Day 04

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

my inability to be comfortable around people. i always feel SO AWKWARD in social situations and i hate it.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

the only thing i love about me and the fact that i've chosen Jesus.

nothing else about me has worth really. just Jesus.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

hating myself. it started when my friend hurt me & said goodbye and gets worse

progressively then i break, get better for awhile and start the descent again.

i didn't do anything to her & need to stop hating myself for it.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

her, for almost making me break after i trusted another person again.

for the lies, for the hatred, for everything that makes the memories so hard.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 03

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

my inability to be comfortable around people. i always feel SO AWKWARD in social situations and i hate it.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

the only thing i love about me and the fact that i've chosen Jesus.

nothing else about me has worth really. just Jesus.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

hating myself. it started when my friend hurt me & said goodbye and gets worse

progressively then i break, get better for awhile and start the descent again.

i didn't do anything to her & need to stop hating myself for it.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

day 02

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

my inability to be comfortable around people. i always feel SO AWKWARD in social situations and i hate it.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

the only thing i love about me and the fact that i've chosen Jesus.

nothing else about me has worth really. just Jesus.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

thoughts on ephesians.

on the disciple message boards, www.forum. disciplerocks.com we've been reading through the book of Ephesians and i posted some thoughts/revelations i had and i thought i'd share them here as well for anyone who actually reads this...

alright so the last couple of days i've been reading through Ephesians and writing down things, verses and thoughts that God's been speaking to me...it's not very organized or super clear so hopefully my jumbled thoughts make sense to whoever wants to read them =)

alright, v. 1:18-21

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."

in this, i was struck by the thought that that incredible power is accessible to us
and we are meant to tap into it!! the very same power that resurrected Christ
is available to us in our daily lives. how intense is that!
----

v. 2:22

"And in Him you too are being build together to become a dwelling in which God
lives by His Spirit"

He longs to not only commune with us and have relationship but He ALSO wants us to be so open, changed and ready for His presence that He can dwell within us at any time!

the pure, perfect, blameless, Holy and Mighty God of the universe longs to be
SO CLOSE to US that we are one.

um, i don't know about you guys but i KNOW that i don't always reflect God as if He
were dwelling with me. convicting...but in a good way.

how can we refuse Him?
what would happen if instead of giving into temptations or fear of man, we yielded
ourselves to Him wholly so that He may dwell where we are?
----
v. 3:12
"In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence"

because of Christ we have the right to be bold and to stand boldly...and FREE
in front of the Lord God Almighty.
...that's something i've always known but it really struck me as i was reading,
that we are not bound to Him, but free to come to Him.
----
v. 4:30
"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption"

now, i don't really have any thoughts on this verse i was actually hoping someone else here had insight into what the meaning & purpose of this verse is and how it's significant to the text as a whole. i've never really studied ephesians and don't really know anything about this part.
----
v. 6:19-20
"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the Gospel for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should."

I think the part that really hit me here was that I've always esteemed Paul in my
mind and here he's admitting that he doubts and fears just like the rest of us.

um, now that i've posted like...half a novel i'll let someone else post lol

"a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and

can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words"

saw this quote on a friend's profile and was struck with the thought

that i really liked that quote, that i wish i had that...except i don't

even know the song in my heart to begin with so how can i forget

the words?

the last few days, my music obsession has consisted mostly of

Saosin, Skillet and Disciple. the top 3 songs being "it's far better

to learn" (saosin), "collision" (disciple), and "would it matter" (skillet).

saosin being the most played. love saosin.

i realized something tonight at work. no matter who i'm around or

what the circumstances, i'm always looked down on, i'm either younger

or just not really respected or treated like an equal. it kind of stinks. a lot.

but then again i don't really deserve to be treated like anything special so

why do i feel like i should?

anyway... i have determined to be happy and content, if only for everyone else's

sake. what i feel and think doesn't really matter anyways does it?

i need to stop being so selfish.

because i need to update.

dear bloggers, it's been a really tough season for me.

i've had to face quite a few crushing things lately and i know the fire refines us

but that doesn't make it easier.

basically... this year i'm not going to be doing the School of Worship, nor am i going to Kenosha like i'd been hoping/planning. so that's that.

um, for those who haven't heard i've gotten a 2nd job at another store in the mall, not even close to as fun as the one i had first but a job's a job. also, my first job has upped my hours there for now because i have open availability and a couple of the other associates have cut their hours down to hardly nothing... so i get them. yeah. basically, that means i work now. a lot. having a day off is basically miraculous, though it's happened where i get one day off a week, sometimes. cool.

let's see, i think the last thing i should mention is that on tuesday my younger sister, Anita, moved out and up to the cities with my older brother and his fam for the time being. she's going to college up there and starting her own life.

i'd say our house now has one less inhabitant...except it doesn't.

my friend jared has been staying here with us while he's in a transition period for his

future, either he'll stay here and work or move to somewhere in illinois to work at a camp

and such. it's been nice having someone around but at the very same time i long for solitude

and to be alone. things are so much easier when i don't have to show effort for other people.

i think that's all for now...if you have any questions, comment me, message me, whatever. yep.

on my own.

so i decided to post from "the road" so to speak, since i'm not home and won't be for several days.

i've taken a hiatus from real life (most people call them 'vacations' ) and i guess i'm trying to rediscover my purpose and passion for living.

let me clarify.

i've believed for over a year now that i'm supposed to go to Living Light School of Worship...however... things haven't exactly worked out for me.

so i felt super defeated.

and yes, i know that everything is in God's control and He has the perfect timing.

i just suck at waiting.

and having faith. and trust.

you see, i have a very hard time truly believing i will ever be happy, so when an opportunity presents itself that i might be happy, i become rather cynical. i don't like that quality about myself since i'm always advocating hope, but that's how i am and no ten step program's gonna change it, only spending time with my Father can. sooo yeah.

anyway, i'm waiting for alyssa to get done with work (she gets done at 3 ish) and well let's see... i went to bed about 1:30 a.m. (early for me) but didn't/couldn't fall asleep until after 3, then this morning when alyssa's alarm went off at 6, i woke up (not sure if the alarm woke me up or if i was already awake though), then dozed off a bit til she left then i got up and her mom came in to leave a towel for me in case i wanted to shower while she was gone and i scared her cuz she wasn't expecting me to be awake haha. that was a little before 8. funny thing is, i don't feel tired... dear body i wish you made more sense cuz what am i going to do all day now?? xD

okay okay i'm done babbling for now. peace homies.

God is Sovereign.

He doesn't change!

no matter what we do or how far we fall, He's right there whispering "let Me carry you"

He's not angry with us, never unkind.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

after all these years of knowing Christ i'm STILL trying to wrap my mind around that!!

it had been quite a very long time since i'd fallen hard, and not too long ago i did.

i let the enemy's lies into my heart and mind and instead of fighting them with the

Truth that i KNOW, i believed them and embraced them.

told myself i was a screw up, a failure and was wrong all along.

PRAISE GOD for my friends in the faith!!

i was talking with one of my friends one night and she kept asking me

"how are you?" "how are you doing?"

and i replied "fine." " i'm okay how are you?" the common responses i use,

but she wouldn't relent. finally after a pause, she asked me

"okay seriously how are you?? and be honest!"

and that was all it took for me to break down and be completely honest with her.

i told her exactly what i was thinking and feeling and that i felt like a failure because

things aren't working out in my mind the way they should have been going.

she answered me, "so WHAT? you aren't a failure! and besides that, God still loves you

just as much even if you DID mess up, which i don't believe you did."

it was SO encouraging, but then i pushed those encouraging words out of my mind the

very next day and fell to my lowest. it was awful and my soul was in such pain and turmoil.

i literally could not go one hour without crying and i HATE crying especially in front of people.

but God didn't let me go :)

then the day after that horrid night, i was talking to one of my closest friends and was pretty

honest with her though it took me quite awhile to let it all out. when i had finished telling her

what happened she just said "i know." and then she told me "you need to take this to God you know." and i knew it, but i wasn't believing it. "quit fighting Him." she told me, "go spend some

time with Him and just TALK. tell Him everything. exactly how you're feeling and repent for

not listening when you knew you heard Him speak. so i got offline and at 2 a.m. i was laying in

bed trying to figure out how to speak what i needed to say, and i was listening to music like

usual and just BROKE. DOWN. i cried out to Him being completely broken and surrendered.

"okay i said, You win, i can't do this. i can't do ANYTHING. i'm so so broken. please carry me."

and finally exhausted at about 4:30 a.m., i fell asleep.

the next day was hard because i was still trying to condemn myself for my actions but i knew

that was wrong. so i kept trying that whole day. my friend told me in a very good analogy,

"the enemy is like a barking dog, he thinks that if he keeps yipping and yipping he will drown

out the Voice of the One you need to hear most. if you listen to him repeatedly, he'll only gain

control over who you're listening to."

... this isn't everything and it's been a tough couple of weeks, but thursday i leave for milwaukee

to see Alyssa and stay with her for a couple nights, then we're headed to Kenosha where i'm

hoping and praying i will be able to hear God more clearly, away from the noise and distractions

of my everyday life.

thanks everyone who has been praying for me ♥