what He saw.

“What was” A man Righteous in the sight of God, condemned by the men He was destined to save. Crucified by the ones He loved beaten by the ones He held. Cursed by the ones He forgave. “What I saw” It was my pride that pressed the crown of thorns into His brow. My transgression held the hammer that pounded in the nails, my anger that held the whip tightly between my fingers. “What was” It was my sin that He bled for, my sin that He carried the cross to the hill on Calvary, my sin. “What He did” He uttered not one curse, He breathed not one breath of anger. For my every grin and sneer was a tear He cried. His lips last utterance was forgiveness and love. And there I stood before the cross cursing Him with all my sin. But that’s not “what He saw” He saw a man before a cross, on his knees with his face to the ground. He saw not a hammer in my hand but the living word of God, He saw not the whip between my fingers but the laying on of hands for the sick, He saw not pride pressing in the crown of thorns but humility pressing for the crown of His sufferings, He saw not a man cursing in sin, but a man praising in righteousness made whole and standing before and empty cross for the Savior had risen! What we saw and what was are stark differences. He saw what was, because He saw what the Father saw. He lived in faith, not believed in it, but lived in it. He saw the evidence of things unseen. We could not see, for we did not have faith, not even of a mustard seed. He saw it and His tears were also the rejoicing of His sufferings and the reward of His promises! Why do you think He said, when I come back… Will I find faith? Will He?

"I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?"

losing expectations & changes.

please note, i have a new blog and currently post there more frequently than here. web address is www.bandmonkey08.wordpress.com i may copy some posts here, but for the most part that is where i will be posting. thanks for all those who read along, if there are even any of you left.

change is a good title to my blog post today.

i chopped my hair off. like...REALLY off. it's extremely short, not like buzz cut but it's definitely shorter that i have ever gone before.

but that is exactly what i wanted. i contemplated going even shorter than this. didn't do it thought. everyone keeps asking for pictures but i don't currently have any sorry. i mean i took a few but i don't think any turned out really, plus it's almost 11 and plus my hair is really curly since i showered. i hate that it does that. why can't it just lay flat or be in ringlets? why this messed-up, i'll-do-what-i-want-to business? anyway, i digress.



changes! yes. oh and lowering of expectations, which is included in the changes.

you might ask what expectations i'm lowering and i will tell you.

when i first moved here i was excited to meet new people, excited to have new friends to hang out with and enjoy life with.

i was excited to stop being such a flippin introvert.



these ideals have proved to be completely inaccurate of how things really are here.

i have only 3 people that i've hung out with, 2 of them being friends that i had before i moved here and the other one? oh in a few weeks she moves back home to Canada, i'll probably never see her again. strike one.

this all just really makes me curious...what makes me such an outcast? do i give off a weird vibe to people? am i awkward? is there something i'm supposed to DO that i've not DONE? i don't know. but today i made some changes to me. my hair is gone, and i bought a sketch book.

give me some utensils, my sketchbook and my notebook, a warm slightly breezy day by the lake filled with sunshine and my ipod, and i am perfectly content.

lonely perhaps, but it's what i'm going to have to get used to. i've determined you see, to get better at writing and get better at art since i suck at both. considering i don't hang out with anyone or really know anyone and i don't work THAT much, i do believe i will have tons of plenty of time to do this.



here's to becoming better at being alone. huzzah.

a new blog and some changes.

dear friends who read my blog, i have created a new blog at

www.bandmonkey08.wordpress.com

possibly i'll still update this one, maybe i'll be able to link it but no promises.

i really love the layout and theme of wordpress, so yeah.

that is all :)

hope you still follow along! :) :) :)

my soul will dance with You.

i wrote this while at the lake today.

Listening to worship music by the lake.

There's nothing quite like it.

As Hillsong plays on, the seagulls are swooping and the seagulls are rising with the wind.

The waters today are steady, so calm it's nearly intimidating.

Every now & then a few droplets of water spatter across my windshield.

Gazing at the beach and the slight crashing of the waves, I can't help but dream such romantic ideas:

...a group of people who have been touched by God, gathered around a single guitar player,

just freely worshipping, lifting praises to the King, raising their voices high beyond the ceiling

of clouds above them.

...walking along a beach.

one guy.

one girl.

together.

laughter. getting to know each other.

chasing seagulls. chasing dreams.

...a bonfire mere feet from the lapping of gentle waves.

joyful faces lit by the yellow-orange glow of the flames,

a grin on every face, simply enjoying each others company.

...sheets of rain, creating one giant muddy sandbox.

two friends laughing, shouting and jumping in the puddles,

not a care in the world other than this moment, right here, right now.

i can't wait for summer.

Your love.

this song has been on my mind all day...and i've been thinking.

it's not a coincidence that i've always been more drawn to the Kenosha congregation,

it's not a coincidence that the teaching series there currently is the love of God, something

that i have questioned and struggled with for a very long time.

where have i ended up living? 2 blocks from the building.

who prayed with me to receive the Holy Spirit? one of the elders from LLCC-K.

all of this has just hit me recently, revelation or call it what you like, but i put it

together for the first time. and well, lately i've been questioning whether Kenosha

is right for me and i have deduced that currently and in this season, it is right.

-------

in other news, spring is TOTALLY here, the temperature is rising and i'm just getting

more and more thrilled for warm weather. thrilled to spend hours by the lake, thrilled to

be OUTSIDE again in the glorious sunshine, and the rain too. thrilled to get to know more

people and do more things. there is hope and happiness in the near future and i am excited.

my spirit is stirring. something is going to happen soon, something significant.

i don't currently know what it might be, but i am pressing into God and as of now

He is just speaking to me to ground myself in the Word more and more and more.

get to know people, form RELATIONSHIPS, something i tend to not do, i tend to be socially

awkward and also i tend to seek solitude rather than be with people. i don't want to be

like that forever though, i want to be a relational being. that's how i was created afterall:)

you know what i think the BEST part of lately is?

the colors and life that are sprouting up everywhere.

every morning when i get up, i look out the kitchen window and rain or shine,

i see squirrels chasing each other, digging for treasures and scampering after each other.

i notice the subtle changes in the earth and plants around me, one day its slightly green

and the next day flowers have burst into life, as if only so i can see them.

i never realised how much i missed colour.

goodbye winter.

fighting...something.

to everyone who reads along with my posts, i'm sure you can tell that by the title of this post, it's not been an easy ride to living in Kenosha. now, please do not mistake me. i am 100% here because of God, but it has not been easy for me. i knew it wouldn't be though. growing and stretching, dying to yourself are never easy. they are always hard for a reason, the pain makes it worth it.

it's been beautiful but very hard at the same time.

i know that God's hand has been in bringing me here, every single part of it.

that makes the hard parts bearable, it makes it easier to know that when i'm crying out that He hears me, He's holding me, He's just plain there.

adjusting to a new way of life, new work environments, new relationships with people, that stuff hasn't been the hard part. it becomes a routine after awhile you know.

i just hate... certain things. things that are even hard to write.

i hate that the people i care about here most, i rarely see.

i hate that it's nearly been a month that i've been here and still i barely know anyone.

i hate that it's still nasty weather (ok that one i'll just suck up and deal with)

but mostly?

i hate that something is not okay and i feel like i'm screaming but no one is hearing me.

i am not a person to ever say that something is wrong, i just deal with it.

i don't even know who to turn to anymore, everything is so complicated and really people are busy so i don't have anyone to talk to. i just keep hoping and praying that i stop having nights like my birthday, because let's face it, crying until you can't anymore just sucks and exhausts a person.

off to sleep now. work tomorrow, then hopefully getting to see Lyssa.

maybe even homegroup if i can force myself to be around people.