a love story?

alright, a little explanation here... i was filling out a random survey on facebook just to relax & kill some time, i hadn't done one in ages and well, i got to this question, the final one, and i don't know, these words just began flowing and when i finished it i realized wow that was so not me but okay i'm sharing it here for everyone to read. enjoy.

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE?

well, it started out with me thinking i never needed anyone.

miss independent as it were, i knew back then i didn't deserve love.

well, from the day we met, he had his eyes and heart set on me.

but i refused to believe anyone could love me as messed up as i was.

so instead of trying to love him back...i ran from him.

tried to prove to him that he shouldn't love me, that i was too screwed up inside.

hurt myself, screwed with my body, sunk into a major depression.

i knew then that i needed love but i was also aware i could never deserve it...

but..he was still there, saying hey you, i love you with everything i have, and boy

did he have everything...except me. he didn't need something as messed up as me.

i told him, "this is it, i'm too messed up my life isn't worth it anymore" and i got ready

to end it as it were. i figured he would leave me then, finally see me as i was.

but he didn't.

instead of finally letting me go, he reached so hard that he gave up HIS life for my own.

as much as i knew i needed to die, he said, no.

he said, i've got this one. i love you THIS much.

i watched as he gave up his perfect life for my own pathetic excuse of being alive.

and as i saw his agony, saw how much he truly loved me, saw the extreme he would go to just to

show me a glimpse of that love...that undeserved perfect unconditional love...

i couldn't resist him any longer.

i gave in and said okay you can have me, all of me, it's still not enough but you are more than worth it.

i fell down crying, yet covered in his love.

such perfection.

and it's not over.

everyday i fall more in love with him than i ever knew was possible.

he's given me a reason to live, meaning, passion, and a PURPOSE.

falling in love with Jesus...

it's a constant love story.

something's rising, changing, trying to break free...

i need a change. something drastic.

i've been feeling like this for at least a week now...it's something i can't put my finger on yet i know SOMETHING has to change. it feels like my world is too predictable... too comfortable. in so many ways i feel safe, and i'm finding it very hard to keep myself going day after day knowing nothing has really changed.

don't get me wrong, i am still seeking God, still living for Him, hopefully growing in my relationships with people and with God.... it's just... too easy it feels like.

this weekend i was uprooted from my normalcy and thrust into situation after situation where i had no control over anything, i was tossed by the waves of unpredictability.

it was... good for me, no GREAT for me.

i was praying a lot more (though i have been, not that that's anything terribly new) but there was that and God was just speaking to me SO much...hearing His voice has become my new favorite thing...now that i'm listening better...it's just awesome. He wasn't kidding when He said His sheep know His voice..it's just incredible.

anyway.

there were some amazing realizations i had, some really great time i just spent RELAXING...no computer, no people calling me...i had my phone and was texting and well tweeting a lot but i didn't feel so tied down, it was amazing.

i belong on the road. this was one of my major discoveries.

living in one place doing the same thing day after day is not what i should be doing.

the unpredictability is something i NEED.

maybe i'll buy a hippie bus and drive across the U.S. going to shows and listening to stories.

really though... i need a change.

what's the difference?

okay i could REALLY use some feedback on this.

if you really truly care about someone, you don't and won't want to hurt them. you'll do anything you can to make their life easier. even if it makes you miserable right?

so when i say it's a waste for someone to fly halfway across the united states, i'm not saying it because i don't want to see that person. i don't say it because i'm trying to keep them at a distance or push them away. i say it because i know of SO many things that said person could use that money for. i say it because i would rather that person use that money for a meet and greet for their favorite band or on books for another semester to ease their burden and make life better. not because i don't want to see them.

is this just stupid or is it justifiable?

to blog or to scream?

i'll blog. i'm so frustrated with sooo much right now. frustrated with where i stand with God, frustrated with relationships, frustrated by the fact that i'm sick with a cough and a cold just mere days before the concert i've been looking forward to for months, annoyed that i'm feeling like this, sick of feeling like this, wishing i could just snap out of it and wake up or something because all i feel is madness. i want to snap and just scream out loud. when my parents look at me and congratulate me for how perfect i am i just want to scream in their faces that i'm not that i need to be free to make mistakes that i need to be free.

note: this blog was written the thursday before the disciple concert.

wow. reading this and then knowing how i am now...is incredible. i am only posting this so i can look back and see the change. for those who are wondering, yes, i am blogging about the show just please be patient i can only "write" during certain times and i've been very busy lately. it's a good third of the way done so stay tuned.

short update

i realize i've not been posting again but i really don't have anything to post ABOUT... i celebrated my 20th birthday yesterday and am actually officially CELEBRATING it on friday at a concert. disciple and decyfer down, i'm thrilled ♥ i'm not sure at this point whether i'm going with jen or not but i know my little sister is going with me and i'm very excited about that because her liking christian rock is a HUGE step. i'm sooo excited she's been asking to borrow my skillet cd's and my disciple stuff. she's been hacking my itunes all the time from her desktop computer and just yesterday she stole my ipod (while laughing of course) because she would rather listen to my music than hers, it makes me incredibly happy. umm and i realize i never DID get around to blogging about my kenosha visit like i said i would and i apologize i just got really crazy busy and never actually got around to making a coherent blog, and also a lot of the things that were revealed to me and happened were pretty personal so maybe i shouldn't blog about them anyway *shrugs* anywho, i DID turn in my application for SOW and i didnt actually audition but the whole app is in aside from the audition so **crosses fingers** i guess only time will tell... i'm really nervous about it though, i always worry so much i should really stop that. ugh its after 12 and i still need to edit this video footage for my little sister's spanish project. **yawn** i can sleep when i'm dead right? lol. okay well that's a little update for you hopefully i will blog after the concert on friday =) i don't even think anyone reads this anymore but that's okay. peace. ♥