God is Sovereign.

He doesn't change!

no matter what we do or how far we fall, He's right there whispering "let Me carry you"

He's not angry with us, never unkind.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

after all these years of knowing Christ i'm STILL trying to wrap my mind around that!!

it had been quite a very long time since i'd fallen hard, and not too long ago i did.

i let the enemy's lies into my heart and mind and instead of fighting them with the

Truth that i KNOW, i believed them and embraced them.

told myself i was a screw up, a failure and was wrong all along.

PRAISE GOD for my friends in the faith!!

i was talking with one of my friends one night and she kept asking me

"how are you?" "how are you doing?"

and i replied "fine." " i'm okay how are you?" the common responses i use,

but she wouldn't relent. finally after a pause, she asked me

"okay seriously how are you?? and be honest!"

and that was all it took for me to break down and be completely honest with her.

i told her exactly what i was thinking and feeling and that i felt like a failure because

things aren't working out in my mind the way they should have been going.

she answered me, "so WHAT? you aren't a failure! and besides that, God still loves you

just as much even if you DID mess up, which i don't believe you did."

it was SO encouraging, but then i pushed those encouraging words out of my mind the

very next day and fell to my lowest. it was awful and my soul was in such pain and turmoil.

i literally could not go one hour without crying and i HATE crying especially in front of people.

but God didn't let me go :)

then the day after that horrid night, i was talking to one of my closest friends and was pretty

honest with her though it took me quite awhile to let it all out. when i had finished telling her

what happened she just said "i know." and then she told me "you need to take this to God you know." and i knew it, but i wasn't believing it. "quit fighting Him." she told me, "go spend some

time with Him and just TALK. tell Him everything. exactly how you're feeling and repent for

not listening when you knew you heard Him speak. so i got offline and at 2 a.m. i was laying in

bed trying to figure out how to speak what i needed to say, and i was listening to music like

usual and just BROKE. DOWN. i cried out to Him being completely broken and surrendered.

"okay i said, You win, i can't do this. i can't do ANYTHING. i'm so so broken. please carry me."

and finally exhausted at about 4:30 a.m., i fell asleep.

the next day was hard because i was still trying to condemn myself for my actions but i knew

that was wrong. so i kept trying that whole day. my friend told me in a very good analogy,

"the enemy is like a barking dog, he thinks that if he keeps yipping and yipping he will drown

out the Voice of the One you need to hear most. if you listen to him repeatedly, he'll only gain

control over who you're listening to."

... this isn't everything and it's been a tough couple of weeks, but thursday i leave for milwaukee

to see Alyssa and stay with her for a couple nights, then we're headed to Kenosha where i'm

hoping and praying i will be able to hear God more clearly, away from the noise and distractions

of my everyday life.

thanks everyone who has been praying for me ♥