Poem from Months Ago

I found this poem...its from a few months ago...I had completely forgotten that I had written it...but I think it deserves a place in this blog, so here it is.

Once upon a time
There was a girl who cried
All her tears dried out
And she wanted to die
There was no end to the pain
No one could every understand
There is no way they can
She was ashamed of what she’d be
This girl was me

Once upon a time
There was girl who hated life
She didn’t even want to try
She just wanted to die
But she was stuck in the prison called life
Everyday and every night
Everything turned dark and there was no light
She knew how horrible she’d soon be
This girl was me

Once upon a time
There was a girl who died
She didn’t know it at first
So she continued to try
And stay alive
But she miserably failed
But behind her was trail
That showed all she did
How much she started and how much she bled
This girl was as numb as could be
This girl was me

A Thought.

This song, "The Altar and the Door" is the self titled song off of Casting Crowns' latest album. I had gotten the cd from a friend and listened to it and when I came across this song, I immediately fell in love with it. It's just so heartfelt that I could not resist the lyrics. After reading a couple of interviews, I couldn't help but think that Mark Hall is SO right! So many times, as Christians, we are completely transparent at the altar and before God's throne. We let our weaknesses be known and we are opened and exposed....and then we leave church and for most of us, we forget what we experienced at the altar and we go on with our week as if God did not speak to us. This is not what He wants at all!!! The purpose of calling ourselves Christians is that we are working on becoming more and more like Christ with each day, each MINUTE of knowing Him!!! I'm guilty of doing this as well, I fully believe we all succomb to this particular weakness. There are Sundays where I will be in church and not feel a thing, I'll have my soul closed off from God. All He wants is for me to love Him and let myself be loved in return. There are times when I am singing the songs but I know I'm just going through the motions of it all. My idea is this: let's make an honest effort to carry what we learn at the altar THROUGH to Monday. and Tuesday. and all the way until Saturday and see how our next Sunday's worship has changed. When we realize we are personal representatives for Christ Himself, maybe we will start to take on the responsibility that is ours through our namesake as Christians.

Some Pictures!!!!

Firstly, this is for Elraen :-)



Secondly, this is my new Skillet necklace!!! It's from the Alien Youth era and matches my craziest panhead prize (it was a shirt) :D

Next is my Skillet shirt. It's the "Love God, Love Others, Love Rock" one...and I know that I look like crap but the shirt is the point :)



Lastly is a pic I edited for fun ^_^
This is my friend Kelly Owen-Derse...with my favorite Robert Frost poem quote:





Ohh okay, I cheated...ONE last one :P



It's ME! :D

The Motions <3

Did you know that on iTunes, you can listen to radio stations all over the United States? (and probably the world even!!) Well, I discovered this awhile back and was listening to some instrumental music and stuff and was like, cool, radio stations. Well, today I discovered just how many CHRISTIAN ROCK stations there were!!! Anyway, back to my topic, so I was listening to this one rock station and they had commercial kind of things in between songs for the website (www.notreligion.com) every...oh, 3-4 songs and some of them were cool and I started to tune them out after awhile. Well, I had left my room for awhile and I came back and I sat down at my desk with the intent to write this awesome blog about music and lyrics and then I heard another one of those commercial type things. Except this one really got me. The guy said, "Jesus wants us to ask for things. If you suffer from stress, if you have deeply rooted self-esteem issues, and if you suffer from depression (ouch, totally got me) then all you have to do is ask Jesus to remove these burdens and He will."

I slowly tuned out everything around me and lost myself in thought with this subject. How could I have never thought of this? What about the countless times I have asked God for requests for other people? Why had I never beseeched Him with the things that matter to me? The things ABOUT me? For a good half hour I thought about these things over and over, situations, and events that happened in my life where I really understood what it meant to ask God for something. I became overwhelmed with the feeling of just HOW MUCH God cares about me...little old me....nothing-to-special-about-her....me!

And so I began to pray. I prayed for release from the depression, release from the self-harming thoughts, the guilt and the shame. I prayed and apologized for how much I have de-valued myself...after all, am I not God's own special and unique creation? After over a year of being empty because of the depression I let take hold of me, I became full of God and felt completely whole. I finally came to terms with the darkness inside and made sure I could get a grip on it and not let it ever rule me again. And my current prayer is that, with God's hand and help, I can make it through each and every day without slipping back into that state of numbness and sadness.

So thanks everyone (who reads this anyhow, ie, Elraen =] <3 ) for being understanding, for being there for me and most importantly for praying for me....it really means a lot to have people who care =] <3

much love,
~Liz

The Best Dream Ever Followed by a Day of Failure.

So...here's the lowdown on today and all of my shame pertaining to what happened.

I was checking my facebook before dinner and listening to some good ol' Linkin Park (twilight soundtrack...ya!!) and a friend of mine popped up on facebook chat and started talking to me about this conference in March that my best friend and I are going to to help out and do a VBS kind of thing with the kids....well, the lady in charge of setting up the kids' program, Randy started talking to me about how my best friend did not want to room with me and how I was not going to be working with the same age group of kids she was either. I was very much confused by this because the last I had checked, we were together and both of us were looking forward to the whole thing. Well, apparently Randy said that my best friend had requested to NOT be with me and to room with another friend of ours instead...because her parents are "over protective"...and I know that is a downright lie because her parents know me and do not mind me in the least bit...I'm one of her parent's more favored friends (partially because I don't dress and act skankily). Well anyway, this made me extremely upset. The thought that my BEST friend was ditching me (for the 2nd time in a month) was very much gut wrenching. And as anyone who reads this blog knows, I do not handle my emotions well...especially when I cannot leave my room. So yes, I resorted to something I never should have even considered. And guess what? I can't wear t-shirts for awhile now =( And the guilt. Good lord the guilt.... Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to listen to John Cooper singing about it being the last night I'll spend alone and that I've got a Savior who is there who tells me that "No! You'll never be alone!" And to top THAT all off, in the wee hours of this morning, I had THE best dream I have ever had in my entire life (that I remember of course) I penned it into my dream journal but of course I shall share it here as well. Well, this last weekend I was FINALLY able to get the "Comatose Comes Alive" cd/dvd....my parents would not let me do pre-order because they said "You can wait" and my life has been so incredibly busy that I have not been able to get to one of the larger cities around to purchase it. So, I've been listening to the cd nonstop since getting it and I've been watching the dvd until well after midnight when I am supposed to be sleeping. And well, last night I fell asleep listening to the cd so perhaps that triggered this dream, I do not know. Without further ado: the best dream in the entire world. involving skillet :)

Scene: my backyard, in a funky gray lighting

So I'm the host/person in charge of this giant concert right? And who else is performing but the most amazing band Skillet!!? Well, I'm the director person and when my dream begins I am running around doing things for the show, seeing to it that certain things are done etc etc...basically I am so busy I do not get a chance to even sit down for a moment. Well, after awhile of running around doing things and such, my mother (of all people my mother!!) comes up to me and reports to me that the members of Skillet have arrived and are ready to get their equipment set up and start soundcheck as soon as possible. "Okay" I say, "I'll let the stage hands know." And I'm off again. My first thought is "YES! I WILL FINALLY GET TO MEET JOHN COOPER and the rest of them!!!!" ((this is monumental because John Cooper is my hero and the songs he has written have literally saved my life at key moments)) And I'm super psyched (in my dream). Well, before I know it, the band is set up and on stage and warming up and doing their sound check and the audience is arriving! Oh the people!!! Once again, I am off running around, darting from place to place making sure things are running as smoothly as possible. Well, the next part of the dream I recall, I am at the complete back of the crowd of people and Skillet is performing "Whispers in the Dark" and from that they go straight into "The Last Night"....the two songs that saved my life....and I keep looking and looking but I am so unbelievably far away that I can hardly make out John or Korey or anyone on stage really...and I'm very disappointed. Next memory: the show is over and I am sinking into the most horribly disappointed depression ever. They're gone, and along with them went my one and only chance to meet them. Extremely sad, to the point of sorrow, I sit down on an empty bench, and look around at the aftermath of the show. No one else is around, it is just me, sitting on this bench. ((for the record, there IS no bench in my backyard!!)) and I just put my head in my hands and cry. I cry for quite sometime. My body is bent over and my head is near my knees, my arms laying out for the world to see. For one instantaneous moment, I think that fearful thought "someone is going to see my scars!" and I nearly move my arm, but then I realize I am alone and no one really cares anyways. So I continue crying. At this point, I KNOW my makeup is totally smeared and I'm a mess. I've been crying so hard that breathing has become a task and I try to slow myself down and catch my breath but I just cry harder. Well, after the longest time of crying I finally stop sobbing and tears just slowly trickle down my cheeks and onto the dusty ground. I start to wonder what anyone could see in me as a person and all these negative thoughts bounce around in my head and....someone puts their hand on my left arm...right over my scars, the fresh ones and those that have somewhat faded. My breath catches in my chest and my heart stops. I glance up partially and that is when I see the shoes. I know those shoes. I know who the person is. I look at my arm and notice the tattoo on the ring finger. The tears fall faster now as I look into the eyes of the one and only John Cooper. I am surprised to see that he has tears too...and I realize they are for me. Words fail me and I'm unable to move. The tears keep falling and then John makes a move. He embraces me without a word and simply hugs me. Then he whispers, "You are not alone, from now on you will never be alone." And then I wake up :( that was seriously THE worst time to wake up. You tell me, wouldn't you rather have that dream than your reality??? I know I sure would. *sighs and posts this blog*

Ranting because it's better than the alternatives

Guys. Seriously why did God create them? I just want to yell and scream...run out of my house, stare up into the blue cloudless sky and scream with anger at the God who created all. I feel like I'm the only female in this place who, at my age, has never had a boyfriend!!! I get so angry because there are guys I like and think have good personality qualities and then I'm never able to get to know them or they don't even realize how much I admire them =/

There are 2 guys in particular that I really have my eye on at this point in time, and of course they are both single, I'd never go after a guy that was taken. But yeah, Mark is one, and I KNOW he has no idea I exist, but what else is new? And then there is David...David is really really up there...he is a Christian, believes old fashioned kind of things, and I kind of know him.... I know he's a real honest gentleman, but he also knows how to have fun. He's insanely intelligent and from what I hear, a very talented writer. His major is English as well and that's just awesome...AND he can sing!!!! *sighs* That's on my list of things I want in a guy....for him to be a singer...

I just get SOOOOOO unbelievably angry because I know I'm not beautiful or stunning like any of the other girls around, and heaven knows I don't have the body to make any guy think I'm beautiful, but I still hope, and I hate it because that's how I get myself hurt.

And on TOP of all of that, I already have mixed emotions of self-hate and unhappiness. I swear if I saw a shrink I would get diagnosed with depression, but since I fear being labeled as those kinds of things, I will never go see one. Yeah, an amazing friend from last year told me it would probably help a lot of things, especially handling emotions and dealing with life (instead of the unhealthy ways I choose to use) but there's something holding me back...its almost like I'm not good enough to see people like that. There are people who are way worse off than I am, who have much much better reasons to be unhappy and depressed than I do, and I just can't bring myself to have that kind of thing be part of my life. I mean, it's bad enough to suspect I'm depressed, but to have someone actually tell me that I am would probably just blow me away. Anyway, that is my rant.

Just...Let Me Explain--a poem

Running away from the darkness
Trying to find the light
I am starting to lose all hope
and wanna give up the fight.
Walking through the shadow of death
Trying to find my way out
Everywhere i turn seems to be such darkness
And no one hears me when i shout..
I can yell and scream and cut too
BUT the scars do eventually fade
But still no one is around to care
and my best friend is the blade..
I feel so invisible and alone
And my mask is starting to fade
The tears are starting show
And my heart feels betrayed.
Blood drips to the floor
As i make another cut
No one is around to save me
So its time to sow my heart shut...
Love is one of my greatest fears
One that was used through hurt and pain
The night i stopped feeling love
Was the night i started to feel guilt and shame...
The tears fall so heavily down my face
And my heart is broken and shattered
My life is a mess and falling apart
I am starting to wonder why i even matter
I am like a wilted rose
A rose that has just turned dull and black
No life is left in me anymore,
I am slowing losing it and goin to crack...
Depression has become my life,
And cutting is my only hope
Hiding the hurt and pain under long sleeves
To hide the way i deal and cope..
I say i am fine everythings fine
But really its a lie to cover the pain
And the problems that come my way
To wear it on my wrists is the only way to explain...

**note: this was not written by me, but a friend and I feel like
it portrays my emotions and that is why I post it here**

A Poem

Have you ever felt
Like you're losing all your friends?
They've left you alone
To deal alone.

You lose one because of a mistake
And another because she has no time for you
Pretty soon
, three, four and five all follow suit.

You sit in your room
Filled with pain
Wondering if you can ever
Be happy again.
With perfect cuts on your
Shattered wrists,
You whisper, "Goodbye,
I never asked for this."

**I do not take credit for this poem, I simply like it and agree with its meaning**