"i feel like i need to come to Kenosha"
"then do it!!"
these words have been spoken to me twice in the last week by two people who did not know the other had talked to me. let me explain a little further.
i feel change coming.
and i am afraid.
i know there is a time of growing and changing coming up, it's in the distance, yet i can make out the blurry outlines of some of it. within me, i can feel excitement brewing, my heart is leaping at the opportunity, but's it's also very guarded. i have been hurt and it's not quick to let me forget that pain... but i know that i must choose to move past these fears, move past the familiar, far beyond comfort, to something completely new.
what do i know? what do i see?
i see moving. to a new town, a new place.
i know i am going to be stretched and grown.
i know that i am going to have expectations of me that i cannot fulfill.
i see myself trying to please people and failing.
because i know i must learn to fail.
i must learn to not look for the approval of man.
i must only seek the approval of the Lord.
i've forgotten that.
....
this post is really scattered. it's very reflective of my current mind though.
i was just listening to 'desert song' by hillsong united and was totally wrapped
up in that for some time. i was definitely captured by the line
"all of my life, in EVERY season, You are still God,
i have a reason to sing, i have a reason to worship"
why is it so hard for me to remember that? to believe it??
it's nearly 3 in the morning and i am trying to wrap my head around all of the situations
in my life, every different season i have been in and how God has ALWAYS been
there SO FAITHFULLY. He loves me SO MUCH. just loving.
and He hasn't ever once given up on me. it makes my heart so faint
to even think of, to comprehend just a mere fraction of the love He has!
through the season of school, through the low time afterwards, trapped in depression, then to the year i was in college and so uncomfortable with everything, so very alone...and then to finding new friends, to that moment in lifest where i was alone but given a promise, and then when He led me to my job and then to my second job and the visits to kenosha and ALL OF THESE THINGS HE HAS BEEN THERE. i'm just very overwhelmed with love right now. and yes, writing about it. it's been far too long where i've not spoken of these heart matters with hardly anyone and i've hidden them, pushed them aside, ignored them even. i know now that doing so will never amount to anything good.
dear friends who have been standing with me, even those who have distanced themselves, but have continued to pray and to encourage. especially to the ones who have continued fighting for and with me, most noted in my mind, with the times that i have been too weak to do so myself. if you read this, you ought to know who you are, you also very much need to be aware that i appreciate your friendships more than you probably know ♥ c,h,m,j,m and a. thank you.
i'm getting very much fuzzy headed right now since it is 3 a.m. so i believe this is a solid post now. thank you all for reading and i'm sure i will posting more in the next few days because i have much more to say especially on the topics of trust and faith and friendship, alas the words are all mooshing together =)
