sometimes the only way to see through the dark is by the starlight

Ever since I created this blog, I've been searching for a title that I feel accurately describes it and to be honest, I've searched pretty deeply for the right one and nothing I came up with felt completely right....until this one.

Elenkalina

~sometimes the only way to see through the dark is by the starlight~

This came to me today shortly after I read Elraen's most recent blog post. In her blog she wrote, "...seeing the “Whispers in the Dark” lyrics in Emerwen's g-chat status in April of 2007 and asking what song it was, because the lyrics were so beautiful" and I began to think about the song itself and just exactly what it means to me.

Some of you who read this know, although most do not know, that last summer I came incredibly close to committing suicide. If it were not for the song "Whispers in the Dark" by Skillet and it's chorus of No! You'll never be alone! When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars, hear the whispers in the dark, I would not be sitting here typing this.

So anyway, I was considering all of this when the idea for my blog name came to me. Funnily enough, Elraen was the one who helped me with the name Elenkalina :] I was trying to figure out how to make it say "starlight" and it was originally Elenkulina, but she helped me fix it...I'm glad someone knows what they're doing! :P

Basically, that's the meaning of my blog title...this is my place to create and express myself, somewhere I can go when everything IS dark and I cannot see. It's my own space and I hope that someday I can look back on this and the posts I am making and see how I am different and learn how I've changed and realize what God has been doing when I cannot see it.

~Liz

Imperative.

Okay, I have not written anything, anything creative or for myself in a very long time. No poetry, no short stories, nothing. Papers for school, oh yeah I've written tons, but this is the first poem I've written in a long time.

WARNING!!! TO SOME, THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING. IF YOU ARE EASILY UPSET, OR IN A STATE TO BE TRIGGERED, DO NOT READ THIS. I REPEAT, DO NOT READ THIS.

Please do not judge me on it, but please DO leave comments and suggestions and things.

No, I have NOT self injured, this is just a poem to express feelings and thoughts.

Imperative.

3.30.09

Empty feeling

Heavy breathing

A speeding, racing heart.

Want to feel it

Can't resist it

No way to stop once I start.

Hold it tightly

Hold it steady

Don't want to miss my mark.

Shaking hand

Nervous hand

Fingers dancing with my fate.

Slowly moving

Ripping, tearing,

Crimson drops begin to fall.

Shallow breathing

Calming, feeling

To my knees I finally fall.

Obscure Dream from Last Night

So....I totally had this obscure dream last night and it had a friend in it...and it was just odd and had a feeling to it like it could come true, so that's weirdness for me...anywho:


I was at this coffeehouse type place and I was pretty down and depressed and Skillet was performing (who else? lol) and it was kind of a dark and dingy kinda place and I was slouched
over on a table in the back corner while Skillet was soundchecking. I had come alone because...I just, WAS alone, (idk lol) and John's up checkin his bass and Jen's bangin on her drums and they step offstage for whatever bands do before they actually perform and I went up to get a cup of something to drink and during this whole dream, my pretense of being at the concert is to see Skillet in concert one last time before killing myself pretty much (it's just a dream people) and so I'm very sad and down and I'm thinking "one more shot of caffeine before i'm done" and I don't even bother to see who is behind me in line or around me for that matter, I'm too lost in my own thoughts. My order is up and I pass the cash to the clerk behind the counter and make my way back to my seat, not even bothering to wait for my change.

As I locate my seat in the dark coffeehouse, I flip open my bag and pull out a tattered composition book. The cover of this book I have inscribed with "The End"; it's the place I have chosen to record my last thoughts.

Sitting in the 'Corner Coffee' coffee shop, waiting for the show to begin... I pen down with a burgundy colored ink. One last cappuccino before....and one last Skillet show before.... As I'm struggling to finish these phrases, a very familiar riff begins and before I know it, the lights have faded to an eery dimness and Skillet has begun rocking the walls off the shop. I just sit there, feeling so numb to the world that when John bellows out "YOU'RE BREAKING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" I feel nothing...not a thing. I am sure God has completely abandoned me at this point (note: this is JUST a dream!!) and though I cannot shed a tear, the urge is there and I have to release it somehow, so I grab my bag and rush to the bathroom, not realizing it as my notebook clatters to the floor.

I push my way past the scratched wooden door and as I close the stall door behind me, I drop to my knees, letting my bag come to a stop beside me. Reaching into a very familiar compartment, I pull out a very friendly foe, a blade I know all too well. Frantic is the word I would use to describe the way I roll up my sleeve, only to be ashamed at the sight I am forced to see... I search for a blank spot to do what I feel I must, and with no success, I force open old wounds.

As soon as I can breathe normally again, I collect myself, clean up and trudge to the sink where I take care of all evidences that I had just cut. I dab my moist arm with a paper towl and push it to the bottom of the garbage can. I get my sleeve rolled down just in time because the bathroom door is opening a crack. "Just a moment" I mutter and as I glance up, I nearly faint because of the face I see....

"Mary! What are you doing here?!?!" I can barely choke the words out, as I hastily cram my blade back into my bag, hoping she won't notice.

"Liz! I'm so glad to see you!!" she squeals as we embrace each other. "I was in the area, visiting a friend who happens to live about thirty minutes away from here. While I was driving to her house, my sister called to inform me Skillet was performing at this coffee house and well, I don't think I have to explain the rest..." she winks.

"Aww! Well I'm soooo glad you are here!" I exclaim. Secretly, I hope she does not notice the look in my eyes or realize my sleeve is still wet from the water I did not get mopped up.

"Well, to be completely honest..." she hesitates, "I was behind you in line when you ordered your coffee and I hadn't realized it was you until I returned to my seat and you took off for the rest room....you see, because you left in such a hurry, I think...this fell out of your bag..." Before I can think twice about what would have fallen out, she produces my suicide journal.

"Oh, yeah, that..." I mumble nervously, "It's um, a project for school, I have to write this paper and--" But, she cuts me off "Liz, please do not get angry, but I'd wondered who it belonged to, and so, I...I kind of read a little bit of the latest entry... and..."

Before I can even start to blush, she grabs me in the most secure hug ever.

"Liz I do not want you to go through with this." she looks at me nervously, trying to read my face. "You know this isn't right, please don't leave this world this way. You're here seeing Skillet, this just doesn't make sense to me, can you help me understand what you're going through?"

She lets me go and holds me by the shoulders. "Just tell me one thing...have you been cutting again?" I look away and barely whisper, "Just a little..." as she reaches for my arm, I go limp and fall to my knees, not able to stand anymore, just too weak. I can't even bear to see what her face looks like as she rolls up my shirt sleeve, can't even breathe straight. Pretty soon, tears of shame flood my eyes and I cannot stop crying.

Mary just hugs me and whispers, "It will be okay, it will be okay..." Until the tears slow to a stop she just sits with me and hugs me. "Do you think you'll be able to come back to the concert?" she asks.

"Yes," I answer confidently, "I can feel...everything now...I'm not numb anymore...and I know it will all be okay." As I finish my sentence, I feel a smile form at the corners of my mouth...something I haven't known for many months.

"Alright! Let's go hurt our necks headbanging!" Mary gushes excitedly as we practically run out the door.



and the last thing I remember about the dream was headbanging in front row to "The Last Night" with Mary beside me, and looking up at John Cooper & seeing him wink at me, like he knew everything.


A very bizarre dream altogether, but well, it's not like I planned it...I can't believe I even remember it all... but, well, Mary, even though it was just a dream, thank you...from the bottom of my heart <3 3 ="]

Free. Freedom. Grace. Forgiveness. Love.

Free. Freedom. Grace. Forgiveness. Love.



Today, for the first time in...awhile.... I experienced all five of these....all kind of at the same time...it was incredibly overwhelming, but in a good way...in a very good way. I don't completely understand how it works, but I know it happened. So what went down to bring this about? I'm glad you asked :)

Tuesday...today...was incredibly busy and crazy for me. I did not sleep well last night at all (when do I ever?!) and so I let myself sleep in until 9 and even though I was still half dead, I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for SGA stuff. I had a March Committee/Rec Room Committee meeting at 11 and then at 12:30 we had our weekly SGA meeting. After that, Mary and I had to do sidewalk chalk for the March Madness Brackets and I was even able to talk some people into filling out a bracket.

As soon as I finished cleaning up from the chalk, I was off to my car and headed back to the Burg. I made a quick pit-stop at home to grab Liz Vogel's birthday present & card and to change my shoes then I was off again, this time I was headed to the church. On Sunday night, I had asked Ben if he had any books for learning about Christianity (for a friend of mine who has an interest in things, but no background or history of the basic workings of Christianity). At the time, Ben was getting ready to leave (this was after X-Roads) and I said no problem, I'd stop up later on this week. Considering I'm leaving for Empower on Thursday, and have classes all day on Wednesday, I knew Tuesday would be my only available time to stop and see him. My plan was to stop by & see Ben, get the book(s) and then be off once more to visit my bestie on her birthday :)

Well, when I arrived at church, I knew Kathy would be in the sound booth working on worship team stuff (cuz I'd seen her car when I pulled in) and I figured I might as well say hi and see if Liz happened to be there with her. Of course, Liz was not there (she was doing her schoolwork, lol a very good idea :P ) but I chatted with Kathy for a bit because she told me Ben was in a meeting with someone else, so I figured I might as well wait with her than wait outside Ben's office, so we chatted and she showed me this song called "Healer" by Hillsong. Apparently, the worship team is working on it for the future, so stay tuned folks! Haha, okay, I should skip the radio announcer routine and continue on with my blog...okay so Kathy showed me this vid and we were discussing the music that always tends to walk out of the worship team files and how for one song, just recently, the ENTIRE file disappeared, and how ridiculous it is that people are just taking things when they could at least ask for a copy. Anyway, I must have talked with Kathy for a good 20 minutes, and I decided to go check & see if Ben was done with his meeting with Jeff Shelton, and when I got back by the office, I was kind of sidetracked by Tracy. I love helping her out, and she didn't really have me do anything strenuous but it still distracted me....lol...like many things *rolls eyes*

Anywho, I ended up in Ben's office like half an hour after I first arrived at church...so typical ^_^
And when I walked in, he was listening to the song "Healer" and I think it's funny how him and Kathy think alike, cuz this is the 2nd time that has happened, first with "Overcome" and now with this one...haha it's fun for me. *continuing on with story* Ben was talking about the guy who wrote the song and it was really cool to hear the history of these kinds of songs, because they are so powerful, it just shows how God uses everything, no matter the past of it. Eventually, I asked Ben whether or not he'd found the books he said he'd look for and he started pulling a few off his shelves and handed me 3 so I get to look those over so I can get them to my friend, and hopefully they will help answer some of her pressing questions.

I was just making up my mind to leave and head off to Liz's when Ben looked at me and said "I feel like there is something you need to be free of, and I hope you don't mind me asking and saying this, but are you okay with me bringing this up?" (or something to that effect, like I can remember exact words.) And I was kind of hesitant, because, sometimes you just never know what's going to happen when people say that, but I trust Ben completely and I swallowed and said "Sure, okay, what's up?" And he started talking about something that had come up nearly 2 years ago, with a situation and a couple of emails we had exchanged and after he had said it, I think he had thought I had lied to him about something, but it was just a circumstance that could have been me lying (but actually was not, it was just a misunderstanding with him) and after we had settled it, he asked if we were "cool" (haha old people trying to be hip...just kidding Ben, you're um...very...young ;)

Well, 5-10 minutes later I did finally leave church and I was on my way to Liz's house, ipud cranked up with some Skillet and the breeze blowing through my car. It wasn't until I was nearly to her house that I realized, something in my soul, my spirit, something...had lifted and felt lighter...I was very much confused and I guess the conclusion I have come to was that there really was something there weighing me down, something I hadn't even known existed until today. I still do not completely understand what happened, what changed, what's different, but I know there's something...and it's for the better and definitely not worse. So if anyone has any insight here on what happened, that would be appreciated....

Now how does this all relate to the first 5 words of this blog? Free: how I feel, even though I cannot explain it. Freedom: what I am working on, there are still a few things I need to release to God, really hard things, but I'm working on it, it goes hand in hand with this situation, there is more freedom now than before. Grace: something I'm experiencing in a new way, partially because of this situation, but mostly over other issues that I am dealing with. Forgiveness: something very hard for me to accept right now. I'm really struggling with it, which seems totally stupid because it's such a simple concept. Love: something that correlates with each of the other words, something I really really struggle with almost everyday. All of these pertain to this blog because in some way, each word is bound to what happened today, and not just the thing with Ben, but other stuff I didn't mention.

So yeah. Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Woo.

a hopeful song for the days when things seem so impossible

"Light Up Ahead" --by Further Seems Forever




Take this heart of darkness
I give it up
and all the emptiness
you fill it up
the times that I feel nothing
you bring enough
so I can live for something
you lift me up

and all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
and when I can't see
I wake up to your eyes

Wake me up
there's a light up ahead
there's a light up ahead (yeah)
there's a light up ahead
wake me up
there's a light up ahead

Wake me up
it gets so complicated
if you live enough
turn in to what you hated
you're breaking up
The times I feel like nothing
you bring enough
So I can live for something
You lift me up!

and all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
and when I can't see
I wake up to your eyes

Wake me up
there's a light up ahead
there's a light up ahead (yeah)
there's a light up ahead
wake me up
there's a light up ahead

when you can't sleep, are very upset over being ditched and need something to do, surveys happen

1. I love... being outside and exploring.
2. Right now I want... people to stop flaking out on me.
3. I feel like... leaving this place and telling no one where I'm going.
4. I hate it when... people say one thing and then turn around and forget about you.
5. I fear... being alone forever.
6. I'm lonely without... friends by my side like the old days.
7. I need... just one person.
8. Today I... should have studied for psychology instead of waiting for people who weren't ever coming.
9. Tomorrow I'm... church, studying, xroads
10. I just... want to leave this place and never look back.
11. I want to meet... someone who I can talk to when I'm lonely.
12. I'm hungry for... nothing.
13. I love it when... I have no responsibility and the weather is great and I can go where I wish and get away.
14. I'm afraid of... same as the fear question.
15. I'm listening to... whispers in the dark by skillet, its helping me hold on tonight.
16. I'm wearing...my tree hugger shirt. it rocks. oh and jeans.
17. I wish I was in... my Savior's arms. at least I wouldn't be alone there.
18. I'm craving... a hug.
19. I want to get... free.
20. I can... do many things.
21. I can't... be happy and I hate it.

22. I have.... a desire to have someone hold me and refuse to let go.
23. I haven't... been happy and really smiled in almost 2 years.
24. I'm nervous to... let anyone in and trust them. Betrayed once again.
25. My Mom thinks I'm... don't even get me started on the things my mother wishes she could change about me. just don't.
26. My Dad thinks I'm... not beautiful. guess what? he is right.
27. I think... too much.
28. I'm happy when... haha. happy. yeah right.
29. I'm sad when.... I see people being happy and living their lives and I feel trapped, like I'm stuck behind a glass wall and no one can hear me, and I'm not allowed to be like them...not allowed to be happy.
30. I like eating... I really don't like eating.
31. I hate eating... meat.
32. I love watching.... House..its one of the very only things that makes me smile when there are jokes.
33. I love listening to... music. I hate silence. It reminds me of how alone I am.
34. I like playing... with my nieces...especially Allie...I really miss her.
35. I hate waking up to... my parent's demands.
36. I can see... that my life isn't going anywhere. I'm trapped.
37. I'm glad that... my life will end someday. This misery will not be forever.
38. I'm disappointed that... life is just getting worse and worse.
39. I look like... the most unbeautiful thing you have ever seen.
40. I wish I looked like... certain actresses. I'm just not that pretty.

"Losing Focus" a poem inspired by a photo of Elraen's

One man sees the links of a chain
His sin, his bondage clearly viewed.
Unable is he to look past the pain,
Again in Christ does he refuse to be renewed.

His comrade, on the other end,
Looks to the beauty of the day.
With focused eyes his soul may mend,
For peacefully in Christ shall he stay.

Some Barlow Thoughts

So, tonight I had the opportunity to go see Barlowgirl at UW Platteville....and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. LOVE those girls!! They're so REAL!! Okay, so I will tell the story from my perspective from our arrival at the center for the performing arts until it was over... :)


The whole thing started when I got home from a looong morning at church and immediately took off to pick up my friend Hannah so we could finish our shirts. We got back to my house and had our shirts finished JUST in time for Kelly and Andrew to show up...hair fix, makeup perfected and we were off. Let me tell you, cramming 3 teenagers into the back of a standard sized car was no comfortable task. (did I mention that none of us are sticks either? yeah...we have booties :) Well, we got in and somewhat situated (as comfortable as was possible with 3 of us crammed in there) and we took off. On the way to Platteville, we stopped in Spring Green and had dinner at the Culver's there (very speedy mind you) and we were off again, more driving to be done. Finally we got to our destination and I stepped out of the car to realize just how chilly it was...I did NOT have the right amount of layers for how warm I usually need to be...haha...I was wearing a t-shirt and a fleece "jacket" (it's more of a sweatshirt, but I consider it a light jacket). It was cold okay? lol. Well, we got inside and Andrew said, "You should call the guy who has our tickets" (my friend goes to UW platteville and he had gotten the tickets for us, but he could not attend the concert so a good friend of his was to be our "dealer" haha.) and so I called Eli, but...he didn't answer his phone... (yes, my chest kind of constricted here). Well, we were just over half an hour early so I decided it was no sweat. Well, 20 minutes later...yes, 10 minutes to the concert, he STILL had not called back and at this point, I could see on Kelly, Andrew, Hannah and Valerie's faces that they were starting to feel disappointment and that we would not be able to see Barlowgirl after all. This was a VERY bad thing for me to realize....because I absolutely HATE letting people down and as the seconds ticked by, I was closer and closer to breaking down and crying...I was on the verge of a breakdown and...looking back it terrifies me because I have not felt that hopeless and like a failure that much for MONTHS...I was having flashbacks to my summer depression and the horrible things that resulted from it...I was frightened I was going to tip off the edge and be lost to my numbness and deep depression again...and to make matters worse, there were TONS of people around and I could barely breathe. My chest was so tight I feared my lungs would cave in.

A little over 7 minutes to showtime, my phone starts vibrating....ELI CALLED ME BACK. I was saved, and my chest let up a little...after trading him the cash for the tickets, I began to be able to breathe again and my head started to clear.

Andrew and Kelly led the way to our seats and...we were literally 5 feet (maybe less) away from the girls!!! I know it made Kelly happy...Barlowgirl is to her, what Skillet is to me...without the total obsessiveness ^_^ I kept taking pictures and taking pictures and the music was swirling around me, and there is no better place to be than in the midst of the music (as many of you I know can attest to since I know there are a few music junkies who read this blog!!)

Next I know, Alyssa is starting the first few notes of "I Believe in Love" and I've frozen. I can't think or breathe or anything....I absolutely LOVE that song...and to hear them sing it live was an experience. The chorus of the song: "I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent." was written on the wall of a concentration camp...ever since I read that fact, I tear up whenever I hear the song. Well, to make things emotionally worse for me, our church service this morning was directed toward the thought of "let yourself be loved by God" and...that is exactly what the girls were preaching tonight... So often I seal myself off from others...I don't talk about how I feel, I keep it all inside and only when I am alone do I (maybe!!) allow myself to shed some tears...I've repressed emotions for years because I have always been taught (not necessarily by words but by actions and responses) that showing emotions is showing weakness...but when Alyssa's tears started coming down during "Never Alone"...I couldn't stop mine.

I wish I could say that I feel free of the burdens I've been carrying and that I've let myself BE loved by God...but things are not that way...at least not today, not right now...I want that freedom, but I'm so lost at how to truly find it, and I seem unable to find the way to the brokenness I need to receive that freedom....I just pray I find it before it's too late.

Anyway, onto a different note, after the concert, we got to meet the girls and it was absolutely fantastic. The sign of mine that Beka Hardt (totally not sure I spelled her first name correctly?) almost fell over and died from, I got autographed (the one side said, "We <3>

And if this blog didn't make any sense, that is okay. It is 12:45 in the morning, I am EXHAUSTED and I'm just kind of pouring thoughts out because if I don't, I KNOW I a) won't sleep properly tonight [[not that that will make a difference anyways...but its worth a try]] and b) I will forget some things if I don't get them out now...oh and I guess.. c) if I type this stuff all out now, I can expose the parts of me that, say tomorrow, I may choose to hide again, and I know letting it out is better in the end, so judge me how you will, these are my thoughts and this is how I feel. It's my life in my own words.