Mmk so, the title of my blog today is from the Relient K song "For the Moments I Feel Faint" and that line just seems to be me lately. I do not know where to turn, what to do, who to go to anymore. I'll try to sum this up as short as I can, but I'm not making any promises:
Okay so..I have the choice to make--whether I will stay living at home for more than a year and going to school here OR to move in with my older brother & his family who live about 4 hours away,, and starting my life over there.
And I'm so scared to choose.
I've done pros and cons for both in my head and still cannot come to a conclusion.
If I move to Minnesota:
-I will be able to start fresh
-I'll be working for a year instead of school [most likely]
-I won't have to deal with my family & its drama
-I'll be leaving behind my nightmare of the last 2 years and completely starting over
-I'll be able to see my brother & his fam more
-I'd get to see Randy & Elaine more often
-Eventually I'd be moving into my own apartment,,totally on my own
-There would never not be something to do
but...
-the city scares me
-my car doors do not lock
-I'm terrified of driving in the city
-I'd be quite lonely because I'd be leaving my friends behind
-I wouldn't have a church family anymore
-my whole life I have lived here and I do not know
how to live anywhere else
-If something happened to mom or dad while I was gone and one
of them got sick, I would never forgive myself
-I would be on my own for everything I need from now on
-I wouldn't see my sisters everyday...and we're pretty close,,
I know I would miss that
-I'd be leaving my best friend behind...the one who has stood by
me through a lot of tough shit since we've been friends,, she's the
only one who really knows me ♥
As you see, I could go on and on and on and on...and my main incentive for leaving I think is because my parents do not care what happens to me. Just the other day, my dad was talking to his brother on the phone about me, where I could hear him and he uttered the words "She's 19 and doesn't do anything,, pretty much worthless" and that cut deep. I always kind of knew that I don't belong here, I'm not the prize child, no that is Anita...but it still hurt nonetheless. I was born premature and it was a miracle I survived so at times like this I can't help but think that maybe I wasn't supposed to survive.
Anywho, there is my blog about my decision. If I could I would love to talk it through with Ben, because he is pretty objective and could really help me decide this and not make any decision hastily...but I don't think he wants to because he hasn't answered my email message. Oh well I'm leaving tomorrow for a week or two visit to my brother's to help me decide...we'll see what happens when I get back and how it all goes down.
...More than anything I could really use a hug right now. *sigh* and such is life.
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