Some Barlow Thoughts

So, tonight I had the opportunity to go see Barlowgirl at UW Platteville....and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. LOVE those girls!! They're so REAL!! Okay, so I will tell the story from my perspective from our arrival at the center for the performing arts until it was over... :)


The whole thing started when I got home from a looong morning at church and immediately took off to pick up my friend Hannah so we could finish our shirts. We got back to my house and had our shirts finished JUST in time for Kelly and Andrew to show up...hair fix, makeup perfected and we were off. Let me tell you, cramming 3 teenagers into the back of a standard sized car was no comfortable task. (did I mention that none of us are sticks either? yeah...we have booties :) Well, we got in and somewhat situated (as comfortable as was possible with 3 of us crammed in there) and we took off. On the way to Platteville, we stopped in Spring Green and had dinner at the Culver's there (very speedy mind you) and we were off again, more driving to be done. Finally we got to our destination and I stepped out of the car to realize just how chilly it was...I did NOT have the right amount of layers for how warm I usually need to be...haha...I was wearing a t-shirt and a fleece "jacket" (it's more of a sweatshirt, but I consider it a light jacket). It was cold okay? lol. Well, we got inside and Andrew said, "You should call the guy who has our tickets" (my friend goes to UW platteville and he had gotten the tickets for us, but he could not attend the concert so a good friend of his was to be our "dealer" haha.) and so I called Eli, but...he didn't answer his phone... (yes, my chest kind of constricted here). Well, we were just over half an hour early so I decided it was no sweat. Well, 20 minutes later...yes, 10 minutes to the concert, he STILL had not called back and at this point, I could see on Kelly, Andrew, Hannah and Valerie's faces that they were starting to feel disappointment and that we would not be able to see Barlowgirl after all. This was a VERY bad thing for me to realize....because I absolutely HATE letting people down and as the seconds ticked by, I was closer and closer to breaking down and crying...I was on the verge of a breakdown and...looking back it terrifies me because I have not felt that hopeless and like a failure that much for MONTHS...I was having flashbacks to my summer depression and the horrible things that resulted from it...I was frightened I was going to tip off the edge and be lost to my numbness and deep depression again...and to make matters worse, there were TONS of people around and I could barely breathe. My chest was so tight I feared my lungs would cave in.

A little over 7 minutes to showtime, my phone starts vibrating....ELI CALLED ME BACK. I was saved, and my chest let up a little...after trading him the cash for the tickets, I began to be able to breathe again and my head started to clear.

Andrew and Kelly led the way to our seats and...we were literally 5 feet (maybe less) away from the girls!!! I know it made Kelly happy...Barlowgirl is to her, what Skillet is to me...without the total obsessiveness ^_^ I kept taking pictures and taking pictures and the music was swirling around me, and there is no better place to be than in the midst of the music (as many of you I know can attest to since I know there are a few music junkies who read this blog!!)

Next I know, Alyssa is starting the first few notes of "I Believe in Love" and I've frozen. I can't think or breathe or anything....I absolutely LOVE that song...and to hear them sing it live was an experience. The chorus of the song: "I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent." was written on the wall of a concentration camp...ever since I read that fact, I tear up whenever I hear the song. Well, to make things emotionally worse for me, our church service this morning was directed toward the thought of "let yourself be loved by God" and...that is exactly what the girls were preaching tonight... So often I seal myself off from others...I don't talk about how I feel, I keep it all inside and only when I am alone do I (maybe!!) allow myself to shed some tears...I've repressed emotions for years because I have always been taught (not necessarily by words but by actions and responses) that showing emotions is showing weakness...but when Alyssa's tears started coming down during "Never Alone"...I couldn't stop mine.

I wish I could say that I feel free of the burdens I've been carrying and that I've let myself BE loved by God...but things are not that way...at least not today, not right now...I want that freedom, but I'm so lost at how to truly find it, and I seem unable to find the way to the brokenness I need to receive that freedom....I just pray I find it before it's too late.

Anyway, onto a different note, after the concert, we got to meet the girls and it was absolutely fantastic. The sign of mine that Beka Hardt (totally not sure I spelled her first name correctly?) almost fell over and died from, I got autographed (the one side said, "We <3>

And if this blog didn't make any sense, that is okay. It is 12:45 in the morning, I am EXHAUSTED and I'm just kind of pouring thoughts out because if I don't, I KNOW I a) won't sleep properly tonight [[not that that will make a difference anyways...but its worth a try]] and b) I will forget some things if I don't get them out now...oh and I guess.. c) if I type this stuff all out now, I can expose the parts of me that, say tomorrow, I may choose to hide again, and I know letting it out is better in the end, so judge me how you will, these are my thoughts and this is how I feel. It's my life in my own words.