A million questions. That's all I've had the last week or so. Have I heard God wrong? Is this really what He wants from me? Where is this going to lead me? No, I'm not questioning HIM I'm questioning if I heard Him right...or wrong.
And then there's the other part of me that's pulling at me and speaking and confusing me. For those of you who have no idea what SI is like, let me give you an insight. Cutters don't do it because they want attention (usually, some do) Cutters don't hurt themselves because it's FUN. 99% of all self-injurers are not sadistic freaks who want to cause themselves pain.
We do it because we can't deal. We do it because we feel like we DESERVE the pain.
I won't forget the numerous amount of nights where I have fallen asleep crying my eyes out, begging for God to not let me wake up and being incredibly disappointed the next day when I woke up. So often it just feels like...He's GOD. Why does He want anything to do with me?? I could fade into nothingness and there would still be millions of other people to love Him, He doesn't need me so why do I try? There have been times I've imagined what it would be like to be punished by God. I don't deserve any kind of happiness. I just feel like I deserve to be alone and unhappy and hurting.
For example, this morning sitting in church, I sat there and could hardly sing the songs and worship God because I felt the overwhelming urge to take something sharp and dig deeply into my skin. It's so wrong but I was singing "Majestic" and holding back tears. That is not NORMAL. It's not right. I've been like this for almost a week now. No idea what brought it on. No idea why I feel so incredibly lonely everyday.
Sorry if this blog doesn't make sense at all this is just my attempt to let people know how I am feeling and such since I don't get to talk to any of you all hardly any more. Okay well, work meeting tonight....holiday season changes. Woo? Alls I know so far is that our uniform changes and that the sign outside our store will say "Santa's Workshop" until after new year's prolly. Joy. Okay well tootlz my blog readers, be happy.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Beauty that is Children
This is the "why-I-love-kids-so-much" blog. lol.
Last night, right as I sat down to eat dinner, a friend from church calls & asks me if I'd be able to watch his kids til 9-9:30 that night. Since I had absolutely no plans, I agreed and ate quickly, heading on over as soon as I could, per his request. Now, Jim is a great guy & I really got to know him during our mission trip to Alabama since he was the crew encourager on my crew the SORE THUMBS! ha ha oh good times =] well anyway, me him and Ashley all got to be pretty close during that week since we were on the same crew working long hours in the roasting, baking sun and it was so cool because, before that, I'd never really known him at all, like, you know how you know OF someone but don't really know them? it was kinda like that. Anyway, we bonded quite a bit and that was cool, so when he called me I was pretty excited, they have 5 kids and a huge house and it's just one of those homes that you love to be in because it's so happy and family like know what I mean? So even though my throat hurt, I'm like this is going to be a good night!
So I get to there house & I find out I'm only watching the youngest two, S & A. S is 5 and a boy and A is 7 and a girl. I remember when those 2 were born =) It's so crazy for me to be babysitting them when I remember them as babies! lol. But that's that. So Jim & his wife leave with their 2 oldest (I think they went to a football game) and I decided to get to know the kids so they'd be more comfortable with me (S really wasn't at all, well I don't think A was either, but she was much better than S, he kept running to Jim and wanting hugs...it didn't help that the kids really hadn't met me before that lol) and since it was my first time at the house I had the kids play tour guide (kids absolutely LOVE to play tour guide) and I found out where their bedrooms were and store in my memory the things I'd need for later at bedtime.
After we finished the "tour" of the upstairs, we all trooped downstairs and pretty much the kids just watched tv all night. We had a great adventure with Buff, the dog, who likes to chew things. Like...it was ridiculous. Jim told me later that whenever him & his wife leave, Buff chews up EVERYTHING and they don't really know why. So he demolished the toliet paper, a shoe, half a pillow and various other things. The kids kept feeding him hotdogs any time he got something he wasn't supposed to have so that he'd drop the thing and just eat the hotdog, but in my mind I kept thinking that that's positive reinforcement and it's not a very good way to change the behavior but oh well it's not my dog. lol. After we had pretty much put up high everything Buff could get into, we all settled down for an episode of Full House before the kids had to get ready for bed. Well, before they brushed their teeth, I let them have a snack (lol isn't that what babysitters do? :P ) and they asked for hot chocolate with marshmallows so I said okay cuz there's nothing really wrong with that and A made it which was kind of surprising to me cuz she's only 7 but she's VERY independent so that was cool to watch. Then the teeth were brushed and upstairs to bed we went!
As I tucked the kids in, they had to make sure they each had their own fans (in my opinion, it would have been just cozy WITHOUT fans but whatever lol) and then A, the 7 year old asked me if I was going to pray with them before bed like her dad does. I'm like...okay...Jim didn't mention this...I wonder how they pray, cuz you know, some parents teach "now i lay me" and some just pray like they normally would so I asked A if she wanted to go first and she said "no i always go last" so i'm like of course, that just figures lol and the S said he would go first and i'm like "ok" and he does and then they tell me it's my turn so i'm like "ok" and i pray and then A starts thanking God for her family and praying that her mom and dad and family get home safe and something about visiting her cousins soon and then she goes "and i pray that (she looks at me and goes "whats your name again?" and i'm like "miss liz") and she goes "Miss Liz" has a good day tomorrow and thank you for letting her watch us cuz she was fun and nice...in Jesus' name amen!" and I just wanted to go "aww!!!" but instead I said goodnight & went downstairs to wait for the parents to get home.
Kids are adorable.
I love them SOO much!!
That is why my job is perfect for me ^_^
Which reminds me I need to go shower & get ready for work soon. yay!
Until next time my faithful blog readers, peace! ♥
Last night, right as I sat down to eat dinner, a friend from church calls & asks me if I'd be able to watch his kids til 9-9:30 that night. Since I had absolutely no plans, I agreed and ate quickly, heading on over as soon as I could, per his request. Now, Jim is a great guy & I really got to know him during our mission trip to Alabama since he was the crew encourager on my crew the SORE THUMBS! ha ha oh good times =] well anyway, me him and Ashley all got to be pretty close during that week since we were on the same crew working long hours in the roasting, baking sun and it was so cool because, before that, I'd never really known him at all, like, you know how you know OF someone but don't really know them? it was kinda like that. Anyway, we bonded quite a bit and that was cool, so when he called me I was pretty excited, they have 5 kids and a huge house and it's just one of those homes that you love to be in because it's so happy and family like know what I mean? So even though my throat hurt, I'm like this is going to be a good night!
So I get to there house & I find out I'm only watching the youngest two, S & A. S is 5 and a boy and A is 7 and a girl. I remember when those 2 were born =) It's so crazy for me to be babysitting them when I remember them as babies! lol. But that's that. So Jim & his wife leave with their 2 oldest (I think they went to a football game) and I decided to get to know the kids so they'd be more comfortable with me (S really wasn't at all, well I don't think A was either, but she was much better than S, he kept running to Jim and wanting hugs...it didn't help that the kids really hadn't met me before that lol) and since it was my first time at the house I had the kids play tour guide (kids absolutely LOVE to play tour guide) and I found out where their bedrooms were and store in my memory the things I'd need for later at bedtime.
After we finished the "tour" of the upstairs, we all trooped downstairs and pretty much the kids just watched tv all night. We had a great adventure with Buff, the dog, who likes to chew things. Like...it was ridiculous. Jim told me later that whenever him & his wife leave, Buff chews up EVERYTHING and they don't really know why. So he demolished the toliet paper, a shoe, half a pillow and various other things. The kids kept feeding him hotdogs any time he got something he wasn't supposed to have so that he'd drop the thing and just eat the hotdog, but in my mind I kept thinking that that's positive reinforcement and it's not a very good way to change the behavior but oh well it's not my dog. lol. After we had pretty much put up high everything Buff could get into, we all settled down for an episode of Full House before the kids had to get ready for bed. Well, before they brushed their teeth, I let them have a snack (lol isn't that what babysitters do? :P ) and they asked for hot chocolate with marshmallows so I said okay cuz there's nothing really wrong with that and A made it which was kind of surprising to me cuz she's only 7 but she's VERY independent so that was cool to watch. Then the teeth were brushed and upstairs to bed we went!
As I tucked the kids in, they had to make sure they each had their own fans (in my opinion, it would have been just cozy WITHOUT fans but whatever lol) and then A, the 7 year old asked me if I was going to pray with them before bed like her dad does. I'm like...okay...Jim didn't mention this...I wonder how they pray, cuz you know, some parents teach "now i lay me" and some just pray like they normally would so I asked A if she wanted to go first and she said "no i always go last" so i'm like of course, that just figures lol and the S said he would go first and i'm like "ok" and he does and then they tell me it's my turn so i'm like "ok" and i pray and then A starts thanking God for her family and praying that her mom and dad and family get home safe and something about visiting her cousins soon and then she goes "and i pray that (she looks at me and goes "whats your name again?" and i'm like "miss liz") and she goes "Miss Liz" has a good day tomorrow and thank you for letting her watch us cuz she was fun and nice...in Jesus' name amen!" and I just wanted to go "aww!!!" but instead I said goodnight & went downstairs to wait for the parents to get home.
Kids are adorable.
I love them SOO much!!
That is why my job is perfect for me ^_^
Which reminds me I need to go shower & get ready for work soon. yay!
Until next time my faithful blog readers, peace! ♥
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Joshua--Be Strong: the voice of God when you least expect it.
Hello blog reading peoples =)
If you've been following along with my blog for very long at all, you should/would know that God has called me to go to Kenosha & the Living Light School of Worship, or so I believe. Right here in this moment I cannot believe anything less because He has spoken to me with such clarity and in such assuring ways that for me to disbelieve this is to turn my back on God. For me, that is such a strong thing to say since I don't believe He has ever spoken something to me so clearly before. Okay, so there's that little intro done and out of the way, now onto explaining what this blog is really about: Hearing God When You Least Expect It.
7:45a.m. this morning--my mother rouses me from where i'm sleeping on the couch in our living room (my room was just TOO cold last night so i took up residence on the couch which was much better). i really hadn't slept well because i've been sick + i was having serious issues last night with silly pains all over my body, my mouth, my neck, my stinkin knees...it was just one of THOSE nights. so i mumbled that i wasn't going to church cuz i wasn't feeling good & i rolled over. [side note: my cat was sleeping on me so i wasn't very comfortable to begin with...ha!] But as I lay there about to drift back off to sleep I realized I wasn't going to sleep very well anymore since I was woken up, so I picked up my cat and rolled off the couch and made my way to the bathroom to stick my contacts in. I walk out of the bathroom 10 min later completely showered & ready (minus being dressed) and my mom walks by ALL confused lol. The look on my mother's face was pretty much echoed on mine when I turned around in time to see my sister dressed and ready to go walking out of her bedroom...I almost fell over. My younger sisters + going to church= never happens!! But she was going...so I'm hopeful! lol. Anyway, off to church we went.
At church--several people greeted me & with a not-so-awake smile, I walked into the building. Today, our "usual" seats were taken when we got to church (oh heaven forbid...but my mom was annoyed, which I'll never understand *shrug* ) and we sat down and just kinda chatted with people & chilled til more people arrived (we live less than 5 miles away from church so we are ALWAYS super early lol). Well, one of my old small group leaders from middle & high school ended up sitting in front of us (Miss Cindy P.) and she started talking to me. Honestly, I haven't REALLY talked to her in ages even though her and I used to be incredibly close. Oh well, life changes and we grow from it right? Anywho, so we're talking and she asks me what I'm up to these days and I tell her all about my new job and how much I already love it. Then she asks if I know where I'm going to go back to school and I'm thinking "whoa! that came out of NOWHERE!" but I answer the question about LLC and the SOW and I start talking about how I'm going in November to visit (if all goes according to plan anyway) and how excited I am that God wants me there and then I realize my mom is standing there & I haven't told her ANY of this yet....least of all about the November visit & I'm like...ohhh dearrrr....but it was all good, she was just listening & didn't really have anything to say about it later lol. So that was a good conversation, but I really didn't think anything of it til later when I was reflecting on this.
So worship time =) Was amazing. I think it was because I've been reading Ducky's blogs and talking with her and a lot of the stuff she's said/written has sunk in. Worship isn't about US! It's about GOD! Who cares if we don't "feel" like singing? Sing anyway! Lol so that's kind of the attitude I had this morning. I really wasn't "seeking" God during worship, I was more praising Him and just really WORSHIPING. Anyway, it was all just REALLY amazing. I don't even think I can describe it in words, it was just special I guess. Moving onto preachin! lol. Our lead pastor isn't here this weekend, he's off in Nebraska? i think? doing something or other so, in preparation for our future expansion stuff we're doing, we watched the message via a pre-recorded video.
When it started I'm like "yawn. i hope i can stay awake. ugh i do NOT feel well at ALL! who ORDERED this headache anyway??! it sure wasn't me!" and so i get out my paper for notes and a pen and i start doodling while pastor outlines our growth plan that the congregation has decided to go through with and since i've already heard all about it ( i have inside connections lol, i hang out at church too much :P ) i was just doodling and kinda not paying attention. Well lately, we've been going through the old testament for our sermons & since i've never had much patience with the OT i wasn't very excited when pastor announced that but now that we've gotten into it, it's come alive for me and i really think i have different perspective on it now. Okay so moving along, I'm getting rather wordy! Today's sermon was on Joshua and him leading the people in the land God had promised them. The main text we were studying was this:
1 After the death of Moses the servant of the LORD, the LORD said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses' aide: 2 "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them—to the Israelites. 3 I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. 4 Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates—all the Hittite country—to the Great Sea on the west. 5 No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
If you've been following along with my blog for very long at all, you should/would know that God has called me to go to Kenosha & the Living Light School of Worship, or so I believe. Right here in this moment I cannot believe anything less because He has spoken to me with such clarity and in such assuring ways that for me to disbelieve this is to turn my back on God. For me, that is such a strong thing to say since I don't believe He has ever spoken something to me so clearly before. Okay, so there's that little intro done and out of the way, now onto explaining what this blog is really about: Hearing God When You Least Expect It.
7:45a.m. this morning--my mother rouses me from where i'm sleeping on the couch in our living room (my room was just TOO cold last night so i took up residence on the couch which was much better). i really hadn't slept well because i've been sick + i was having serious issues last night with silly pains all over my body, my mouth, my neck, my stinkin knees...it was just one of THOSE nights. so i mumbled that i wasn't going to church cuz i wasn't feeling good & i rolled over. [side note: my cat was sleeping on me so i wasn't very comfortable to begin with...ha!] But as I lay there about to drift back off to sleep I realized I wasn't going to sleep very well anymore since I was woken up, so I picked up my cat and rolled off the couch and made my way to the bathroom to stick my contacts in. I walk out of the bathroom 10 min later completely showered & ready (minus being dressed) and my mom walks by ALL confused lol. The look on my mother's face was pretty much echoed on mine when I turned around in time to see my sister dressed and ready to go walking out of her bedroom...I almost fell over. My younger sisters + going to church= never happens!! But she was going...so I'm hopeful! lol. Anyway, off to church we went.
At church--several people greeted me & with a not-so-awake smile, I walked into the building. Today, our "usual" seats were taken when we got to church (oh heaven forbid...but my mom was annoyed, which I'll never understand *shrug* ) and we sat down and just kinda chatted with people & chilled til more people arrived (we live less than 5 miles away from church so we are ALWAYS super early lol). Well, one of my old small group leaders from middle & high school ended up sitting in front of us (Miss Cindy P.) and she started talking to me. Honestly, I haven't REALLY talked to her in ages even though her and I used to be incredibly close. Oh well, life changes and we grow from it right? Anywho, so we're talking and she asks me what I'm up to these days and I tell her all about my new job and how much I already love it. Then she asks if I know where I'm going to go back to school and I'm thinking "whoa! that came out of NOWHERE!" but I answer the question about LLC and the SOW and I start talking about how I'm going in November to visit (if all goes according to plan anyway) and how excited I am that God wants me there and then I realize my mom is standing there & I haven't told her ANY of this yet....least of all about the November visit & I'm like...ohhh dearrrr....but it was all good, she was just listening & didn't really have anything to say about it later lol. So that was a good conversation, but I really didn't think anything of it til later when I was reflecting on this.
So worship time =) Was amazing. I think it was because I've been reading Ducky's blogs and talking with her and a lot of the stuff she's said/written has sunk in. Worship isn't about US! It's about GOD! Who cares if we don't "feel" like singing? Sing anyway! Lol so that's kind of the attitude I had this morning. I really wasn't "seeking" God during worship, I was more praising Him and just really WORSHIPING. Anyway, it was all just REALLY amazing. I don't even think I can describe it in words, it was just special I guess. Moving onto preachin! lol. Our lead pastor isn't here this weekend, he's off in Nebraska? i think? doing something or other so, in preparation for our future expansion stuff we're doing, we watched the message via a pre-recorded video.
When it started I'm like "yawn. i hope i can stay awake. ugh i do NOT feel well at ALL! who ORDERED this headache anyway??! it sure wasn't me!" and so i get out my paper for notes and a pen and i start doodling while pastor outlines our growth plan that the congregation has decided to go through with and since i've already heard all about it ( i have inside connections lol, i hang out at church too much :P ) i was just doodling and kinda not paying attention. Well lately, we've been going through the old testament for our sermons & since i've never had much patience with the OT i wasn't very excited when pastor announced that but now that we've gotten into it, it's come alive for me and i really think i have different perspective on it now. Okay so moving along, I'm getting rather wordy! Today's sermon was on Joshua and him leading the people in the land God had promised them. The main text we were studying was this:
1 After the death of Moses the servant of the LORD, the LORD said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses' aide: 2 "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them—to the Israelites. 3 I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. 4 Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates—all the Hittite country—to the Great Sea on the west. 5 No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:1-9
We read through this and I was like ehhh until we got to this part and it just HIT me hard:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." --verse 9
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Handwritten Letters.
I love them.
I love getting them.
So.
The first 10 people to respond to this will get a handwritten letter from me.
I am going to post this on facebook as well so you might want to be fast ;-)
This obviously requires me to have your address so I can send the letter.
You can either post it here if you don't care or you can message me on facebook
or email me at moonlight_princess_08@hotmail.com
So here's to handwritten letters!!
I love getting them.
So.
The first 10 people to respond to this will get a handwritten letter from me.
I am going to post this on facebook as well so you might want to be fast ;-)
This obviously requires me to have your address so I can send the letter.
You can either post it here if you don't care or you can message me on facebook
or email me at moonlight_princess_08@hotmail.com
So here's to handwritten letters!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Art of Breaking...Barriers??
Okay so...I don't usually blog everyday or blog like 2 days right in a row but tonight I've just been hit with something and if I don't write about it, I most likely won't remember it later on when I need to reflect on it.
Small group was tonight, at my house since Andrew's parents were here & Andrew and Lynette couldn't make it this week. Kelly & her husband Andrew also weren't at group because Andrew got inducted into Phi Theta Kappa (congrats man!) and so group was kinda small (lol we're never normally THAT big, but yea, group was kinda small, just 6 of us) and Simeon was leading (Bre was co-leading) and it was all VERY good.
The study we've been doing is on the Trinity & the different parts of them and that has conveniently been going right along with the book I've been reading ("The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer) so that's all really good, I've been learning a lot. Well, last week, Andrew B. gave us "homework". Earlier in the evening he had posed the question "if you could do anything that your heart desires, without worrying about expenses, responsibilities or anything, what would that be?" and several people didn't really know & had to think for quite awhile but so many things that have been happening in my life lately have had me thinking about this and I knew instantly what my answer was: "to travel the world and give people hope through music, whether it be rock or anything, i would LOVE to be a rockstar in a band and be able to give people (especially teenagers) hope that life is worth living because there is a God who loves us."
Well, Andrew B. challenged us for "homework" to take one step towards that "dream" i guess you'd call it. And well, I have taken a step. One, I got a job to start saving up the $ for LLSOW I guess is a step? And I've also made plans to visit the school...AND CARA!!!! (which is WAY more important than any school :P ) and I may even get to throw a Skillet concert in there (that's the hopes!! :D so pray for that to go through!! lol!!) Anyway, that was the challenge.
So, tonight after group, I turn my computer back on and check thing and see that a few friends have posted blogs & I go to read them, because I am a faithful blog reader. And I get to one, Cara's where she wrote about prophecies people have spoken over her (never mind the thought of whether or not you believe in that, it's not pertinent to my point) and I was reading one of them that said that she needed to let go of certain things or God will break down the barriers. I've pretty much had it in my head that one of the few things tying me to this town & specific place are my friends and family, my dad's health isn't the best and any day he could be gone you know?
Well, it's no secret, nor do I want it to be, that Liz and I are no longer best friends. Apparently all those years mean nothing, but I'm not bitter, just sad. Last night the fighting ceased when Liz posed the question "What do we do about this?" referring to the fact that anymore we're always constantly fighting or arguing about things that really shouldn't matter that much, for example, me missing church because I was sick, somehow that REALLY angered her, I have yet to understand why. We were trying to come to some sort of agreement and I asked her what she thought and her reply was, " I think we both want our friendship to be the same as it was when we were younger and that neither of us likes or wants to accept that the other has changed." I responded with "Yeah I guess that's true but what does that have to do with solving this problem?" and she answered me, "I don't think we can be best friends anymore. Aquaintances sure, you know, if we see each other that's cool but I don't think we should make plans to hang out anymore." And I just agreed because if that is truly how she feels then there really isn't anything I can do to change things. I can't change who I am nor do I have the ability to change how what she has become. So I let it go. Not without pain and definitely not without tears. There is a lot I am going to miss. So many things that will not be the same.
But here it is, what really hit me tonight: maybe God did this for a reason. If I really AM going to be moving in just a year or two, the less attachments I have, the easier it will be to go right? To go back to Cara's blog post, if I just let go and let God, will this truly be easier than having Him break the walls down? I believe so. Right now, I'm unsure of how to do this exactly, but I guess trust in Him is a great place to start.
To echo the words of Elisabeth Elliot:
Small group was tonight, at my house since Andrew's parents were here & Andrew and Lynette couldn't make it this week. Kelly & her husband Andrew also weren't at group because Andrew got inducted into Phi Theta Kappa (congrats man!) and so group was kinda small (lol we're never normally THAT big, but yea, group was kinda small, just 6 of us) and Simeon was leading (Bre was co-leading) and it was all VERY good.
The study we've been doing is on the Trinity & the different parts of them and that has conveniently been going right along with the book I've been reading ("The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer) so that's all really good, I've been learning a lot. Well, last week, Andrew B. gave us "homework". Earlier in the evening he had posed the question "if you could do anything that your heart desires, without worrying about expenses, responsibilities or anything, what would that be?" and several people didn't really know & had to think for quite awhile but so many things that have been happening in my life lately have had me thinking about this and I knew instantly what my answer was: "to travel the world and give people hope through music, whether it be rock or anything, i would LOVE to be a rockstar in a band and be able to give people (especially teenagers) hope that life is worth living because there is a God who loves us."
Well, Andrew B. challenged us for "homework" to take one step towards that "dream" i guess you'd call it. And well, I have taken a step. One, I got a job to start saving up the $ for LLSOW I guess is a step? And I've also made plans to visit the school...AND CARA!!!! (which is WAY more important than any school :P ) and I may even get to throw a Skillet concert in there (that's the hopes!! :D so pray for that to go through!! lol!!) Anyway, that was the challenge.
So, tonight after group, I turn my computer back on and check thing and see that a few friends have posted blogs & I go to read them, because I am a faithful blog reader. And I get to one, Cara's where she wrote about prophecies people have spoken over her (never mind the thought of whether or not you believe in that, it's not pertinent to my point) and I was reading one of them that said that she needed to let go of certain things or God will break down the barriers. I've pretty much had it in my head that one of the few things tying me to this town & specific place are my friends and family, my dad's health isn't the best and any day he could be gone you know?
Well, it's no secret, nor do I want it to be, that Liz and I are no longer best friends. Apparently all those years mean nothing, but I'm not bitter, just sad. Last night the fighting ceased when Liz posed the question "What do we do about this?" referring to the fact that anymore we're always constantly fighting or arguing about things that really shouldn't matter that much, for example, me missing church because I was sick, somehow that REALLY angered her, I have yet to understand why. We were trying to come to some sort of agreement and I asked her what she thought and her reply was, " I think we both want our friendship to be the same as it was when we were younger and that neither of us likes or wants to accept that the other has changed." I responded with "Yeah I guess that's true but what does that have to do with solving this problem?" and she answered me, "I don't think we can be best friends anymore. Aquaintances sure, you know, if we see each other that's cool but I don't think we should make plans to hang out anymore." And I just agreed because if that is truly how she feels then there really isn't anything I can do to change things. I can't change who I am nor do I have the ability to change how what she has become. So I let it go. Not without pain and definitely not without tears. There is a lot I am going to miss. So many things that will not be the same.
But here it is, what really hit me tonight: maybe God did this for a reason. If I really AM going to be moving in just a year or two, the less attachments I have, the easier it will be to go right? To go back to Cara's blog post, if I just let go and let God, will this truly be easier than having Him break the walls down? I believe so. Right now, I'm unsure of how to do this exactly, but I guess trust in Him is a great place to start.
To echo the words of Elisabeth Elliot:
"How can God work His will in me if I am clogged with wishes of my own? Thy will be done."
Monday, October 12, 2009
My 90th Blog Post.
Wow 90.
I never thought someone could write so much about things in life and actually share them with people.
Well, today is bittersweet.
I got the job at Build-a-Bear Workshop & I'm getting paid above minimum wage so that is all incredibly excellent. I'm totally excited about working with kids all the time and the employees I've met so far all seem really awesome, the kind of people I would just LOVE to be around. Especially Adhelia (i THINK i spelled that right...i'm horrible with name spellings though so it could be wrong) pronounced Ah-deal-e-a. She is the assistant manager? I think? lol. Anyway she did my first interview & it just went SO amazingly, I absolutely love her personality and how she is so real with you. She seems like a really sweet, awesome person & I can't wait to get to know her more. Well today, I had the 2nd part of my interview where I met the store manager, Carrie. She said she's worked in retail for 15? (i think?) years [that is a crazy lot of years!!] and that Build-a-Bear is the best place she's ever worked, so that's very encouraging! All of the employee's I've met so far have all been very welcoming and energetic. I truly think this is the perfect job! Praise God!!! I've been in such a euphoric state all day...until tonight.
My best friend and I, Liz, have been getting into arguements practically non-stop it seems for the past year. All we do is fight over things that aren't important. 90% of the time, it's her accusing me of things or her jumping on my case for really insignificant things. For example, this last Sunday, I was sick ( I had just come down with a terrible awful cold) and instead of spreading it to people at church, my parents had me stay home & rest. For some reason I just CANNOT figure out, this made Liz incredibly furious. We've been texting on and off for about 2 days straight now with argument type stuff. She asked where I was Sunday morning and I said "I'm sick so I stayed home and rested" this answer wasn't good enough for her I guess because she jumped all over my case saying that I can't be a Christian and not go to church. (we've been arguing about this for some time now; I believe church is good, yes, and important, but not absolutely vital to a Christian's walk with God. I believe community is important and that we DO benefit greatly from going to church on Sundays, but that is not the ONLY place where we should be living out our faith, and Liz just cannot see that point.)
In addition to all of this, for quite some time now, she has been slowly replacing me with another friend of hers who I will call "A" so as not to name her. Now, I absolutely LOVE "A" because she is such a sweet girl and a lot of fun, I hold nothing against her. It's Liz who I am angry at because she compares me to "A" all the time. "Oh A is soo much better at bargain shopping and A knows how to make money stretch and A has such good relationships with her siblings and parents and A is such a good Christian all the time" and on and on and on and on. I HATE being compared to anyone. Yes I am WELL AWARE that I am not a perfect person, I am far from it, but for someone to constantly be pointing out my flaws and judging me on them, it really takes a toll on a person.
So, tonight, we have this pretty big blowout. And before it's even over, I know what's going to happen. I'm choosing what I say carefully, but it's like God is already telling me what's going to happen, and I don't like it. I did this once and to do it again is incredibly painful.
In short, (by Liz's decision and not mine) we are no longer best friends. I would go as far to say that we aren't even really friends anymore. She doesn't want to hang out or talk unless, by chance, we happen to be in the same place at the same time.
To say I'm devastated doesn't even begin to cover it.
Right now, I don't even know how to react.
I've cried a few tears but I know that does nothing.
I've considered numbness because it's easy and I know how to do it well.
I might be dropping out of my small group if it gets too hard. For all I know, I might end up working those nights anyway.
Okay well it's 1:15 a.m. and my heart is broken, no shattered, and I'm going to take some sleeping pills and crank up the Skillet on my headphones in hopes to fall asleep and forget this horrible, awful night.
Happy 90th Blog Day.
I never thought someone could write so much about things in life and actually share them with people.
Well, today is bittersweet.
I got the job at Build-a-Bear Workshop & I'm getting paid above minimum wage so that is all incredibly excellent. I'm totally excited about working with kids all the time and the employees I've met so far all seem really awesome, the kind of people I would just LOVE to be around. Especially Adhelia (i THINK i spelled that right...i'm horrible with name spellings though so it could be wrong) pronounced Ah-deal-e-a. She is the assistant manager? I think? lol. Anyway she did my first interview & it just went SO amazingly, I absolutely love her personality and how she is so real with you. She seems like a really sweet, awesome person & I can't wait to get to know her more. Well today, I had the 2nd part of my interview where I met the store manager, Carrie. She said she's worked in retail for 15? (i think?) years [that is a crazy lot of years!!] and that Build-a-Bear is the best place she's ever worked, so that's very encouraging! All of the employee's I've met so far have all been very welcoming and energetic. I truly think this is the perfect job! Praise God!!! I've been in such a euphoric state all day...until tonight.
My best friend and I, Liz, have been getting into arguements practically non-stop it seems for the past year. All we do is fight over things that aren't important. 90% of the time, it's her accusing me of things or her jumping on my case for really insignificant things. For example, this last Sunday, I was sick ( I had just come down with a terrible awful cold) and instead of spreading it to people at church, my parents had me stay home & rest. For some reason I just CANNOT figure out, this made Liz incredibly furious. We've been texting on and off for about 2 days straight now with argument type stuff. She asked where I was Sunday morning and I said "I'm sick so I stayed home and rested" this answer wasn't good enough for her I guess because she jumped all over my case saying that I can't be a Christian and not go to church. (we've been arguing about this for some time now; I believe church is good, yes, and important, but not absolutely vital to a Christian's walk with God. I believe community is important and that we DO benefit greatly from going to church on Sundays, but that is not the ONLY place where we should be living out our faith, and Liz just cannot see that point.)
In addition to all of this, for quite some time now, she has been slowly replacing me with another friend of hers who I will call "A" so as not to name her. Now, I absolutely LOVE "A" because she is such a sweet girl and a lot of fun, I hold nothing against her. It's Liz who I am angry at because she compares me to "A" all the time. "Oh A is soo much better at bargain shopping and A knows how to make money stretch and A has such good relationships with her siblings and parents and A is such a good Christian all the time" and on and on and on and on. I HATE being compared to anyone. Yes I am WELL AWARE that I am not a perfect person, I am far from it, but for someone to constantly be pointing out my flaws and judging me on them, it really takes a toll on a person.
So, tonight, we have this pretty big blowout. And before it's even over, I know what's going to happen. I'm choosing what I say carefully, but it's like God is already telling me what's going to happen, and I don't like it. I did this once and to do it again is incredibly painful.
In short, (by Liz's decision and not mine) we are no longer best friends. I would go as far to say that we aren't even really friends anymore. She doesn't want to hang out or talk unless, by chance, we happen to be in the same place at the same time.
To say I'm devastated doesn't even begin to cover it.
Right now, I don't even know how to react.
I've cried a few tears but I know that does nothing.
I've considered numbness because it's easy and I know how to do it well.
I might be dropping out of my small group if it gets too hard. For all I know, I might end up working those nights anyway.
Okay well it's 1:15 a.m. and my heart is broken, no shattered, and I'm going to take some sleeping pills and crank up the Skillet on my headphones in hopes to fall asleep and forget this horrible, awful night.
Happy 90th Blog Day.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
God...With Us?
A.W. Tozer was a great man. Not because he was smart, not because he had wealth, not because he did great things. No. He was all of this in different ways yet he was still a great man. Why was he so great?? He pursued God. He longed to know the embrace of the Savior. His heart's desire was to see God face-to-face. And he gave it his all.
I know many of my blogs lately have been about God or spiritual matters and I do not apologize for it, but I do feel I must offer an explanation. I have been reading a book titled "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer and it is changing my life. Ever chapter, every paragraph, every thought every LINE is rocking my world.
I am learning what it really means to want to know God. To want Him. To see Him. To pursue Him with my whole heart. Sure I stumble and fall but I am learning and I'm learning so SO much that it's all so amazing. Every time something new strikes me, I am left in awe of God with greater intensity than the time before.
Let me explain some of this in detail :)
My most recent example of this involves something I read today.
First of all think of this: God is with us.
Okay, sure, most Christians know this fundamental and realize yeah, okay, the Holy Spirit resides within me when I choose for Christ to become my Savior and I repent and give myself to Him. It's not really that simple and easy, nor do many (may I venture further and say most?) Christians really grasp this fact.
Example: I have gone to church my entire life. I have always believed and it has kind of been the thought that God & heaven are above us, as if God were looking down on us and that He is far away from us, though He intervenes in our daily lives.
This my friends is TOTALLY misguided thinking!!
Get this now because this is where I am TOTALLY in awe!!
THE SPIRITUAL WORLD IS PARALLEL TO OUR OWN.
Emmanuel. God WITH us.
Heaven is not some place far above us, away from us.
God is not looking down on us (only) far removed from our lives and problems.
God is HERE.
WITH us.
ALWAYS.
For some reason, today, that particular thing really gripped me. The fact that the spiritual world is parallel with our own and not removed from us. Well, in a way it is still separated, but it's also HERE. When you think about that and wrap your mind around it, especially if, like me, it's your first time ever really thinking about it deeply that way, and you really let it GRIP you, you just might be in awe like I was and am :)
Everytime I learn something new about God, I just get more and more in awe and in love with Him. Living life this way is wonderful and I never want anything to change this. I'm glad no one or nothing can separate me from His love.
Okay I'ma shuddup now :P
I guess I'm just in SUCH a good mood cuz I have so much praise for God.
I got a call for the 2nd job interview.
My computer is fixed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is just good.
God is amazing.
And it's midnight and tomorrow is church so I'm going to bed now =) Goodnight all! And uh...hopefully...I can figure out how to fix the comments thing =/ I don't know WHY you all can't leave comments but it annoys me greatly cuz I do not recall EVER changing it. Urg. I'll work on that. Any help would be appreciated! Much love to all of my faithful blog readers...a certain Star that Wanders especially ;-) ♥
I know many of my blogs lately have been about God or spiritual matters and I do not apologize for it, but I do feel I must offer an explanation. I have been reading a book titled "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer and it is changing my life. Ever chapter, every paragraph, every thought every LINE is rocking my world.
I am learning what it really means to want to know God. To want Him. To see Him. To pursue Him with my whole heart. Sure I stumble and fall but I am learning and I'm learning so SO much that it's all so amazing. Every time something new strikes me, I am left in awe of God with greater intensity than the time before.
Let me explain some of this in detail :)
My most recent example of this involves something I read today.
First of all think of this: God is with us.
Okay, sure, most Christians know this fundamental and realize yeah, okay, the Holy Spirit resides within me when I choose for Christ to become my Savior and I repent and give myself to Him. It's not really that simple and easy, nor do many (may I venture further and say most?) Christians really grasp this fact.
Example: I have gone to church my entire life. I have always believed and it has kind of been the thought that God & heaven are above us, as if God were looking down on us and that He is far away from us, though He intervenes in our daily lives.
This my friends is TOTALLY misguided thinking!!
Get this now because this is where I am TOTALLY in awe!!
THE SPIRITUAL WORLD IS PARALLEL TO OUR OWN.
Emmanuel. God WITH us.
Heaven is not some place far above us, away from us.
God is not looking down on us (only) far removed from our lives and problems.
God is HERE.
WITH us.
ALWAYS.
For some reason, today, that particular thing really gripped me. The fact that the spiritual world is parallel with our own and not removed from us. Well, in a way it is still separated, but it's also HERE. When you think about that and wrap your mind around it, especially if, like me, it's your first time ever really thinking about it deeply that way, and you really let it GRIP you, you just might be in awe like I was and am :)
Everytime I learn something new about God, I just get more and more in awe and in love with Him. Living life this way is wonderful and I never want anything to change this. I'm glad no one or nothing can separate me from His love.
Okay I'ma shuddup now :P
I guess I'm just in SUCH a good mood cuz I have so much praise for God.
I got a call for the 2nd job interview.
My computer is fixed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is just good.
God is amazing.
And it's midnight and tomorrow is church so I'm going to bed now =) Goodnight all! And uh...hopefully...I can figure out how to fix the comments thing =/ I don't know WHY you all can't leave comments but it annoys me greatly cuz I do not recall EVER changing it. Urg. I'll work on that. Any help would be appreciated! Much love to all of my faithful blog readers...a certain Star that Wanders especially ;-) ♥
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Undeniably God.
Okay, so, I apologize for not blogging for awhile. It seems like such a long time to me lol. Things have been quite strange for me lately...I've been getting over being sick (much exhaustion!!) and I've been really pursuing God for answers. Ever since the mere thought of going to LLSOW was dropped into my lap, I've been VERY cautious about exploring it. At first I believe it was my heart and my dreams muddling my ability to listen to God and that what was going on wasn't REALLY God it was just my wishful thinking but then...SO many things have fallen into place. Experience with a couple bands, worship team experience at my church that includes soundboard and computer stuff... So, finally I just plain out asked God if this is really what He wanted and if it truly was then I would be willing to go wherever. Well, I began praying and searching my heart more and definitely learning more about the school from people and the internet (big shout out here to the beautiful Duck who has helped me learn SOO much that i couldn't have without her!! love ya!) and the more I read and learned, the more I fell in love and believed it was something I could DO. DEFINITELY NOT on my own, because $6,000.00+ is a LOT of $ to get without God's help but I know if He truly wants this for me, it's going to happen.
On Sunday night, I got the first piece of proof for this, hard, physical proof (at least to me). One of my very good friends's dad is a bass player for my favorite local band. Sunday night, he was playing for our youth worship team & as he was leaving, I was prompted by thoughts in my head, (now that i fully believe were nudges from the holy spirit) to go ask him about bass lessons. So, I went outside of church as he was leaving and I brought up the question and he was very accepting and open to the idea. He said he definitely would love to give me lessons and he then began to go through a few basic things about bass playing (which isn't altogether COMPLICATED, it's just very important to keep a steady beat and follow the pulse of the song). I was extremely excited about this (still am!) and when I came home I just knew it was through the leading of the Holy Spirit that I asked the right thing at the right time.
Yesterday, I got the second piece of proof, at least that I believe is proof... For a long time now, I've been searching for a job that I feel would fit me and that I would not be totally out of place at, one that I could mostly enjoy and that I'd get hours for...and most importantly, one that would give me an interview after I applied!!! (this has been QUITE obnoxious to find to be honest) and I had almost given up hope because of all of the rejection when, Tuesday night, I finally decided to look at who was hiring at the Tanger Outlet Mall in the Dells (one of my last resort places to work) and so I found out many places were looking for sales associates and I made a list and the next day, Jen went with me and I asked for applications for places and filled them out. I got applications for Claires, Coldwater Creek and Build-a-Bear workshop. I wanted to apply at Nike and Old Navy but they were online applications so I would have to do them when I got home. As I was returning my apps for Claires & CC, I was getting kind of nervous like "okay...they're not acting like they're confirming anything..that's not good..." and THEN I returned my application to Build-A-Bear and the manager was very..um...peppy lol. She asked if I was busy tomorrow and if I could come back for an interview at 1:30pm. I was TOTALLY thrilled to be offered an interview and I said "Nope I'm not busy I'll definitely be here!".
So, today, I went and proceeded with the interview and in my opinion, it went really well! I had to take this survey/test thing called the Reid Test (i think??) and it was to "get to know me". LOL! Basically, it asked about what I thought about employees stealing from companies and how I would handle if I knew someone was stealing blah blah blah, there were some questions about drug use and if I'd submit to a drug test (sure why not? i have nothing to hide. lol) and yeah, it was a stinkin scan-tron which I really dislike, and 100 questions at that, but it only took me 15-20 minutes so that's not awful or anything and hey if it gets me the job, I don't care! lol. I have to go back for a 2nd interview though, to meet the store manager and be interview by her, but I'm not worried =) I believe God has placed me there for a reason, I mean, there has to be a reason I was so warmly accepted when I went to apply right? I have a really really good feeling about this place. NOT TO MENTION, working in a store with kids all day long? That is like one of THE best jobs EVER in my book =)
AND THEN...last night =( Just a little after midnight, I was just about to get offline ( I was talking to some peeps) and my computer just...shut off. It crashed. And I could not turn it back on. It said it wasn't letting me on so that it could "protect windows" cuz there was some system error. SO....I'm freaking out. I canNOT afford another computer, not to mention all of the priceless memories and stuff that are on there that I can never get back if it crashes...SOOO many pictures and SOOO much music *cries* so many things that are important to me. Why does this keep happening to me with my computers???? *sigh* Can't my life just go smoothly for like...ONE day? Please??? Okay I'm done ranting now but really, HOW can this be happening?
On Sunday night, I got the first piece of proof for this, hard, physical proof (at least to me). One of my very good friends's dad is a bass player for my favorite local band. Sunday night, he was playing for our youth worship team & as he was leaving, I was prompted by thoughts in my head, (now that i fully believe were nudges from the holy spirit) to go ask him about bass lessons. So, I went outside of church as he was leaving and I brought up the question and he was very accepting and open to the idea. He said he definitely would love to give me lessons and he then began to go through a few basic things about bass playing (which isn't altogether COMPLICATED, it's just very important to keep a steady beat and follow the pulse of the song). I was extremely excited about this (still am!) and when I came home I just knew it was through the leading of the Holy Spirit that I asked the right thing at the right time.
Yesterday, I got the second piece of proof, at least that I believe is proof... For a long time now, I've been searching for a job that I feel would fit me and that I would not be totally out of place at, one that I could mostly enjoy and that I'd get hours for...and most importantly, one that would give me an interview after I applied!!! (this has been QUITE obnoxious to find to be honest) and I had almost given up hope because of all of the rejection when, Tuesday night, I finally decided to look at who was hiring at the Tanger Outlet Mall in the Dells (one of my last resort places to work) and so I found out many places were looking for sales associates and I made a list and the next day, Jen went with me and I asked for applications for places and filled them out. I got applications for Claires, Coldwater Creek and Build-a-Bear workshop. I wanted to apply at Nike and Old Navy but they were online applications so I would have to do them when I got home. As I was returning my apps for Claires & CC, I was getting kind of nervous like "okay...they're not acting like they're confirming anything..that's not good..." and THEN I returned my application to Build-A-Bear and the manager was very..um...peppy lol. She asked if I was busy tomorrow and if I could come back for an interview at 1:30pm. I was TOTALLY thrilled to be offered an interview and I said "Nope I'm not busy I'll definitely be here!".
So, today, I went and proceeded with the interview and in my opinion, it went really well! I had to take this survey/test thing called the Reid Test (i think??) and it was to "get to know me". LOL! Basically, it asked about what I thought about employees stealing from companies and how I would handle if I knew someone was stealing blah blah blah, there were some questions about drug use and if I'd submit to a drug test (sure why not? i have nothing to hide. lol) and yeah, it was a stinkin scan-tron which I really dislike, and 100 questions at that, but it only took me 15-20 minutes so that's not awful or anything and hey if it gets me the job, I don't care! lol. I have to go back for a 2nd interview though, to meet the store manager and be interview by her, but I'm not worried =) I believe God has placed me there for a reason, I mean, there has to be a reason I was so warmly accepted when I went to apply right? I have a really really good feeling about this place. NOT TO MENTION, working in a store with kids all day long? That is like one of THE best jobs EVER in my book =)
AND THEN...last night =( Just a little after midnight, I was just about to get offline ( I was talking to some peeps) and my computer just...shut off. It crashed. And I could not turn it back on. It said it wasn't letting me on so that it could "protect windows" cuz there was some system error. SO....I'm freaking out. I canNOT afford another computer, not to mention all of the priceless memories and stuff that are on there that I can never get back if it crashes...SOOO many pictures and SOOO much music *cries* so many things that are important to me. Why does this keep happening to me with my computers???? *sigh* Can't my life just go smoothly for like...ONE day? Please??? Okay I'm done ranting now but really, HOW can this be happening?
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