Criticism: because everybody's gotta vent sometime.

This is the first time I've ever written about this here so I'm hesitant.


Pretty much though, I'm sick of my dad's criticism and control.

My older sister asked me to watch her 2 kids for her tomorrow and I
am more than happy to do that.

Somehow, he thinks I can't. Whatever reasoning in his head he has, I am
not allowed to. Apparently Friday counts as the weekend & he said they're
not allowed to be here "this weekend". They'd be gone before he ever
woke up.

I'm just really angry & frustrated right now.
I know I'm supposed to be here, home, though I don't know why specifically
but right now those feelings of flight are returning. I want to get in my car
and drive away and never look back at them, my parents. I want to leave
and forget them, leave the pain and hurt behind. I'm never good enough for
them so why do I even try??

I want to be able to walk out of my bedroom and hang out with my sisters
while I can, I know we won't be together forever and I just want to be able
to do that but crossing the living room that's between my room and theirs
is usually impossible. I hold my breath when I do it, always waiting for my
dad to inevitably say something, anything.


So basically I just wanted to help my sister out and now my dad is on a
rampage against me today. Lovely. She has no one else who can watch
her kids tomorrow while she works, I have NO idea where she's gonna
turn...I want to help her cuz my heart goes out to her being a single mom
and all that, at least she's TRYING to provide and love her family the best
she can. I just wanted to help.

Beauty From Pain

I cling to Your promise, there will be a dawn.

After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again, and there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain.

-beauty from pain, superchic[k]


I actually started this blog the other night and was hit with painful memories after reading the
lyrics to one of Skillet's new songs, "Believe" off their new album "Awake" (which drops August 25th...BUY IT!!) and ended up not getting very far in what I was going to say.

I was hanging out with my friend Liz the other day and she was putting songs on her mp3 player from my computer (she doesn't have a computer so I let her put her music on it via my computer) and she was going through and she asked me if she'd like the song "Beauty from Pain" by Superchic[k] and I told her to listen to it & find out, so she hit the play button and the song began.

Now I haven't heard that song for quite awhile, it used to be my cry song. The song that I used when I was feeling at my lowest of lows to remind me that "after all this has passed I still will remain/after I've cried my last there'll be beauty from pain." Even though I had lost every friend that I had ever counted as trustworthy and close, someday there would be beauty and purpose for my pain.

So now I'm sitting here and I'm looking back on that song and those days and nights filled with tears and aching and pain and I am realizing where the beauty comes from. The beauty comes from God separating you from everything, just for Him. I had to lose friends and go through some really hard things to understand how much God wants to have me love Him. It's really tough to go through something like that and not be able to see God at the time, but it is 100% worth staying true to Him. I can say that because, at the time, I didn't. I was ready to give up on life and everything I've loved and known just for peace from it all. But now, now I can say that I know better.

I've always heard people talk about it not feeling like God is there, even though He is, but I'd never experienced that firsthand. Now I have and I can also say, trust Him in what He is doing.

This blog might be one giant jumble of me rambling cuz I'm so tired but I hope it makes sense because it's a very elemental part of being a Christian.

Hold on now cuz things will get better.
It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

A Little Bit About Me For A Change.

Hey all of you lovely readers :)
This is just a post to update friends on my life...since it's
been awhile since I actually wrote about me and what's going
on with me and life and such.

Where to start? Hmm...I guess I would have to start with
the fact that as of now, I am not moving anywhere! That's
pretty huge as it is, but I feel as though God wants me here
and so I'm staying :)

Also, next fall, I will not be going to school...for the first time
since I first started school, it will be fall and I will not be in a
classroom, it's very weird for me to think of and it's also hard
because of the next item on my list: I'm not going to be a teacher
anymore. This is hard because I've had my mind set on being
a teacher since I was in the sixth grade, maybe even earlier who
knows? Any way around it, God spoke clearly to me and teaching
is not in the cards...at least not the way I had planned for so long.

So what am I going to do instead?

Something music related. Right now, I'm just doing what I can to
learn as many different skills as I can, because I'm not sure where
the doors will open, and I want to be prepared. I'm going to dig my
flute out and start playing again :) First time in over a year...it's been
too long...I fear I will be terrible and have forgotten everything =/
Guess I'll find out tomorrow!!

In addition to all of this, I ended up talking to Ben (the student/worship)
pastor at our church and I'm going to be getting involved with the
worship team! Honestly, I think this is what I am most excited about at
this point in time...doing something that I love for the God I love with
people I love =)

So far that's it! It's going to be amazing and I can't wait to see what God
is going to do with and through me!!! I am so excited.

Another Skillet Dream?? What does THIS one mean???

Hmm funny...I had another Skillet dream last night too...but it was really weird & didn't make a whole ton of
sense...like, the members of Skillet and I were on the run from the government...we were being tracked cuz
we were spreading the gospel and Scotty had turned on the band and was leading the search to find us lol.
They kept trying to track Ben through his iphone cuz they said he couldn't go very long without it *laughs*
which may or may not be true in real life... :P

and we were all muddy from running through this swamp to try & get them to lose our trail and ended up at
this cabin in the woods which was John's dad's brother's "up north" cabin (according to my dream LOL) and
Korey was hiding there with Alex & Xav (cuz it was me and Ben and Jen and John and Chu who were on the
run, we had gone to try and get food supplies & stuff or something like that) and we got back & Alex & Xav
came out & yelled "Daddy!!" and hugged John and it was an "aww" moment for everyone then since it was dark
the kids went inside to go to bed and so did Jen & Ben and I volunteered to sit up & be on watch that night so
John could spend time with Korey and so I was sitting outside and gazing at the stars and doing some writing
and drawing in my journal. I remember very distinctly that I was doodling with lyrics from the last night & whispers
(cuz I was inspired by the stars outside) and as I'm drawing, I started praying/talking to God out loud and saying
stuff about how thankful I was to be serving Him even though it had me hiding away from those I loved and then
I started thanking God for the amazing people I was helping out because they were the reason I was a Christian and
as I was just starting to get really emotional while praying, I heard a twig snap behind me and I jumped up, getting
ready to freak out & the next thing I know John has his hand over my mouth and he's going "shh! it's just me, it's okay"
and I calmed down and he let go and he goes "I couldn't sleep while you were out here all by yourself, it just doesn't
seem right, with you being so young and a female and all...I feel like I should be the one protecting everyone" and I
kind of laughed and said that it was okay, don't worry about it, you have a family and I don't so I don't mind. And then
we sat down and I mentioned how I was just gazing at the stars and talking to God and that I was alright so he really
could go back to bed if he wanted to and he said "Yeah, I wasn't exactly eavesdropping, but I overheard you thanking
God for us being in your life and I really felt like I had to say something about that...*he paused* why do we mean so
much to you anyway?" And I smiled and got to tell him the story of how they saved my life and he goes, "Wow, for real?"
and I replied "Yep, God is amazing isn't He?" and John whispered "I guess so...wow..." and we ended up chatting for a few
hours and then I finally got John to stop being stubborn & go back to bed and I settled back down to finish watch for that
night.

Somehow I dozed off for a few minutes and next thing I knew it was getting to be light and everyone was moving around
inside the cabin, making breakfast & getting ready for the day. Ben came out & said "Alright, your turn to get some sleep
now, get going!" and I smiled and said thanks and as I was getting up, Korey came out and said that we were going to have
a group meeting first & I nodded and went inside & while the kids ran around outside, we sat around in a circle and decided
that since our last supply trip failed we were going to have to go back within 24 hours and try again. Everyone was against
me going since I'd not slept but I said "give me an hour to sleep and I'll be good again" so they did and I napped and then we
took off, John, Ben, Korey and I,, Jen had volunteered to stay with the kids.

While in town, we got plenty of supplies and were heading out of city limits when we heard the warning sirens going off, we'd
been seen. Naturally, we took off running and ducked into the nearest pile of brush & weeds. Well, next thing we knew,
a group of people were sent out of the town to look for us and they had flashlights and such, well we knew we couldn't wait
there so we snuck deeper into the woods trying to escape. One lone person wandered to where we were and I was following
behind, the last one in the group, Ben leading the way back, and when we heard them, we all froze and barely breathed.
My heart was pounding and before we knew it, the guy was calling back-up...he'd found a footprint.

I knew the only chance for us to survive would be a diversion so, when the guy searching for us, ran back out to the road,
I handed my bag of supplies to John and whispered, "You guys saved me, now let me do the same for you." As soon as it
registered in his mind what I was about to do he fiercely whispered back, "No way! You are part of our family now!" And I
responded, "I've served my purpose here, you guys keep doing what you do and give Alex & Xav hugs for me and tell them
I love them!" As I was about to take off running for the search party, Korey grabbed me in a hug and said, "This means more
to us & the kids than you will ever know" and we all had tears & one last hug before I took off.

Naturally, I was found & captured but the band never was. I was tortured & killed for information of their whereabouts
but I never cracked. Somehow, it really was a good dream =) I still wish I knew what these dreams meant...grr my mind!!

Lifest Blog: Day 5

Day 5: Endings and Beginnings--Going Home Changed


Day 5 I awoke to hearing worship with BlueTree (God of This City) and then I got dressed and packed most of my stuff up and then went to see Jeremy Camp for morning worship.

The speaker that morning presented several ideas that threw me back into that deep thought mode of the night before and I ended up leaving Jeremy Camp early so I could head home early.

While driving home, I realized something had changed within me, something was not the same.

For years the forgiveness I had struggled to accept finally became real to me and I accepted it and began to live in it.

I was changed so subtly and in such a way that until it was complete, I did not have a clue it was happening, God was so sneaky but so wonderful at the same time ♥ .

I rocked LIFEST 2009.
And it rocked me.

Artists/Speakers etc that I saw:

Matthew West
Kutless
Red
Group 1 Crew
Tobymac
Barlowgirl
Stellar Kart
Third Day
David Crowder*band
Salvador
Decemberadio
Peder Eide (our mc)
Jeremy Camp
1000 White Flags (quite unknown)
Holly Starr
Blue Tree

and of course:

SKILLET!!!!!!

Lifest Blog: Days 2, 3 and 4

Day 2: Community

Day 2 I met up with some really amazing people...it was a day of connections.

While checking out the booths in the marketplace, I ran across a TWLOHA booth. My wallet was instantly out because I support that cause immensely. If you don't know what it is, www.twloha.com find out it is amazing.

As I finished purchasing my merch, I moved on to look for other things and I ran into the NorthWestern College booth--and a friend from 2 years ago!! She remembered me and we chatted for awhile and then I was off to catch Decemberadio peform.

While at Decemberadio, I ran into Chris Smalley, good friend and drummer for my favorite local band, Isaiah 42:10. He got me in contact with some other Isaiah friends and we all hung out until Barlowgirl. Our group consisted of me, Abbie (paramedic NOT nurse lol), Cindi (a 16 year old trapped in a 45 year old's body), Aaron (the new Peter Furler), his 2 little daughters, Ben (jailbird) and some of the time, Chris and his son.

Through their love and acceptance while at Lifest, God showed me just what I had been missing by continually locking myself in my room without contact to the outside world. I was afraid to trust and it had cost me. I was lonely and not really trusting anyone anymore. So many important friendships had been destroyed, letting new people in to my life seemed so impossible.

...But with God, ANYTHING is possible and without even trying, I let these people into my life and began hanging out with them each day. Our group was fun, and inseperable and the definition of community.

Never will I forget rapping to Tobymac's "Jesus Freak" with Ben and finding a friend who knew all the words and could rock just as good as me =)

Day 3: something a little different

The day began with me meeting the others to see Thor Ramsey, a comedian I'd heard of but never seen before. What an amazingly funny guy! I laughed like I had not for 2 years.

After Thor, we were all roasting so we took off for this nearby park with a lake and had the most fun time splashing and building a monster sandcastle together. We collected sea-glass from the lake and the 2 girls thought it was the most amazing treasure. Since the water we was freezing, and we were dying of heat, it was a perfect combination. Finally we showered and then went back for part of David Crowder*band and supper.

After that, we went and waited vigilantly for RED!!!

Front row center baby! Less than 3 feet away from the stage! We totally rocked that concert and then took off for bed while the thunderstorms rolled in. Needless to say, we were completely exhausted! 3 nights of insane moshing and we weren't done yet!!

Day 4: Revelations

Day 4 consisted of Tim Hawkins, an apologetic speaker, Stellar Kart and a VERY moving Third Day headlining show.

God really moved in me during Third Day. The songs "Revelation", "Cry Out to Jesus", and "Call My Name" mostly had me really in tune with God. In the song "Revelation" I really cried out, looking for answers because I knew my life was not going in the right direction. I sang with all my soul, "give me a revelation, show me what to do, cuz I've been trying to find my way, I haven't got a clue. tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move? Give me a revelation, cuz I've got nothing without You." it was the words of my soul in song form.

Once I got home, I had a God-given dream and a God-breathes conversation that were both so encouraging to the choices I need to make. [[to the person I had the conversation with, 1. thank you SO much for talking...God spoke through you to me so clearly I might as well have been smacked on the head with a frying pan and 2. November cannot come quickly enough for me :) ]]

That night I had much deep thought and many questions for God and myself.

The Lifest Blog: Day 1

Lifest. Many concerts. Much music.
Endless memories, all packed into 5 days.

Day 1: Beginning.

This was day one. Opening day of Lifest. The grounds opened to campers at noon and I knew I had to be there early in order to set up my camp and be able to get a good spot for Skillet! I was experienced with Lifest so I knew I would have to wait for long hours in the hot baking sun and I was 100% okay with that. So, after I got all my stuff in my tent, I threw a bottle of water in my bag, grabbed my "Craziest Panhead" sign and took off for the main stage where in about 7 hours, there would be Skillet epicness. Skillet was not scheduled to play until 9:30 p.m. and I got to my front row spot at approximately 2:10 in the afternoon. No one else was there (very few people had even set up lawn chairs yet) so I settled down for a long wait. After a couple of hours, people started showing up around me and I stood up and watched Kutless. Then, this group of girls snuck in next to me and they made friends with me and ended up telling me about the Skillet meet & greet. They were even kind enough to get their friends to save our spots so we could go to the meet & greet and come back to our front row location.

After Kutless was our keynote speaker of the day and then it was time for Skillet. Even though I knew the intro, the energy pouring through me when it began was nothing compared to my first Skillet show...it was SO MUCH more. I had my sign and I was READY to rock out!! In my mind I kept reliving the meet & greet from earlier that day: seeing John's tattoo up close and the way John (and the other band members of course) were genuinely greeting and talking to each person...if they were tired of it you would never have known.

The concert:

"Whispers in the Dark" has always been a very powerful song for me and as a concert opener it was especially perfect ♥
My heart was pumping and racing and though I was pinned against the barrier, I gave my all at that concert. I sang and screamed louder, I jumped higher and I head banged with more intention as the setlist continued.

"The Last Night's" opening caught me by surprise because I hadn't bothered finding out the setlist beforehand. Unlike the last show I went to, I cried during the song. Headbanging+crying=unforgetable. Well, by the time the song got to the bridge, I was just singing along again but when they hit the end, "I won't let you say goodbye and I'll be your reason why...the last night away from me, away from me." I was so emotional I couldn't even sing.

The next song I really remember was "Those Nights" because of the crowd cam. I knew it was coming as soon as I heard the song's intro, so I got my sign ready (no easy task, the crowd was insane) and waited. Before I knew it, John had the camera out and was recording. He started with stage left and steadily worked his way over to where I stood. I proudly held up my sign and was surprised by what happened next: John paused the camera on me (so I was definitely visible) and then we winked at me..from stage!! I was so shocked I didn't know how to react.

The rest of the show passed without incident. The crowd got less moshy and the pyro got better. The "Monster" growl was epic and "Hero" was just as amazing as always.

After the concert ended, I walked back to my tent in a daze, compltely skipping the Disciple show and lay down on my sleeping bag and penned into my journal:

"In that one instant, it no longer mattered about the scars I have or the hurts I've felt...people DO care whether I live or die and I will forever cherish this night." -7/8/09

God was starting to radically change my heart, and I had no clue.

My Story: How Skillet Saved My Life **not for the faint of heart**

Okay...so...my story...this is the LONG version, with more details to help you understand it...I apologize for how long it is and I also apologize if there are horrible grammar errors, I'm afraid if I read through it all again I might not send it, so here it is ♥




In middle school...
I was physically abused for nearly 5 years by a cousin who is the same age as me. I'm naturally short and he is extremely tall, which just made it easier for him to hurt me. I put up with the bruises and the pain for so long...I used to blame him as the reason I began cutting, and maybe that's true but I could have stopped, I just never did.

I went about 3 years without self harming and then my senior year of high school, I fell...HARD.
For starters, band and music.
Since the 6th grade, band has been my only extracurricular activity...and then in high school I did other music extracurriculars like show choir, playing my flute and such but band has always been my thing. Flute, my passion. Well, I was so excited for my senior year of high school because I figured that since I had practiced and worked so hard for SO long, that I finally would get to shine...its no secret that seniors ALWAYS get the solos in our band, the director just does things that way. Well, my year I had to compete with another girl named Meg who always hated me, just because I loved to play flute. She must have been jealous, I don't know why because I never thought I was that amazing but she did EVERYTHING within her power to make band miserable for me. She got every single solo that year by telling our band director that I said I didn't want any...I didn't speak up for myself because I didn't want to seem childish and plus, I was never like that, I was always the suffer in silence type...so, in band I got shoved to the back burner and really lost my passion. Every single class period I would leave fighting back tears because my dreams were crashing around me.

In addition to that, my best friend since elementary school got a horse, and she got involved in riding and showing, western style, and I was cool with that, you know, her own passion. Well, she left me in the dust. Everything was about her horse and riding and I did not matter to her anymore. She forgot my birthday that year and that is when I knew I had completely lost her. I would call her and leave a message and she would never call me back. I'd help her with homework during school and in turn she would leave our group projects for me to finish, she was using me I just couldn't see it. So, we had a falling out...which made me incredibly lonely, she was the one friend who knew me inside and out and now she wanted nothing to do with me. The end of our senior year we got into a fight and she said that if she had to choose between her horse and me she chose her horse because he was worth more in her eyes. That really hurt.

Through this time I was cutting, it just worked...I couldn't cry but I could express my pain by cutting myself. Also during this year's time, my dad, who has seizures, was on a medication that made him angry and violent all the time. I hated being home worse than I hated school, and school was torture but at home I was constantly criticized and whenever there was an available solo that I didn't get my dad put me down saying I didn't want it bad enough or I didn't have the talent. Also, since my dad got fired from his job for blacking out at work one day, he had to go on disability which meant my mom had to go back to work and she ended up working customer service at Gander Mountain--retail, which gave her inconsistant hours--we never knew when she'd be working. So...I became my sister's mom. I cooked meals and cleaned the house and basically ran our house...and dealt with school and friends and by this point I wanted to hear nothing of God. I was hurting so bad and felt love from nobody or nothing. I felt dirty because I had a secret that consumed me and I had no one to trust it with. I was sinking lower and lower into depression.

Then I met Emily. She was in my AP Lit class and played trumpet in band with me. That March of our senior year, we had a music trip to Boston (we have one every 4 years) and her and I sat by each other for most of the trip. Towards the end of the trip we went to the Boston Symphony orchestra and it was at night and we had to dress up for it and I didn't own any long sleeve dress shirts, 3/4 length yes but of course that didn't cover all of my scars...and while chatting on the bus, I stretched out my arm to grab something and through the sheer material she saw my scars. She said nothing until we were back at school, but she said I could trust her. And I was desperate for acceptance and friendship so I did. She was there for me for the rest of that school year, encouraging me and just being a friend. But she wanted me to stop cutting...and at that point it was just a terrible addiction that I couldn't control. She ended up getting very angry at me and stopped talking to me because I refused to seek help for my depression.

Losing her friendship pretty much put me over the edge, it was just a series of little explosions that led to a big and terrifying decision--to end it all.

Now, I'm not proud of this whatsoever because I still cry thinking I almost didn't make it out of that time in my life alive.

But, I planned it all out.

I wrote my letters, figured out my method, created an amateur will for what little stuff I had and then waited for the planned day.

Well, the day I planned to kill myself was beautiful, it seemed so surreal to me. I mean, I was already numb and I was going to die so in my head rain seemed more appropriate...well anyway, I woke up early that morning and I'm not normally a morning person but I awoke wide awake and decided to do somethings for the last time.

Well, around 10:30 in the morning I got a text from a friend saying she missed me and that she wanted to hang out and she asked if she could come over? Of course I said yes, she was the one person who I still counted as a friend and saying goodbye to her was on my list of things to do for the last time. We were never very close but she was always fun to be with. Yeah I had to force happiness around her but it was always easier around her than usual.

So she came over and was messing around with my phone and she goes "did you know there's this website where its free and you sign up and can make your own ringtones and stuff??" and I didn't know anything about it so she goes "well I'm TOTALLY putting some good ones on here! what songs do you want? pick 3" so I did and she added a 4th but I didn't know that til later that day.

Well, we hung out for like 3 hours and took a bunch of funny pictures and such and I thought "at least they will have recent pics to use at my funeral" and I hugged her and told her goodbye with a finality in my voice that I knew she did not hear.

I passed the rest of the time that day journaling. I wanted people to know what was going through my mind and why I was doing what I was doing. I did not blame one person I just wrote about my life and how nothing could ever go right and how the one thing I wanted--love--had evaded me and since it had been for so long there must not be any in the world to be had. I still have those journal pages.

So I wrote and listened to music-- mostly Evanescence and Breaking Benjamin...definitely not helping my mood. And I waited til dusk and changed into the clothes I wanted to wear and then I left my house.

(this is where it gets hard for me to talk about)


About a mile from my house (I live just outside of the city limits of a smallish town) there is a river and a bridge that, at the time, was not well traveled because of road construction. My plan was to cut my wrists and then jump, there would be no hopes of being saved and I figured I'd pass out from loss of blood before I'd feel the pain of drowning. So, I walked to the bridge. It took me about 20 minutes cuz I was walking slow and listening to music and just taking my time.

I got to the bridge and had 3 things on me: my phone, to send a goodbye text telling someone what I was doing, my mp3 player (I didn't have an ipod yet), and my sharpest razor blade.

I sat on that bridge for the longest time contemplating life and death and God and faith while listening to my music. I remember the final song I listened to before I took my headphones off was by Sarah McLachlan, it's called "Fallen". I listened to that song and felt like it was my time. So I shut off my mp3 and set my phone down and picked up my blade.

I climbed to the edge of the bridge and firmly grasped the blade and questioned God, "If it's so important for me to be here then how is this so easy for me? Why don't You care??????!!" and as I prepared to cut...my cell phone went off...with...a Skillet song... *wipes a tear away remembering* "NO! YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE! WHEN DARKNESS COMES I'LL LIGHT THE NIGHT WITH STARS!" ...it was a text from my friend who had been over earlier that day, she sent me "Hey girl, just wanted to let you know how much fun I had today and that I love you!! I hope we get to see each other again soon! Love ya! ♥ "

I crumpled to the ground and cried for the longest time. After I was done crying I stared up at the sky and saw the BRIGHTEST stars... and whispered "Okay, You DO want me here...I will stay" and I went home.

The next day I downloaded all Skillet off iTunes and began learning about the band...and joined the boards and became a Panhead and not too long after that became the Craziest Panhead....Since that day my dream has been to thank the band for what they have meant to me and I cannot wait until that comes true =]


Sorry it was so long...wow I type so much -_-

Skillet Dream...yeah, another one O.o

I was at this benefit thing and it was very small and private and my parents were there and my younger sister Anita was too and so were the members of Skillet: John, Korey, Jen and Ben. Well, at one point in the dream, my mom, sister Anita and I were off by a side room or something like that, basically away from the crowd and main event and I told Anita how excited I was that John was there cuz maybe I would get to chat with him for even 5 minutes and Anita and my mom both started tearing my dream down and making fun of me saying that John would never want to talk to me cuz I wasn't worth it and I started crying and told them to stop, "Okay okay just stop I get it" and they just kept jeering at me and finally Anita loudly goes, "Yeah, why would the lead singer of Skillet want ANYTHING to do with a worthless loser who cuts herself??" and she and my mom were laughing. I couldn't take it anymore so I ran out of there to the outside of the building and around a corner to a secluded spot near these bushes and a rock that would hide me from people and I dropped to the ground and cried and cried and was so overwhelmed by pain that I finally just reached into my bag to pull out a blade when all of a sudden, I heard a voice say, "So you like this quiet spot too!" and I jumped so badly and turned around and there stood John Cooper with a big smile. I was still crying and in my attempt to not look stupid, I hastily tried to wipe my eyes and in doing so, the blade I had almost dug out of my bag fell to the ground, though I did not realize it at the time.

So John comes over to me and he goes, "I hope you're not angry...but I was around the corner and heard what your family said to you and I want you to know that nothing they said was true. You are NOT worthless, you are beautiful and worth everything and (he paused and we sat down on the huge rock that was there) despite the fact that you cut yourself ( a tear rolled down my cheek) I DO want to talk to you. That is exactly why I came right out here when I heard that and saw you run...and it looks like (he pauses and reaches down to pick up the blade I didn't realize dropped), it looks like I was just in time."

His eyes flicker to my arm and though I am trembling with fear, I let him see the many scars.

The tears fall faster and my head sinks lower as I feel more and more shame consume me...but then, John lifts my face and puts his arm around me and hugs me as I cry and he softly sings, "The last night you'll spend alone, I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go." and my voice catches in my throat and sobs take over my body and he just let me cry it out.

When I'm done crying, he goes, "I want to show you something, okay?" ...and I nod. He then unzips his sweatshirt and takes it off (the black and red ribcage one from the comatose part 2 tour) and he holds his left forearm out. The word "forgiven" is tattooed right there in front of me and it's so beautiful I'm speechless. Little do I know that that isn't all...

John goes, "Look right...here..." and he points to a space just before the "F" and I can see very faint pink lines...his own scars.

I gasp and look up into his eyes and he just smiles and says, "Just remember: His blood covers your scars and pain and you are completely forgiven."

Finally I am able to smile and I timidly ask if He has time to hear my story and he smiles back and replies, "You bet! This benefit thing is kind of boring anyway....they don't even have any Dr. Pepper!" and I laugh and I finally get to tell him the story of how if it weren't for Skillet and their music, I would not be here right now. After I finish, he hands me my blade and I go "Hold on just a moment." and I hop up and run to the nearest trash can and throw it out for good. I come back and he's gone, but on the rock where we sat was a little leather bound journal. On the inside were 2 pictures: one of his tattoo with a circle around his scars and the other of us two sitting on the rock smile and laughing and talking. Inside the journal on the cover he inscribed, "the last night" lyrics of,

The last night you'll spend alone, I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go.

and a special message on the first page:

"Liz-- you are worth it. Never forget that!! I hope you never have to feel that way ever again. If you ever need someone and you have no one, here is my cell number, call me and I will be there.

Stay strong,
John Cooper"

I woke up from this dream this morning and have been thinking about it all day... no, none of this ever happened and I doubt that John Cooper ever self harmed but to me, it was a very powerful dream that I will never forget. ♥

Yay I'm Posting Again!!

Hey everybody!! (=

I know, I know I haven't posted in quite awhile!! I'm sorry!! lol I've just been sooo busy!!

Hmm...let's see what's been going on...well, I went to Minnesota & visited my brother & his family for 2 weeks, which was just an amazing great time, I really love them a lot...especially my niece! Haha her name is Allie & she's 3 and I taught her the first verse of the Llama song which I thought was especially funny cuz now anytime someone says "llama" or "duck" she starts to sing it!! LOL. It's even funnier cuz her brother, my nephew, who is 12 (I think, yes? lol) get annoyed by the llama song so it's funny that I taught her to sing it! LOL. While I was staying there, almost every morning she'd wake me up by either singing the llama song or cheerfully shouting "Aunt Elizabeth, it's time to get up!!" haha it was the cutest!! :) While I'm on that subject, I should like to announce that come the end of July, I will be moving to Minnesota :) My brother & sister offered for me to stay with them and then I'd be able to go to school in the city and work there and basically have a lot more opportunity than I do here in the Burg. I'm very excited because I'm not going to be a teacher anymore...after taking a couple of lit classes, I just determined teaching really is not my thing, I don't think I could do it every day for the rest of my life you know? And well, being on student government taught me a lot about myself cuz I had to put myself out there and do things that made me uncomfortable so I'm changing the direction of my life and that is exciting!!

At this point, I'm kind of annoyed with myself for taking so long to decide this because if I would have moved sooner, I'd have been able to get a job sooner...I mean, how much sense does it make to get a job here and then 2 weeks later quit cuz I'm moving? lol. Yeah none at all lol, which a very trusted friend pointed out to me. (haha thanks girl!! you always know how to keep me from doing dumb stuff! lol). BUT I'm taking a year off of school (well a full time year off, I might take a class or two on the side yet) to work and figure things out with people who will offer constructive advice, unlike my parents...anyway moving on!!

While I was at my bro's I got to visit 2 wonderful people whom I met in Disaster Relief last summer, Randy & Elaine!!! The last time I'd seen them was Empower in January so it was incredibly exciting to be able to have lunch with them while I was visiting! Love those ladies!! Hehe. And Randy asked me if I'd talk to the other Liz & we could see about volunteering at the kid's camp at her church in August!! It's a week long thing and by then I'll be moved into my brother's and Liz & Randy & Elaine & I are going to do a fun sleepover, hanging out every single moment we can thing,, which will be just wonderful...haha look out Minnesota, with the 4 of us together, you're going to NEED disaster relief! LOL. But seriously, I am pumped for this because I love working with kids and spending time with my favorite people in the world is a plus!! (=

And...well since I've been home, well, the day I got home, it was the Relay for Life cancer thing and as soon as I got home I had wanted to go see my dad walk the survivor's lap cuz I remember what it was like when we found out he had cancer and now all these years later, its huge that he still gets to walk that lap ya know? Unfortunately, I had gotten motion sick on the drive home & ended up going home and pretty much sleeping from like 5 pm til the next morning, it was awful...ugh motion sickness=horrible!!

But then the next day was awesome cuz Liz came over & we got to hang out!! It was the best cuz we went to an Isaiah 42:10 concert in Wautoma and REPRESENTED! lol we are #1 fans let there be no question!! haha and we all joked about how Jeff (Kelly's dad) REALLY needs a haircut lol and how at one point during the show, he couldn't even see to play cuz his hair was so long and that pretty soon he'd be doing hair commercials!! LOL oh funny stuff!! But yeah, we totally rocked out and had a blast & me & Liz found this AWESOME little footbridge that went over a very tame creek, but it was gorgeous and not many people had been to it we think so that was fun & peaceful...and while we were driving home from the show, the sunset was to DIE for so we had to get out of the car & take pics over the Wisconsin River...it was breath taking!! I love sunsets!! But anywho, we got home & me & Liz got ready for bed (lol it was like 11:30!!) and ended up laying in the dark talking til 1 a.m. and haha we had church the next morning! lol.

So the next morning we had a wicked amazing church service!! That day marked the final payment on our church's mortgage!! It was an awesome celebration Sunday!! I remember when our church stepped out in faith to take out the loan to build a bigger sanctuary onto our church because our membership had grown so much we had had to go to 2 services in order to fit into the old one...and now...we have the HUGE sanctuary and may have to go to 2 services again!! Isn't God amazing?? But anyway, we had celebration & a carnival like thing for the Promiseland (Sunday school) kids who had finished the year awesomely and we had like 15 baptisms I think which is always a joyous occasion and while everyone else was eating lunch (ugh I was NOT hungry...lol, I had too much sugar the day before!!) I noticed Becky Waddel trying to eat while holding her little one (she's a single mom) and I offered to hold her little guy while she ate and I could tell she was grateful and that made me smile cuz I love kids hehe.

And...I think that's about all...oh wait my car lol!! oh yes...stupid car! Lol.

Well, before I had left for Minnesota, my dad said it sounded like something in the engine was missing and that while I was gone, he'd get his friend (who works on cars for a living) to check it out & the guy did and some cap thing was cracked in the engine & almost all of my sparkplugs were bad...so yeah, the day of the concert when Liz was over, I had to take my car to this guy's house and drop it off...I was afraid I'd need it and not have it! Lol. But Don fixed it right up and 2 days later I had it back again better than when I bought it!! Ahh I'm thankful my dad has friends like that cuz he hardly charges anything for servicing vehicles,, we pretty much just have to buy the stuff & he'll fix it for almost nothing, he's a really great guy!

Well I'm getting tired now woo hoo the caffeine from earlier today is finally wearing off!!
Goodnight all & hope you enjoyed my update =)