A million questions. That's all I've had the last week or so. Have I heard God wrong? Is this really what He wants from me? Where is this going to lead me? No, I'm not questioning HIM I'm questioning if I heard Him right...or wrong.
And then there's the other part of me that's pulling at me and speaking and confusing me. For those of you who have no idea what SI is like, let me give you an insight. Cutters don't do it because they want attention (usually, some do) Cutters don't hurt themselves because it's FUN. 99% of all self-injurers are not sadistic freaks who want to cause themselves pain.
We do it because we can't deal. We do it because we feel like we DESERVE the pain.
I won't forget the numerous amount of nights where I have fallen asleep crying my eyes out, begging for God to not let me wake up and being incredibly disappointed the next day when I woke up. So often it just feels like...He's GOD. Why does He want anything to do with me?? I could fade into nothingness and there would still be millions of other people to love Him, He doesn't need me so why do I try? There have been times I've imagined what it would be like to be punished by God. I don't deserve any kind of happiness. I just feel like I deserve to be alone and unhappy and hurting.
For example, this morning sitting in church, I sat there and could hardly sing the songs and worship God because I felt the overwhelming urge to take something sharp and dig deeply into my skin. It's so wrong but I was singing "Majestic" and holding back tears. That is not NORMAL. It's not right. I've been like this for almost a week now. No idea what brought it on. No idea why I feel so incredibly lonely everyday.
Sorry if this blog doesn't make sense at all this is just my attempt to let people know how I am feeling and such since I don't get to talk to any of you all hardly any more. Okay well, work meeting tonight....holiday season changes. Woo? Alls I know so far is that our uniform changes and that the sign outside our store will say "Santa's Workshop" until after new year's prolly. Joy. Okay well tootlz my blog readers, be happy.
7 comments:
I understand all that you're saying, and it's funny that we've felt the exact same way this week.
I love you, Llama. Stay strong.
What I believe is happening is the devil is working on ya..you decided to make this big, actually huge (in my mind) leap for for god! Of course the devil doesn't want to go through with it..you'll do amazing things liz. Especially in the life's of other cutters.
… You have shitty self esteem. Hmm, I wonder why? Why don't you try doing something about that? And don't go complaining about society and unrealistic expectations. Especially about fat and thin. Let me put it in the words of your favorite TV show... "It's not societies falt she's fat, maybe if she'd stop shoving food in her face she wouldn't be morbidly obese." If you have a problem with the way you look put in the hard work to change it. Get off the computer and exercise. "Thin is attractive because attractive means people actually want to look at you." Or to relate to something you love so much, if God is really speaking to you and is going to use you as his tool to change the world do you really think he is okay with you being unhealthy. Unhealthy people don't live long enough to do anything significant enough to change the world. If you're so strong and have God on your side why don't you admit you have depression and get some real help for it? Doing nothing accomplishes nothing. Getting help will... hmmm what's the word? HELP! If you believe so strongly in God why don't you believe that he'll be there to help you and deal with whatever obstacles you claim are in your way (like your parents, or more like the idea of your parents, it's just you in your own way) stop making excuses. And fucking get over shit. People come and go in life, you're supposed to get over it, deal with it, and move on, not dwell on it forever. Seriously, who has an anniversary of when their best friend stopped being friends with them. If someone stops being friends with you over a horse, they really couldn't have been that good of a friend. Get over it. People are going to hurt you, that's life. You need to grow up and learn to deal with the shit that's really a tiny problem in the whole reality of life. An Anniversary, Seriously? That's so childish, stupid, and immature. Did you send her a card? Did you cry puppy dog tears, light candles, play sad music and sit in the dark all alone for hours upon hours? You're ridiculous. CONTINUED…
… You'll never succeed in life if you never have to actually do anything. You live with you're parents, only went to school for a year at a community college which isn't anywhere near as hard nor full of experiences as a real college, then you spent the summer doing nothing, aren't going back to school because it was too hard and are claiming God told you not to, just now got a job but it's definitely not one full of hard work, and are following the words of God who is telling you to spend the rest of your life playing music for God when you haven't actually played an instrument for quite some time and never really put a whole lot of effort into being very good at your instrument in the first place. Probably not the best of ideas since you obviously don't have a whole lot of motivation to do hard work and have never really done any in the past. Basically you are going to mooch off of mom and dad doing as little as you can and claim that it is your mission from God all the while annoying the hell out of everyone on the internet with your stupid musings of your immature life. Also, pursuing anything with photography is fucking ridiculous because you wouldn't know real photography if it hit you in the face, kicked you in the gut, and strangled you until you turned blue. Photoshop is not photography! It's not even close. Untouched photographs that took a lot of thought and application of visual concepts is just the tip of the iceberg that is photography. Don't think you're a photographer because people who don't know jack shit about photography say your photos look good. Especially because most people will tell you a picture looks good even if it actually looks like a photograph of dung sitting in a pile of puke. Real photography is raw and never touched. You fucking photoshop everything, of course it's not going to look like shit. That doesn't make it photography. It's not photography at all. Photoshop was created for regular people to make their pictures look like they didn't take them. It is fake photography. Just like you're a fake. Your whole life is just a fucking sham. Get off your lazy ass and actually do something about it.
All three anonymous posters, I believe you are the same person, and that is a completely unnecessary series of things to say. If you don't like what she's saying, don't read it. Please stop leaving long, pointless and rude comments and get off your rear. Go find something more CONSTRUCTIVE to do with your time.
Never mind, I KNOW you're the same person. Same point applies, nevertheless. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO.
Romans 3:23 For we have all sinned and come shot of the glory of God.
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death,But the FREE gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Liz, we all deserve to die, we are human and we are not perfect,God however is perfect and He has a perfect plan for your life. but Jesus died so we could live, He loved YOU so much that He would die for YOU. He didn't have to, but He did, because he cares about YOU and he has great plans for YOUR life!!
We dont deserve grace, thats what God's grace is, "unmerited favour"
When the devil comes up aginst you like this, it is just a sign that God has a big plan for your life!
the devil only does this because he knows that YOU'RE going to make a diffrence.
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