on my own.

i've been shrinking lately.

i say shrinking because that is how it feels.
it's like every part of me that knows how to laugh or smile or feel,
the parts of me that i used to use when i was with friends or even my
family are just shriveling up.  when i laugh, in the moment is fine but then
there is a slight after ache and it's all so very confusing to me.

i'm practically hired at this amazing new job, in a management position.
i've been considering going back to school and finishing some sort of degree programme.

but everything feels....so off.

for example, last night i had homegroup and i didn't really want to go.
at all.
but i couldn't think of any possible way to avoid it and so i ended up going and it was fine.
was i putting on a front? yes...but it's what i do.
it takes me awhile to trust people and i HATE being the centre of attention in groups of people...
which is how it is there. so anyways i just kind of... did it and when we were almost done, someone
else was talking and one of the girls caught my eye from across the room (we were listening but also distracted a bit) and she mouthed "are you okay?" and i nodded, flashed her a smile and mouthed back "just tired" and it was like she almost didn't believe me but the moment passed and homegroup was over and i legitimately WAS tired (long day at work) and so as i was leaving, she was walking out too, i said "have a good night" and went to unlock my car only to realize she was right behind me. slightly startled, i turned around and was like "oh hey what's up?" and she basically cornered me, but i assured her that i really WAS fine and did my best acting to make her believe me. i was about done with being around people and there was NO way i was planning on telling her how things really were.  there is a certain crowd of people my age around here and everyone knows who they are and they're pretty exclusive, not rude, but they don't hang out with other people hardly ever unless those people are basically accepted into their "elite" kind of crowd...and i have never been one of those people my whole life so i was trying to figure out why she was talking to me at all outside of homegroup and what her motive was.  she made a comment when she started walking away about how we should get together sometime, but i've heard that line a hundred times and so i generically replied "oh yeah of course, just let me know" as i always do and i know i won't hear from her, because i never do.

i don't even barely hear from the people who i would consider close friends.
it's been well over a week since i went to a show in milwaukee with 2 of my "friends"
who basically ended up ignoring me most of the time and i was a 3rd wheel which really
made me feel crappy and depressed, so much so that i went home and cried about it for 2
hours straight.  i wish i knew what people wanted from me and why i seem to be so disliked.
i know i'm terrible at friendships and relationships in general and i'm not an amazing person
but it hurts when you're invited to something and then snubbed and made to sit in the backseat,
completely ignored the whole hour car-ride.

can i take out a loan for a new life please?

**sigh**

on the bright side, my roommates will be in Chicago all weekend for work and so i'll have
the house to myself, and  tomorrow i have off so that will be even better.

solo party time? you know it.

go.

you know how it feels?
when God is closing in on you.
it's not that you've avoided Him on purpose,
but you have work and things of life and it's not like
you don't talk to Him... or listen either.

but sometimes, it's like a slave and his or her master.
which, i suppose is a pretty exact comparison of the situation...
but when the Master bids come, the slave runs.
there is always hesitancy because you cannot fully know the mind of the One
beckoning you....but there is simultaneously always longing...you want to be with
Him as much, dare you think MORE than He wants to be with you.

still, there is hesitation.
you're not sure why.
you know you'll go eventually.
you can't resist very long.
so very weak without His strength.

it's okay to collapse.
He's holding you.

GO.

explosion.

"all i want is You and all i need is found only in Your heart"

this little catchy worship hook has been sung fairly often lately in the prayer room.
(ihop.org) and it's been stuck in my head.

it's forcing me to focus on what i ought to be focusing on.

it's so hard for me.

i want to be out there.

DOING.

making a difference.

i honestly feel so useless.
it probably wouldn't be so bad except i think i have cabin fever

in the way that i want to get out of town, do something adventurous.

truthfully, it's been since November and my life needs more excitement.

i keep longing for and wishing for a way out of the drab of normal living.

i've never liked routine. waking up, going to work, doing chores, church on sunday,

homegroup on wednesday..like... it just doesn't ever feel good to me. i'm not content

with the same thing for weeks on end. i CRAVE unpredictability and change and more.

i've been wrestling with the question lately of "what if God means for my life to be

simple like this?" and the only answer i've come up with is one of not understanding.

why would i be longing for something else then?

i swear. i need something unpredictable to blow me away. preferably soon.

barely getting by.

since no one even reads this blog anymore i've basically chosen to continue using it for more personal thoughts. everyone thinks i'm so great and good on the outside but i've been dying on the inside for awhile. i think it started when God wasn't speaking to me anymore. i didn't know what to do. i had been doing everything right, everything He asked... i'm going to homegroup and church and attending V&C on monday nights. i babysit for the Cowens whenever i possibly can and i try to help out around the house... i was praying every single day and just being WITH Him for hours on end... i'd never been happier, never been more full of life in the Spirit.

and then one day i woke up really cold.

and i tried praying in tongues like usual.

but nothing.

and i tried talking about it to a few people, to no avail.

it wasn't helpful what they said and the only thing i knew was

that something had grabbed me and yanked me under.

i was desperate to laugh.

desperate to smile again.

i wanted to hang out with people.

to get invited.

to be part of a group.

to have friends.

but... it's been weeks now.

thursday night i'm supposed to go to Serita's show with Cara

and i definitely will if it works out...i just don't know how i will handle it.

i've been crying everyday again.

it might be a situation or a stupid song that sets me off.

and i have a nasty cold too.

my nose is SO SORE.

i missed church today because i felt so cruddy.

i hate missing church.

oh yeah. my car got hit by someone too.

huge dent in the driver's door.

hello something else i don't need.

i have to work floorset this week.

10-4:30 and then a 6am to 2:30pm.

i have wednesday and thursday off.

work the weekend.

then it's sunday again.

i don't really have any friends here in Kenosha anymore.

at least not any that ever have time for me.

my heart is so very alone and lonely.

people have told me it gets better than this but i don't believe it.

my birthday is in April and i don't plan on telling anyone at all.

i just want to disappear.

the light meets the dark...years later.

relentless.

He is so relentless.

after a week and a half of very hard days and nights, i believe He is changing me to see something new.

You make all things new.

i think that if we didn't resist Him, there would be so many things we wouldn't learn.
don't misunderstand me... i wish my heart could be completely His 24/7, every second of everyday.

but i know that i fail.

and i do hate that i fail Him.

it does cause me deep sorrow.

but in brokenness, there is restoration.

in emptiness, there is a filling.

where there is death, there is also new life.

even Paul says that the darkness only shows the beauty and brightness of God's perfect Light.

in the infamous words of Jon Foreman,

"the shadow proves the sunshine"

i hate the week before joint meetings (journal blog)

i always dread the weeks prior to joint meetings.

(preface: for anyone who reads my blog & doesn't know, i belong to a church body that has several congregations and once every few months, all of the congregations get together on a Sunday morning and have our church meetings together. we typically gather in a school auditorium though, we've also been known to meet other places. we call these joint meetings.)

the week before joint meetings, the enemy ALWAYS (it NEVER fails) attacks me. hardcore. emotionally, spiritually, physically...whatever he can get his grubby hands on... that's where the attack is.

well this week has been one of those weeks.
i went home last weekend to visit my family & my brother was home visiting from Utah so it was a great time, better than most times when i visit my parents anyway. minor things irritated me and i did get into a pretty serious fight with my dad, but we made up and moved on right? so...why do i say it's been such an annoying week?

just little things i suppose.

everyday i seem to wake up ridiculously irritable.
cranky as all get out.
physically, i'm just exhausted.
emotionally, i feel so empty and i don't want to be around people at all.
i've been really off kilter at work and the things that usually come easy to me feel like i'm swimming upstream.

a friend of mine asked me to do this art project for him.
normally? not a problem at all right?

not this week.

the only thing i can accurately feel is irritation and frustration this week.

i don't even know why.

i just know that i hate the week before joint meetings.

whatever you're up to God, i hope it smashes the enemy's face into the dirt.
i'm really sick of him right now.

glory to the King who is in control!!

40 days of....water?

40 DAYS OF WATER.

SERIOUSLY MIKE DONEHEY?

hmm but is it really that bad?

no.
i do not believe it is.

i've been thinking about this ALL day since i first learned what it was....
it's kind of a Lent thing but not exactly i mean i'm not catholic and don't celebrate Lent
but i was thinking that maybe i should do something this year. i'd been thinking that all day

right? sooo no soda. no milk. no coffee. no tea. 40 days. only water.

maybe just the month of march. that could be fun. no soda? crazy but fun i think.

i love how this blog has become a place i can journal.

i feel like crap tonight. all i want is to talk to Mary and laugh a little bit but instead
i'm going to sleep at 11:25pm. **sigh** someday i will have friends and laughter again.

can it be summer yet?

what He saw.

“What was” A man Righteous in the sight of God, condemned by the men He was destined to save. Crucified by the ones He loved beaten by the ones He held. Cursed by the ones He forgave. “What I saw” It was my pride that pressed the crown of thorns into His brow. My transgression held the hammer that pounded in the nails, my anger that held the whip tightly between my fingers. “What was” It was my sin that He bled for, my sin that He carried the cross to the hill on Calvary, my sin. “What He did” He uttered not one curse, He breathed not one breath of anger. For my every grin and sneer was a tear He cried. His lips last utterance was forgiveness and love. And there I stood before the cross cursing Him with all my sin. But that’s not “what He saw” He saw a man before a cross, on his knees with his face to the ground. He saw not a hammer in my hand but the living word of God, He saw not the whip between my fingers but the laying on of hands for the sick, He saw not pride pressing in the crown of thorns but humility pressing for the crown of His sufferings, He saw not a man cursing in sin, but a man praising in righteousness made whole and standing before and empty cross for the Savior had risen! What we saw and what was are stark differences. He saw what was, because He saw what the Father saw. He lived in faith, not believed in it, but lived in it. He saw the evidence of things unseen. We could not see, for we did not have faith, not even of a mustard seed. He saw it and His tears were also the rejoicing of His sufferings and the reward of His promises! Why do you think He said, when I come back… Will I find faith? Will He?

"I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?"

losing expectations & changes.

please note, i have a new blog and currently post there more frequently than here. web address is www.bandmonkey08.wordpress.com i may copy some posts here, but for the most part that is where i will be posting. thanks for all those who read along, if there are even any of you left.

change is a good title to my blog post today.

i chopped my hair off. like...REALLY off. it's extremely short, not like buzz cut but it's definitely shorter that i have ever gone before.

but that is exactly what i wanted. i contemplated going even shorter than this. didn't do it thought. everyone keeps asking for pictures but i don't currently have any sorry. i mean i took a few but i don't think any turned out really, plus it's almost 11 and plus my hair is really curly since i showered. i hate that it does that. why can't it just lay flat or be in ringlets? why this messed-up, i'll-do-what-i-want-to business? anyway, i digress.



changes! yes. oh and lowering of expectations, which is included in the changes.

you might ask what expectations i'm lowering and i will tell you.

when i first moved here i was excited to meet new people, excited to have new friends to hang out with and enjoy life with.

i was excited to stop being such a flippin introvert.



these ideals have proved to be completely inaccurate of how things really are here.

i have only 3 people that i've hung out with, 2 of them being friends that i had before i moved here and the other one? oh in a few weeks she moves back home to Canada, i'll probably never see her again. strike one.

this all just really makes me curious...what makes me such an outcast? do i give off a weird vibe to people? am i awkward? is there something i'm supposed to DO that i've not DONE? i don't know. but today i made some changes to me. my hair is gone, and i bought a sketch book.

give me some utensils, my sketchbook and my notebook, a warm slightly breezy day by the lake filled with sunshine and my ipod, and i am perfectly content.

lonely perhaps, but it's what i'm going to have to get used to. i've determined you see, to get better at writing and get better at art since i suck at both. considering i don't hang out with anyone or really know anyone and i don't work THAT much, i do believe i will have tons of plenty of time to do this.



here's to becoming better at being alone. huzzah.

a new blog and some changes.

dear friends who read my blog, i have created a new blog at

www.bandmonkey08.wordpress.com

possibly i'll still update this one, maybe i'll be able to link it but no promises.

i really love the layout and theme of wordpress, so yeah.

that is all :)

hope you still follow along! :) :) :)

my soul will dance with You.

i wrote this while at the lake today.

Listening to worship music by the lake.

There's nothing quite like it.

As Hillsong plays on, the seagulls are swooping and the seagulls are rising with the wind.

The waters today are steady, so calm it's nearly intimidating.

Every now & then a few droplets of water spatter across my windshield.

Gazing at the beach and the slight crashing of the waves, I can't help but dream such romantic ideas:

...a group of people who have been touched by God, gathered around a single guitar player,

just freely worshipping, lifting praises to the King, raising their voices high beyond the ceiling

of clouds above them.

...walking along a beach.

one guy.

one girl.

together.

laughter. getting to know each other.

chasing seagulls. chasing dreams.

...a bonfire mere feet from the lapping of gentle waves.

joyful faces lit by the yellow-orange glow of the flames,

a grin on every face, simply enjoying each others company.

...sheets of rain, creating one giant muddy sandbox.

two friends laughing, shouting and jumping in the puddles,

not a care in the world other than this moment, right here, right now.

i can't wait for summer.

Your love.

this song has been on my mind all day...and i've been thinking.

it's not a coincidence that i've always been more drawn to the Kenosha congregation,

it's not a coincidence that the teaching series there currently is the love of God, something

that i have questioned and struggled with for a very long time.

where have i ended up living? 2 blocks from the building.

who prayed with me to receive the Holy Spirit? one of the elders from LLCC-K.

all of this has just hit me recently, revelation or call it what you like, but i put it

together for the first time. and well, lately i've been questioning whether Kenosha

is right for me and i have deduced that currently and in this season, it is right.

-------

in other news, spring is TOTALLY here, the temperature is rising and i'm just getting

more and more thrilled for warm weather. thrilled to spend hours by the lake, thrilled to

be OUTSIDE again in the glorious sunshine, and the rain too. thrilled to get to know more

people and do more things. there is hope and happiness in the near future and i am excited.

my spirit is stirring. something is going to happen soon, something significant.

i don't currently know what it might be, but i am pressing into God and as of now

He is just speaking to me to ground myself in the Word more and more and more.

get to know people, form RELATIONSHIPS, something i tend to not do, i tend to be socially

awkward and also i tend to seek solitude rather than be with people. i don't want to be

like that forever though, i want to be a relational being. that's how i was created afterall:)

you know what i think the BEST part of lately is?

the colors and life that are sprouting up everywhere.

every morning when i get up, i look out the kitchen window and rain or shine,

i see squirrels chasing each other, digging for treasures and scampering after each other.

i notice the subtle changes in the earth and plants around me, one day its slightly green

and the next day flowers have burst into life, as if only so i can see them.

i never realised how much i missed colour.

goodbye winter.

fighting...something.

to everyone who reads along with my posts, i'm sure you can tell that by the title of this post, it's not been an easy ride to living in Kenosha. now, please do not mistake me. i am 100% here because of God, but it has not been easy for me. i knew it wouldn't be though. growing and stretching, dying to yourself are never easy. they are always hard for a reason, the pain makes it worth it.

it's been beautiful but very hard at the same time.

i know that God's hand has been in bringing me here, every single part of it.

that makes the hard parts bearable, it makes it easier to know that when i'm crying out that He hears me, He's holding me, He's just plain there.

adjusting to a new way of life, new work environments, new relationships with people, that stuff hasn't been the hard part. it becomes a routine after awhile you know.

i just hate... certain things. things that are even hard to write.

i hate that the people i care about here most, i rarely see.

i hate that it's nearly been a month that i've been here and still i barely know anyone.

i hate that it's still nasty weather (ok that one i'll just suck up and deal with)

but mostly?

i hate that something is not okay and i feel like i'm screaming but no one is hearing me.

i am not a person to ever say that something is wrong, i just deal with it.

i don't even know who to turn to anymore, everything is so complicated and really people are busy so i don't have anyone to talk to. i just keep hoping and praying that i stop having nights like my birthday, because let's face it, crying until you can't anymore just sucks and exhausts a person.

off to sleep now. work tomorrow, then hopefully getting to see Lyssa.

maybe even homegroup if i can force myself to be around people.

remembering.

"i can see you as you're falling on your knees,

you're not invisible to me."

i'm trying to remember this tonight.

trying to remember that moment.

trying to make myself believe the truth of these words.

women's worship night.

ok this is very brief and not detailed really but at LLCC-Kenosha there was a women's worship

night. teresa was leading and it was just amazing. no words to describe except that God was soooo tangibly there. it was just beautiful how all of us sisters got to come together and be in the presence of our Father. the words brought and the songs brought were all so perfect.

it was significant for me (this night i mean) because it was the first time i've ever brought a word...

at first everyone was bringing words about water and going deeper with the Lord and i'm like

uhh...fire? haha. but i was obedient and brought it, i wasn't afraid, just a little unsure of what to do, so i approached maggie and she encouraged me to talk to teresa about it so i did and teresa was like YES! and so i went up front and 2 other people after me TOTALLY affirmed it. it was pretty much amazing for me and it was interesting too because i wasn't afraid even though i knew less than 5 people in the room, i didn't have any fear. that was totally awesome and of God :)

also, another thing, maggie sang a song in a tongue and while she was singing, i just

started CRYING because i knew what she was saying. an exact translation? no.

but the meaning? yes. it was about love and it was beautiful.

yeah.

oh and it's my birthday now.

and in 7 hours i'm getting up for church. haha.

best wayyy to start my birthday! with Jesus! woohoo!! :) :) :)

creativity has returned :)

so just a few days ago i did a photoshoot with the epic, the amazing Cara :)

i have a few shots here from that. these are my favooooorites from the shoot.

following the photos is a graphic i recently finished that i am in LOVE with.

it's got a lyric from the song "where the love lasts forever" by hillsong united

that i've fallen in love with recently.

and finally :)

my soul will dance with you.

"So I throw my life upon all that You are,
‘Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever."

-hillsong united.

a vision.

teresa was bringing a song about soaring with God, soaring high to the heights of His love

and soaring low to the depths of His heart. well i've never had such a vivid vision before like

this and certainly not during worship so this was pretty cool for me. anywhere, here goes:

My vision was of someone flying high with God bit being hesitant about things and they were just above the clouds.
All of a sudden the two soared past a huge fluffy white cloud and looking down there was the deepest valley and shadows and darkness below and the one soaring with God became afraid and started to become insecure in their trust and faith and they started to sink lower now just below the clouds.
The enemy was below and he saw this fear rise up and he began shooting his fiery arrows at the Beloved.
However the Lord stretched out a strong arm and said "do not be afraid"
as the arrows began to fly upward and the Beloved cringed, the Lord shielded His Beloved.

No matter which direction the arrows came from, He was there taking the darts and it was a joy to Him.

A JOY to protect and keep safe the one He loves, the one He longs for.

upset.

i haven't even been gone a full week and what happens?

my sister informs me that my mom is going through my closet where

i have a few things yet that i didn't get to, and throwing everything away

she comes across. not only that but she is going to be taking my posters

down off of my walls and repainting.

i asked her to not touch my posters.

that is the only thing i asked her not to do.

WHY AM I SO DISRESPECTED BY MY FAMILY!?!?!

my posters and pictures remind me of beautiful times in my life

and if ANY of them get ruined i will be seriously upset.

i told my sister if they touch my posters i will not come home ever again.

and i am completely serious.