Betrayed by my Heart

Let me explain the title of this post.

I have previously written about how I have a decision to make regarding my future.
A decision which I do NOT take lightly and a very hard decision at that.

In order to help my decision, I decided to get away from home for a couple of weeks and
visit my brother--where my potential move would be.

And while I have been here...I have noticed how different I am.

I'm SO much less depressed.
I smile and laugh a lot more.
Basically...I feel like I belong here.

But I also feel like my heart has betrayed me...I mean, my home...the only one I have
ever known and my heart is telling me here is where I should be.

There is such a huge part of me that does not want to leave home and that makes the other
part of me (the part that says I need to do this,, its MY life and I need to live it) feel so inferior and stupid.

I'm still so torn and the choice is weighing quite heavily on my heart tonight.
Prayers are appreciated *sigh* ♥ peace <3

Frustrated and Tired Where Do I Go From Here?

Mmk so, the title of my blog today is from the Relient K song "For the Moments I Feel Faint" and that line just seems to be me lately. I do not know where to turn, what to do, who to go to anymore. I'll try to sum this up as short as I can, but I'm not making any promises:

Okay so..I have the choice to make--whether I will stay living at home for more than a year and going to school here OR to move in with my older brother & his family who live about 4 hours away,, and starting my life over there.

And I'm so scared to choose.

I've done pros and cons for both in my head and still cannot come to a conclusion.

If I move to Minnesota:
-I will be able to start fresh
-I'll be working for a year instead of school [most likely]
-I won't have to deal with my family & its drama
-I'll be leaving behind my nightmare of the last 2 years and completely starting over
-I'll be able to see my brother & his fam more
-I'd get to see Randy & Elaine more often
-Eventually I'd be moving into my own apartment,,totally on my own
-There would never not be something to do

but...
-the city scares me
-my car doors do not lock
-I'm terrified of driving in the city
-I'd be quite lonely because I'd be leaving my friends behind
-I wouldn't have a church family anymore
-my whole life I have lived here and I do not know
how to live anywhere else
-If something happened to mom or dad while I was gone and one
of them got sick, I would never forgive myself
-I would be on my own for everything I need from now on
-I wouldn't see my sisters everyday...and we're pretty close,,
I know I would miss that
-I'd be leaving my best friend behind...the one who has stood by
me through a lot of tough shit since we've been friends,, she's the
only one who really knows me ♥


As you see, I could go on and on and on and on...and my main incentive for leaving I think is because my parents do not care what happens to me. Just the other day, my dad was talking to his brother on the phone about me, where I could hear him and he uttered the words "She's 19 and doesn't do anything,, pretty much worthless" and that cut deep. I always kind of knew that I don't belong here, I'm not the prize child, no that is Anita...but it still hurt nonetheless. I was born premature and it was a miracle I survived so at times like this I can't help but think that maybe I wasn't supposed to survive.

Anywho, there is my blog about my decision. If I could I would love to talk it through with Ben, because he is pretty objective and could really help me decide this and not make any decision hastily...but I don't think he wants to because he hasn't answered my email message. Oh well I'm leaving tomorrow for a week or two visit to my brother's to help me decide...we'll see what happens when I get back and how it all goes down.


...More than anything I could really use a hug right now. *sigh* and such is life.

Freaking Out

Okay, so my junior year of high school, which is close to 3 years ago, there was this pretty big incident that happened with a guy at my school. This guy happens to be the son of the associate pastor at our church, who I am pretty close to. However!! He moved away to finish his senior year in Oklahoma and is now going to college there BUT his dad, Ben, is getting ordained on the 7th of June...and he is coming home. I hate facing my past...quite frankly it terrifies me. He was here for Christmas and ended up at the Christmas Eve service & I could tell he wanted to say something to me, but I was a HUGE chicken and kept my back turned to where he was and kept up a conversation with my 2 sisters the whole time...luckily they understood enough to keep it going. I hate the feeling that comes with it because it was a huge mistake I made,, one of the biggest screw ups I've ever done, and every time he is around, my heart pounds like crazy and it's really hard for me to breathe...like a panic attack. AND to make things worse...after I am able to escape being around him or whatever, I *always* get that panicky self injury feeling again.

So basically, I'm terrified out of my wits to go to this ordination thing, but I know it's a huge deal for Ben & I really want to be there & support him, he has meant a lot to me in the past 2 years.... *facedesk* Anyone want to chip in and get me a plane ticket to Texas? One way? Cuz that would be lovely :)

when i should be sleeping, i think about the stars...and Narnia

Hey all :)
So tonight, for the first time in about 2 years, I watched the Chronicles of Narnia on dvd :)
[the lion the witch and the wardrobe in case anybody cares lol ]
and I remembered why I love movies like this so much.

They take you away to a purer place, a place where love really does conquer everything and no matter what happens, things always turn out okay. I started thinking about what life would be like if we lived in Narnia instead of America...imagine:

*No president,, but instead a regal king (who just happens to be a lion)...and who happens to be an amazing Savior at the same time.

*Never having to worry about anything because it's all under Aslan's control

*Being completely free,, and even when you mess up, you can still find that freedom.

and of course
*Never having to worry about the scars of the past. In Narnia, Edmund betrayed his own family to seek glory and fame for himself and it only led to his capture and almost demise. But...because Aslan is so full of love and grace, He offered himself in the place of Edmund on the stone table,,dying as a traitor when He was not one....Giving Edmund another chance at life.



And with all these thoughts running through my mind, wishing I could live this fairytale, I remembered something: I can and I am...because:

Aslan is C.S. Lewis's equivalent to Jesus Christ and it's all allegorical. We are free and we never have to worry about a thing if we give all control to Christ [[Aslan]].

Sure, I still wish I lived in the beautiful fairytale world of Narnia,, but maybe in the end there is a reason fairytale lands do not actually exist,, maybe it's to remind us that our life is one big fairytale with a beautiful ending ♥

Sleeplessness and Stories

So, last weekend, I talked to my mom about letting me get some sleeping pills...
I honestly do NOT want to take them but I need to sleep too...it's unfair. I hate
not being able to sleep or fall asleep but I hate being dependent on a pill!!! The
last 2 days I haven't even taken any because I despise drugs so much...it's bad
enough that I have to be on painkillers for my jaw :( Stupid problems. I wish
sleep came easier...why must my body be so stubborn? Grr.

anywho.


Stories :)
You will all be pleased to hear I've been working on my story again...part 2 to be
posted within the next week hopefully...I've also been writing poetry. I've felt inspired
today and I'm not sure why haha. I'm not protesting :)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand
something even MORE awesome!
Flynn and I are writing a story together :)
Its going to PWN!!! haha I'm pumped ^_^
...even though I'm sure he's a better writer than I am :P
that's all! tata!!

In the Face of Eternity.

I've been thinking a lot about this concept lately...in the face of eternity, what do things mean?

So many adults and people tell me, "Go to college and get your degree, you will get job security and blah blah blah."

But I have problem with this.

I think it is SO hard to go to a non-Christian college and maintain my walk.
At least it's been like that for me this entire year.

I mean, it's not like I'm just being lazy (although that is part of it some days)
but I am really frequently exhausted and drained (mentally AND physically) and
I feel inadequate ALL the time.

My older brother who I used to look up to a lot (who went to college for something like
6 years or something...crazy I know), the last time I saw him, was giving me the 3rd degree
for not attending a 4 year UW school right away. His words were "Why didn't you go to
UW Madison? You could have gotten in!" These words crushed me.

One: because I felt like I do everytime someone belittles my school.
Just because it is a 2 year campus does NOT mean it's a pansy school.

Two: because of the comment, I feel stupid for having hard times with things at my school now.
Math is hard for me and so are a lot of other things, I'm not the intellectual genius
he is and I don't try to be.

I HATE feeling inadequate and stupid but everytime I turn around, someone or something
is bringing me down.

And is it all because of college??!

So my question is this: in the face of eternity, will it matter if I make a triple figure salary?
Will it matter if I have my masters degree in education? Will it even matter if my gpa was higher
than a 3.0?!

the answer to all of these is no.

what WILL matter is how well I served God and lived for Him.

I've been struggling SO hard lately with these feelings, like there is nothing I can do
to be good enough and that college just feels wrong.

As of right now, I'm going to get my Associate's Degree and take a year off and do some soul
searching...or maybe by then I'll know what God wants from me because honestly, getting my
4 year degree and being depressed and secluded from people all the time is not good for me... I hate it and I would do anything to live a different life. This all feels so wrong and I cannot stand it for much longer.

In the face of eternity, what is a decision anyway?

Light.

Some nights she feels,
So very alone.
There’s too much pain,
And her future unknown.

The darkness whispers,
Memories and lies.
Everything’s bottled up,
And she wishes to cry.

No tears are found,
No kind of relief.
So she looks for a blade,
To find a release.

But before the blade,
Reaches her skin.
A small bit of light,
Fills her within.

The light brings in,
A small bit of hope.
And a different way,
For her to cope.

Her life has worth,
far beyond this pain.
God gave her a future,
And so much to gain.

She puts down the blade,
With God in her sight.
She battles on,
And will win this fight.


love this poem. a lot.