thursday, october 7, 2010, i went to Rhinelander, WI with my friend jen and jared to see thousand foot krutch, disciple, and ivoryline perform...but mostly for disciple.
to fully understand this concert and the impact it had on me, you first need to understand where i'm coming from emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
the last couple of months have been beyond tough for me.
holding on is harder to do when the waiting seems to be forever.
things had gotten so bad i had, at one point, lost hope completely, and was on the verge of taking my own life. this is the story of how God used people, places, and one incredible concert, to change all of that.
Alright, let's begin with the dark, since it's much more pleasant to speak of the light, the dark is needed for contrast and though i have much shame for how it was, that shame does not hold me, because i know there are greater things to come out of all of this and every individual thing that is happening is to bring about a better ending, there is purpose in all of this.
Setting: 1 and a half to 2 months ago.
Lonely. Depressed. Bluntly suicidal.
Not really caring about anything anymore.
A series of events happened that threw me back into this ridiculous darkness and i got stuck in the mindset of it doesn't matter because i had set an end goal. In October, Disciple was coming to wisconsin and i was going to see them and it was going to be the very last fun thing i did before i died. Plain and simple that was what i had planned, i had everything written out in a notebook, down to the last detail. i thought i was ready. i truly believed i had nothing left.
and then, i had an experience one day.
i awoke one morning to my home being silent (which is rare) and being there all by myself
(rarer still). on that day, from the very second i woke up i was being attacked, from all sides. it was about 2 weeks away from the Disciple concert i was going to and i was literally hearing, "why wait until then? you don't have any reason to wait." "do it now." "you're home alone, no one will know for hours" "you're not worth 2 more weeks of life" and i was just so fed up with feeling so HEAVY and finally my knees hit the floor and through my tears i could barely whisper, 'Jesus, please' and then in this most terrible, beautiful, POWERFUL voice i heard, "ENOUGH!! I've already fought this." and the heaviness was gone, and i could breathe again.
later that day when i was speaking to one of my very close friends, she flat out told me "i'm not angry with you for what you've decided to do, but i want you to know that if you go to that concert in that frame of mind, with those plans in your head, everything those guys are going to say and do will be in vain, they don't want you to do this, i don't want you to do this and God certainly doesn't want you to do this."
that gave me a lot to think about.
and well, i was feeling much better, things were okay for once, and so i was able to surface and take a couple deep breathes before it went under again. this time, i wasn't decided, i was wrestling day and night with my decision and whether or not to go through with my plan.
not that i even really have to say it, but "Horseshoes and Handgrenades" really helped me through this time, especially the songs "Eternity" and "Invisible". There were days (and plenty of nights) where I spent hours with those songs on repeat clinging to hold on and not give up, with all the strength i had within me. those songs kept me afloat.
when i finally began to resurface, i was so grateful to Disciple for those songs and for how their ministry impacted my life at that time. they had their message boards with encouraging topics about biblical things, about hard things, a place to joke around, an incredible community. ( www.disciplerocks.com ) and so i made up my mind to write Kevin Young (lead singer) an email message thanking him for everything, something he could share with the rest of the band to hopefully show, even if only in a small way, just how grateful i was for them. and so i wrote him this email:
Dear Kevin,
I’ve gone back and forth over the last 3 days on whether or not to send this to you or not and finally I decided you guys deserve to know that before it’s release date, HS & HG is already making an impact on lives all over.
Just a few weeks ago, I had lost hope and was planning, down to the last detail, my suicide.
I’d lost a lot of things very important to me and was sick of myself, sick of pain, sick of living.
I’ve been a cutter for 7 years and just recently relapsed into that as well.
Well, then I downloaded the album and started listening to it and I though, “hey I’ll go to the show in Rhinelander on October 7th and have one last fun night before I go.” So, the next week I figured I’d listen to the album and learn the lyrics to the songs since I figured that would be the bulk of the show and kept getting caught by 3 songs, dear x, eternity, and invisible. Eternity is the reason I didn’t just end it right there, I’m not going to pretend there was any other reason because well, I want to see Jesus and that song kept reminding me of that day so I was like, I’ll wait, I’ll wait… and then Invisible would make me tear up and cry every single time because the line “I need you to believe me, can you trust me, that what you see is not what I see, the reflection in the mirror’s telling lies, cuz nothing you have done can change how much I love you” really hit me super hard. Still does.
One night I was arguing with my friend (WanderingStar here on the boards) with all the reasons I didn’t need to live anymore and she flat out told me, “If you go to that concert with the intention of killing yourself the next day then what those guys are getting up there to do, the reason they’re doing all of this, will be wasted” which was the first time I actually stopped to really think about what I was doing.
Long story short, I’m still here and I don’t plan on leaving.
Now, I know you lead an intensely busy life and I don’t really expect a reply to this but I just really wanted to thank you guys (all of you so feel free to share this with everyone) from the bottom of my heart & soul for what you do. I wouldn’t be here without you guys.
So, when you get on that stage in Rhinelander, WI for the Creation Tour, just know that I’m in that crowd because of you guys.
♥Liz
in an unforeseen gesture, something i had hardly believed to happen, he read it, read it to the guys and then REPLIED to me, which, at the time, floored me. i was in a place of feeling so worthless and insignificant that an email message that probably took him a minute to write and send, touched my heart in ways i don't think he will ever know. this is what he said:
Liz,
that was probably the best email I have ever received. I just want you to know that you made the release day of our new CD one of the best days ever with that story.
I could not hold back the tears as I was reading your email. I want you to know that God's love for you is the most intense reality in the universe. His plan for you is real. The destiny He has for you is real. The gifts He has given you are special. You have purpose. You have life for a reason.
There are so many people that are dealing with the same things that you have been going through. I believe God will use you very soon to help bring people out of their pain, because you will be able to say to them, "I know how you feel."
I feel very blessed and thankful that God has touched your life through our music. Your message to me means more to me than you will ever know. Never give up. It's worth the pain. There is no trial or temptation that is too big for God. You can do all things through Christ. You are a daughter of God. And you are my sister in Christ. God bless you Liz.
Kevin
i cried many tears reading this email many times over.
it was the start of a healing process i didn't even know was happening.
fast forward, to october 7, 2010
day of the concert, jen came over around 11:30-12 am and we loaded up her car with all the goodies we had specifically purchased for the Disciple guys, and we took off for Rhinelander, Wisconsin... a good 3 and a half hour car trip. we didn't mind the drive one bit, it seemed quite short to us really, there was so much excitement and anticipation, so much to laugh and talk about, the time passed almost as though we were merely driving half an hour.
time-- 4:00pm
place--rhinelander highschool.
we had made it to our destination with very little issue at all, and were excitedly chilling outside in the grass and the warm sun, waiting til it was a good time to head on in... after separating goodies for the guys into individual bags, we loaded ourselves up with their stuff and headed indoors.
first thing we saw when we entered was Kevin Young himself, setting up the Compassion table, what he does for that is so incredible, i pray all the time that i will be able to sponsor a child someday ♥
anyway, i looked at jen, she looked at me, i took a deep breath and we marched on over to say hi.
kevin just smiled and looking down at what we had in our hands said "what's this?" and we answered him and showed him the bag full of monsters and he just grinned and went to shake hands and begin introductions and he says and you girls are... and i said "i'm liz" and he looked at me with a knowing look, "oh! YOU'RE liz!!" and i reached to shake his hand but he grabbed me into a totally unforeseen hug and while he gave me the best hug of my life, he said to me, "i am SO glad you're here. this is such a blessing." and i started tearing up and was like what? i never cry in front of people! but once again, healing was happening and i had no idea.
kevin then proceeded to hug and greet jen, shake hands with jared and then he said, "hey i gotta finish setting up the compassion table, just wait a couple minutes and i'll take you back to meet the rest of the guys, they're going to love this!"
so we just hung out for awhile while he set up, checked out the rest of the merch for the bands and chatted for a bit, waiting patiently on kevin, super stoked that we were gonna get to meet everybody else right away, jen and i had talked about this moment sooo many times and it was finally happening, we were so. happy!
once kevin had finished setting up the table, he turns to me (jared and jen had run to the restroom,,,oh long car trips haha) and goes "alright let's go back to our dressing room and find the guys!" and i just grinned and said okay, at the right time, jared and jen came back out and we all went together, kevin, carrying all 6 of the very full grocery bags of goodies...he refused to let us help him carry them at all. instead, we just followed him, quite giddy if i say so myself.
so, we get back into the dressing room and there's trent and andrew chillin at the table and kevin introduces us and we gave them their bags and kevin looks around "where are micah and israel?" "on the bus" kevin -- "oh okay, well, let's go find them" i looked at jen and she looked at me and i knew in our heads we were both like SHUT UP. so we followed kevin out to where the busses were and he opens the door and goes up inside and gestures for us to follow...so we do... far beyond happy. once we're inside, micah tells us to sit down and chill for awhile so we do and in my head i kept feeling SO overwhelmed, just a month ago i wasn't even going to be living past this day and now i was here sitting on their bus, just plain hanging out with the guys. i was smiling but i was holding back tears, and it was getting harder and harder to not flat out turn on the waterworks in front of everyone, it was so overwhelming. i didn't deserve this, how was this happening to me? to us? they don't even hardly know us and they were SO kind and loving, the healing was surrounding and i was drowning in love...and still i had no idea what was really happening.
after about 15-20 minutes, and each of the guys opening their stuff and being super excited (ohh the star wars fruit snacks ahahaha! for those of you who know anything about disciple and their bus, the nerd bell was rung on kevin for something star wars related that i cannot specifically recall) the guys had to jet to go eat some food and get ready for the show. we were far beyond caring that we had to leave, it was a privilege to be allowed on in the first place. so we left with big smiles plastered to our faces and just as jen and i got inside, we discovered we were right by the line for the TFK meet & greet which we had tix for (funny!) so we did that, and met a really lovely gal named Tina who lives decently close to us haha. meeting tfk was fun, not the highlight of my night, but enjoyable all the same, those guys were incredible and kind as well :)
finishing up the meet and greet, we were off to the auditorium to get into the show.
luckily for us, jared had saved us spots in the very front, right directly in front of where micah would soon be.
then ivoryline was up and to be fair, i like them, i've heard them only minorly before this show however, i do love their song "hearts and minds" which they played! so woot for that!! :)
and then... dum dum dum!!!!!!
DISCIPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
their setlist was as follows:
ballad of st. augustine, game on, watch it burn, the wait is over, worth the pain, after the world, dear x (3 epicly killer emotion-provoking songs to have in a row), rise up, scars remain
it was energetic. kevin was the CRAZIEST i have ever seen them live and this was my 5th time seeing disciple live. i don't know how many of those monsters he had before the show.. but it was SO MUCH FUN! 2 days later and my muscles and throat are just as sore as they were the morning after the show. happy injuries :P
once disciple had finished, jen and i decided to give up our front row spots for the people who were there to actually see TFK, because we know what it's like to get front row for your favorite band. and really, we had already seen who we had come to see.
we decided to go wander for a bit (set changes on opening night can take a little longer than they typically would) and we went out by the merch tables again and ended up having a very fun and joyful conversation with Amanda (Andrew's wife, who works their merch for them typically). We got a few things, took that stuff to the car (posters+mosh=bad idea), then headed back inside for tfk's set, which started without us but we weren't too upset. we could still hear them WELL and we were outside the school (just ask jen, i was bouncing around singing the lyrics to "move" haha).
Once we were back inside, we all just grabbed a seat because, to be honest, out of the 3 of us, i'm pretty certain i knew more of tfk's songs than anyone else and even i only knew a few :P but i did take some cool videos (decent quality) and got some pics, which considering we were all the way in the back, were't bad at all. Ivoryline's lead singer (Jeremy) was sitting directly in front of us and playing on his iphone some game that jen recognized and she gasped which made him look and us giggle, but back to the show... a couple songs later, they start playing "Falls Apart" and i had this random burst of energy so i linked elbows with jen and we skipped down the aisle to go up front so we could really rock out to that song (the lyrics were really hitting home to me after everything that had happened) and i must've been rocking too hardcore for everyone else in that area cuz sooo many guys were looking at me and i got a thumbs up from one guy haha it was fun and i really enjoyed that moment :) once the song came to an end, jen and i walked back up to the seats we had staked out to chill for a little while longer. then tfk finished and we were already out the doors heading to wait for the Disciple line (just as they advised us :P ) we kept waiting and waiting cuz we wanted to be towards the end so we could chat with the guys more but we changed our plan and decided to get stuff signed then wait for pics later.
As we made our way to the front of the line, i pulled my "Extraordinary" book by John Bevere out of my bag for the guys to sign (we were reading it together on the boards) and as i came up to the table kevin grins and grabs me and pulls me across the table for a hug (needless to say he wasn't doing that with everyone... cue me trying not to cry again) and then he got excited when asked him to sign my copy of extraordinary and asked what i thought of it which is when i discovered no one in the band except him has finished it haha. and i told him what i'd read so far was incredible and changed a lot of my thinking and he had me hooked on john bevere which made him smile. the book being there brought up some cool comments from the guys and when we got to micah, i asked him very directly, "i'm really dying of curiosity to know what your tattoo says, i'm sure you know which one i'm referring to" and he smiled and said "usually i lie and tell people it's a family prayer, but for you gals, i'll read it, and then he proceeded to tell us what it said and a bit of what it meant and we made a promise to not tell anyone because that's really up to him so don't ask :) moving on to trent, we were joking and laughing about him being new and just had some fun, light conversation, then we stood off to the side still chatting and joking with the guys while other people went through the line. after a few though, we wandered away, jen having mentioned that she really wanted to check out ivoryline's stuff, so we did that and then tfk came out so the disciple line dropped significantly (it was nearly done anyhow) so we meandered back over to get pics and say a few more things to the guys, which we did,
and we got hugs from everyone which was great, but then they had to start loading out so that was cool... only thing was we didn't get to say goodbye to Kevin and something inside told me to not leave yet, and plus i really needed to look him in the eye and say thank you (which never actually happened since i got all choked up, for those who wondered)...
He was working on tearing down the compassion table and a couple people came up for photos and to talk a bit but then they left and it was just me. i kind of felt like i was imposing, i mean, he had to get the table down and get stuff done, so i kind of turned but jen was standing there and she looked at me and goes "no, go." and so i did, i walked up to him and he looked up and smiled and said "what's up girl?" and i started to say that i just wanted to say goodbye and thanks and i didn't even get the whole thing out and he grabbed me and gave me a giant hug which totally cut off ALL words that i had and then i attempted to pull away a bit, i didn't want it to be awkward... but he wouldn't let go. that was something i hadn't expected.
this whole next thing, is very well explained by the video that jen took of him talking to me ( I LOVE HER FOR DOING THAT!!) go ahead and watch it here:
the first words out of his mouth,
"you don't give up okay, cuz you are here for a reason."
and he went on to address VERY specific things that were perfectly stated.
he talked about nights when i'd feel like giving up again,
he told me who i was in Christ.
he told me i was a beautiful princess and his sister.
and then he paused and then went on,
"don't you give up."
and he made eye contact, which, might i add, i was trying to
not have waterworks this whole time so my eyes were full of
unshed tears, and as i looked at his, i saw they were too.
"promise me."
and i promised.
that promise wasn't just to him,
i knew it was to God too.
i don't intend on breaking that promise.
then i asked something that him agreeing to means more to me than a thousand autographed copies of "what was i thinking". i asked him if he had a minute for a quick prayer and he replied,
"i'd love to!" and well, the words he prayed and spoke had me crying the whole time, and let me tell you, it wasn't a short prayer by any means. then he hugged me one final time and we walked out, me still trying to process everything that had just happened to me in a matter of mere minutes.
there was so much healing that happened that night.
i didn't realize it until we got into the car and were leaving Rhinelander... we found a Christian radio station and one song after another... they were just so immaculately timed it was God, i will argue with anyone who disagrees. the first song being "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North which officially broke me. i was in the dark where no one could see my face...and the tears just rolled as i could barely sing along due to the emotion. the next song up? "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. you'd think a person would run out of tears eventually right? wrong! it just kept going for a good 45 minutes...but these tears were SO DIFFERENT than ones i've cried before.
before, when i would shed tears, there would be this ripping aching hole within my chest threatening to explode and shatter me...but for the first time that i EVER knew, that hole was GONE. it was FILLED. there was absolutely NO hurt left there.
so we drove home.
and jen and i talked.
and sang.
and when we got to my house, jared immediately went inside to sleep,
however jen and i went outside to stargaze, yes, at 2 a.m.
and we put on the song "falling star" by disciple.
(which is significant to me in case you didn't know)
and we both looked up to see the BRIGHTEST star streak across the sky.
at the same time we exclaimed, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!"
a little while later, i went inside to sleep and jen went home to do the same.
here's a video i compiled of that day.
"this is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts,
when you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark."
