i remember...

so many things i miss. so many things my life no longer has. here's a small list.

i miss....

-laying under the stars on a blanket, with skillet and disciple playing as we talked about everything, making wishes on the falling stars and imagining pictures and shapes.

-headbanging in the pouring rain.

-pachew pachew.

-photography excursions. i've barely touched my camera lately.

-getting texts on break or at 3a.m. that are just meant to make me smile.

-having someone to talk to

-laughing. a lot.

-forgetting what crying myself to sleep was.

-foot jokes.

-looking at concert pictures from april. it's too hard now.

-how amazing it was to come home from my first rock concert and have someone to share it with

-happiness.

however...

it's never going to be like that again.

i want things to be different.

i want to not break down every single night and barely make it through the day.

i want to be happy and not try and escape things.

i don't want to hurt myself anymore.

can i just be with Jesus please? i would give anything.

Day 01

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

my inability to be comfortable around people. i always feel SO AWKWARD in social situations and i hate it.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

i am holding onto the visions i've seen of what i could be, it's what i should be.

this lyric is from a song by kutless used on the chronicles of narnia soundtrack.

i've often felt like this song was singing to me, but more now than ever... with the potential to be in a completely different city, totally on my own next year?

i talked to one of the school directors today about how things are going and my thoughts and it was really awesome...he was nothing but encouraging and that really empowered me to chase this more than i have been. to be more proactive...

okay slow down, rewind. i forgot what i've posted here in my blog and what some people just plain KNOW... so basically, i have applied and am hoping to be accepted to the Living Light School of Worship for this next school year. my application is in, i've visited, sat in on some classes, met the school directors and such. all of my experiences have been positive and my perception is that this is what God wants for me, i have absolutely no clue why, but nothing has ever felt more right... i have such complete peace about it, but then again i guess i knew a long time ago that i was meant to go to kenosha... so many things in my past that have pushed me there and i resisted...didn't go, stayed away...but now, i realize there is a purpose for me to go there, and whatever that is, i just have to trust God with it. even if i DON'T get onto the school of worship this year, i still need to go.

so anyway, i'm writing this blog to explain that i am still chasing this, and once again i have begun to chase after God again. i fall so so many times and it's harder to get back up everytime, but everytime He's there with His hand outstretched to help me up, the scars in his hands a reminder of what it cost Him to be there for me... and i am motivated.

love can motivate a lot of things ♥

so if you could all please pray for this for me, it would be really super awesome :)

i'm working right now, 2 jobs, plus i've started working on some fundraising ideas, so i am praying that if this is God's will, that He will open the doors and provide for me. some of my friends who are in a band are going to talk and see what they can do for me...which means more to me than anything because they are very dear friends (one of them is the reason i have a bass to play and know what i do!) well, it just means a lot that they would try and help me out :) it also proves to me that by pursuing this, God is going to reward my efforts and bless me and that astounds me. i don't get how some people can NOT love Him when He does such amazing things ♥ ahh well that's enough of an update for now =)

but you won't get to see the tears i cried.

behind these hazel eyes

-kelly clarkson

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore.

i dedicate this song to you. you know who you are. i can't trust you anymore and that kills me. i trusted you more than i've ever trusted any other friend ever. it hurts to know you don't miss me. it hurts because i miss you. the end of summer is coming up and i used to dream about us hanging out like you said so long ago. it's okay, don't worry though, cuz see, i don't cry on the outside anymore. i'm back to have a steel-smile. perfect on the outside.

"i throw up my hands, oh the impossibilities, frustrated and tired, where do i go from here?"

"i throw up my hands, oh the impossibilities, frustrated and tired, where do i go from here?"

this is a lyric by the band relient k and i think it was written just for me right now.

i don't know what to do or where to go with my life right now.

i know what God has spoken in the past.

i know what is happening right now with people.

but i am hurting.

the people i once trusted to be loyal friends have turned away from me, i only have 2 people i really trust deeply anymore, both of which are 3+ hours away from me at this point in time.

i am VERY confused by the one who said she wasn't going to be like my old friends when they left me, and then she did. now she's saying she never left? that isn't true because she isn't here for me and hasn't been for months now, i was just too blind to see it until it was too late and now? now i am hurt.

i'm sick of the deep wounds. the scars that don't have time to heal.

i'm really getting sick of friends and trusting people.

dear God, i am hurting. and guess what? my heart is shattered again.

paying for others mistakes?

so another friendship has ended and as i'm looking back on the last 5 years and how things have gone with my friends, i'm finding it weird that with every one of those friendships, i've been compared to other people in the lives of my ex-friends.

in one friendship (from AGES ago) i was compared to another of our friends who was unreliable simply because i was so busy with other things in my life at the time. i was in school and she was not.

in another friendship, it was me being compared to an ex-boyfriend (really? seriously?)

when i was friends with katie and things ended, i was being compared all the time to her horse instructor. why didn't i love horses like she did? why wasn't i going to her shows all the time? why didn't i go to the barn to visit her and ride her horse?

and now... with jen... i was compared to her old friends, i was compared to her parents relationship? what?!!

i don't care if your past is messing with your current life, that is something you need to be sorting out for yourself. it isn't fair to hold people up to what other people have done. like Orlando tells Helen in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, "don't make me pay for his mistakes." it's the SAME THING!!!!!!!

is it my fault that this keeps happening to me? is it the kind of friends i'm choosing? is it just a human flaw?

i'm very confused with this and i'm getting very tired for apologizing for other people's mistakes. i shouldn't be taking the blame for them or how they've changed/shaped my "friends" so from now on i'm not going to.

see original post:

http://lovegodloveothersloverock.tumblr.com/

new blog.

okay so i caved and got a tumblr, though i still will PROBABLY post here on occasion...or the things worth posting anyway. the thing with tumblr is that you can add photos and links and even voice recordings and such, it's like blogger times ten. anywho here's the link for my tumblr, look for more updates there from me :)

http://lovegodloveothersloverock.tumblr.com/