on my own.

i've been shrinking lately.

i say shrinking because that is how it feels.
it's like every part of me that knows how to laugh or smile or feel,
the parts of me that i used to use when i was with friends or even my
family are just shriveling up.  when i laugh, in the moment is fine but then
there is a slight after ache and it's all so very confusing to me.

i'm practically hired at this amazing new job, in a management position.
i've been considering going back to school and finishing some sort of degree programme.

but everything feels....so off.

for example, last night i had homegroup and i didn't really want to go.
at all.
but i couldn't think of any possible way to avoid it and so i ended up going and it was fine.
was i putting on a front? yes...but it's what i do.
it takes me awhile to trust people and i HATE being the centre of attention in groups of people...
which is how it is there. so anyways i just kind of... did it and when we were almost done, someone
else was talking and one of the girls caught my eye from across the room (we were listening but also distracted a bit) and she mouthed "are you okay?" and i nodded, flashed her a smile and mouthed back "just tired" and it was like she almost didn't believe me but the moment passed and homegroup was over and i legitimately WAS tired (long day at work) and so as i was leaving, she was walking out too, i said "have a good night" and went to unlock my car only to realize she was right behind me. slightly startled, i turned around and was like "oh hey what's up?" and she basically cornered me, but i assured her that i really WAS fine and did my best acting to make her believe me. i was about done with being around people and there was NO way i was planning on telling her how things really were.  there is a certain crowd of people my age around here and everyone knows who they are and they're pretty exclusive, not rude, but they don't hang out with other people hardly ever unless those people are basically accepted into their "elite" kind of crowd...and i have never been one of those people my whole life so i was trying to figure out why she was talking to me at all outside of homegroup and what her motive was.  she made a comment when she started walking away about how we should get together sometime, but i've heard that line a hundred times and so i generically replied "oh yeah of course, just let me know" as i always do and i know i won't hear from her, because i never do.

i don't even barely hear from the people who i would consider close friends.
it's been well over a week since i went to a show in milwaukee with 2 of my "friends"
who basically ended up ignoring me most of the time and i was a 3rd wheel which really
made me feel crappy and depressed, so much so that i went home and cried about it for 2
hours straight.  i wish i knew what people wanted from me and why i seem to be so disliked.
i know i'm terrible at friendships and relationships in general and i'm not an amazing person
but it hurts when you're invited to something and then snubbed and made to sit in the backseat,
completely ignored the whole hour car-ride.

can i take out a loan for a new life please?

**sigh**

on the bright side, my roommates will be in Chicago all weekend for work and so i'll have
the house to myself, and  tomorrow i have off so that will be even better.

solo party time? you know it.

go.

you know how it feels?
when God is closing in on you.
it's not that you've avoided Him on purpose,
but you have work and things of life and it's not like
you don't talk to Him... or listen either.

but sometimes, it's like a slave and his or her master.
which, i suppose is a pretty exact comparison of the situation...
but when the Master bids come, the slave runs.
there is always hesitancy because you cannot fully know the mind of the One
beckoning you....but there is simultaneously always longing...you want to be with
Him as much, dare you think MORE than He wants to be with you.

still, there is hesitation.
you're not sure why.
you know you'll go eventually.
you can't resist very long.
so very weak without His strength.

it's okay to collapse.
He's holding you.

GO.