Betrayed by my Heart

Let me explain the title of this post.

I have previously written about how I have a decision to make regarding my future.
A decision which I do NOT take lightly and a very hard decision at that.

In order to help my decision, I decided to get away from home for a couple of weeks and
visit my brother--where my potential move would be.

And while I have been here...I have noticed how different I am.

I'm SO much less depressed.
I smile and laugh a lot more.
Basically...I feel like I belong here.

But I also feel like my heart has betrayed me...I mean, my home...the only one I have
ever known and my heart is telling me here is where I should be.

There is such a huge part of me that does not want to leave home and that makes the other
part of me (the part that says I need to do this,, its MY life and I need to live it) feel so inferior and stupid.

I'm still so torn and the choice is weighing quite heavily on my heart tonight.
Prayers are appreciated *sigh* ♥ peace <3

Frustrated and Tired Where Do I Go From Here?

Mmk so, the title of my blog today is from the Relient K song "For the Moments I Feel Faint" and that line just seems to be me lately. I do not know where to turn, what to do, who to go to anymore. I'll try to sum this up as short as I can, but I'm not making any promises:

Okay so..I have the choice to make--whether I will stay living at home for more than a year and going to school here OR to move in with my older brother & his family who live about 4 hours away,, and starting my life over there.

And I'm so scared to choose.

I've done pros and cons for both in my head and still cannot come to a conclusion.

If I move to Minnesota:
-I will be able to start fresh
-I'll be working for a year instead of school [most likely]
-I won't have to deal with my family & its drama
-I'll be leaving behind my nightmare of the last 2 years and completely starting over
-I'll be able to see my brother & his fam more
-I'd get to see Randy & Elaine more often
-Eventually I'd be moving into my own apartment,,totally on my own
-There would never not be something to do

but...
-the city scares me
-my car doors do not lock
-I'm terrified of driving in the city
-I'd be quite lonely because I'd be leaving my friends behind
-I wouldn't have a church family anymore
-my whole life I have lived here and I do not know
how to live anywhere else
-If something happened to mom or dad while I was gone and one
of them got sick, I would never forgive myself
-I would be on my own for everything I need from now on
-I wouldn't see my sisters everyday...and we're pretty close,,
I know I would miss that
-I'd be leaving my best friend behind...the one who has stood by
me through a lot of tough shit since we've been friends,, she's the
only one who really knows me ♥


As you see, I could go on and on and on and on...and my main incentive for leaving I think is because my parents do not care what happens to me. Just the other day, my dad was talking to his brother on the phone about me, where I could hear him and he uttered the words "She's 19 and doesn't do anything,, pretty much worthless" and that cut deep. I always kind of knew that I don't belong here, I'm not the prize child, no that is Anita...but it still hurt nonetheless. I was born premature and it was a miracle I survived so at times like this I can't help but think that maybe I wasn't supposed to survive.

Anywho, there is my blog about my decision. If I could I would love to talk it through with Ben, because he is pretty objective and could really help me decide this and not make any decision hastily...but I don't think he wants to because he hasn't answered my email message. Oh well I'm leaving tomorrow for a week or two visit to my brother's to help me decide...we'll see what happens when I get back and how it all goes down.


...More than anything I could really use a hug right now. *sigh* and such is life.

Freaking Out

Okay, so my junior year of high school, which is close to 3 years ago, there was this pretty big incident that happened with a guy at my school. This guy happens to be the son of the associate pastor at our church, who I am pretty close to. However!! He moved away to finish his senior year in Oklahoma and is now going to college there BUT his dad, Ben, is getting ordained on the 7th of June...and he is coming home. I hate facing my past...quite frankly it terrifies me. He was here for Christmas and ended up at the Christmas Eve service & I could tell he wanted to say something to me, but I was a HUGE chicken and kept my back turned to where he was and kept up a conversation with my 2 sisters the whole time...luckily they understood enough to keep it going. I hate the feeling that comes with it because it was a huge mistake I made,, one of the biggest screw ups I've ever done, and every time he is around, my heart pounds like crazy and it's really hard for me to breathe...like a panic attack. AND to make things worse...after I am able to escape being around him or whatever, I *always* get that panicky self injury feeling again.

So basically, I'm terrified out of my wits to go to this ordination thing, but I know it's a huge deal for Ben & I really want to be there & support him, he has meant a lot to me in the past 2 years.... *facedesk* Anyone want to chip in and get me a plane ticket to Texas? One way? Cuz that would be lovely :)