to blog or to scream?

i'll blog. i'm so frustrated with sooo much right now. frustrated with where i stand with God, frustrated with relationships, frustrated by the fact that i'm sick with a cough and a cold just mere days before the concert i've been looking forward to for months, annoyed that i'm feeling like this, sick of feeling like this, wishing i could just snap out of it and wake up or something because all i feel is madness. i want to snap and just scream out loud. when my parents look at me and congratulate me for how perfect i am i just want to scream in their faces that i'm not that i need to be free to make mistakes that i need to be free.

note: this blog was written the thursday before the disciple concert.

wow. reading this and then knowing how i am now...is incredible. i am only posting this so i can look back and see the change. for those who are wondering, yes, i am blogging about the show just please be patient i can only "write" during certain times and i've been very busy lately. it's a good third of the way done so stay tuned.

short update

i realize i've not been posting again but i really don't have anything to post ABOUT... i celebrated my 20th birthday yesterday and am actually officially CELEBRATING it on friday at a concert. disciple and decyfer down, i'm thrilled ♥ i'm not sure at this point whether i'm going with jen or not but i know my little sister is going with me and i'm very excited about that because her liking christian rock is a HUGE step. i'm sooo excited she's been asking to borrow my skillet cd's and my disciple stuff. she's been hacking my itunes all the time from her desktop computer and just yesterday she stole my ipod (while laughing of course) because she would rather listen to my music than hers, it makes me incredibly happy. umm and i realize i never DID get around to blogging about my kenosha visit like i said i would and i apologize i just got really crazy busy and never actually got around to making a coherent blog, and also a lot of the things that were revealed to me and happened were pretty personal so maybe i shouldn't blog about them anyway *shrugs* anywho, i DID turn in my application for SOW and i didnt actually audition but the whole app is in aside from the audition so **crosses fingers** i guess only time will tell... i'm really nervous about it though, i always worry so much i should really stop that. ugh its after 12 and i still need to edit this video footage for my little sister's spanish project. **yawn** i can sleep when i'm dead right? lol. okay well that's a little update for you hopefully i will blog after the concert on friday =) i don't even think anyone reads this anymore but that's okay. peace. ♥

A Change of Pace

Alrighty this is just a really quick update (since I'm trying to do so more often since I've neglected this thing for so long...). Basically, it's about 11:30 at night and early tomorrow morning my parents and I are taking off for KENOSHA!!!!!!! I am very excited to go back there & see people again, visit some familiar places, meet some new faces and most of all, show my parents the church & school and such, introduce them to Cara and Heidi (who they've seen photos of and heard me mention in passing). I'm excited to introduce them to Kal and show them that just because LLC believes in tongues and head coverings and other things that seem "extreme" and "crazy" to them, they are just normal, everyday people who love Jesus just like they do. Honestly, I'm quite on edge about this weekend. It could either go really well or really awful, now, I do not believe it will be awful, er...well I believe it shouldn't. My dear friend Elraen has repeatedly told me, God's got this, He's planned this, it's going to go the way He wants it to....so really, I need to stop worrying and just RELAX...which I don't think will happen until we are on the road but hey I can think it right? :P

I plan on making a vlog this weekend for a few select friends to see (probably not everyone but...maybe, I'm not sure yet) so if nothing else, be prepared for some photos :) I'm armed with a new, epic, awesome, FUN camera and I'm not afraid to use it! *wields like a sword*

OH! Speaking of swords!!!! At work we have these foam ones for our next floorset and man did we have fun with those today when they got there!! Me and 2 of the managers (gahh I love those ladies! haha we ALWAYS have fun!) were like "fighting" with them, it was amazing. I even got to properly use the words "touche" and "engarde" without hurting anyone! haha. okay well i do believe my nails are dry and that i really should finish my packing and get to bed! oh yeah... i have to write out my Christian testimony in 100-120 words first o.O maybe i'll do that on the way down...it shouldn't be TOO hard should it? eek.

pray for me? :)

♥

I'm Only Me When I'm With You

It's about time I blog again :) I've been awakened yet again by love's tender, patient embrace therefore, how dare I stay silent? The last two weeks have been incredible and I know life will only continue to amaze me! First of all, my dear friend Jared was home for his spring break last week and he stayed at my house long story short. Naturally, this meant TONS of hanging out & fun times. We did multiple photoshoots, found waterfalls and hidden beauty in nature, watched movies til no end and played one epic game of apples to apples. It was great having him home because, while I had to work nearly every day he was here, we found time to do stuff so we were constantly busy, and for me on my own it's very easy to seclude myself in my room with my music and a notebook or my laptop...but when he was here we were outside ALL the time and just doing stuff, it really was great. The second to last day he was home, I picked up an early morning shift (knowing I'd be exhausted) and that afternoon we took off to Madison for the Rock and Worship Road Show!! Bands on the tour included: Sidewalk Prophets, Remedy Drive, Francesca Battastelli, Fee, Family Force 5, David Crowder*Band, and Mercyme. I'm still undecided as to whether I want to post a full concert review or not yet...it was amazing though. I didn't go with a mindset like I had for any concert ever before. I decided it was the rock and WORSHIP road show therefore my sole aim would be to worship God and simply seek Him throughout the music and the lights and the noise. Needless to say He showed up so amazingly I was overwhelmed. I loved on Him as much as I could give and it was INSANE and AMAZING just how He reciprocated...I gave my all and He tripled it, easily. Incredible. I also have a new music love! Yes yes I am now one of those crazy Family Force Five lovers xD it was hilarious actually because I only knew one song by them and I was taking photos and vids for my friends and my little sister who wanted to go but couldn't...and somewhere between "Love Addict" and "Radiator" I fell in love :) I knew what their music was like recorded but live...wow...it was SUCH an amazing energy rush! Adrenaline in a show! Soul Glow said one of my favorite lines from the whole night when he introduced the band, "We are Family Force 5 and we like to shake our badonkadonks for Jesus!" LOVE IT!!

Moving on, Fee was really awesome & got me pumped with some LIVELY worship (my favorite kind!) I mean, as much as I love slow, deep worship, there are just times when jumping and shouting for God are necessary, and he certainly covered that! Then during David Crowder's set...ahh. I was expecting him to do the song "How He Loves" since they just did a recording of that song on their new album "Church Music" and I was not disappointed. That particular song, however, has a very special place in my heart because it is one of those "songs" I have with a friend and it encourages both of us and moments after the song began I was crying because God just showed UP and covered me in His love. When you've struggled in the past with self-hate and not liking who you are, the lyrics of that song will hit you in a way that brings you to your knees. So anyway, it was ridiculously awesome. The set continued on and Mercyme was up next.

Now, Mercyme was the one concert I was kind of wary about...I honestly had no idea what would happen. Both times prior to this that I had seen Mercyme, God just showed up when I was not even expecting Him to, and it's not like Mercyme is in my top 5 fave bands, nor do I hate them, they're just kinda in the middle. Let me explain this a bit further. The first time I saw Mercyme, many years ago, I was a very young teenager and I honestly was not searching for God, at that point in life I honestly could care less about Him, even though I was raised in a Christian home. Anyway, my parents actually forced me and my two younger sisters to go to this Mercyme concert, it was the Undone tour and the first Christian show I'd ever been to, only the 2nd concert of my life. And I remember... I went there ticked because I was supposed to hang out with my best friend that night but because of the concert I was forced to cancel our sleepover. I was mad. Well, the show started with some opening artist I don't remember and then there was Jeremy Camp (back before he was really popular!) and then another group I don't recall, and finally Mercyme. They were a good chunk of the way into their set and I remember this moment...during the song "Here With Me"... the lyrics grabbed me, they wouldn't let me go and I felt God SO strongly for the first time in my life, I was brought to my knees it was insane. Anyway, my younger teenage self didn't have a clue what was happening, except that it was so REAL. Now, looking back, I fully believe it was the moment the Spirit came upon me and I was filled for the first time ever. I was never taught about that but now that I've learned more, that's what I think it was. Even though I was not strong or sure in my faith at the time, I could not deny that it was God. ANYWHO! That was the first time I saw Mercyme. The 2nd time I saw them was last summer at the Joyful Noise Festival in St. Paul, Minnesota with my sister in law, niece and nephew. That show, Bart (the lead singer for those who were unaware) spoke about following God no matter what He tells us, especially when we're afraid, and just a week before, God had spoken to me about making music a huge part of my life and the school of worship, then they played the song "Finally Home" with a video of images of soliders coming home...some alive some not and well, my older brother was still overseas then & yada yada it was a powerful set that's all lol. Basically, this time would be the third time of seeing them without making an effort to do so and...they didn't disappoint =) if nothing else, the song "I Can Only Imagine" and the slideshow with it was enough to make anyone tear up.

In addition to the concert, life itself has been pretty spectacular!

I've been able to get out and be outside and use my camera quite a bit (getting familiar with it is definitely nice) and now... in just two days I'm going back to Kenosha for a visit. I'm rather jittery yet excited. My parents are going with me this time and I think that's why I'm so nervous, I'm kind of afraid...afraid that they will judge me and not stand behind me in my decisions and yet I know that even if they don't support me, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing & it shouldn't matter but there are certain things that they have an issue with and okay it's almost 2 a.m. and I'm babbling so I'll just end this and sleep xD Peace readers ♥

Dear Blog Readers...

I have not properly blogged in ages and I apologize but it's very hard to blog when you are depressed and life just goes on day after day without looking up at all.

Maybe in time things will change, until then I'm on a blogging hiatus.

Songs and Life.

Alrighty...I decided to change up things a bit and blog about a song. Yes, a song.

I know there is more than one person out there who will understand when I say I related to music in a way that is supernatural, music speaks to me and I see God more clearly through songs and melodies. That said, I've decided to do a few blogs, maybe one a week, we'll see how that goes, about a song that is speaking to me or has been speaking to me. This thought occurred to me this afternoon as I was driving to work & listening to music. The sun was shining, I had a good song playing (the one i'm going to be blogging about as a matter of fact) and it was decently warm in my car so I was quite joyous and content. Anywho I connected deeply to this song for a few minutes and it occurred to me that those kinds of things are what I should be sharing in my blogs, not just ramblings about my life but things that have meaning to me. Annnnd...thus my blog idea was birthed. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, being the first time I've attempted something like this, but hopefully it will encourage my readers and maybe get them to see this song a little differently, appreciate it more than they already do.

If you don't own this song, here is a youtube link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0pCk12v0EQ

Alrighty, now to the main point of this blog--the song!

(please put all music, artist, genre prejudices aside & hear me out!)

"Life Again" by Decyfer Down.

Okay, now why is THIS song so significant? To be honest I simply do not know. It could be the melodies, it could be the rhythm, it could be the lyrics, although I doubt those things are what most grabs me when I hear it.

I believe God uses music to speak to me and I think today He uses this song to grab my attention, I wasn't listening to anything else on this one point (one moment and I'll elaborate) but then I caught the lyric and the chord and it all crashed over me like songs do and for the first time it HIT me. Okay, onto my point.

I'm going to pick apart the lyrics of this song & explain meaning & thoughts behind them ( my own meanings & thoughts of course.)

I don't remember the last time I could say
I was where I wanted to be

This is very relatable to me & other people in general, especially Christians. we get so far from where we want to be in our lives & relationships, especially our relationship with God, the hook of the song relates and pulls you in.

still you see through this mask

hiding all my flaws

We can hide nothing from God, we might fool everyone else but not Him.

you see something down deep in me...

He sees something in us and He loves us despite our masks & flaws, despite anything else in our lives, He sees the deepest parts of us. This is the lyric that really got me because I struggle SO much with self-worth and how I view myself. Even when I think I deserve nothing, I am worth nothing, God sees something in me and gives me unconditionally love. It's so mind-blowing. Undeserved but still given.

Bring me back so that I can feel you again
take me to that place I was before

When we've lost who we are and we've pushed God away, the chorus of this song lends a thought or a prayer, bring us back God, take us back to that place of deeper intimacy, let us feel You and Your love. We've been running but we want to come back where we belong. The prodigal looking for an ounce of love from the Father he doesn't deserve it from.

all I want is to hold my head up high

We want to rid ourselves of the guilt and anguish and sin, hold our heads up high and be children of the King once more.

so take this life and set aflame again

Our longing is to be on fire for Him. His sacrifice has proven to be more than enough time and time again and though we've been cold to the touch, we crave His fire to dwell within us once more.

Still I linger around
a life unchanged
I just cant break the cycle now

We've been lit on fire by God but then...we wake up the next day and things don't seem any different and we forget our pleadings and our Beginning. We've gone back to what we once were, let ourselves fall back into the pattern of living without life. It's an endless cycle of destruction that tears apart the soul & we're caught once more.

I feel I've lost my hope

trapped in my own mind

You can't have hope without God. The mind is dangerous when explored alone as Renee Yohe once said. Sin traps us into thinking we have no hope, that we are stuck with ourselves because why would God want something as messed up as me?

break these thoughts that are clouding me.

With one last cry for change, we sing to be broken out of the destruction and the chains. Rid us of these thoughts and this bondage of sin. Free us.

Bring me back so that I can feel you again
take me to that place I was before
all I want is to hold my head up high
so take this life and set aflame again

Back into the chorus, we remember what it was like to be free, to know the fullness of a REAL life. A life with God in complete control.

Again, Again,
set my life aflame again...

Not wanting to fall back into that destructive pattern, we plead for a never-ending fire in our hearts and souls. We pray for deliverance from ourselves. We sing the words with passion because we want them to be true.

Bring me back so that I can feel you again
take me to that place I was before
all I want is to hold my head up high
so take this life and set aflame again

Bring me back so that I can feel you again
take me to that place I was before
all I want is to hold my head up high
so take this life and set aflame again

End with a double helping of the chorus to remind us with Whom our dependence lies. We can't do anything ourselves except that which He gives us and strengthens us with. It's a reminder that we ARE in fact dependent on Him and that He wants us to be. Our flame will only last as long as it's connected to the source.

anonomous is a word i can never spell correctly.

okay, well anywho, the point to this blog is that i have a formspring: http://www.formspring.me/lizschanke and that people (anyone) can ask me questions on it & it's completely anonomous if you want it to be. i've been typing that word a lot & i keep screwing it up :P so ask me questions! okay yup good.