Guys. Seriously why did God create them? I just want to yell and scream...run out of my house, stare up into the blue cloudless sky and scream with anger at the God who created all. I feel like I'm the only female in this place who, at my age, has never had a boyfriend!!! I get so angry because there are guys I like and think have good personality qualities and then I'm never able to get to know them or they don't even realize how much I admire them =/
There are 2 guys in particular that I really have my eye on at this point in time, and of course they are both single, I'd never go after a guy that was taken. But yeah, Mark is one, and I KNOW he has no idea I exist, but what else is new? And then there is David...David is really really up there...he is a Christian, believes old fashioned kind of things, and I kind of know him.... I know he's a real honest gentleman, but he also knows how to have fun. He's insanely intelligent and from what I hear, a very talented writer. His major is English as well and that's just awesome...AND he can sing!!!! *sighs* That's on my list of things I want in a guy....for him to be a singer...
I just get SOOOOOO unbelievably angry because I know I'm not beautiful or stunning like any of the other girls around, and heaven knows I don't have the body to make any guy think I'm beautiful, but I still hope, and I hate it because that's how I get myself hurt.
And on TOP of all of that, I already have mixed emotions of self-hate and unhappiness. I swear if I saw a shrink I would get diagnosed with depression, but since I fear being labeled as those kinds of things, I will never go see one. Yeah, an amazing friend from last year told me it would probably help a lot of things, especially handling emotions and dealing with life (instead of the unhealthy ways I choose to use) but there's something holding me back...its almost like I'm not good enough to see people like that. There are people who are way worse off than I am, who have much much better reasons to be unhappy and depressed than I do, and I just can't bring myself to have that kind of thing be part of my life. I mean, it's bad enough to suspect I'm depressed, but to have someone actually tell me that I am would probably just blow me away. Anyway, that is my rant.
1 comment:
*hugs* I can understand being frustrated with guys. Some days I think the world would be way more simple if every guy on the face of the planet spontaneously disappeared.
As far as councilors go: I would say if you can, go see one. Especially if you can find a good Christian councilor. These people are there to help us. Did you know that Jamie of TWLOHA has gone to counciling? He's a big advocate of it. Sometimes we just need someone else to listen to us and see things we can't. I don't think someone like that would be all about telling you what's wrong with you; it would be about working with you to make it a little bit better.
Just my thoughts on that. :-)
- Elraen -
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