Criticism: because everybody's gotta vent sometime.

This is the first time I've ever written about this here so I'm hesitant.


Pretty much though, I'm sick of my dad's criticism and control.

My older sister asked me to watch her 2 kids for her tomorrow and I
am more than happy to do that.

Somehow, he thinks I can't. Whatever reasoning in his head he has, I am
not allowed to. Apparently Friday counts as the weekend & he said they're
not allowed to be here "this weekend". They'd be gone before he ever
woke up.

I'm just really angry & frustrated right now.
I know I'm supposed to be here, home, though I don't know why specifically
but right now those feelings of flight are returning. I want to get in my car
and drive away and never look back at them, my parents. I want to leave
and forget them, leave the pain and hurt behind. I'm never good enough for
them so why do I even try??

I want to be able to walk out of my bedroom and hang out with my sisters
while I can, I know we won't be together forever and I just want to be able
to do that but crossing the living room that's between my room and theirs
is usually impossible. I hold my breath when I do it, always waiting for my
dad to inevitably say something, anything.


So basically I just wanted to help my sister out and now my dad is on a
rampage against me today. Lovely. She has no one else who can watch
her kids tomorrow while she works, I have NO idea where she's gonna
turn...I want to help her cuz my heart goes out to her being a single mom
and all that, at least she's TRYING to provide and love her family the best
she can. I just wanted to help.

Beauty From Pain

I cling to Your promise, there will be a dawn.

After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again, and there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain.

-beauty from pain, superchic[k]


I actually started this blog the other night and was hit with painful memories after reading the
lyrics to one of Skillet's new songs, "Believe" off their new album "Awake" (which drops August 25th...BUY IT!!) and ended up not getting very far in what I was going to say.

I was hanging out with my friend Liz the other day and she was putting songs on her mp3 player from my computer (she doesn't have a computer so I let her put her music on it via my computer) and she was going through and she asked me if she'd like the song "Beauty from Pain" by Superchic[k] and I told her to listen to it & find out, so she hit the play button and the song began.

Now I haven't heard that song for quite awhile, it used to be my cry song. The song that I used when I was feeling at my lowest of lows to remind me that "after all this has passed I still will remain/after I've cried my last there'll be beauty from pain." Even though I had lost every friend that I had ever counted as trustworthy and close, someday there would be beauty and purpose for my pain.

So now I'm sitting here and I'm looking back on that song and those days and nights filled with tears and aching and pain and I am realizing where the beauty comes from. The beauty comes from God separating you from everything, just for Him. I had to lose friends and go through some really hard things to understand how much God wants to have me love Him. It's really tough to go through something like that and not be able to see God at the time, but it is 100% worth staying true to Him. I can say that because, at the time, I didn't. I was ready to give up on life and everything I've loved and known just for peace from it all. But now, now I can say that I know better.

I've always heard people talk about it not feeling like God is there, even though He is, but I'd never experienced that firsthand. Now I have and I can also say, trust Him in what He is doing.

This blog might be one giant jumble of me rambling cuz I'm so tired but I hope it makes sense because it's a very elemental part of being a Christian.

Hold on now cuz things will get better.
It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

A Little Bit About Me For A Change.

Hey all of you lovely readers :)
This is just a post to update friends on my life...since it's
been awhile since I actually wrote about me and what's going
on with me and life and such.

Where to start? Hmm...I guess I would have to start with
the fact that as of now, I am not moving anywhere! That's
pretty huge as it is, but I feel as though God wants me here
and so I'm staying :)

Also, next fall, I will not be going to school...for the first time
since I first started school, it will be fall and I will not be in a
classroom, it's very weird for me to think of and it's also hard
because of the next item on my list: I'm not going to be a teacher
anymore. This is hard because I've had my mind set on being
a teacher since I was in the sixth grade, maybe even earlier who
knows? Any way around it, God spoke clearly to me and teaching
is not in the cards...at least not the way I had planned for so long.

So what am I going to do instead?

Something music related. Right now, I'm just doing what I can to
learn as many different skills as I can, because I'm not sure where
the doors will open, and I want to be prepared. I'm going to dig my
flute out and start playing again :) First time in over a year...it's been
too long...I fear I will be terrible and have forgotten everything =/
Guess I'll find out tomorrow!!

In addition to all of this, I ended up talking to Ben (the student/worship)
pastor at our church and I'm going to be getting involved with the
worship team! Honestly, I think this is what I am most excited about at
this point in time...doing something that I love for the God I love with
people I love =)

So far that's it! It's going to be amazing and I can't wait to see what God
is going to do with and through me!!! I am so excited.

Another Skillet Dream?? What does THIS one mean???

Hmm funny...I had another Skillet dream last night too...but it was really weird & didn't make a whole ton of
sense...like, the members of Skillet and I were on the run from the government...we were being tracked cuz
we were spreading the gospel and Scotty had turned on the band and was leading the search to find us lol.
They kept trying to track Ben through his iphone cuz they said he couldn't go very long without it *laughs*
which may or may not be true in real life... :P

and we were all muddy from running through this swamp to try & get them to lose our trail and ended up at
this cabin in the woods which was John's dad's brother's "up north" cabin (according to my dream LOL) and
Korey was hiding there with Alex & Xav (cuz it was me and Ben and Jen and John and Chu who were on the
run, we had gone to try and get food supplies & stuff or something like that) and we got back & Alex & Xav
came out & yelled "Daddy!!" and hugged John and it was an "aww" moment for everyone then since it was dark
the kids went inside to go to bed and so did Jen & Ben and I volunteered to sit up & be on watch that night so
John could spend time with Korey and so I was sitting outside and gazing at the stars and doing some writing
and drawing in my journal. I remember very distinctly that I was doodling with lyrics from the last night & whispers
(cuz I was inspired by the stars outside) and as I'm drawing, I started praying/talking to God out loud and saying
stuff about how thankful I was to be serving Him even though it had me hiding away from those I loved and then
I started thanking God for the amazing people I was helping out because they were the reason I was a Christian and
as I was just starting to get really emotional while praying, I heard a twig snap behind me and I jumped up, getting
ready to freak out & the next thing I know John has his hand over my mouth and he's going "shh! it's just me, it's okay"
and I calmed down and he let go and he goes "I couldn't sleep while you were out here all by yourself, it just doesn't
seem right, with you being so young and a female and all...I feel like I should be the one protecting everyone" and I
kind of laughed and said that it was okay, don't worry about it, you have a family and I don't so I don't mind. And then
we sat down and I mentioned how I was just gazing at the stars and talking to God and that I was alright so he really
could go back to bed if he wanted to and he said "Yeah, I wasn't exactly eavesdropping, but I overheard you thanking
God for us being in your life and I really felt like I had to say something about that...*he paused* why do we mean so
much to you anyway?" And I smiled and got to tell him the story of how they saved my life and he goes, "Wow, for real?"
and I replied "Yep, God is amazing isn't He?" and John whispered "I guess so...wow..." and we ended up chatting for a few
hours and then I finally got John to stop being stubborn & go back to bed and I settled back down to finish watch for that
night.

Somehow I dozed off for a few minutes and next thing I knew it was getting to be light and everyone was moving around
inside the cabin, making breakfast & getting ready for the day. Ben came out & said "Alright, your turn to get some sleep
now, get going!" and I smiled and said thanks and as I was getting up, Korey came out and said that we were going to have
a group meeting first & I nodded and went inside & while the kids ran around outside, we sat around in a circle and decided
that since our last supply trip failed we were going to have to go back within 24 hours and try again. Everyone was against
me going since I'd not slept but I said "give me an hour to sleep and I'll be good again" so they did and I napped and then we
took off, John, Ben, Korey and I,, Jen had volunteered to stay with the kids.

While in town, we got plenty of supplies and were heading out of city limits when we heard the warning sirens going off, we'd
been seen. Naturally, we took off running and ducked into the nearest pile of brush & weeds. Well, next thing we knew,
a group of people were sent out of the town to look for us and they had flashlights and such, well we knew we couldn't wait
there so we snuck deeper into the woods trying to escape. One lone person wandered to where we were and I was following
behind, the last one in the group, Ben leading the way back, and when we heard them, we all froze and barely breathed.
My heart was pounding and before we knew it, the guy was calling back-up...he'd found a footprint.

I knew the only chance for us to survive would be a diversion so, when the guy searching for us, ran back out to the road,
I handed my bag of supplies to John and whispered, "You guys saved me, now let me do the same for you." As soon as it
registered in his mind what I was about to do he fiercely whispered back, "No way! You are part of our family now!" And I
responded, "I've served my purpose here, you guys keep doing what you do and give Alex & Xav hugs for me and tell them
I love them!" As I was about to take off running for the search party, Korey grabbed me in a hug and said, "This means more
to us & the kids than you will ever know" and we all had tears & one last hug before I took off.

Naturally, I was found & captured but the band never was. I was tortured & killed for information of their whereabouts
but I never cracked. Somehow, it really was a good dream =) I still wish I knew what these dreams meant...grr my mind!!

Lifest Blog: Day 5

Day 5: Endings and Beginnings--Going Home Changed


Day 5 I awoke to hearing worship with BlueTree (God of This City) and then I got dressed and packed most of my stuff up and then went to see Jeremy Camp for morning worship.

The speaker that morning presented several ideas that threw me back into that deep thought mode of the night before and I ended up leaving Jeremy Camp early so I could head home early.

While driving home, I realized something had changed within me, something was not the same.

For years the forgiveness I had struggled to accept finally became real to me and I accepted it and began to live in it.

I was changed so subtly and in such a way that until it was complete, I did not have a clue it was happening, God was so sneaky but so wonderful at the same time ♥ .

I rocked LIFEST 2009.
And it rocked me.

Artists/Speakers etc that I saw:

Matthew West
Kutless
Red
Group 1 Crew
Tobymac
Barlowgirl
Stellar Kart
Third Day
David Crowder*band
Salvador
Decemberadio
Peder Eide (our mc)
Jeremy Camp
1000 White Flags (quite unknown)
Holly Starr
Blue Tree

and of course:

SKILLET!!!!!!

Lifest Blog: Days 2, 3 and 4

Day 2: Community

Day 2 I met up with some really amazing people...it was a day of connections.

While checking out the booths in the marketplace, I ran across a TWLOHA booth. My wallet was instantly out because I support that cause immensely. If you don't know what it is, www.twloha.com find out it is amazing.

As I finished purchasing my merch, I moved on to look for other things and I ran into the NorthWestern College booth--and a friend from 2 years ago!! She remembered me and we chatted for awhile and then I was off to catch Decemberadio peform.

While at Decemberadio, I ran into Chris Smalley, good friend and drummer for my favorite local band, Isaiah 42:10. He got me in contact with some other Isaiah friends and we all hung out until Barlowgirl. Our group consisted of me, Abbie (paramedic NOT nurse lol), Cindi (a 16 year old trapped in a 45 year old's body), Aaron (the new Peter Furler), his 2 little daughters, Ben (jailbird) and some of the time, Chris and his son.

Through their love and acceptance while at Lifest, God showed me just what I had been missing by continually locking myself in my room without contact to the outside world. I was afraid to trust and it had cost me. I was lonely and not really trusting anyone anymore. So many important friendships had been destroyed, letting new people in to my life seemed so impossible.

...But with God, ANYTHING is possible and without even trying, I let these people into my life and began hanging out with them each day. Our group was fun, and inseperable and the definition of community.

Never will I forget rapping to Tobymac's "Jesus Freak" with Ben and finding a friend who knew all the words and could rock just as good as me =)

Day 3: something a little different

The day began with me meeting the others to see Thor Ramsey, a comedian I'd heard of but never seen before. What an amazingly funny guy! I laughed like I had not for 2 years.

After Thor, we were all roasting so we took off for this nearby park with a lake and had the most fun time splashing and building a monster sandcastle together. We collected sea-glass from the lake and the 2 girls thought it was the most amazing treasure. Since the water we was freezing, and we were dying of heat, it was a perfect combination. Finally we showered and then went back for part of David Crowder*band and supper.

After that, we went and waited vigilantly for RED!!!

Front row center baby! Less than 3 feet away from the stage! We totally rocked that concert and then took off for bed while the thunderstorms rolled in. Needless to say, we were completely exhausted! 3 nights of insane moshing and we weren't done yet!!

Day 4: Revelations

Day 4 consisted of Tim Hawkins, an apologetic speaker, Stellar Kart and a VERY moving Third Day headlining show.

God really moved in me during Third Day. The songs "Revelation", "Cry Out to Jesus", and "Call My Name" mostly had me really in tune with God. In the song "Revelation" I really cried out, looking for answers because I knew my life was not going in the right direction. I sang with all my soul, "give me a revelation, show me what to do, cuz I've been trying to find my way, I haven't got a clue. tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move? Give me a revelation, cuz I've got nothing without You." it was the words of my soul in song form.

Once I got home, I had a God-given dream and a God-breathes conversation that were both so encouraging to the choices I need to make. [[to the person I had the conversation with, 1. thank you SO much for talking...God spoke through you to me so clearly I might as well have been smacked on the head with a frying pan and 2. November cannot come quickly enough for me :) ]]

That night I had much deep thought and many questions for God and myself.

The Lifest Blog: Day 1

Lifest. Many concerts. Much music.
Endless memories, all packed into 5 days.

Day 1: Beginning.

This was day one. Opening day of Lifest. The grounds opened to campers at noon and I knew I had to be there early in order to set up my camp and be able to get a good spot for Skillet! I was experienced with Lifest so I knew I would have to wait for long hours in the hot baking sun and I was 100% okay with that. So, after I got all my stuff in my tent, I threw a bottle of water in my bag, grabbed my "Craziest Panhead" sign and took off for the main stage where in about 7 hours, there would be Skillet epicness. Skillet was not scheduled to play until 9:30 p.m. and I got to my front row spot at approximately 2:10 in the afternoon. No one else was there (very few people had even set up lawn chairs yet) so I settled down for a long wait. After a couple of hours, people started showing up around me and I stood up and watched Kutless. Then, this group of girls snuck in next to me and they made friends with me and ended up telling me about the Skillet meet & greet. They were even kind enough to get their friends to save our spots so we could go to the meet & greet and come back to our front row location.

After Kutless was our keynote speaker of the day and then it was time for Skillet. Even though I knew the intro, the energy pouring through me when it began was nothing compared to my first Skillet show...it was SO MUCH more. I had my sign and I was READY to rock out!! In my mind I kept reliving the meet & greet from earlier that day: seeing John's tattoo up close and the way John (and the other band members of course) were genuinely greeting and talking to each person...if they were tired of it you would never have known.

The concert:

"Whispers in the Dark" has always been a very powerful song for me and as a concert opener it was especially perfect ♥
My heart was pumping and racing and though I was pinned against the barrier, I gave my all at that concert. I sang and screamed louder, I jumped higher and I head banged with more intention as the setlist continued.

"The Last Night's" opening caught me by surprise because I hadn't bothered finding out the setlist beforehand. Unlike the last show I went to, I cried during the song. Headbanging+crying=unforgetable. Well, by the time the song got to the bridge, I was just singing along again but when they hit the end, "I won't let you say goodbye and I'll be your reason why...the last night away from me, away from me." I was so emotional I couldn't even sing.

The next song I really remember was "Those Nights" because of the crowd cam. I knew it was coming as soon as I heard the song's intro, so I got my sign ready (no easy task, the crowd was insane) and waited. Before I knew it, John had the camera out and was recording. He started with stage left and steadily worked his way over to where I stood. I proudly held up my sign and was surprised by what happened next: John paused the camera on me (so I was definitely visible) and then we winked at me..from stage!! I was so shocked I didn't know how to react.

The rest of the show passed without incident. The crowd got less moshy and the pyro got better. The "Monster" growl was epic and "Hero" was just as amazing as always.

After the concert ended, I walked back to my tent in a daze, compltely skipping the Disciple show and lay down on my sleeping bag and penned into my journal:

"In that one instant, it no longer mattered about the scars I have or the hurts I've felt...people DO care whether I live or die and I will forever cherish this night." -7/8/09

God was starting to radically change my heart, and I had no clue.