In Chains or Simply Losing It?

Do you ever feel like there are two of you? Like one of them is actually going through the motions of life, walking, breathing, eating, speaking, while the other one is trapped somehow? I kind of remember being like this when I was numb, but then it was much more obvious and I was in control of both "me's" (for lack of anything better to call it). However, now, it feels like the 2nd "me" is trapped, like there is some sort of barrier from letting her out, it's almost as if it's my soul & it's in chains. I'm not even sure if this makes sense, but I just fully realized it tonight. I was walking to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take my contacts out before bed and I was fully aware that I was having a conversation with my sister while totally thinking of something totally unrelated, and I was able to do both fully without one interrupting the other. Then, as I was brushing my teeth, I realized that I wasn't really feeling the toothbrush in my mouth, nor was I really controlling my arm doing the movements. It was incredibly freaky and even as I sit here and type, I can feel the difference between the two. If anyone else understands this or has had it happen, I would really appreciate feedback on this because I've never experienced this before and it's really weird. It's almost as if I'm watching myself live life, but from the inside I guess? It's all just so weird. =/

an old poem that i like a lot & just found

I simply wish that

you and I,

would get along, a sweet lullaby,

something soft and something sweet

something quiet, discreet.

I simply wish that

you and I,

could coexist in harmony.

But wishes never surface and

love is never real,

What is real? Life is real,

death is real, pain is surely real...

But who can say how it shall end?

It must be either enemy to enemy or

friend to friend.

For,

As complicated as it seems, it's possible

for you to like me too...although the barriers

exist create a doubt, a pain, something too...

cold.

never forget. always regret.

"never forget. always regret."
9/26/09

she's crying out, she feels so alone
wouldn't life be easier, living on her own?
everyday gets harder. surviving's the game.
ever since you left her, nothing is the same.

her thoughts are of what was
her dreams awake her with tears
though you almost died
she's unable to voice her fears

she has regrets, but she'll never tell
blame is heavy on her heart, she feels at fault
she knew you were anorexic, she knew it well
unable to speak to you, tears fell while she knelt

the pain inside finds its way out
she's stopped eating, her arms aren't whole
if you die, that will shred her heart.
if you die, suicide is her goal

this is the darkest poem i have ever written.

when i'm gone

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn/ Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice/ Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling/ And I didn't feel a thing,/ So baby don't feel no pain/ Just smile back.
-eminem-

i love this song chorus. a lot.

are dreams only that? dreams?

so i have dreams in my mind and in my heart. and lately i can't help but wonder if they'll only ever be dreams. for instance, my #1 dream would be to be a photographer and have that job for the rest of my life. my #2 dream is to go to LLSOW and follow God where He leads me. what does this all have to do with anything you ask?

in order to do both of these things, i need a job to fund them, money basically. you can't buy a good camera without money and you can't go to a school without paying either.

now, i know God will provide, but i also have the usual doubts. mostly i think they're doubts within, me doubting myself. like, the reason i can't get a job is because i'm not smart enough, good enough, etc, etc. i've been looking for one for over a year & yes i refused to apply in the dells this summer but i didn't feel like it was RIGHT...and it bugs me now because i doubt myself like, maybe i didn't hear God say that, maybe it was just me thinking that you know? so doubts. yay. ((not)).

i don't really have a ton to post about tonight because that's really it, are my dreams only meant to be dreams? or will they become a reality? sometimes it's hard to believe.

is it okay to be sad about your life?

i've been thinking about this tonight: is it okay to be sad about my life? i mean, honestly, i only have a few friends in this area, all of whom have commitments that are much more important than i am, and that's okay you know? but i've been thinking. and listening to the Skillet song "would it matter". the lyrics feel like my daily struggle. would it matter if i was here? would it matter if i tried to help someone? i try to be bright and happy for people, to show them that love and goodness are, to give them hope, a reason to live. and then i have nights like tonight where i just want to hug myself and cry and cry and cry. i don't even know why i want to cry. i'm just sad and it hurts so deeply inside. i don't know what to do with it. crying seems like the only thing i CAN do.

for anyone who reads this regularly, this is not the normal me. this is me in a depressed state of mind. please do not judge me on this post. thank you.

i will not look away this time.

She’s everything to everyone
Wish I could have seen it come down
But I heard incorrectly

It seems everything she knows is now
Five minutes ‘till closing
that’s not a lot of time when you’re nervous

And they say, daughter look away, don’t be afraid
When you want to turn back a million times
And it might get colder, but wait ‘till it’s over
Darlin’, you’ll find your way

But she said...

I, will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
And all this pain I’ve held inside
So I can find my way home again
I will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
Don’t want to be perfect, just alright...

He’s on his way to nowhere
‘Cause he heard it was safe there
And safe is something valuable here
He’s spent half his life searching
And the other half working
Hard to find out if Jesus is real

And they said, son look away, don’t be afraid
When you want to turn back a million times
And it might get colder, but wait ‘till it’s over
Son, you will find your way

I, will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
And all this pain I’ve held inside
So I can find my way home again
I will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
Don’t want to be perfect, just alright...

But he said...

Every time, every line,
Every time you wanna say goodbye, sing..

Every time, every line,
Every time you wanna say goodbye, sing..

I, will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
And all this pain I’ve held inside
So I can find my way home again
I will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
Don’t want to be perfect, just alright...

She’s everything to everyone
Wish I could have seen it come down
But I heard incorrectly

It seems everything she knows is now
Five minutes ‘till closing
that’s not a lot of time when you’re nervous

-"look away" by thousand foot krutch

This song has been in my mind all day. I feel regrets for many things in my life, and lately, when my mind reverts to thinking, all I can ponder is what would happen if Katie didn't make it. What if one day I wake up and she is gone? Someone told me "Well hasn't she already been "gone"? " And I responded with "Not in my heart" I don't know how to let go, especially now when any day could be her last. I mean, I guess all of us face that, but not like this, not with being sick, not with a heart problem. I feel like it's partially my fault. She wasn't eating for so long...or eating not enough...and she got so tiny...and I saw it, I could have stopped it, I could have said something to someone with more power than me. Maybe I could have prevented this. I don't want to blame myself, but I still feel responsible. She was my best friend for over 10 years. How do I let go? How do I say goodbye??