"overwhelmed i say goodbye"

"welcome back my innocence,

how i have so longed to see your face again

overwhelmed i say goodbye,

as the pages turn i say goodbye,

passing by the end of my life.

pages turn, memories burning away,

ashes celebrate,

You're washing me, consuming me,

as i'm falling on Your sword,

You're washing me, branding me with grace,

innocence reborn"

-----------------

this is my last week living at home. my last week working in the Dells.

my last week of this season of my life.

everything is about to change.

-----------------

February was an intense month for me.

my life changed completely.

for those of you who do not know what all went down,

let me recap it for you the best i can. (also let me state that

if you wish to talk about it further or have questions, you can

comment here or catch me on facebook, twitter or anywhere

really :)

alright.

February. the beginning of the month.

the state of my mind and body and soul was terrible at best.

i was in an extreme depression, often thinking suicidal thoughts,

and for the first time ever, i began to battle intensely with anxiety.

going to work was a fight for me, and just interacting with people drained me

so much that a 5 hour shift would cause me to sleep for 14 hours and still feel

tired. honestly i was not in a good place with my relationship with God, i was

pushing Him away, running from Him and just plain not accepting His love.

to anyone reading this you might say "well DUH there's your problem" to which

i would reply, "well DUH i know" but when you are in the middle of depression,

fully believing you deserve the pain and suffering you are dealing with, and when

the enemy has a strong grip on you because you let him, it's NOT that easy to break

free.

this was me.

February 5, 2011. The Rock and Worship Road Show in Madison, Wisconsin.

the lineup consisted of, MercyMe, Matt Maher, Anthem Lights, The Afters, and...surprise

performers? Disciple. i had already planned on going to this because TFK and Jars of Clay

were supposed to be there and perform but due to illness, both were not able to play that night.

But Disciple was in the area and agreed to play one show on the tour. i was amazed that it was

the one show i went to. God was clearly starting something.

shortly before the rock and worship road show, i had corresponded with Kevin Young about

something related to the band and promoting them for their tour etc. i had planned on going

to a show in Ohio which ended up not working out, and because i was promoting that tour date,

i was supposed to get free tickets to the show, well, since i wasn't going, i emailed Kevin, letting

him know that i would not be able to make it, thank you for the kindness of the free tickets,

and hope to catch you at a show sometime soon. purely business. well, i was completely shocked

when his reply was "cool. thanks." and then he went on to ask about me. how was i doing, what

was going on in my life. he finished the message by saying i was special to him and for some

reason i had the hardest time with those words. i wasn't anything special, why did he say that?

why did he say those things? didn't he have better things to do than waste time on a paragraph

in an email to a fan? i replied, utterly confused by why he offered this kindness out of nowhere.

i wasn't used to that. people never wanted to know how i was REALLY...and he did?

eventually it ended up where i opened up to him and with such tenderness and kindness, he

replied to my hurting and pain-filled words. for the first time in ages, someone cared. that gave

me hope.

fast forward back to the road show. i was a nervous wreck. i had been vulnerable and open with

him about darkness in my life. it was hard to do through email, and now i was going to see him

in person? talk about anxiety problems. even though we hadn't been talking much, i was more

thankful than she probably knows, that jen was with me. surrounded by that many people at

the show, if i would have been by myself, i would have had a melt down at that point in time.

lots of people, lots of activity and tons of noise of course. all of those things with an intense

anxiety problem? talk about a recipe for disaster. but...it didn't turn out that way. the bands all

performed and jen and i were hanging out by the table with amanda who we looooove :) she's

basically the best chick in the band...oh wait... the ONLY chick. yeah. we love her to death :)

so yeah, we got to hang with her and then the band came out to sign after the show was over,

and jen and i could care less about autographs, we just wanted to see the guys! er...jen did. and

i did too... but i was also afraid. no, terrified. and anxious. and full of nerves. and dizzy because

i hadn't eaten anything in two days. great combination. anyway, we got in line and jen made me

go in front of her, so in case i fainted, she could catch me (told ya, i love her!) well i had my copy

of 'southern hospitality' to get signed just so i could see the guys cuz there were a LOT of people

and going through empty handed got you glares from security. so, kevin was first in line and i

was shaking. i set my cd down and he looked at it, noticed my tattoo, signed the cd, did a double

take, looked up at me, grinned and yelled in excitement. i was SO nerved up that i JUMPED and nearly knocked jen over. he then grabbed me into a hug across the table ( i swear, he loves doing that xD and i am SHORT!) and he just looked me in the eye and quietly asked "how are you

doing?" i whispered 'okay' but it was loud and i didn't think he heard me, much less believed me.

i moved on down the line and we joked and chatted with the guys and once we got to the end, we

turned to walk away and kevin goes "Liz! we love you! and i am SO glad you are here" still full

of nerves and anxiety, i walked away totally shell shocked by what had just happened. he was

aware of the darkness and terrible things in my life, and he was HAPPY to see me? what was

wrong with him? i was so lost in thought, jen and i got lost. haha. anyway, that was weekend #1.

February 12, 2011. Rules of Engagement Tour. Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

just a couple days before this show, i had had a TERRIBLE day followed by an even worse night of insomnia and being attacked by the enemy. self injury was a reality once again and i was contemplating worse things. everytime i would start to think of "escape routes" i would be reminded of one particular night in Rhinelander, Wisconsin, where Kevin Young made me promise him that i would not give up. i promised and no matter how hard i tried, i could NOT break that promise. something in me held me to that promise. well it was about 4 am and i still hadn't slept, was EXHAUSTED, weary, crying and hurting, and very out of it due to the sleeping pills i had taken that weren't working. i tweeted something along the lines of "having a terrible night. can't stop thinking about the promise i made @DiscipleKevin months ago now." after tweeting it, i dropped my phone on my chest and just cried and cried as i listened to "eternity" by Disciple. that song kept me going months earlier and on this night, it was okay, but it wasn't really helping. then my ipod switched and the song "invisible" came on and i was SOBBING. that was me, i was invisible. no one cared and i was hurting. all of a sudden in the pitch black of my room, my phone lit up and my first thought was who on earth is awake at this time of the morning? i opened the text to see this from twitter: "DiscipleKevin: @bandmonkey08 I am a big fan of that promise. Philippians 4:13. You can all things THROUGH Christ who gives YOU strength" it was now 5:19 am and i was in complete shock. i didn't even THINK he would read my tweet. what were the odds? so, with tears rolling down my cheeks, and my very very tired and confused brain just churning, i passed out from exhaustion finally about 6am.

this was the only show i actually PLANNED to attend. i chose to drive an hour out of my way

just to pick up the amazing alyssa kristine so that she could come to the show too :) lyssa and

i both got to the show at like 3:30 in the afternoon...for those of you who are unfamiliar with

show timings and such...we were about 3-4 hours early for the doors to even open. however, i

was ready to talk to kevin in person and i fully believed i would get to, though, i was still under terrible anxiety and didn't know exactly how i would be able to speak. my heart was ready, but

my soul and mind were still afraid. lyssa and i met up with trent shortly after arriving and that

was pretty much epic, we got to chat with him and hang out for a very long time and that was

definitely a highlight of the show for me, with him being fairly new to the "band" part of the

band, i feel like he gets skipped over sometimes, when, in fact, he's a pretty much amazing

person. if you haven't met him yet or talked to him, you fail, and should get on that :) anywho,

we hung out with trent for awhile, then micah and andrew showed up and started getting their

instruments together and were hangin around by the stage, and then yay amanda showed up

and that was a great time because i was able to help serve and carry in merch for her, and i

LOVE helping out more than anything. they do so much, giving back pales in comparison :)

then amanda went to go eat with andrew and she asked us if we wanted to come with her and i

said, "if you don't mind" and she smiled and said "of course not!" so lyssa and i followed her and

just hung out some more. this time, we were chilling with trent and micah, who, when we sat

down, were in an intense debate about cheese, which, being from wisconsin, i had a thing or two

to say about cheese, so i joined right in the discussion, like it was ridiculous. we were arguing about it like it matters :P haha. it was great though, i was so involved, i had forgotten my anxiety, wasn't nervous, and felt like i was among family. shortly after this debate was underway, i was saying something about how awesome wisconsin cheese is and how sucky california cheese is and all of a sudden, lyssa, sitting next to me, just FREEZES and i noticed (i'm very observant when it comes to people) and only then did i notice Kevin had walked in. that

was all it took for my anxiety to come back hardcore and all of a sudden i could barely breathe and my hand were shaking. at this point, i was SUPER thankful for my amazing friend mary

who just so happened to be texting me and reminding me that it was okay, and that i was safe with these people. kevin grabbed some food and sat down across the table from me, and before he even started eating he just kept smiling at me and i could barely make eye contact, i was still very much consumed with darkness and dark things. after silence and a few bites of kevin eating, he looked up at me and our eyes locked and he asked me how i was. i couldn't answer, and my hands were shaking so badly, breathing was difficult. the anxiety just would NOT let me go. i tried to say "i'm okay" but as i went to pick up my phone, he could see my hands were shaking and he looked at them then at me again and said "i saw your tweet." *pause* "do you want to talk?" my heart skipped a beat and i nodded, but then kind of looked around panicking at the amount of people there, and he lowered his voice and asked "later?" and i nodded again and whispered "yes please". he smiled and said okay and then went on to ask me what kind of music i listened to which somehow resulted in me handing over my ipod and him going through it.

fast forward to later, during the show, as the first few opening notes of "Invisible" began, i felt my knees instantly weaken and i had to grip the stage to keep standing up. God was speaking to my heart. walls were crashing down. i was FINALLY starting to feel His love, to understand it in a small fraction of it's fullness. for the first time since i first heard the song with the album's release, i let myself get carried away by the lyrics and the melodies pulled me in. several times as he was singing, kevin made eye contact with me and that pierced me to my core, completely shattering walls that i'd worked so hard at building up. then, as they got close to hitting the bridge, Kevin kneeled down, singing with intense passion the lyrics he had written for the lonely and broken,

I can see you as you're falling on your knees

and the next thing i knew, he was reaching out his hand and gripping my shoulder

you're not invisible to me.

i broke.

tears came flooding out, as lyssa and i gripped each other's hands and i just CRIED.

my heart was still hurting, but i knew everything would be okay. somehow. it just would.

----

February 19, 2011. Rules of Engagement Tour. Peoria, Illinois.

this show wasn't planned until the last minute. i was in Kenosha for 4 days, visiting friends and

was staying with the amazing heidi :) somehow we knew we had to go to this show in peoria and

even though it was a 4 hour drive from Kenosha, we were doing it. we spent the entire car ride there just TALKING and that was incredible and seriously healing for me, and also worshipping. the last 2 weekends had just totally blown me away and i wasn't angry at God anymore. my heart still wasn't in good shape, but it was the best it had been in a very very long time. and i was smiling again. jen met us at the venue and once the guys got there, they invited us into the venue to hang out and it was pretty amazing. by this point, andrew and israel both had (and now have) nerf swords (so if you're thinking of stealing anything from them just watch your backs!! they sleep with their swords in their bunks!!!!!!!!!) and we got to watch them battle pretty epicly. it was a very relaxed kind of day in which andrew told us the venue was our playground and we could go wherever we wanted. (ha for those who wondered, no, we didn't do that :P we were very respectful) and being females, the first thing we did was go in search of a bathroom when suddenly! we got arrested by security (they were very GOOD security! *nod*) and when we talk about it now we still laugh because jen was the one who used the term getting "arrested". later, when we were chatting about it, kevin got upset but we had to reassure them that we thought it was funny and we would MUCH rather them be safe with good security than them get hurt with relaxed security. (so next time security annoys you, remember, they ARE a sign of good). this time, we got to hang out with andrew quite a bit while he changed strings and tuned guitars (dude's a beast! he did double duty with project 86 on this tour, and that just raises his awesomeness level) then after while he went to go eat and was like "food's this way, c'mon" and we all just looked at each other and laughed and followed him downstairs to where catering was. he glared at all of us and refused to get food himself til all 3 of us had food (except i got away with not eating...haha long story but let me just say i cannot eat food before concerts. it neeeeeever ends well). so we sat down with him and amanda and a couple other awesome ladies and talked and hung out and laughed. a lot. (that just seems to happen when andrew's around) and after everyone else had pretty much left and eaten, the wild and mysterious Kevin Young appeared to scavenge some food as well. (ha it was a joke because he was almost too late haha) and he sat by us and we got to just hang out and talk and it was really great.

if i could never say anything else good about the Disciple gang, i would say that they LOVE and they love WELL. in the end, that helped my heart change and heal more than almost anything else.

after the show on this night, Kevin got up and spoke for 20-30 minutes.

and the topic?

LOVE.

i was blown away.

that was what God had been speaking to me, telling me.

going to ANY lengths to show me.

the walls around my heart were almost gone.

i was filming Kevin speaking and finding it very difficult because his

words were impacting my heart and i kept finding tears sliding down

my cheeks. it was SO weird for me, i'm usually very good at keeping my

emotions under control.

i knew i was getting close to a break down and alls i could do was hope it

wouldn't manifest itself in front of anyone.

after the show was over, jen and i went up on stage to help tear down and got started firstly

on trent's drums then i noticed kevin by the side of the stage drinking some water and i went over to him and threw my arms around him, hugging him super tight. i just needed it and i was

SO glad he just let me. finally i pulled away and with tears in my eyes i smiled at him and said "i need to go help trent. but thank you" and as i went one way, he headed off to another. so we helped tear down as much as possible then once i started to feel like i was just in the way (there were a lot bigger, stronger guys around lifting more than i could :P ) so i wandered off to see if i could help amanda out with merch at all, since i had a decent amount of experience with band merch and inventory (woo the fun side of road life!) and i was able to help her out which was fantastic then i got to give kevin another hug and just hang out there for a little while as i waited for heidi and jen to come out to where i was while the big strong guys loaded the trailer. after kevin finished the compassion paperwork, i asked if he'd like help carrying anything and he laughed because we had just said the same things one week before. i picked up the tube for the poster/sign and he said "alright follow me to the bus!" and so we did. then after hanging out on the bus for what felt like 2 hours of pure amazingness, it was that time for them to go so we said our goodbyes, gave our hugs and headed out ourselves.

not even 5 minutes after we'd gotten into heidi's car, did i feel the emotions begin to take over. neither one of us really felt like talking yet and she suggested i put on music and so i did. i started out with dear x, which i was singing strongly, yet in a terribly croaky voice because i might have yelled a lot earlier that night. and then it just HIT me and i apologized for changing it mid song but i HAD to put on "whatever reason" and as the song started, i realized the words cara had spoken to me weeks what seemed like forever ago, were about to come true:

the reason you have anxiety & panic attacks is because you are not secure in Christ, & the enemy has a severe hold on your life. i saw a picture of you in this dark cloud, like you were pushed down on the ground within it, but there was light all around the cloud of darkness...& occasionally little rays of light would begin to permeate the cloud, but you would actually push them away & not let them touch you. you could see them from a distance, but never wanted them to touch you. & God showed me that those little lights were people who love you & care about you, but that they can never dispel the darkness. HOWEVER, next i saw a change in you - you stood up in confidence & then the little rays of light began to seep through the darkness & touch your face. & once you let them touch your face, this BRIGHT light just ENGULFED you completely, & you looked completely different than you did before. as i was pondering this, realizing that the brightest light was God, i asked Him why He didn't just do that in the first place. & He said, "because i want her to CHOOSE me first. & then freedom will come." i believe that the two go together, once you choose to overcome, & you choose God over all other things in your life, you will be forever changed. you won't have stress & anxiety anymore. you will even LOOK different!

and as heidi drove, the music played on, i tried to sing but i could not.

the words "whatever happened with what went wrong,

i just want you to come home"

and i was crying and shaking from crying.

gasping for breath because all i knew right then was

LOVE as this prodigal began running home.

finally the song finished and the tears slowly dissipated.

i didn't have any anxiety anymore.

no nerves.

my mind was clear.

and free.

and i KNEW that God had wrapped His arms around me.

for the first time in over 3 years i felt perfect peace.

----

the following day (sunday morning, church/meeting)

----

the next day i attended LLCC-Kenosha with heidi and

EVERYTHING that day was about love.

the spark led with "your love is strong" which i was able

to shout and KNOW in victory. God's love that morning

was so THICK and REAL you could see it in the smiles of

children who were walking past. the word that was brought

was all about love as well and the word that i kept hearing in

my heart and in my head that morning was

RELENTLESS

and throughout that whole time, God was telling me, showing me especially visually,

through memories, evidences of His love and it's unrelenting passion for me.

-He used my favorite band to show me love when i wouldn't let anyone else in

-those timely instances with Kevin (ie: email and twitter)

-conversations with friends

-Disciple being at the rock and worship road show

-people at work saying certain things

...and it just went on and on.

then during announcements, Tim announced that V & C that night would be on

being baptized in the Holy Spirit and heidi just turned to me and was like

"Liz you need to go to that" she had to work and i was supposed to hang out with

cara so i was like "well i dunno...maybe we'll see" but something in my heart really

wanted to go...i didn't really know much about it other than what i'd learned from

cara and on my own in the last year and i was very curious. i knew it was something

i wanted, but i also was afraid. not of God, but of the life change i knew would follow

if and when it happened to me.

----

fast forward to v&c that night

----

cara and i got there super early and were sipping away at our starbucks and

ian (one of the church's elders)was there, he was teaching that night and

so as we tried to warm up a bit

(it was absolutely frigid!) we chatted and also talked with ian who remembered

my name and that i had wanted to do the school. i was amazed at that because

i hadn't talked to him in person before ever and for him to know who i was

definitely meant something to me.

well, ian went through the teaching and as i was sitting there throughout the

teaching, i was very much relating to ian's own personal testimony and also

i was being attacked by the enemy. he was trying to instill a fear in me of God

by putting thoughts into my head like "you'll be a freak if you do this" and

"do you want to be any weirder than you are now?" and on top of that, he

was attacking me with anxiety again. however, i was DONE with him and

even though it detracted from me listening to the teaching completely, i had

a couple of moments where i had to close my eyes and just speak out Jesus'

name and power over the situation and declare that i was NOT afraid of my

God and my Lord. there was nothing to fear with Him, not in the way the

enemy was trying to attack me with. finally ian finished the teaching and he

stated "alright, tim and i will be up front here, willing to pray with and lay hands

on anyone who would like to receive the Holy Spirit" and as soon as he spoke

that, i knew i needed to go. God spoke to me and just whispered "obedience"

alls i had to do was go up there and i knew He would be faithful. i knew what

would happen. He whispered for me to not fear His power, but to embrace it

and embrace Him.

Cara turned to me and smiled and asked 'so are you going to go up there?' and

i smiled weakly and replied "i think you already know the answer to that" so

she smiled back and stated "alright let's go!" she stood up and i felt so torn. i could

choose to say no and sit there, or stand and drag myself up there. i was afraid but

He kept whispering "I simply want your obedience" and so i began to stand up,

and i didn't even finish standing up before it could feel Him lifting and carrying me.

i did not walk to the front in my own strength, He carried me. i am sure of it.

once we got to the front, we went up to ian and began to pray.

ian prayed over me, then encouraged me to speak to God myself and out loud,

and then he lifted my arms up for me and physically i could feel the change.

ian instructed me to start to take deep breaths and as i did, i could feel myself

being filled like a jar getting filled up with water. i was concentrating on breathing

because it was just SO MUCH and as i was breathing, i was mouthing words and

then ian encouraged me to speak what i was mouthing (which i didn't realize i was

doing at first!) and i began to speak in a tongue and was praying and then very shortly

after that, we closed out of prayer and i had tears streaming down my face and i

practically tackled cara in a hug because she knew what it meant to me, and that i

had longed for this for a long time now. i was grinning and could not stop.

i hugged ian again as well and then we went back to where our stuff was and i just

FLOATED.

everything that was still holding me just VANISHED.

i have not had anxiety since that day.

yes, i've had hard moments and tough days, but

i have a JOY that i cannot explain, and a HOPE

that i cannot let go of.

everything has changed.

----

shortly after leaving the building, cara and i agreed we were starving and needed

food so we went to Ron's and just talked and still i was grinning and finally i looked

Cara in the eye and said "i'm moving here" and she smiled back and replied "i know."

----

fast forward a couple days to when i came home from that weekend and i was at work

talking to the assistant manager at my one job and told her that i was going to move

and that i'd love to transfer with the company and when our store manager was in the

next day i'd ask her to email for me, but she was like "oh i'll email for you, it's fine" and

within the hour the store manager from the store in Gurnee Mills called us saying he

had a spot open and was i serious. a mere 2 hours later and it was confirmed that i had

the job.

i was speechless at watching God move.

my current situation is waiting on a place to live, i have about 2 weeks.

am i nervous? yeah a bit, but i also totally trust that God knows what He is

doing and He will put me where He wants me. i have peace in that.

hopefully this gives you all a somewhat decent picture of what has happened to me in the last month. this week is my very last week working in the Dells and then i have one week to get moved and then i start working down in the Kenosha area.

He is faithful.

SO faithful.

note:

to anyone and EVERYONE who has taken time to talk to me, pray for me, do anything even remotely KIND, i would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, especially those of you who didn't give up on me, when i gave up on myself. just a few that i have named are Cara, Heidi, Kevin, Mary and Jen but i know there are TONS more of you out there and i am forever grateful for you all ♥

this new season of my life is going to be intense and a huge challenge for me,

but i have counted the cost of following Him. and i have found it to be worth it all ♥