My Story: How Skillet Saved My Life **not for the faint of heart**

Okay...so...my story...this is the LONG version, with more details to help you understand it...I apologize for how long it is and I also apologize if there are horrible grammar errors, I'm afraid if I read through it all again I might not send it, so here it is ♥




In middle school...
I was physically abused for nearly 5 years by a cousin who is the same age as me. I'm naturally short and he is extremely tall, which just made it easier for him to hurt me. I put up with the bruises and the pain for so long...I used to blame him as the reason I began cutting, and maybe that's true but I could have stopped, I just never did.

I went about 3 years without self harming and then my senior year of high school, I fell...HARD.
For starters, band and music.
Since the 6th grade, band has been my only extracurricular activity...and then in high school I did other music extracurriculars like show choir, playing my flute and such but band has always been my thing. Flute, my passion. Well, I was so excited for my senior year of high school because I figured that since I had practiced and worked so hard for SO long, that I finally would get to shine...its no secret that seniors ALWAYS get the solos in our band, the director just does things that way. Well, my year I had to compete with another girl named Meg who always hated me, just because I loved to play flute. She must have been jealous, I don't know why because I never thought I was that amazing but she did EVERYTHING within her power to make band miserable for me. She got every single solo that year by telling our band director that I said I didn't want any...I didn't speak up for myself because I didn't want to seem childish and plus, I was never like that, I was always the suffer in silence type...so, in band I got shoved to the back burner and really lost my passion. Every single class period I would leave fighting back tears because my dreams were crashing around me.

In addition to that, my best friend since elementary school got a horse, and she got involved in riding and showing, western style, and I was cool with that, you know, her own passion. Well, she left me in the dust. Everything was about her horse and riding and I did not matter to her anymore. She forgot my birthday that year and that is when I knew I had completely lost her. I would call her and leave a message and she would never call me back. I'd help her with homework during school and in turn she would leave our group projects for me to finish, she was using me I just couldn't see it. So, we had a falling out...which made me incredibly lonely, she was the one friend who knew me inside and out and now she wanted nothing to do with me. The end of our senior year we got into a fight and she said that if she had to choose between her horse and me she chose her horse because he was worth more in her eyes. That really hurt.

Through this time I was cutting, it just worked...I couldn't cry but I could express my pain by cutting myself. Also during this year's time, my dad, who has seizures, was on a medication that made him angry and violent all the time. I hated being home worse than I hated school, and school was torture but at home I was constantly criticized and whenever there was an available solo that I didn't get my dad put me down saying I didn't want it bad enough or I didn't have the talent. Also, since my dad got fired from his job for blacking out at work one day, he had to go on disability which meant my mom had to go back to work and she ended up working customer service at Gander Mountain--retail, which gave her inconsistant hours--we never knew when she'd be working. So...I became my sister's mom. I cooked meals and cleaned the house and basically ran our house...and dealt with school and friends and by this point I wanted to hear nothing of God. I was hurting so bad and felt love from nobody or nothing. I felt dirty because I had a secret that consumed me and I had no one to trust it with. I was sinking lower and lower into depression.

Then I met Emily. She was in my AP Lit class and played trumpet in band with me. That March of our senior year, we had a music trip to Boston (we have one every 4 years) and her and I sat by each other for most of the trip. Towards the end of the trip we went to the Boston Symphony orchestra and it was at night and we had to dress up for it and I didn't own any long sleeve dress shirts, 3/4 length yes but of course that didn't cover all of my scars...and while chatting on the bus, I stretched out my arm to grab something and through the sheer material she saw my scars. She said nothing until we were back at school, but she said I could trust her. And I was desperate for acceptance and friendship so I did. She was there for me for the rest of that school year, encouraging me and just being a friend. But she wanted me to stop cutting...and at that point it was just a terrible addiction that I couldn't control. She ended up getting very angry at me and stopped talking to me because I refused to seek help for my depression.

Losing her friendship pretty much put me over the edge, it was just a series of little explosions that led to a big and terrifying decision--to end it all.

Now, I'm not proud of this whatsoever because I still cry thinking I almost didn't make it out of that time in my life alive.

But, I planned it all out.

I wrote my letters, figured out my method, created an amateur will for what little stuff I had and then waited for the planned day.

Well, the day I planned to kill myself was beautiful, it seemed so surreal to me. I mean, I was already numb and I was going to die so in my head rain seemed more appropriate...well anyway, I woke up early that morning and I'm not normally a morning person but I awoke wide awake and decided to do somethings for the last time.

Well, around 10:30 in the morning I got a text from a friend saying she missed me and that she wanted to hang out and she asked if she could come over? Of course I said yes, she was the one person who I still counted as a friend and saying goodbye to her was on my list of things to do for the last time. We were never very close but she was always fun to be with. Yeah I had to force happiness around her but it was always easier around her than usual.

So she came over and was messing around with my phone and she goes "did you know there's this website where its free and you sign up and can make your own ringtones and stuff??" and I didn't know anything about it so she goes "well I'm TOTALLY putting some good ones on here! what songs do you want? pick 3" so I did and she added a 4th but I didn't know that til later that day.

Well, we hung out for like 3 hours and took a bunch of funny pictures and such and I thought "at least they will have recent pics to use at my funeral" and I hugged her and told her goodbye with a finality in my voice that I knew she did not hear.

I passed the rest of the time that day journaling. I wanted people to know what was going through my mind and why I was doing what I was doing. I did not blame one person I just wrote about my life and how nothing could ever go right and how the one thing I wanted--love--had evaded me and since it had been for so long there must not be any in the world to be had. I still have those journal pages.

So I wrote and listened to music-- mostly Evanescence and Breaking Benjamin...definitely not helping my mood. And I waited til dusk and changed into the clothes I wanted to wear and then I left my house.

(this is where it gets hard for me to talk about)


About a mile from my house (I live just outside of the city limits of a smallish town) there is a river and a bridge that, at the time, was not well traveled because of road construction. My plan was to cut my wrists and then jump, there would be no hopes of being saved and I figured I'd pass out from loss of blood before I'd feel the pain of drowning. So, I walked to the bridge. It took me about 20 minutes cuz I was walking slow and listening to music and just taking my time.

I got to the bridge and had 3 things on me: my phone, to send a goodbye text telling someone what I was doing, my mp3 player (I didn't have an ipod yet), and my sharpest razor blade.

I sat on that bridge for the longest time contemplating life and death and God and faith while listening to my music. I remember the final song I listened to before I took my headphones off was by Sarah McLachlan, it's called "Fallen". I listened to that song and felt like it was my time. So I shut off my mp3 and set my phone down and picked up my blade.

I climbed to the edge of the bridge and firmly grasped the blade and questioned God, "If it's so important for me to be here then how is this so easy for me? Why don't You care??????!!" and as I prepared to cut...my cell phone went off...with...a Skillet song... *wipes a tear away remembering* "NO! YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE! WHEN DARKNESS COMES I'LL LIGHT THE NIGHT WITH STARS!" ...it was a text from my friend who had been over earlier that day, she sent me "Hey girl, just wanted to let you know how much fun I had today and that I love you!! I hope we get to see each other again soon! Love ya! ♥ "

I crumpled to the ground and cried for the longest time. After I was done crying I stared up at the sky and saw the BRIGHTEST stars... and whispered "Okay, You DO want me here...I will stay" and I went home.

The next day I downloaded all Skillet off iTunes and began learning about the band...and joined the boards and became a Panhead and not too long after that became the Craziest Panhead....Since that day my dream has been to thank the band for what they have meant to me and I cannot wait until that comes true =]


Sorry it was so long...wow I type so much -_-