Living--really being ALIVE!

We all know what it's like, to be off in another world so to speak or to just kind of go through the motions in our lives. If you've ever been depressed you understand emptiness and numbness very well so I won't go into too much detail here because even if you've never been depressed, everyone goes through those times where they just do what they have to do and go to bed at night and wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I've done it too. Many, many times.

Lately, things have been different. Ever since this summer I've been "waking up" so to speak. For all you Skillet fans out there it's basically like this, being comatose and then being awake. I find it funny how my life has moved with those 2 albums in such a crazy mirroring way. Anyway, this summer I learned a HUGE lesson in forgiveness and not only accepting God's forgiveness but being able to forgive myself and stop beating myself up for things of the past. After this happened I began to really open up to God again. The anger was gone. Trust replaced the apprehension I had before.

Previously, when I'd be at home or just doing whatever I'd just do it and it was like my mind was in 2 parts, one that subconsciously was doing the task and one that was thinking, constantly, my mind never rested. If I wasn't beating myself up for things I deemed as failures, I was judging myself and criticizing myself. For example, in high school, there was one night at show choir practice that I remember in particular. The 3 of us woodwinds in the band had done the BEST we'd EVER done, we were in tune we were right ON and we had energy going, and we all knew it. But I missed one note. No one else could tell but I knew and because of that one note, I was beating myself up over and over and over again.

Praise God I'm not like that anymore.

I've realized the last few days just how ALIVE I have become. I can laugh again, really laugh and not have to fake it or force it. In the last week I've been just so SO aware of how alive I've become. I don't know if it's my work environment or the weather but I've just been so happy and always smiling and making people laugh the last 2 weeks. Even last Saturday when the store was so ridiculously busy that I had to be forced on break (cuz I was THAT busy stuffing/making bears). I've been...at peace I guess you could say.

Yesterday and today while driving to work I listened to "Worth it All" by Disciple. Actually, I've been listening to a LOT of Disciple in the last week...it's been encouraging me in SO many ways. Anywho, I've gone to work with the attitude of showing people I'm different...without saying a word. Other coworkers that work with me have given their hearts to their job or their spouse or their families/kids or hobbies or what have you...my heart belongs to Jesus. I'm finding out how to love Him in ways I never knew a person could. Instead of rolling my eyes and complaining with other coworkers after a particularly difficult customer has left, instead I pray for that person and have compassion for them. Maybe they're having an awful day you know? And if I can make their day just an ounce better by offering a smile or helping them to make their life that much easier, then I will do it and not because it's my job, though it is, no. I will do it because I am showing love to them. One thing in particular that I've really taken from Kevin Young's sermons/interviews/videos with him talking is that he is VERY adamant about loving everyone, ie: love your neighbor as yourself. I know there was a lot of anger in his past and I can definitely relate to that. He said himself that he's spoken words that were like a "shotgun to the face" and when he speaks of that and how he has changed, I long to be like that. So, I show love to people.

By no means am I perfect at any of this but, this whole experience, this, coming alive and actually learning how to LIVE has been so amazing that I cannot wait to add to it by the experiences I'll have this upcoming weekend.

For those who do not know, I am going to Kenosha for the weekend to meet Cara, hang out with her, visit the Living Light School of Worship and sit in on a day and go to a Sunday morning meeting...and a Skillet concert has been officially added to it all. Not only am I going to the concert, and with CARA which amazes me still, she's such an amazing person, but I'm going to be helping work Skillet's merch table. I'm in awe and still pretty shell-shocked. If you want to know why I'm so in shock it's because about a week ago I fully believed I would not be able to attend this show at all, that they were sold out of tickets and my chance had passed me by...and then God provided this opportunity and I am so amazed by how much He loves me that He wants me to be able to go to this show because He knows what music is for me, I feel so humbled and loved and now I think I am rambling but I don't care I could ramble for pages and pages about how amazing God is and how much I love Jesus ♥

Tomorrow is the visitation for my friend's dad. He went to be with Jesus after a long hard struggle with cancer and infection. If you could pray for the family, I and they would really seriously appreciate it. She was my best friend for SO many years. She was VERY close to her dad. I still cry everytime I remember how she used to talk about her wedding day and her dad walking her down the aisle, because that will never happen for her now. It breaks my heart to know she is hurting and in pain from this loss. The funeral is Thursday.

Also, for those of you who know me, the friendships I have mean the world to me, when my friends hurt I hurt. My closest friend right now, dare I call her my bestie? I don't know if she thinks of me that way but I think of her that way because she knows so much about me and accepts me and loves me for me. Okay she is MY bestie. Whether or not I am to her matters not so much, I love her that's all. okay? okay. Well she's hurting too. She feels very distant from God. Maybe He is choosing to be silent, maybe He is just testing her, I do not know. Alls I know is she feels alone. She knows she's not, but I know you all know that knowing something and feeling it are completely different. So I ask you to pray for her too. I have prayed that God will show up everywhere she is and that He will shower her with Himself and overwhelm her with the love He has for her, the love that caused Him to give up His life for her. I am praying that she will "remember the stars" and remember those of us who love her and aren't going anywhere. That she will remember she is loved unconditionally. That she will feel that love and not feel alone or empty. ♥ love you my twin.

I'll end this blog now with a final note:

-if you are reading this, you're living, but are you alive? if you don't feel like you're really LIVING, change. do something different. make an effort to BE alive. make an effort to COME alive. the world needs people who are alive and have come alive. passion is contagious. passion for Jesus is life changing. do you want to make a difference and show people the love of the Savior or do you just want to go through life and do "okay"? my choice is clear. whats yours?