on my own.

i've been shrinking lately.

i say shrinking because that is how it feels.
it's like every part of me that knows how to laugh or smile or feel,
the parts of me that i used to use when i was with friends or even my
family are just shriveling up.  when i laugh, in the moment is fine but then
there is a slight after ache and it's all so very confusing to me.

i'm practically hired at this amazing new job, in a management position.
i've been considering going back to school and finishing some sort of degree programme.

but everything feels....so off.

for example, last night i had homegroup and i didn't really want to go.
at all.
but i couldn't think of any possible way to avoid it and so i ended up going and it was fine.
was i putting on a front? yes...but it's what i do.
it takes me awhile to trust people and i HATE being the centre of attention in groups of people...
which is how it is there. so anyways i just kind of... did it and when we were almost done, someone
else was talking and one of the girls caught my eye from across the room (we were listening but also distracted a bit) and she mouthed "are you okay?" and i nodded, flashed her a smile and mouthed back "just tired" and it was like she almost didn't believe me but the moment passed and homegroup was over and i legitimately WAS tired (long day at work) and so as i was leaving, she was walking out too, i said "have a good night" and went to unlock my car only to realize she was right behind me. slightly startled, i turned around and was like "oh hey what's up?" and she basically cornered me, but i assured her that i really WAS fine and did my best acting to make her believe me. i was about done with being around people and there was NO way i was planning on telling her how things really were.  there is a certain crowd of people my age around here and everyone knows who they are and they're pretty exclusive, not rude, but they don't hang out with other people hardly ever unless those people are basically accepted into their "elite" kind of crowd...and i have never been one of those people my whole life so i was trying to figure out why she was talking to me at all outside of homegroup and what her motive was.  she made a comment when she started walking away about how we should get together sometime, but i've heard that line a hundred times and so i generically replied "oh yeah of course, just let me know" as i always do and i know i won't hear from her, because i never do.

i don't even barely hear from the people who i would consider close friends.
it's been well over a week since i went to a show in milwaukee with 2 of my "friends"
who basically ended up ignoring me most of the time and i was a 3rd wheel which really
made me feel crappy and depressed, so much so that i went home and cried about it for 2
hours straight.  i wish i knew what people wanted from me and why i seem to be so disliked.
i know i'm terrible at friendships and relationships in general and i'm not an amazing person
but it hurts when you're invited to something and then snubbed and made to sit in the backseat,
completely ignored the whole hour car-ride.

can i take out a loan for a new life please?

**sigh**

on the bright side, my roommates will be in Chicago all weekend for work and so i'll have
the house to myself, and  tomorrow i have off so that will be even better.

solo party time? you know it.

go.

you know how it feels?
when God is closing in on you.
it's not that you've avoided Him on purpose,
but you have work and things of life and it's not like
you don't talk to Him... or listen either.

but sometimes, it's like a slave and his or her master.
which, i suppose is a pretty exact comparison of the situation...
but when the Master bids come, the slave runs.
there is always hesitancy because you cannot fully know the mind of the One
beckoning you....but there is simultaneously always longing...you want to be with
Him as much, dare you think MORE than He wants to be with you.

still, there is hesitation.
you're not sure why.
you know you'll go eventually.
you can't resist very long.
so very weak without His strength.

it's okay to collapse.
He's holding you.

GO.

explosion.

"all i want is You and all i need is found only in Your heart"

this little catchy worship hook has been sung fairly often lately in the prayer room.
(ihop.org) and it's been stuck in my head.

it's forcing me to focus on what i ought to be focusing on.

it's so hard for me.

i want to be out there.

DOING.

making a difference.

i honestly feel so useless.
it probably wouldn't be so bad except i think i have cabin fever

in the way that i want to get out of town, do something adventurous.

truthfully, it's been since November and my life needs more excitement.

i keep longing for and wishing for a way out of the drab of normal living.

i've never liked routine. waking up, going to work, doing chores, church on sunday,

homegroup on wednesday..like... it just doesn't ever feel good to me. i'm not content

with the same thing for weeks on end. i CRAVE unpredictability and change and more.

i've been wrestling with the question lately of "what if God means for my life to be

simple like this?" and the only answer i've come up with is one of not understanding.

why would i be longing for something else then?

i swear. i need something unpredictable to blow me away. preferably soon.

barely getting by.

since no one even reads this blog anymore i've basically chosen to continue using it for more personal thoughts. everyone thinks i'm so great and good on the outside but i've been dying on the inside for awhile. i think it started when God wasn't speaking to me anymore. i didn't know what to do. i had been doing everything right, everything He asked... i'm going to homegroup and church and attending V&C on monday nights. i babysit for the Cowens whenever i possibly can and i try to help out around the house... i was praying every single day and just being WITH Him for hours on end... i'd never been happier, never been more full of life in the Spirit.

and then one day i woke up really cold.

and i tried praying in tongues like usual.

but nothing.

and i tried talking about it to a few people, to no avail.

it wasn't helpful what they said and the only thing i knew was

that something had grabbed me and yanked me under.

i was desperate to laugh.

desperate to smile again.

i wanted to hang out with people.

to get invited.

to be part of a group.

to have friends.

but... it's been weeks now.

thursday night i'm supposed to go to Serita's show with Cara

and i definitely will if it works out...i just don't know how i will handle it.

i've been crying everyday again.

it might be a situation or a stupid song that sets me off.

and i have a nasty cold too.

my nose is SO SORE.

i missed church today because i felt so cruddy.

i hate missing church.

oh yeah. my car got hit by someone too.

huge dent in the driver's door.

hello something else i don't need.

i have to work floorset this week.

10-4:30 and then a 6am to 2:30pm.

i have wednesday and thursday off.

work the weekend.

then it's sunday again.

i don't really have any friends here in Kenosha anymore.

at least not any that ever have time for me.

my heart is so very alone and lonely.

people have told me it gets better than this but i don't believe it.

my birthday is in April and i don't plan on telling anyone at all.

i just want to disappear.

the light meets the dark...years later.

relentless.

He is so relentless.

after a week and a half of very hard days and nights, i believe He is changing me to see something new.

You make all things new.

i think that if we didn't resist Him, there would be so many things we wouldn't learn.
don't misunderstand me... i wish my heart could be completely His 24/7, every second of everyday.

but i know that i fail.

and i do hate that i fail Him.

it does cause me deep sorrow.

but in brokenness, there is restoration.

in emptiness, there is a filling.

where there is death, there is also new life.

even Paul says that the darkness only shows the beauty and brightness of God's perfect Light.

in the infamous words of Jon Foreman,

"the shadow proves the sunshine"

i hate the week before joint meetings (journal blog)

i always dread the weeks prior to joint meetings.

(preface: for anyone who reads my blog & doesn't know, i belong to a church body that has several congregations and once every few months, all of the congregations get together on a Sunday morning and have our church meetings together. we typically gather in a school auditorium though, we've also been known to meet other places. we call these joint meetings.)

the week before joint meetings, the enemy ALWAYS (it NEVER fails) attacks me. hardcore. emotionally, spiritually, physically...whatever he can get his grubby hands on... that's where the attack is.

well this week has been one of those weeks.
i went home last weekend to visit my family & my brother was home visiting from Utah so it was a great time, better than most times when i visit my parents anyway. minor things irritated me and i did get into a pretty serious fight with my dad, but we made up and moved on right? so...why do i say it's been such an annoying week?

just little things i suppose.

everyday i seem to wake up ridiculously irritable.
cranky as all get out.
physically, i'm just exhausted.
emotionally, i feel so empty and i don't want to be around people at all.
i've been really off kilter at work and the things that usually come easy to me feel like i'm swimming upstream.

a friend of mine asked me to do this art project for him.
normally? not a problem at all right?

not this week.

the only thing i can accurately feel is irritation and frustration this week.

i don't even know why.

i just know that i hate the week before joint meetings.

whatever you're up to God, i hope it smashes the enemy's face into the dirt.
i'm really sick of him right now.

glory to the King who is in control!!

40 days of....water?

40 DAYS OF WATER.

SERIOUSLY MIKE DONEHEY?

hmm but is it really that bad?

no.
i do not believe it is.

i've been thinking about this ALL day since i first learned what it was....
it's kind of a Lent thing but not exactly i mean i'm not catholic and don't celebrate Lent
but i was thinking that maybe i should do something this year. i'd been thinking that all day

right? sooo no soda. no milk. no coffee. no tea. 40 days. only water.

maybe just the month of march. that could be fun. no soda? crazy but fun i think.

i love how this blog has become a place i can journal.

i feel like crap tonight. all i want is to talk to Mary and laugh a little bit but instead
i'm going to sleep at 11:25pm. **sigh** someday i will have friends and laughter again.

can it be summer yet?