a love story?

alright, a little explanation here... i was filling out a random survey on facebook just to relax & kill some time, i hadn't done one in ages and well, i got to this question, the final one, and i don't know, these words just began flowing and when i finished it i realized wow that was so not me but okay i'm sharing it here for everyone to read. enjoy.

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE?

well, it started out with me thinking i never needed anyone.

miss independent as it were, i knew back then i didn't deserve love.

well, from the day we met, he had his eyes and heart set on me.

but i refused to believe anyone could love me as messed up as i was.

so instead of trying to love him back...i ran from him.

tried to prove to him that he shouldn't love me, that i was too screwed up inside.

hurt myself, screwed with my body, sunk into a major depression.

i knew then that i needed love but i was also aware i could never deserve it...

but..he was still there, saying hey you, i love you with everything i have, and boy

did he have everything...except me. he didn't need something as messed up as me.

i told him, "this is it, i'm too messed up my life isn't worth it anymore" and i got ready

to end it as it were. i figured he would leave me then, finally see me as i was.

but he didn't.

instead of finally letting me go, he reached so hard that he gave up HIS life for my own.

as much as i knew i needed to die, he said, no.

he said, i've got this one. i love you THIS much.

i watched as he gave up his perfect life for my own pathetic excuse of being alive.

and as i saw his agony, saw how much he truly loved me, saw the extreme he would go to just to

show me a glimpse of that love...that undeserved perfect unconditional love...

i couldn't resist him any longer.

i gave in and said okay you can have me, all of me, it's still not enough but you are more than worth it.

i fell down crying, yet covered in his love.

such perfection.

and it's not over.

everyday i fall more in love with him than i ever knew was possible.

he's given me a reason to live, meaning, passion, and a PURPOSE.

falling in love with Jesus...

it's a constant love story.

something's rising, changing, trying to break free...

i need a change. something drastic.

i've been feeling like this for at least a week now...it's something i can't put my finger on yet i know SOMETHING has to change. it feels like my world is too predictable... too comfortable. in so many ways i feel safe, and i'm finding it very hard to keep myself going day after day knowing nothing has really changed.

don't get me wrong, i am still seeking God, still living for Him, hopefully growing in my relationships with people and with God.... it's just... too easy it feels like.

this weekend i was uprooted from my normalcy and thrust into situation after situation where i had no control over anything, i was tossed by the waves of unpredictability.

it was... good for me, no GREAT for me.

i was praying a lot more (though i have been, not that that's anything terribly new) but there was that and God was just speaking to me SO much...hearing His voice has become my new favorite thing...now that i'm listening better...it's just awesome. He wasn't kidding when He said His sheep know His voice..it's just incredible.

anyway.

there were some amazing realizations i had, some really great time i just spent RELAXING...no computer, no people calling me...i had my phone and was texting and well tweeting a lot but i didn't feel so tied down, it was amazing.

i belong on the road. this was one of my major discoveries.

living in one place doing the same thing day after day is not what i should be doing.

the unpredictability is something i NEED.

maybe i'll buy a hippie bus and drive across the U.S. going to shows and listening to stories.

really though... i need a change.

what's the difference?

okay i could REALLY use some feedback on this.

if you really truly care about someone, you don't and won't want to hurt them. you'll do anything you can to make their life easier. even if it makes you miserable right?

so when i say it's a waste for someone to fly halfway across the united states, i'm not saying it because i don't want to see that person. i don't say it because i'm trying to keep them at a distance or push them away. i say it because i know of SO many things that said person could use that money for. i say it because i would rather that person use that money for a meet and greet for their favorite band or on books for another semester to ease their burden and make life better. not because i don't want to see them.

is this just stupid or is it justifiable?

to blog or to scream?

i'll blog. i'm so frustrated with sooo much right now. frustrated with where i stand with God, frustrated with relationships, frustrated by the fact that i'm sick with a cough and a cold just mere days before the concert i've been looking forward to for months, annoyed that i'm feeling like this, sick of feeling like this, wishing i could just snap out of it and wake up or something because all i feel is madness. i want to snap and just scream out loud. when my parents look at me and congratulate me for how perfect i am i just want to scream in their faces that i'm not that i need to be free to make mistakes that i need to be free.

note: this blog was written the thursday before the disciple concert.

wow. reading this and then knowing how i am now...is incredible. i am only posting this so i can look back and see the change. for those who are wondering, yes, i am blogging about the show just please be patient i can only "write" during certain times and i've been very busy lately. it's a good third of the way done so stay tuned.

short update

i realize i've not been posting again but i really don't have anything to post ABOUT... i celebrated my 20th birthday yesterday and am actually officially CELEBRATING it on friday at a concert. disciple and decyfer down, i'm thrilled ♥ i'm not sure at this point whether i'm going with jen or not but i know my little sister is going with me and i'm very excited about that because her liking christian rock is a HUGE step. i'm sooo excited she's been asking to borrow my skillet cd's and my disciple stuff. she's been hacking my itunes all the time from her desktop computer and just yesterday she stole my ipod (while laughing of course) because she would rather listen to my music than hers, it makes me incredibly happy. umm and i realize i never DID get around to blogging about my kenosha visit like i said i would and i apologize i just got really crazy busy and never actually got around to making a coherent blog, and also a lot of the things that were revealed to me and happened were pretty personal so maybe i shouldn't blog about them anyway *shrugs* anywho, i DID turn in my application for SOW and i didnt actually audition but the whole app is in aside from the audition so **crosses fingers** i guess only time will tell... i'm really nervous about it though, i always worry so much i should really stop that. ugh its after 12 and i still need to edit this video footage for my little sister's spanish project. **yawn** i can sleep when i'm dead right? lol. okay well that's a little update for you hopefully i will blog after the concert on friday =) i don't even think anyone reads this anymore but that's okay. peace. ♥

A Change of Pace

Alrighty this is just a really quick update (since I'm trying to do so more often since I've neglected this thing for so long...). Basically, it's about 11:30 at night and early tomorrow morning my parents and I are taking off for KENOSHA!!!!!!! I am very excited to go back there & see people again, visit some familiar places, meet some new faces and most of all, show my parents the church & school and such, introduce them to Cara and Heidi (who they've seen photos of and heard me mention in passing). I'm excited to introduce them to Kal and show them that just because LLC believes in tongues and head coverings and other things that seem "extreme" and "crazy" to them, they are just normal, everyday people who love Jesus just like they do. Honestly, I'm quite on edge about this weekend. It could either go really well or really awful, now, I do not believe it will be awful, er...well I believe it shouldn't. My dear friend Elraen has repeatedly told me, God's got this, He's planned this, it's going to go the way He wants it to....so really, I need to stop worrying and just RELAX...which I don't think will happen until we are on the road but hey I can think it right? :P

I plan on making a vlog this weekend for a few select friends to see (probably not everyone but...maybe, I'm not sure yet) so if nothing else, be prepared for some photos :) I'm armed with a new, epic, awesome, FUN camera and I'm not afraid to use it! *wields like a sword*

OH! Speaking of swords!!!! At work we have these foam ones for our next floorset and man did we have fun with those today when they got there!! Me and 2 of the managers (gahh I love those ladies! haha we ALWAYS have fun!) were like "fighting" with them, it was amazing. I even got to properly use the words "touche" and "engarde" without hurting anyone! haha. okay well i do believe my nails are dry and that i really should finish my packing and get to bed! oh yeah... i have to write out my Christian testimony in 100-120 words first o.O maybe i'll do that on the way down...it shouldn't be TOO hard should it? eek.

pray for me? :)

♥

I'm Only Me When I'm With You

It's about time I blog again :) I've been awakened yet again by love's tender, patient embrace therefore, how dare I stay silent? The last two weeks have been incredible and I know life will only continue to amaze me! First of all, my dear friend Jared was home for his spring break last week and he stayed at my house long story short. Naturally, this meant TONS of hanging out & fun times. We did multiple photoshoots, found waterfalls and hidden beauty in nature, watched movies til no end and played one epic game of apples to apples. It was great having him home because, while I had to work nearly every day he was here, we found time to do stuff so we were constantly busy, and for me on my own it's very easy to seclude myself in my room with my music and a notebook or my laptop...but when he was here we were outside ALL the time and just doing stuff, it really was great. The second to last day he was home, I picked up an early morning shift (knowing I'd be exhausted) and that afternoon we took off to Madison for the Rock and Worship Road Show!! Bands on the tour included: Sidewalk Prophets, Remedy Drive, Francesca Battastelli, Fee, Family Force 5, David Crowder*Band, and Mercyme. I'm still undecided as to whether I want to post a full concert review or not yet...it was amazing though. I didn't go with a mindset like I had for any concert ever before. I decided it was the rock and WORSHIP road show therefore my sole aim would be to worship God and simply seek Him throughout the music and the lights and the noise. Needless to say He showed up so amazingly I was overwhelmed. I loved on Him as much as I could give and it was INSANE and AMAZING just how He reciprocated...I gave my all and He tripled it, easily. Incredible. I also have a new music love! Yes yes I am now one of those crazy Family Force Five lovers xD it was hilarious actually because I only knew one song by them and I was taking photos and vids for my friends and my little sister who wanted to go but couldn't...and somewhere between "Love Addict" and "Radiator" I fell in love :) I knew what their music was like recorded but live...wow...it was SUCH an amazing energy rush! Adrenaline in a show! Soul Glow said one of my favorite lines from the whole night when he introduced the band, "We are Family Force 5 and we like to shake our badonkadonks for Jesus!" LOVE IT!!

Moving on, Fee was really awesome & got me pumped with some LIVELY worship (my favorite kind!) I mean, as much as I love slow, deep worship, there are just times when jumping and shouting for God are necessary, and he certainly covered that! Then during David Crowder's set...ahh. I was expecting him to do the song "How He Loves" since they just did a recording of that song on their new album "Church Music" and I was not disappointed. That particular song, however, has a very special place in my heart because it is one of those "songs" I have with a friend and it encourages both of us and moments after the song began I was crying because God just showed UP and covered me in His love. When you've struggled in the past with self-hate and not liking who you are, the lyrics of that song will hit you in a way that brings you to your knees. So anyway, it was ridiculously awesome. The set continued on and Mercyme was up next.

Now, Mercyme was the one concert I was kind of wary about...I honestly had no idea what would happen. Both times prior to this that I had seen Mercyme, God just showed up when I was not even expecting Him to, and it's not like Mercyme is in my top 5 fave bands, nor do I hate them, they're just kinda in the middle. Let me explain this a bit further. The first time I saw Mercyme, many years ago, I was a very young teenager and I honestly was not searching for God, at that point in life I honestly could care less about Him, even though I was raised in a Christian home. Anyway, my parents actually forced me and my two younger sisters to go to this Mercyme concert, it was the Undone tour and the first Christian show I'd ever been to, only the 2nd concert of my life. And I remember... I went there ticked because I was supposed to hang out with my best friend that night but because of the concert I was forced to cancel our sleepover. I was mad. Well, the show started with some opening artist I don't remember and then there was Jeremy Camp (back before he was really popular!) and then another group I don't recall, and finally Mercyme. They were a good chunk of the way into their set and I remember this moment...during the song "Here With Me"... the lyrics grabbed me, they wouldn't let me go and I felt God SO strongly for the first time in my life, I was brought to my knees it was insane. Anyway, my younger teenage self didn't have a clue what was happening, except that it was so REAL. Now, looking back, I fully believe it was the moment the Spirit came upon me and I was filled for the first time ever. I was never taught about that but now that I've learned more, that's what I think it was. Even though I was not strong or sure in my faith at the time, I could not deny that it was God. ANYWHO! That was the first time I saw Mercyme. The 2nd time I saw them was last summer at the Joyful Noise Festival in St. Paul, Minnesota with my sister in law, niece and nephew. That show, Bart (the lead singer for those who were unaware) spoke about following God no matter what He tells us, especially when we're afraid, and just a week before, God had spoken to me about making music a huge part of my life and the school of worship, then they played the song "Finally Home" with a video of images of soliders coming home...some alive some not and well, my older brother was still overseas then & yada yada it was a powerful set that's all lol. Basically, this time would be the third time of seeing them without making an effort to do so and...they didn't disappoint =) if nothing else, the song "I Can Only Imagine" and the slideshow with it was enough to make anyone tear up.

In addition to the concert, life itself has been pretty spectacular!

I've been able to get out and be outside and use my camera quite a bit (getting familiar with it is definitely nice) and now... in just two days I'm going back to Kenosha for a visit. I'm rather jittery yet excited. My parents are going with me this time and I think that's why I'm so nervous, I'm kind of afraid...afraid that they will judge me and not stand behind me in my decisions and yet I know that even if they don't support me, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing & it shouldn't matter but there are certain things that they have an issue with and okay it's almost 2 a.m. and I'm babbling so I'll just end this and sleep xD Peace readers ♥