Lost in Indifference

I don't care. Really I don't.


I have said these words so many times in the last year, the last TWO years. I am sick of lying to myself. When I let myself not care, I sink. When I let myself give in to what other people want everytime, I'm a doormat. When I don't even try to think about what I want, I'm hopeless. People ask me what I am going to school for and I always reply with the automatic response "Teacher. A high school English teacher."
Great they say. Job security they say. Good choice for your life they say.

It feels wrong.
I don't know how to make it right.
College. I hate college.
I thought...thought it would be great. I thought it would be my chance to shine.

But I can't stand going there.

I feel like I'm being sucked into a life I don't want.
It feels wrong.
I can't get peace about it.

But there is not a thing I can do about it.
I can't change now.

I have already decided.

I have considered getting my associate's degree and taking time off...
My thoughts have even considered leaving home. Without telling anyone.

And moving somewhere where no one knows me.
Or maybe near a place where I have friends or a friend.

Things get so bad sometimes that I just sit and cry and have no clue what is making
me cry. The other night, I got home from class and cried so hard I couldn't breathe and
then had a panic attack. What on earth could that be FROM?

I have 4 final exams and then school is over for this year.


I'm having a hard time even having Skillet pull me out of this.
Sinking into another depression I fear.
I need an escape.
And I certainly need help.
56 days til Skillet in oshkosh at lifest.
Can I make it?


I'm trying to remember the stars but all I see is darkness everywhere.