Dorothy Barresi

one of my friends shared this on facebook, it's from a book by Dorothy Barresi &

i think it has amazing imagery so i'm sharing it, it's very well done.

Cuttings by Dorothy Barresi

I

Not cut the rug or cut
the mustard.
Not Roethke's spectral
nudgers and weepers
growing in the bruised
root cellar of the heart.

Not exactly Plath's
glottal ragings at mid-century,either,
romance of a thumb-top
pared back
for the accidental perfection
of the idea of pain.

II

We believe or do not believe
her father did
what you have heard
to be true to her.

Roughly speaking, this did or did not
take place when she was
between the ages of three and eleven,
when his pastorate failed
and the family moved
from ---- to --------

penury advising them
in their prayer life
like a cop.

But was it true, you ask.
What are the clues?

Ask the girl with dirt in her mouth.
Ask the girl who is all poem
now, all shapes between the shapes
she carved into her flesh
like a tattoo artist
falling in love

with what remained un-inked, the border crossings
and blue edges
and the razor bleeding
in her hand.

III

Postscript.
Her father died years ago
of cardiopulmonary collapse.
He'd been on the Pritikin Diet,
which helped for a time.
Now he's in jail in heaven.

IV

Postscript.
Sometimes she would cut herself, then go next door
to the neighbor's house---
a drywall finisher out of work
because this was the recession ---
and present her arms to him
shyly, like a girl
in her first prom gown of ruched sateen,
awkward in bows
but with terribly alert eyes.

V

In the end, she took Evian water,
cigarettes, a Bic lighter,
a pinky ring of two
gold willow branches twining, and

200 Xanax
up to the avocado grove
so lush neither horses nor helicopters,
dogs nor daylight,
not one of a dozen volunteers

could cut a trail back
to her alive and nodding off,
and yes,
by the position of her body downslope
the experts agreed,
changing her mind.

VI

Let me start again, here,
where a women ends.
The wrists were involved.
Also the leg-tops, the delicate skin
of the inner arms,
anywhere she could drag sharpness

than factors in and out
what she could not change in her life
which was pain.

The steel ratio of pain
to power
being control.

VII

Now ask yourself, as I did,
why hurt yourself more?

God WILL Provide.

So several of you may have noticed, I've taken a blogging hiatus. I had some pretty cruel awful comments posted on my blogs and I was sick of being attacked like that so I just kind of stopped blogging for awhile and stuck to simple journaling, where my thoughts were 'safe'. Well I realized I can't do that. God is doing flipping AMAZING things in my life and I can't just not proclaim them. If someone else has a problem with that, then it's not me they are attacking, it's God and I need not take it personally or get upset over it. With that said, in the last 3 weeks, I have been overwhelmed by God again. Every single time I let a glimmer of doubt into my mind, He keeps showing up in undeniable and amazing ways. I really have been having a hard time finding words to accurately describe just how much I am amazed by Him.

Basically, ever since my weekend in Kenosha & my visit to the school of worship, ever since I've KNOWN that that's where I need to be, I've been plaguing myself with worries and doubts. Now, I KNOW the Bible speaks that we need not worry and we should just cast our cares upon God because He cares for us and worrying is a burden we do not need to carry, however...I fail at that quite frequently, especially when the future is concerned.

With the School of Worship on the horizon, there are many things I've been concerned about and money has been a huge one. Yes, I'm working and more hours than I believed I would be for a retail job, however, things HAVE been cut since Christmas and with the cutting back of hours, I began to worry even more (even though when I was hired I was informed it would happen, and I understand the reasoning). Well, 2 weeks ago, I just got this mad urge to clean, organize and purge everything from my "stuff" that I didn't really need or want anymore. Considering I hadn't done this since my high school graduation, almost 2 years ago now, there was a considerable amount of junk to go through. Well, lo and behold as I'm going through a pile of papers, what do I find but a card from my graduation that had somehow gotten misplaced. Inside said card was a $20 bill. When I found that I just started crying because earlier that same day I had done some rough estimates for the costs of school and living for a year and the numbers really upset me. Anyway, alls I could do was cry and tell God "thank you" which seemed so inadequate. I put the money aside, knowing it had a purpose and went about my week. Three nights later at work, I was closing with our assistant manager and another associate and the 3 of us tend to have quite a bit of fun together, especially when we're working a closing shift. I was already in really good spirits from the night and had just finished sweeping the floor when our assistant manager hands me a packet of papers with a grin on her face and says "congratulations liz!!" I looked down and saw "Congratulations on being December Employee of the Month!" and I couldn't even think of words to say to react and I just laughed and joked "Oh so you guys actually DO like me here!" and we all joked around for a good ten minutes and I took the packet of papers back to my locker to look at later and went back to mopping the floor. It wasn't until I got in my car after work that I finally looked through the papers and read the information there, there were a series of questions for me to answer so that one of the managers could type up a bit of info about me and they'd make up a board to hang in the break room where everyone could see it. There was also a little benefit of a monetary reward, and I could choose to get a gift card from somewhere or a cash amount. It didn't hit me right away but as I'm about halfway home, the song "Who Am I" by Flyleaf comes on shuffle on my ipod and it TOTALLY hit me and I just had tears rolling the whole way home. That song is emotional as it is for me, and if you've read my prior blog about my trip to Kenosha you know the reasoning behind that. I truly believe it's my song of 2009. Maybe 2010, who knows?

And if all of THAT wasn't enough of God just being amazing and doing what He does, my bass teacher called me up just last night (and he and I are good friends) and he asks me how the bass is working out for me (because I don't have one of my own and I'm borrowing one of his, one of the ones he prefers to use for live concerts when he plays with his band, Isaiah 42:10 link: http://www.myspace.com/isaiah4210band ) and we chatted a bit how I was getting along with practicing and learning my frets and all that fun stuff and he goes "well, if you'd like to buy it i'd be willing to sell it to you" and my heart started pounding really hard and I thought okay even if he DOES offer it to me, it's going to be WAY too much and there's NO way i can afford a guitar right now. Well, I asked him how much he was asking and the price blew me away. Not only was it affordable, but it includes the brand new strings he put on two days before he gave it to me to borrow O.o

Oh yeah, and today? I was scheduled to work from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. right? Well, I get to work and the other associate I was working with today approaches me and asks me if it would be alright if we switched shifts because she needed to get done with work early and go take care of some stuff. I said of course because, what else did I really have to do? And also, I know what's goin on with her and I'd help her any way I could. Well, that added another 2 hours to my shift, and I went on my 15 minute break and just looked up and told God "okay You win, no more worrying" 15 minutes later, I head back onto the floor and the manager on duty, our store manager comes up to me and informs me that instead of leaving at 4 she's gonna keep me for part of my call-in til 5 or so because the managers needed to have a meeting and they needed me to man the floor.

No more doubting.

No more worrying.

God will provide.

The Beatitudes as Written in 'The Message'

A good friend of mine posted these on her facebook and I really loved how this was worded. It's from the Message and this is how it states the beautitudes. Keep in mind that the Message is a paraphrase of the bible, but I just liked how this particular passage of scripture was stated and thought I'd share it.

3"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

7"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

8"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

9"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

10"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.