this thought struck me.
maybe that's what God's been doing this whole time.
removing certain people from my life, bringing in others.
no one that i've come to rely on though, like past friendships i've had where i needed
to talk to people, needed to hear from them...no this has been different.
at first i thought "okay either i'm changing or other people are... and i'm scared."
i didn't want to lose touch with people i trusted, after all, i was trying to learn what living in
relationship with others was like...and how do you do that when there aren't people with accountability
in your life?? needless to say i was very confused.
and then i would grow closer to the Lord, hear Him better, when He would lead me to do something and i would
do it without hesitation, it was the most amazing thing. it felt like i had finally stopped fighting and was really
GROWING. i was inspired, excited, even joyful.
but... we all fall. we all have breakdowns. ultimately i think they are God testing our hearts (something new i've
been exploring, hence the blog post). well, mine entailed facts of life and my future and things that have been
hiding in darkness for a very long time finally coming to light. fears. a LOT of fears.
i spoke with kal about school of worship and how my application was going and he had some questions to get to know me better which i was completely okay with, it's not my story it's God's and i know i gain nothing by telling it. that said, speaking of my darkness and failures has never become easier, though i managed to get through without getting choked up this time (that was a relief...it's hard to explain to someone over the phone that you're choked up, they just assume you're being silent ha ha). well that was all okay for me then we started discussing finances and i panicked. i'm not one to hide it that i don't come from a wealthy family, not that they support me as it is, or that they would if they were, my family isn't like that. you fend for yourself unless it's something you cannot absolutely handle yourself. anyway, after this conversation i really got discouraged even though i know in my heart that if this is truly where God wants me it's going to happen. i had these fears. fears of not being good enough, fears of wasting my time in the past when i should have been doing other things i wasn't. fears that what i had been praying about and planning was suddenly not going to happen anymore... all of these STUPID fears. they just kept attacking me and being flawed as i am, i set out to achieve something, that is what i do, i try to achieve. so instead of waiting on God & trusting Him i took my own initiative and in my heart basically said "screw you God i'm not waiting, i'm independent i don't need you." and went and applied to all these places which ultimately was somewhere between 7 & 8 but they were all i knew were hiring that could work with my current work schedule... i wasn't even trying to hear Him. my attitude was very defiant and i didn't care. i didn't really have anyone to keep me in check so it just kept getting worse. instead of spending time with Him i was filling that time up with other things, watching tv, reading, projects that never really end. i could hear Him calling but i was so angry that kenosha and everything i'd been dreaming of had practically come to an end, i didn't want to face Him.
then one day i went to the store where my friend H works and i hadn't seen her since...well a long time. with me the way i get, i get so reclusive it might be months before i hang out with someone again. i think i hurt her by doing this but if people don't ask to make plans or take the initiative to talk to me, they drop off my radar. not something i do intentionally it's just a flaw that i'm working on. so anywho, i had texted her the day before asking when she worked and i worked that day as well but she got done later than i did by like an hour or something, so i said i'd come visit her. she had told me they were hiring and i'm like "cool i could never work there" but since it was in the mall where i already work, i was like hey i'll go visit her, no harm right? well she mentioned that i should fill out an application after i mentioned how stressed i had become about not having any response for getting a 2nd job...so i said what the heck and filled out an app right there in store. hung out with her later that afternoon but we were both so tired that it definitely wasn't the most fun we've ever had so i just went home and napped. when i woke up from my nap i could hear Him calling again...i was home alone and He knows that when my house is silent i have a very hard time ignoring Him...and as He is, persistence eventually wore me down and i just sat down on the floor and cried.
"what do you want with me? haven't i done enough? i don't even want to talk to You so why i am i such a mess?"
transparency.
it's SO freeing knowing the person who matters most knows the worst about you already. He already sees the dirt and loves you in spite of it.
i poured my heart out to Him but i still wasn't ready to be happy again. and i told Him that.
there's something about misery that i find so familiar and comforting at times, masochistic though it may very well be, it's something i know and maybe that's why i am so open to letting it rule me, not sure.
after just screaming for a good ten minutes or so, i just put my head in my hands and (hopelessly) tried the very old, very familiar "why won't You just let me go? let me die." but He didn't scream, no. He whispered,
I love you. you are worth more to me than my own life.
gulp. right, as if, in that state, i needed reminder of how little i deserved Him.
truthfully though, it was exactly what i needed.
it rained for 2 days straight following that day.
day three, i worked a morning shift, and when i left work the sun was shining.
i didn't really think anything of it, but then i got home.
began talking to my mom (who i had been giving the silent treatment to for about a week).
sat down and started smiling (without having to fake it) and suddenly the phone rang.
i'm like "phone's ringing. i'm not getting it." (haaa i HATE answering the phone) and so i just ignored it
figuring it was for one of my siblings or something and the next thing i hear is my sister "you want Liz? okay. LIZ!!"
and i rolled my eyes and was like who is it? and my sister goes... some girl named A? my eyes must have gotten
really wide because i WASN'T expecting it and she goes "someone you're expecting?" "not at ALL" i replied, taking
the phone from her. after a nervous "hello? this is liz" i discovered i had an interview the following day if i was
interested (YES!!) so next day i got all dressed for it and went for this interview. for the first time in AGES i prayed
while i was driving, thinking that this might all be part of His plan (why am i so slow to catch on??) and my sister is
sitting in the seat next to me, just babbling about anything and everything and she goes "we're going to starbucks
after this right?" and i joked "yes. either i will need it to sulk or need it to celebrate" so with that, i went in for my
interview.
what was i worried about? it was all planned out before i got there.
the questions were super easy, i already knew what they asked of me, pretty much everything i was asked wasn't
hard to answer because i DID know it from my experience already and i live it (customer service etc etc) and when
she asked about bad things i've experienced and good things i've experienced and how i handled both situations it
was really easy to explain because, obviously, it's something i've experienced and know so it wasn't hard to be
honest about it.
i walked away from that interview extremely positive.
A, who interviewed me said that i had a job as far as she was concerned.
walking out onto the sales floor, she goes to another associate "i LOVE her!"
i couldn't help but grin the whole way to starbucks.
then at starbucks i ordered chai tea frappes for my sister and i cuz i wasn't really in the mood for a coffee crash.
while we were sitting there waiting and waiting i thought "you know it would be cool if someone came up behind me
so i could buy their drink for them. i've always wanted to do that and God i know You'll give me the right timing to
do it someday."
next thing i know, the guy comes to the window and says "we accidentally made a double chocolatey chip instead
of your chai...would you like both?" i was so speechless my sister had to answer "yes thank you" for me.
it was the biggest size they have.
still thinking about it gets me super choked up.
like... whether or not i'm paying attention and whether or not i want it, God is going to show me He loves me.
after the desert comes a cool refreshing place, right?
and if we can hear His voice in the worst part of the desert, and if in spite of our circumstances we refuse to
leave Him, then we have passed the test.
i am in no way near perfect at passing tests, but maybe now i will be able to see these
hard times differently. instead of just trudging through them, trudging joyfully with hope.
HOW we live makes all the difference, not just that we have lived.
hopefully this jumble makes sense, being coherent when tired and overwhelmed is not my strong suit.
this "little" update i planned on doing (seriously i had only thought it would be like a paragraph!) has taken
me an hour to blog out haha. feedback always appreciated =] ♥
forever His,
~liz
1 comment:
Great post. :o)
Remember that it was the Holy Spirit that led Jesus into the wilderness to be tested by satan...coincidence? I think not. God leads us to trials because in our weakness He is strong.
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