope it smashes the enemy's face into the dirt.
i'm really sick of him right now.

glory to the King who is in control!!

40 days of....water?

40 DAYS OF WATER.

SERIOUSLY MIKE DONEHEY?

hmm but is it really that bad?

no.
i do not believe it is.

i've been thinking about this ALL day since i first learned what it was....
it's kind of a Lent thing but not exactly i mean i'm not catholic and don't celebrate Lent
but i was thinking that maybe i should do something this year. i'd been thinking that all day

right? sooo no soda. no milk. no coffee. no tea. 40 days. only water.

maybe just the month of march. that could be fun. no soda? crazy but fun i think.

i love how this blog has become a place i can journal.

i feel like crap tonight. all i want is to talk to Mary and laugh a little bit but instead
i'm going to sleep at 11:25pm. **sigh** someday i will have friends and laughter again.

can it be summer yet?

what He saw.

“What was” A man Righteous in the sight of God, condemned by the men He was destined to save. Crucified by the ones He loved beaten by the ones He held. Cursed by the ones He forgave. “What I saw” It was my pride that pressed the crown of thorns into His brow. My transgression held the hammer that pounded in the nails, my anger that held the whip tightly between my fingers. “What was” It was my sin that He bled for, my sin that He carried the cross to the hill on Calvary, my sin. “What He did” He uttered not one curse, He breathed not one breath of anger. For my every grin and sneer was a tear He cried. His lips last utterance was forgiveness and love. And there I stood before the cross cursing Him with all my sin. But that’s not “what He saw” He saw a man before a cross, on his knees with his face to the ground. He saw not a hammer in my hand but the living word of God, He saw not the whip between my fingers but the laying on of hands for the sick, He saw not pride pressing in the crown of thorns but humility pressing for the crown of His sufferings, He saw not a man cursing in sin, but a man praising in righteousness made whole and standing before and empty cross for the Savior had risen! What we saw and what was are stark differences. He saw what was, because He saw what the Father saw. He lived in faith, not believed in it, but lived in it. He saw the evidence of things unseen. We could not see, for we did not have faith, not even of a mustard seed. He saw it and His tears were also the rejoicing of His sufferings and the reward of His promises! Why do you think He said, when I come back… Will I find faith? Will He?

"I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?"