peace. be still.

why is it that i always expect God to follow my own timetable?

just this week for example, i've not known and not known, and not known

where i will be living yet when i get to kenosha.

God spoke to me about it, and i just kept doubting.

the place I will put you will be short-term, but it has purpose.

okayyy... and where might that be?

talk to Ian. talk to Kal. talk to Beth.

talk to Cara. talk to Heidi.

still nothing, no ideas.

"Okay God, any day now would be great."

be patient. I need you to trust Me.

"i trust you... i do. now just let me know where i'm living please?"

in my distrust and lack of faith,

He was silent for a few days.

heart aching, i searched and hungered to hear Him.

i would dive into verse after verse of Scripture, seeking

guidance, reassurance, anything to quiet my anxious thoughts.

"this isn't going to work."

"i'm not going to have a place on time."

"what am i going to do THEN??"

and then in the midst of it all, when least i expected it,

Peace. Be still.

and everything was okay.

wake up the next morning and it would be the same thing all over again,

yet still, those very same words would echo in my mind, and in my heart.

in the deep recesses of my soul, they would resound.

stillness.

and so i would drop everything i was doing and cleaning and packing didn't matter.

that moment, i was to respond.

grab my Bible, maybe put on some soft worship music.

and listen.

sometimes speak, but mostly, listen.

and be comforted.

building trust in me.

woke up this morning like i used to wake up from nightmares,

gasping for breath and feeling like the carpet had been yanked out

from under my feet.

it's that feeling i used to get on my days off, like i was late for work,

or had missed some important thing and ruined everything.

anxiety i guess you could call it.

it came back strong and i was NOT happy.

as i drove to town to run some errands, my heart just would NOT

quiet down and my mind was racing.

i voiced my thoughts to a friend in a text and her reply

hit me really hard:

uh, don't worry about it? hun you HAVE to let go.

trust Him with a faith that says, You HAVE to come

through for me because You HAVE to, because i'm trusting You.

and i was like...

wow she's so right.

and then i was reminded of a quote from a House episode that

i still love but am only starting to understand,

"you have the choice, either faith or fear."

and i realized that was SO TRUE.

i had been choosing to be afraid of the unknown instead of

believing it was completely known by God and i was safe

because of that.

so i stood up, grabbed my phone and attempted for a fourth

time to contact the person i believe i will be living with.

this time she answered.

and though we were only able to chat briefly

since she had class, i know everything will

be okay. it's going to be allllllright =)

that's what faith can do.