i don't blog anymore

i just realized that i don't really blog anymore.

and i wondered why that was and i remembered that

i'm working on closing my thoughts off from people.

i'm getting tired of being judged by the people i consider

friends, just because i'm not living up to their standards

and because we have that "friend" status, they feel like it's

okay to say things that normally one would never say to someone

else. not only am i tired of being judged, i'm tired of everyone

trying to FIX me. i wasn't asking to be fixed, i wasn't expecting

to be fixed. i just wanted a FRIEND. someone who will say

"i'm not going to try to change you, but i will be here if you need me"

i can't even COUNT the number of times i've listened to other

people's problems and stories and situations and never ever judged,

never said a negative word, maybe offered up ideas of encouraging

thoughts when asked or warranted but i've never ever tried changing

anyone. i only really have ever known one person (in real life, no offense

meant to my online friends) who has just sat there with me, not even

needing to make conversation, but also not judging what i say when i DO

talk. no. after high school when i was struggling, even though this person

hated me, they still sat with me one day through a movie and gave me

company. someone to feel safe with. this person is still willing to listen

even when they don't know what to say, who is, despite what they think,

a good friend. but i shouldn't be asking for that from anyone anymore.

it's an expectation i shouldn't ask of people, their lives are too busy. whatever.

but then who am i kidding? i'm a horrible friend. so how can i even tell

what makes a good friend?

anyway. the point of this blog is to say that if you're following along and

reading, that you shouldn't be surprised if i don't post anything of

substance for a good long while.

the conclusion of this jumbled mess?

i should not blog at 5 a.m.

even if i AM wide awake.