Lifest. Many concerts. Much music.
Endless memories, all packed into 5 days.
Day 1: Beginning.
This was day one. Opening day of Lifest. The grounds opened to campers at noon and I knew I had to be there early in order to set up my camp and be able to get a good spot for Skillet! I was experienced with Lifest so I knew I would have to wait for long hours in the hot baking sun and I was 100% okay with that. So, after I got all my stuff in my tent, I threw a bottle of water in my bag, grabbed my "Craziest Panhead" sign and took off for the main stage where in about 7 hours, there would be Skillet epicness. Skillet was not scheduled to play until 9:30 p.m. and I got to my front row spot at approximately 2:10 in the afternoon. No one else was there (very few people had even set up lawn chairs yet) so I settled down for a long wait. After a couple of hours, people started showing up around me and I stood up and watched Kutless. Then, this group of girls snuck in next to me and they made friends with me and ended up telling me about the Skillet meet & greet. They were even kind enough to get their friends to save our spots so we could go to the meet & greet and come back to our front row location.
After Kutless was our keynote speaker of the day and then it was time for Skillet. Even though I knew the intro, the energy pouring through me when it began was nothing compared to my first Skillet show...it was SO MUCH more. I had my sign and I was READY to rock out!! In my mind I kept reliving the meet & greet from earlier that day: seeing John's tattoo up close and the way John (and the other band members of course) were genuinely greeting and talking to each person...if they were tired of it you would never have known.
The concert:
"Whispers in the Dark" has always been a very powerful song for me and as a concert opener it was especially perfect ♥
My heart was pumping and racing and though I was pinned against the barrier, I gave my all at that concert. I sang and screamed louder, I jumped higher and I head banged with more intention as the setlist continued.
"The Last Night's" opening caught me by surprise because I hadn't bothered finding out the setlist beforehand. Unlike the last show I went to, I cried during the song. Headbanging+crying=unforgetable. Well, by the time the song got to the bridge, I was just singing along again but when they hit the end, "I won't let you say goodbye and I'll be your reason why...the last night away from me, away from me." I was so emotional I couldn't even sing.
The next song I really remember was "Those Nights" because of the crowd cam. I knew it was coming as soon as I heard the song's intro, so I got my sign ready (no easy task, the crowd was insane) and waited. Before I knew it, John had the camera out and was recording. He started with stage left and steadily worked his way over to where I stood. I proudly held up my sign and was surprised by what happened next: John paused the camera on me (so I was definitely visible) and then we winked at me..from stage!! I was so shocked I didn't know how to react.
The rest of the show passed without incident. The crowd got less moshy and the pyro got better. The "Monster" growl was epic and "Hero" was just as amazing as always.
After the concert ended, I walked back to my tent in a daze, compltely skipping the Disciple show and lay down on my sleeping bag and penned into my journal:
"In that one instant, it no longer mattered about the scars I have or the hurts I've felt...people DO care whether I live or die and I will forever cherish this night." -7/8/09
God was starting to radically change my heart, and I had no clue.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
My Story: How Skillet Saved My Life **not for the faint of heart**
Okay...so...my story...this is the LONG version, with more details to help you understand it...I apologize for how long it is and I also apologize if there are horrible grammar errors, I'm afraid if I read through it all again I might not send it, so here it is ♥
In middle school...
I was physically abused for nearly 5 years by a cousin who is the same age as me. I'm naturally short and he is extremely tall, which just made it easier for him to hurt me. I put up with the bruises and the pain for so long...I used to blame him as the reason I began cutting, and maybe that's true but I could have stopped, I just never did.
I went about 3 years without self harming and then my senior year of high school, I fell...HARD.
For starters, band and music.
Since the 6th grade, band has been my only extracurricular activity...and then in high school I did other music extracurriculars like show choir, playing my flute and such but band has always been my thing. Flute, my passion. Well, I was so excited for my senior year of high school because I figured that since I had practiced and worked so hard for SO long, that I finally would get to shine...its no secret that seniors ALWAYS get the solos in our band, the director just does things that way. Well, my year I had to compete with another girl named Meg who always hated me, just because I loved to play flute. She must have been jealous, I don't know why because I never thought I was that amazing but she did EVERYTHING within her power to make band miserable for me. She got every single solo that year by telling our band director that I said I didn't want any...I didn't speak up for myself because I didn't want to seem childish and plus, I was never like that, I was always the suffer in silence type...so, in band I got shoved to the back burner and really lost my passion. Every single class period I would leave fighting back tears because my dreams were crashing around me.
In addition to that, my best friend since elementary school got a horse, and she got involved in riding and showing, western style, and I was cool with that, you know, her own passion. Well, she left me in the dust. Everything was about her horse and riding and I did not matter to her anymore. She forgot my birthday that year and that is when I knew I had completely lost her. I would call her and leave a message and she would never call me back. I'd help her with homework during school and in turn she would leave our group projects for me to finish, she was using me I just couldn't see it. So, we had a falling out...which made me incredibly lonely, she was the one friend who knew me inside and out and now she wanted nothing to do with me. The end of our senior year we got into a fight and she said that if she had to choose between her horse and me she chose her horse because he was worth more in her eyes. That really hurt.
Through this time I was cutting, it just worked...I couldn't cry but I could express my pain by cutting myself. Also during this year's time, my dad, who has seizures, was on a medication that made him angry and violent all the time. I hated being home worse than I hated school, and school was torture but at home I was constantly criticized and whenever there was an available solo that I didn't get my dad put me down saying I didn't want it bad enough or I didn't have the talent. Also, since my dad got fired from his job for blacking out at work one day, he had to go on disability which meant my mom had to go back to work and she ended up working customer service at Gander Mountain--retail, which gave her inconsistant hours--we never knew when she'd be working. So...I became my sister's mom. I cooked meals and cleaned the house and basically ran our house...and dealt with school and friends and by this point I wanted to hear nothing of God. I was hurting so bad and felt love from nobody or nothing. I felt dirty because I had a secret that consumed me and I had no one to trust it with. I was sinking lower and lower into depression.
Then I met Emily. She was in my AP Lit class and played trumpet in band with me. That March of our senior year, we had a music trip to Boston (we have one every 4 years) and her and I sat by each other for most of the trip. Towards the end of the trip we went to the Boston Symphony orchestra and it was at night and we had to dress up for it and I didn't own any long sleeve dress shirts, 3/4 length yes but of course that didn't cover all of my scars...and while chatting on the bus, I stretched out my arm to grab something and through the sheer material she saw my scars. She said nothing until we were back at school, but she said I could trust her. And I was desperate for acceptance and friendship so I did. She was there for me for the rest of that school year, encouraging me and just being a friend. But she wanted me to stop cutting...and at that point it was just a terrible addiction that I couldn't control. She ended up getting very angry at me and stopped talking to me because I refused to seek help for my depression.
Losing her friendship pretty much put me over the edge, it was just a series of little explosions that led to a big and terrifying decision--to end it all.
Now, I'm not proud of this whatsoever because I still cry thinking I almost didn't make it out of that time in my life alive.
But, I planned it all out.
I wrote my letters, figured out my method, created an amateur will for what little stuff I had and then waited for the planned day.
Well, the day I planned to kill myself was beautiful, it seemed so surreal to me. I mean, I was already numb and I was going to die so in my head rain seemed more appropriate...well anyway, I woke up early that morning and I'm not normally a morning person but I awoke wide awake and decided to do somethings for the last time.
Well, around 10:30 in the morning I got a text from a friend saying she missed me and that she wanted to hang out and she asked if she could come over? Of course I said yes, she was the one person who I still counted as a friend and saying goodbye to her was on my list of things to do for the last time. We were never very close but she was always fun to be with. Yeah I had to force happiness around her but it was always easier around her than usual.
So she came over and was messing around with my phone and she goes "did you know there's this website where its free and you sign up and can make your own ringtones and stuff??" and I didn't know anything about it so she goes "well I'm TOTALLY putting some good ones on here! what songs do you want? pick 3" so I did and she added a 4th but I didn't know that til later that day.
Well, we hung out for like 3 hours and took a bunch of funny pictures and such and I thought "at least they will have recent pics to use at my funeral" and I hugged her and told her goodbye with a finality in my voice that I knew she did not hear.
I passed the rest of the time that day journaling. I wanted people to know what was going through my mind and why I was doing what I was doing. I did not blame one person I just wrote about my life and how nothing could ever go right and how the one thing I wanted--love--had evaded me and since it had been for so long there must not be any in the world to be had. I still have those journal pages.
So I wrote and listened to music-- mostly Evanescence and Breaking Benjamin...definitely not helping my mood. And I waited til dusk and changed into the clothes I wanted to wear and then I left my house.
(this is where it gets hard for me to talk about)
About a mile from my house (I live just outside of the city limits of a smallish town) there is a river and a bridge that, at the time, was not well traveled because of road construction. My plan was to cut my wrists and then jump, there would be no hopes of being saved and I figured I'd pass out from loss of blood before I'd feel the pain of drowning. So, I walked to the bridge. It took me about 20 minutes cuz I was walking slow and listening to music and just taking my time.
I got to the bridge and had 3 things on me: my phone, to send a goodbye text telling someone what I was doing, my mp3 player (I didn't have an ipod yet), and my sharpest razor blade.
I sat on that bridge for the longest time contemplating life and death and God and faith while listening to my music. I remember the final song I listened to before I took my headphones off was by Sarah McLachlan, it's called "Fallen". I listened to that song and felt like it was my time. So I shut off my mp3 and set my phone down and picked up my blade.
I climbed to the edge of the bridge and firmly grasped the blade and questioned God, "If it's so important for me to be here then how is this so easy for me? Why don't You care??????!!" and as I prepared to cut...my cell phone went off...with...a Skillet song... *wipes a tear away remembering* "NO! YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE! WHEN DARKNESS COMES I'LL LIGHT THE NIGHT WITH STARS!" ...it was a text from my friend who had been over earlier that day, she sent me "Hey girl, just wanted to let you know how much fun I had today and that I love you!! I hope we get to see each other again soon! Love ya! ♥ "
I crumpled to the ground and cried for the longest time. After I was done crying I stared up at the sky and saw the BRIGHTEST stars... and whispered "Okay, You DO want me here...I will stay" and I went home.
The next day I downloaded all Skillet off iTunes and began learning about the band...and joined the boards and became a Panhead and not too long after that became the Craziest Panhead....Since that day my dream has been to thank the band for what they have meant to me and I cannot wait until that comes true =]
Sorry it was so long...wow I type so much -_-
In middle school...
I was physically abused for nearly 5 years by a cousin who is the same age as me. I'm naturally short and he is extremely tall, which just made it easier for him to hurt me. I put up with the bruises and the pain for so long...I used to blame him as the reason I began cutting, and maybe that's true but I could have stopped, I just never did.
I went about 3 years without self harming and then my senior year of high school, I fell...HARD.
For starters, band and music.
Since the 6th grade, band has been my only extracurricular activity...and then in high school I did other music extracurriculars like show choir, playing my flute and such but band has always been my thing. Flute, my passion. Well, I was so excited for my senior year of high school because I figured that since I had practiced and worked so hard for SO long, that I finally would get to shine...its no secret that seniors ALWAYS get the solos in our band, the director just does things that way. Well, my year I had to compete with another girl named Meg who always hated me, just because I loved to play flute. She must have been jealous, I don't know why because I never thought I was that amazing but she did EVERYTHING within her power to make band miserable for me. She got every single solo that year by telling our band director that I said I didn't want any...I didn't speak up for myself because I didn't want to seem childish and plus, I was never like that, I was always the suffer in silence type...so, in band I got shoved to the back burner and really lost my passion. Every single class period I would leave fighting back tears because my dreams were crashing around me.
In addition to that, my best friend since elementary school got a horse, and she got involved in riding and showing, western style, and I was cool with that, you know, her own passion. Well, she left me in the dust. Everything was about her horse and riding and I did not matter to her anymore. She forgot my birthday that year and that is when I knew I had completely lost her. I would call her and leave a message and she would never call me back. I'd help her with homework during school and in turn she would leave our group projects for me to finish, she was using me I just couldn't see it. So, we had a falling out...which made me incredibly lonely, she was the one friend who knew me inside and out and now she wanted nothing to do with me. The end of our senior year we got into a fight and she said that if she had to choose between her horse and me she chose her horse because he was worth more in her eyes. That really hurt.
Through this time I was cutting, it just worked...I couldn't cry but I could express my pain by cutting myself. Also during this year's time, my dad, who has seizures, was on a medication that made him angry and violent all the time. I hated being home worse than I hated school, and school was torture but at home I was constantly criticized and whenever there was an available solo that I didn't get my dad put me down saying I didn't want it bad enough or I didn't have the talent. Also, since my dad got fired from his job for blacking out at work one day, he had to go on disability which meant my mom had to go back to work and she ended up working customer service at Gander Mountain--retail, which gave her inconsistant hours--we never knew when she'd be working. So...I became my sister's mom. I cooked meals and cleaned the house and basically ran our house...and dealt with school and friends and by this point I wanted to hear nothing of God. I was hurting so bad and felt love from nobody or nothing. I felt dirty because I had a secret that consumed me and I had no one to trust it with. I was sinking lower and lower into depression.
Then I met Emily. She was in my AP Lit class and played trumpet in band with me. That March of our senior year, we had a music trip to Boston (we have one every 4 years) and her and I sat by each other for most of the trip. Towards the end of the trip we went to the Boston Symphony orchestra and it was at night and we had to dress up for it and I didn't own any long sleeve dress shirts, 3/4 length yes but of course that didn't cover all of my scars...and while chatting on the bus, I stretched out my arm to grab something and through the sheer material she saw my scars. She said nothing until we were back at school, but she said I could trust her. And I was desperate for acceptance and friendship so I did. She was there for me for the rest of that school year, encouraging me and just being a friend. But she wanted me to stop cutting...and at that point it was just a terrible addiction that I couldn't control. She ended up getting very angry at me and stopped talking to me because I refused to seek help for my depression.
Losing her friendship pretty much put me over the edge, it was just a series of little explosions that led to a big and terrifying decision--to end it all.
Now, I'm not proud of this whatsoever because I still cry thinking I almost didn't make it out of that time in my life alive.
But, I planned it all out.
I wrote my letters, figured out my method, created an amateur will for what little stuff I had and then waited for the planned day.
Well, the day I planned to kill myself was beautiful, it seemed so surreal to me. I mean, I was already numb and I was going to die so in my head rain seemed more appropriate...well anyway, I woke up early that morning and I'm not normally a morning person but I awoke wide awake and decided to do somethings for the last time.
Well, around 10:30 in the morning I got a text from a friend saying she missed me and that she wanted to hang out and she asked if she could come over? Of course I said yes, she was the one person who I still counted as a friend and saying goodbye to her was on my list of things to do for the last time. We were never very close but she was always fun to be with. Yeah I had to force happiness around her but it was always easier around her than usual.
So she came over and was messing around with my phone and she goes "did you know there's this website where its free and you sign up and can make your own ringtones and stuff??" and I didn't know anything about it so she goes "well I'm TOTALLY putting some good ones on here! what songs do you want? pick 3" so I did and she added a 4th but I didn't know that til later that day.
Well, we hung out for like 3 hours and took a bunch of funny pictures and such and I thought "at least they will have recent pics to use at my funeral" and I hugged her and told her goodbye with a finality in my voice that I knew she did not hear.
I passed the rest of the time that day journaling. I wanted people to know what was going through my mind and why I was doing what I was doing. I did not blame one person I just wrote about my life and how nothing could ever go right and how the one thing I wanted--love--had evaded me and since it had been for so long there must not be any in the world to be had. I still have those journal pages.
So I wrote and listened to music-- mostly Evanescence and Breaking Benjamin...definitely not helping my mood. And I waited til dusk and changed into the clothes I wanted to wear and then I left my house.
(this is where it gets hard for me to talk about)
About a mile from my house (I live just outside of the city limits of a smallish town) there is a river and a bridge that, at the time, was not well traveled because of road construction. My plan was to cut my wrists and then jump, there would be no hopes of being saved and I figured I'd pass out from loss of blood before I'd feel the pain of drowning. So, I walked to the bridge. It took me about 20 minutes cuz I was walking slow and listening to music and just taking my time.
I got to the bridge and had 3 things on me: my phone, to send a goodbye text telling someone what I was doing, my mp3 player (I didn't have an ipod yet), and my sharpest razor blade.
I sat on that bridge for the longest time contemplating life and death and God and faith while listening to my music. I remember the final song I listened to before I took my headphones off was by Sarah McLachlan, it's called "Fallen". I listened to that song and felt like it was my time. So I shut off my mp3 and set my phone down and picked up my blade.
I climbed to the edge of the bridge and firmly grasped the blade and questioned God, "If it's so important for me to be here then how is this so easy for me? Why don't You care??????!!" and as I prepared to cut...my cell phone went off...with...a Skillet song... *wipes a tear away remembering* "NO! YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE! WHEN DARKNESS COMES I'LL LIGHT THE NIGHT WITH STARS!" ...it was a text from my friend who had been over earlier that day, she sent me "Hey girl, just wanted to let you know how much fun I had today and that I love you!! I hope we get to see each other again soon! Love ya! ♥ "
I crumpled to the ground and cried for the longest time. After I was done crying I stared up at the sky and saw the BRIGHTEST stars... and whispered "Okay, You DO want me here...I will stay" and I went home.
The next day I downloaded all Skillet off iTunes and began learning about the band...and joined the boards and became a Panhead and not too long after that became the Craziest Panhead....Since that day my dream has been to thank the band for what they have meant to me and I cannot wait until that comes true =]
Sorry it was so long...wow I type so much -_-
Monday, July 13, 2009
Skillet Dream...yeah, another one O.o
I was at this benefit thing and it was very small and private and my parents were there and my younger sister Anita was too and so were the members of Skillet: John, Korey, Jen and Ben. Well, at one point in the dream, my mom, sister Anita and I were off by a side room or something like that, basically away from the crowd and main event and I told Anita how excited I was that John was there cuz maybe I would get to chat with him for even 5 minutes and Anita and my mom both started tearing my dream down and making fun of me saying that John would never want to talk to me cuz I wasn't worth it and I started crying and told them to stop, "Okay okay just stop I get it" and they just kept jeering at me and finally Anita loudly goes, "Yeah, why would the lead singer of Skillet want ANYTHING to do with a worthless loser who cuts herself??" and she and my mom were laughing. I couldn't take it anymore so I ran out of there to the outside of the building and around a corner to a secluded spot near these bushes and a rock that would hide me from people and I dropped to the ground and cried and cried and was so overwhelmed by pain that I finally just reached into my bag to pull out a blade when all of a sudden, I heard a voice say, "So you like this quiet spot too!" and I jumped so badly and turned around and there stood John Cooper with a big smile. I was still crying and in my attempt to not look stupid, I hastily tried to wipe my eyes and in doing so, the blade I had almost dug out of my bag fell to the ground, though I did not realize it at the time.
So John comes over to me and he goes, "I hope you're not angry...but I was around the corner and heard what your family said to you and I want you to know that nothing they said was true. You are NOT worthless, you are beautiful and worth everything and (he paused and we sat down on the huge rock that was there) despite the fact that you cut yourself ( a tear rolled down my cheek) I DO want to talk to you. That is exactly why I came right out here when I heard that and saw you run...and it looks like (he pauses and reaches down to pick up the blade I didn't realize dropped), it looks like I was just in time."
His eyes flicker to my arm and though I am trembling with fear, I let him see the many scars.
The tears fall faster and my head sinks lower as I feel more and more shame consume me...but then, John lifts my face and puts his arm around me and hugs me as I cry and he softly sings, "The last night you'll spend alone, I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go." and my voice catches in my throat and sobs take over my body and he just let me cry it out.
When I'm done crying, he goes, "I want to show you something, okay?" ...and I nod. He then unzips his sweatshirt and takes it off (the black and red ribcage one from the comatose part 2 tour) and he holds his left forearm out. The word "forgiven" is tattooed right there in front of me and it's so beautiful I'm speechless. Little do I know that that isn't all...
John goes, "Look right...here..." and he points to a space just before the "F" and I can see very faint pink lines...his own scars.
I gasp and look up into his eyes and he just smiles and says, "Just remember: His blood covers your scars and pain and you are completely forgiven."
Finally I am able to smile and I timidly ask if He has time to hear my story and he smiles back and replies, "You bet! This benefit thing is kind of boring anyway....they don't even have any Dr. Pepper!" and I laugh and I finally get to tell him the story of how if it weren't for Skillet and their music, I would not be here right now. After I finish, he hands me my blade and I go "Hold on just a moment." and I hop up and run to the nearest trash can and throw it out for good. I come back and he's gone, but on the rock where we sat was a little leather bound journal. On the inside were 2 pictures: one of his tattoo with a circle around his scars and the other of us two sitting on the rock smile and laughing and talking. Inside the journal on the cover he inscribed, "the last night" lyrics of,
The last night you'll spend alone, I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go.
and a special message on the first page:
"Liz-- you are worth it. Never forget that!! I hope you never have to feel that way ever again. If you ever need someone and you have no one, here is my cell number, call me and I will be there.
So John comes over to me and he goes, "I hope you're not angry...but I was around the corner and heard what your family said to you and I want you to know that nothing they said was true. You are NOT worthless, you are beautiful and worth everything and (he paused and we sat down on the huge rock that was there) despite the fact that you cut yourself ( a tear rolled down my cheek) I DO want to talk to you. That is exactly why I came right out here when I heard that and saw you run...and it looks like (he pauses and reaches down to pick up the blade I didn't realize dropped), it looks like I was just in time."
His eyes flicker to my arm and though I am trembling with fear, I let him see the many scars.
The tears fall faster and my head sinks lower as I feel more and more shame consume me...but then, John lifts my face and puts his arm around me and hugs me as I cry and he softly sings, "The last night you'll spend alone, I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go." and my voice catches in my throat and sobs take over my body and he just let me cry it out.
When I'm done crying, he goes, "I want to show you something, okay?" ...and I nod. He then unzips his sweatshirt and takes it off (the black and red ribcage one from the comatose part 2 tour) and he holds his left forearm out. The word "forgiven" is tattooed right there in front of me and it's so beautiful I'm speechless. Little do I know that that isn't all...
John goes, "Look right...here..." and he points to a space just before the "F" and I can see very faint pink lines...his own scars.
I gasp and look up into his eyes and he just smiles and says, "Just remember: His blood covers your scars and pain and you are completely forgiven."
Finally I am able to smile and I timidly ask if He has time to hear my story and he smiles back and replies, "You bet! This benefit thing is kind of boring anyway....they don't even have any Dr. Pepper!" and I laugh and I finally get to tell him the story of how if it weren't for Skillet and their music, I would not be here right now. After I finish, he hands me my blade and I go "Hold on just a moment." and I hop up and run to the nearest trash can and throw it out for good. I come back and he's gone, but on the rock where we sat was a little leather bound journal. On the inside were 2 pictures: one of his tattoo with a circle around his scars and the other of us two sitting on the rock smile and laughing and talking. Inside the journal on the cover he inscribed, "the last night" lyrics of,
The last night you'll spend alone, I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go.
and a special message on the first page:
"Liz-- you are worth it. Never forget that!! I hope you never have to feel that way ever again. If you ever need someone and you have no one, here is my cell number, call me and I will be there.
Stay strong,
John Cooper"
John Cooper"
I woke up from this dream this morning and have been thinking about it all day... no, none of this ever happened and I doubt that John Cooper ever self harmed but to me, it was a very powerful dream that I will never forget. ♥
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Yay I'm Posting Again!!
Hey everybody!! (=
I know, I know I haven't posted in quite awhile!! I'm sorry!! lol I've just been sooo busy!!
Hmm...let's see what's been going on...well, I went to Minnesota & visited my brother & his family for 2 weeks, which was just an amazing great time, I really love them a lot...especially my niece! Haha her name is Allie & she's 3 and I taught her the first verse of the Llama song which I thought was especially funny cuz now anytime someone says "llama" or "duck" she starts to sing it!! LOL. It's even funnier cuz her brother, my nephew, who is 12 (I think, yes? lol) get annoyed by the llama song so it's funny that I taught her to sing it! LOL. While I was staying there, almost every morning she'd wake me up by either singing the llama song or cheerfully shouting "Aunt Elizabeth, it's time to get up!!" haha it was the cutest!! :) While I'm on that subject, I should like to announce that come the end of July, I will be moving to Minnesota :) My brother & sister offered for me to stay with them and then I'd be able to go to school in the city and work there and basically have a lot more opportunity than I do here in the Burg. I'm very excited because I'm not going to be a teacher anymore...after taking a couple of lit classes, I just determined teaching really is not my thing, I don't think I could do it every day for the rest of my life you know? And well, being on student government taught me a lot about myself cuz I had to put myself out there and do things that made me uncomfortable so I'm changing the direction of my life and that is exciting!!
At this point, I'm kind of annoyed with myself for taking so long to decide this because if I would have moved sooner, I'd have been able to get a job sooner...I mean, how much sense does it make to get a job here and then 2 weeks later quit cuz I'm moving? lol. Yeah none at all lol, which a very trusted friend pointed out to me. (haha thanks girl!! you always know how to keep me from doing dumb stuff! lol). BUT I'm taking a year off of school (well a full time year off, I might take a class or two on the side yet) to work and figure things out with people who will offer constructive advice, unlike my parents...anyway moving on!!
While I was at my bro's I got to visit 2 wonderful people whom I met in Disaster Relief last summer, Randy & Elaine!!! The last time I'd seen them was Empower in January so it was incredibly exciting to be able to have lunch with them while I was visiting! Love those ladies!! Hehe. And Randy asked me if I'd talk to the other Liz & we could see about volunteering at the kid's camp at her church in August!! It's a week long thing and by then I'll be moved into my brother's and Liz & Randy & Elaine & I are going to do a fun sleepover, hanging out every single moment we can thing,, which will be just wonderful...haha look out Minnesota, with the 4 of us together, you're going to NEED disaster relief! LOL. But seriously, I am pumped for this because I love working with kids and spending time with my favorite people in the world is a plus!! (=
And...well since I've been home, well, the day I got home, it was the Relay for Life cancer thing and as soon as I got home I had wanted to go see my dad walk the survivor's lap cuz I remember what it was like when we found out he had cancer and now all these years later, its huge that he still gets to walk that lap ya know? Unfortunately, I had gotten motion sick on the drive home & ended up going home and pretty much sleeping from like 5 pm til the next morning, it was awful...ugh motion sickness=horrible!!
But then the next day was awesome cuz Liz came over & we got to hang out!! It was the best cuz we went to an Isaiah 42:10 concert in Wautoma and REPRESENTED! lol we are #1 fans let there be no question!! haha and we all joked about how Jeff (Kelly's dad) REALLY needs a haircut lol and how at one point during the show, he couldn't even see to play cuz his hair was so long and that pretty soon he'd be doing hair commercials!! LOL oh funny stuff!! But yeah, we totally rocked out and had a blast & me & Liz found this AWESOME little footbridge that went over a very tame creek, but it was gorgeous and not many people had been to it we think so that was fun & peaceful...and while we were driving home from the show, the sunset was to DIE for so we had to get out of the car & take pics over the Wisconsin River...it was breath taking!! I love sunsets!! But anywho, we got home & me & Liz got ready for bed (lol it was like 11:30!!) and ended up laying in the dark talking til 1 a.m. and haha we had church the next morning! lol.
So the next morning we had a wicked amazing church service!! That day marked the final payment on our church's mortgage!! It was an awesome celebration Sunday!! I remember when our church stepped out in faith to take out the loan to build a bigger sanctuary onto our church because our membership had grown so much we had had to go to 2 services in order to fit into the old one...and now...we have the HUGE sanctuary and may have to go to 2 services again!! Isn't God amazing?? But anyway, we had celebration & a carnival like thing for the Promiseland (Sunday school) kids who had finished the year awesomely and we had like 15 baptisms I think which is always a joyous occasion and while everyone else was eating lunch (ugh I was NOT hungry...lol, I had too much sugar the day before!!) I noticed Becky Waddel trying to eat while holding her little one (she's a single mom) and I offered to hold her little guy while she ate and I could tell she was grateful and that made me smile cuz I love kids hehe.
And...I think that's about all...oh wait my car lol!! oh yes...stupid car! Lol.
Well, before I had left for Minnesota, my dad said it sounded like something in the engine was missing and that while I was gone, he'd get his friend (who works on cars for a living) to check it out & the guy did and some cap thing was cracked in the engine & almost all of my sparkplugs were bad...so yeah, the day of the concert when Liz was over, I had to take my car to this guy's house and drop it off...I was afraid I'd need it and not have it! Lol. But Don fixed it right up and 2 days later I had it back again better than when I bought it!! Ahh I'm thankful my dad has friends like that cuz he hardly charges anything for servicing vehicles,, we pretty much just have to buy the stuff & he'll fix it for almost nothing, he's a really great guy!
Well I'm getting tired now woo hoo the caffeine from earlier today is finally wearing off!!
Goodnight all & hope you enjoyed my update =)
I know, I know I haven't posted in quite awhile!! I'm sorry!! lol I've just been sooo busy!!
Hmm...let's see what's been going on...well, I went to Minnesota & visited my brother & his family for 2 weeks, which was just an amazing great time, I really love them a lot...especially my niece! Haha her name is Allie & she's 3 and I taught her the first verse of the Llama song which I thought was especially funny cuz now anytime someone says "llama" or "duck" she starts to sing it!! LOL. It's even funnier cuz her brother, my nephew, who is 12 (I think, yes? lol) get annoyed by the llama song so it's funny that I taught her to sing it! LOL. While I was staying there, almost every morning she'd wake me up by either singing the llama song or cheerfully shouting "Aunt Elizabeth, it's time to get up!!" haha it was the cutest!! :) While I'm on that subject, I should like to announce that come the end of July, I will be moving to Minnesota :) My brother & sister offered for me to stay with them and then I'd be able to go to school in the city and work there and basically have a lot more opportunity than I do here in the Burg. I'm very excited because I'm not going to be a teacher anymore...after taking a couple of lit classes, I just determined teaching really is not my thing, I don't think I could do it every day for the rest of my life you know? And well, being on student government taught me a lot about myself cuz I had to put myself out there and do things that made me uncomfortable so I'm changing the direction of my life and that is exciting!!
At this point, I'm kind of annoyed with myself for taking so long to decide this because if I would have moved sooner, I'd have been able to get a job sooner...I mean, how much sense does it make to get a job here and then 2 weeks later quit cuz I'm moving? lol. Yeah none at all lol, which a very trusted friend pointed out to me. (haha thanks girl!! you always know how to keep me from doing dumb stuff! lol). BUT I'm taking a year off of school (well a full time year off, I might take a class or two on the side yet) to work and figure things out with people who will offer constructive advice, unlike my parents...anyway moving on!!
While I was at my bro's I got to visit 2 wonderful people whom I met in Disaster Relief last summer, Randy & Elaine!!! The last time I'd seen them was Empower in January so it was incredibly exciting to be able to have lunch with them while I was visiting! Love those ladies!! Hehe. And Randy asked me if I'd talk to the other Liz & we could see about volunteering at the kid's camp at her church in August!! It's a week long thing and by then I'll be moved into my brother's and Liz & Randy & Elaine & I are going to do a fun sleepover, hanging out every single moment we can thing,, which will be just wonderful...haha look out Minnesota, with the 4 of us together, you're going to NEED disaster relief! LOL. But seriously, I am pumped for this because I love working with kids and spending time with my favorite people in the world is a plus!! (=
And...well since I've been home, well, the day I got home, it was the Relay for Life cancer thing and as soon as I got home I had wanted to go see my dad walk the survivor's lap cuz I remember what it was like when we found out he had cancer and now all these years later, its huge that he still gets to walk that lap ya know? Unfortunately, I had gotten motion sick on the drive home & ended up going home and pretty much sleeping from like 5 pm til the next morning, it was awful...ugh motion sickness=horrible!!
But then the next day was awesome cuz Liz came over & we got to hang out!! It was the best cuz we went to an Isaiah 42:10 concert in Wautoma and REPRESENTED! lol we are #1 fans let there be no question!! haha and we all joked about how Jeff (Kelly's dad) REALLY needs a haircut lol and how at one point during the show, he couldn't even see to play cuz his hair was so long and that pretty soon he'd be doing hair commercials!! LOL oh funny stuff!! But yeah, we totally rocked out and had a blast & me & Liz found this AWESOME little footbridge that went over a very tame creek, but it was gorgeous and not many people had been to it we think so that was fun & peaceful...and while we were driving home from the show, the sunset was to DIE for so we had to get out of the car & take pics over the Wisconsin River...it was breath taking!! I love sunsets!! But anywho, we got home & me & Liz got ready for bed (lol it was like 11:30!!) and ended up laying in the dark talking til 1 a.m. and haha we had church the next morning! lol.
So the next morning we had a wicked amazing church service!! That day marked the final payment on our church's mortgage!! It was an awesome celebration Sunday!! I remember when our church stepped out in faith to take out the loan to build a bigger sanctuary onto our church because our membership had grown so much we had had to go to 2 services in order to fit into the old one...and now...we have the HUGE sanctuary and may have to go to 2 services again!! Isn't God amazing?? But anyway, we had celebration & a carnival like thing for the Promiseland (Sunday school) kids who had finished the year awesomely and we had like 15 baptisms I think which is always a joyous occasion and while everyone else was eating lunch (ugh I was NOT hungry...lol, I had too much sugar the day before!!) I noticed Becky Waddel trying to eat while holding her little one (she's a single mom) and I offered to hold her little guy while she ate and I could tell she was grateful and that made me smile cuz I love kids hehe.
And...I think that's about all...oh wait my car lol!! oh yes...stupid car! Lol.
Well, before I had left for Minnesota, my dad said it sounded like something in the engine was missing and that while I was gone, he'd get his friend (who works on cars for a living) to check it out & the guy did and some cap thing was cracked in the engine & almost all of my sparkplugs were bad...so yeah, the day of the concert when Liz was over, I had to take my car to this guy's house and drop it off...I was afraid I'd need it and not have it! Lol. But Don fixed it right up and 2 days later I had it back again better than when I bought it!! Ahh I'm thankful my dad has friends like that cuz he hardly charges anything for servicing vehicles,, we pretty much just have to buy the stuff & he'll fix it for almost nothing, he's a really great guy!
Well I'm getting tired now woo hoo the caffeine from earlier today is finally wearing off!!
Goodnight all & hope you enjoyed my update =)
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Betrayed by my Heart
Let me explain the title of this post.
I have previously written about how I have a decision to make regarding my future.
A decision which I do NOT take lightly and a very hard decision at that.
In order to help my decision, I decided to get away from home for a couple of weeks and
visit my brother--where my potential move would be.
And while I have been here...I have noticed how different I am.
I'm SO much less depressed.
I smile and laugh a lot more.
Basically...I feel like I belong here.
But I also feel like my heart has betrayed me...I mean, my home...the only one I have
ever known and my heart is telling me here is where I should be.
There is such a huge part of me that does not want to leave home and that makes the other
part of me (the part that says I need to do this,, its MY life and I need to live it) feel so inferior and stupid.
I'm still so torn and the choice is weighing quite heavily on my heart tonight.
Prayers are appreciated *sigh* ♥ peace <3
I have previously written about how I have a decision to make regarding my future.
A decision which I do NOT take lightly and a very hard decision at that.
In order to help my decision, I decided to get away from home for a couple of weeks and
visit my brother--where my potential move would be.
And while I have been here...I have noticed how different I am.
I'm SO much less depressed.
I smile and laugh a lot more.
Basically...I feel like I belong here.
But I also feel like my heart has betrayed me...I mean, my home...the only one I have
ever known and my heart is telling me here is where I should be.
There is such a huge part of me that does not want to leave home and that makes the other
part of me (the part that says I need to do this,, its MY life and I need to live it) feel so inferior and stupid.
I'm still so torn and the choice is weighing quite heavily on my heart tonight.
Prayers are appreciated *sigh* ♥ peace <3
Friday, June 12, 2009
Frustrated and Tired Where Do I Go From Here?
Mmk so, the title of my blog today is from the Relient K song "For the Moments I Feel Faint" and that line just seems to be me lately. I do not know where to turn, what to do, who to go to anymore. I'll try to sum this up as short as I can, but I'm not making any promises:
Okay so..I have the choice to make--whether I will stay living at home for more than a year and going to school here OR to move in with my older brother & his family who live about 4 hours away,, and starting my life over there.
And I'm so scared to choose.
I've done pros and cons for both in my head and still cannot come to a conclusion.
If I move to Minnesota:
-I will be able to start fresh
-I'll be working for a year instead of school [most likely]
-I won't have to deal with my family & its drama
-I'll be leaving behind my nightmare of the last 2 years and completely starting over
-I'll be able to see my brother & his fam more
-I'd get to see Randy & Elaine more often
-Eventually I'd be moving into my own apartment,,totally on my own
-There would never not be something to do
but...
-the city scares me
-my car doors do not lock
-I'm terrified of driving in the city
-I'd be quite lonely because I'd be leaving my friends behind
-I wouldn't have a church family anymore
-my whole life I have lived here and I do not know
how to live anywhere else
-If something happened to mom or dad while I was gone and one
of them got sick, I would never forgive myself
-I would be on my own for everything I need from now on
-I wouldn't see my sisters everyday...and we're pretty close,,
I know I would miss that
-I'd be leaving my best friend behind...the one who has stood by
me through a lot of tough shit since we've been friends,, she's the
only one who really knows me ♥
As you see, I could go on and on and on and on...and my main incentive for leaving I think is because my parents do not care what happens to me. Just the other day, my dad was talking to his brother on the phone about me, where I could hear him and he uttered the words "She's 19 and doesn't do anything,, pretty much worthless" and that cut deep. I always kind of knew that I don't belong here, I'm not the prize child, no that is Anita...but it still hurt nonetheless. I was born premature and it was a miracle I survived so at times like this I can't help but think that maybe I wasn't supposed to survive.
Anywho, there is my blog about my decision. If I could I would love to talk it through with Ben, because he is pretty objective and could really help me decide this and not make any decision hastily...but I don't think he wants to because he hasn't answered my email message. Oh well I'm leaving tomorrow for a week or two visit to my brother's to help me decide...we'll see what happens when I get back and how it all goes down.
...More than anything I could really use a hug right now. *sigh* and such is life.
Okay so..I have the choice to make--whether I will stay living at home for more than a year and going to school here OR to move in with my older brother & his family who live about 4 hours away,, and starting my life over there.
And I'm so scared to choose.
I've done pros and cons for both in my head and still cannot come to a conclusion.
If I move to Minnesota:
-I will be able to start fresh
-I'll be working for a year instead of school [most likely]
-I won't have to deal with my family & its drama
-I'll be leaving behind my nightmare of the last 2 years and completely starting over
-I'll be able to see my brother & his fam more
-I'd get to see Randy & Elaine more often
-Eventually I'd be moving into my own apartment,,totally on my own
-There would never not be something to do
but...
-the city scares me
-my car doors do not lock
-I'm terrified of driving in the city
-I'd be quite lonely because I'd be leaving my friends behind
-I wouldn't have a church family anymore
-my whole life I have lived here and I do not know
how to live anywhere else
-If something happened to mom or dad while I was gone and one
of them got sick, I would never forgive myself
-I would be on my own for everything I need from now on
-I wouldn't see my sisters everyday...and we're pretty close,,
I know I would miss that
-I'd be leaving my best friend behind...the one who has stood by
me through a lot of tough shit since we've been friends,, she's the
only one who really knows me ♥
As you see, I could go on and on and on and on...and my main incentive for leaving I think is because my parents do not care what happens to me. Just the other day, my dad was talking to his brother on the phone about me, where I could hear him and he uttered the words "She's 19 and doesn't do anything,, pretty much worthless" and that cut deep. I always kind of knew that I don't belong here, I'm not the prize child, no that is Anita...but it still hurt nonetheless. I was born premature and it was a miracle I survived so at times like this I can't help but think that maybe I wasn't supposed to survive.
Anywho, there is my blog about my decision. If I could I would love to talk it through with Ben, because he is pretty objective and could really help me decide this and not make any decision hastily...but I don't think he wants to because he hasn't answered my email message. Oh well I'm leaving tomorrow for a week or two visit to my brother's to help me decide...we'll see what happens when I get back and how it all goes down.
...More than anything I could really use a hug right now. *sigh* and such is life.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Freaking Out
Okay, so my junior year of high school, which is close to 3 years ago, there was this pretty big incident that happened with a guy at my school. This guy happens to be the son of the associate pastor at our church, who I am pretty close to. However!! He moved away to finish his senior year in Oklahoma and is now going to college there BUT his dad, Ben, is getting ordained on the 7th of June...and he is coming home. I hate facing my past...quite frankly it terrifies me. He was here for Christmas and ended up at the Christmas Eve service & I could tell he wanted to say something to me, but I was a HUGE chicken and kept my back turned to where he was and kept up a conversation with my 2 sisters the whole time...luckily they understood enough to keep it going. I hate the feeling that comes with it because it was a huge mistake I made,, one of the biggest screw ups I've ever done, and every time he is around, my heart pounds like crazy and it's really hard for me to breathe...like a panic attack. AND to make things worse...after I am able to escape being around him or whatever, I *always* get that panicky self injury feeling again.
So basically, I'm terrified out of my wits to go to this ordination thing, but I know it's a huge deal for Ben & I really want to be there & support him, he has meant a lot to me in the past 2 years.... *facedesk* Anyone want to chip in and get me a plane ticket to Texas? One way? Cuz that would be lovely :)
So basically, I'm terrified out of my wits to go to this ordination thing, but I know it's a huge deal for Ben & I really want to be there & support him, he has meant a lot to me in the past 2 years.... *facedesk* Anyone want to chip in and get me a plane ticket to Texas? One way? Cuz that would be lovely :)
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